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My system's been fighting off a constant exposure to the stupid bug yesterday. Now I feel awful. I took today off so I could go with my godchildren and their mother to the zoo tomorrow for my goddaughter's preschool field trip. Now it looks like I'll have to stay in bed all day, unless I can fight this thing off. Anyway, you're not here for that. On to the meat and potatoes (with lots of fruit):
The usuals:
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
Me = CSR with the sniffles
Uh...
SW: How long will it take to ship?
ME: I have UPS Ground delivery, which is $9.95 and comes within 7 business days, or UPS Express shipping which is $15 and comes within 2-3 business days.
SW: So which is it?
ME: ...Which, uh-?
SW: Which way are you going to send it?
ME: What would you prefer?
SW: That's what I'm asking!
I think you want our "Super Deluxe Awesome Shipping Go!" service. You pay me 5 bucks and I'll have the warehouse guys fire it out of a cannon. Delivery not guaranteed. Or there's our "Throw Like a Girl" option which is free and they'll throw it really hard in your general direction.
If you keep asking, maybe the answer will change
SM: Is the phone going to ship today?
ME: Well, it's early enough in the day that there's a good chance UPS will have it out from our warehouse by this evening, but could be as late as tomorrow morning.
SM: So when is is going to ship?
ME: As soon as possible.
SM: When is that?
ME: As soon as the order processes and the UPS guy drops in to pick up the orders for the day.
SM: So UPS already picked it up?
ME: No, I haven't even submitted the order yet, since we're still discussing shipping.
SM: But you're shipping it today?
ME: If at all possible.
SM: But you shipped it, right?
ME: I will, yes.
SM: So when will it go out?
ME: Soon.
Oh the pain. The pain of it all.
Make it stop
SW: I used to work at a call center-
ME (Oh crud, here we go)
SW: And I know people call in and just want stuff, but I'm not one of them. But $259.70 in overage is just too much.
ME: I can understand. If I had a bill like that, I'd have a hard time taking care of it.
SW: Yeah, so, I mean, I've been with you guys forever. I'm like your oldest customer. And I'm so totally loyal. I only canceled and went to another provider the 1 time, but I did come back after the contract was over!
ME: Riiight. So, in regards to your service, we do have different plans we can look at if your needs are changing...
SW: So, I just went over the 1 time. I should get a credit since I'm, like, such a great customer and so loyal and all.
ME: First of all, as far as the overage is concerned I see you started going over a week before your bill cycle ended. When you checked your minutes last month and saw you were over, did you-
SW: (laugh) Oh, I don't ever check my minutes. I don't have to. I just "know" how many minutes I'm using.
ME: Unfortunately, the charge is going to be va-
SW: Oh there has to be something you can do! I go around getting all my friends to come to (Company). I've brought so much service to you guys! I'm like (Company)'s bilge rat.
ME: Please hold.
**hold music**
ME: Ok, I was able to get a credit approved to your account equal to 100% of your rate plan of $39.99 as a one-time courtesy.
SW: Oh thanks so much! You are so awesome!
Yeah, I did it. I gave her a credit. But come on, she used the words "bilge rat!" That made her credit-worthy. A last-ditch save by the customer.
Not as good as bilge rat woman
SM: I want a credit all the way back to December! I wanted this feature changed back then!
ME: I see you called in about upgrading the phone at that time. But I don't see any discussion of changing that feature.
SM: Well it's not my fault your company screwed up! I'm not paying for it!
ME: Now, when you called in December was right at the end of your bill cycle. So when you got the next bill and saw that it hadn't changed...
SM: I don't ever look at my bill! I just call in and pay it, and if it is around $XXX amount then I don't worry about it!
Sorry, Charlie. Maybe we dropped the ball. Maybe we didn't do something you asked us to. But you've had 4 bills before you realized the feature still hadn't been changed. There's a reason we send bills. To be fair, I did credit him for the last bill only.
Oh for the love of Shiva
SW: Why my service not canceled? I move to India! Service was supposed to cancel in February! I still getting billed!
ME: Your service is canceled. It canceled on 03/26. This is your last bill.
SW: But I wanted to cancel in February!
ME: I see you called on 01/30, saying you were moving out of the country. We discussed suspending your service, but-
SW: There was no suspend! I tell them to cancel! But now I am still getting the bill!
ME: No, I don't see we canceled until you called on 03/26.
SW: I am in India! Why I use phone if I not in United States?
ME: You're in India right now?
SW: Yes.
ME: Hmm, well, like I said, this is your final bill. You won't receive another.
SW: Okay, fine! But if I get another bill I call back!
I didn't watch the news at all this weekend. Did India annex Wisconsin? Was there an invasion I missed? I'm a flipping phone service! Did it not cross your mind that I have caller ID?
Stirke One
ME: If I could just have your mobile number please?
SM: Uh...
Strike Two
ME: May I please have your mobile number?
SW: I don't know it.
Strike Three
ME: I'd be happy to look at your account. Could I have your mobile number please?
SM: Oh. You need that?
Okay, okay. I know we don't call ourselves and it's sometimes hard to remember our own numbers. I even fumble mine once in awhile. But when you are calling your phone provider, it's probably safe to assume that we're going to need your number for some reason or another.
D'oh!
SW: Yeah, what time do your store close?
I dunno. Maybe you should call the store and ask them. We're a nationwide multi-billion dollar corporation with thousands of stores and authorized dealers. Do you really think I have any clue when "the store" closes?
Brilliant
SW: What was the question I was going to ask you?
Beats me. Maybe it was "Why do I smell something burning every time I try to think?" But you should probably see a doctor for that. Or play in traffic. Here, have an animal cracker. It's a camel!
The usuals:
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
Me = CSR with the sniffles
Uh...
SW: How long will it take to ship?
ME: I have UPS Ground delivery, which is $9.95 and comes within 7 business days, or UPS Express shipping which is $15 and comes within 2-3 business days.
SW: So which is it?
ME: ...Which, uh-?
SW: Which way are you going to send it?
ME: What would you prefer?
SW: That's what I'm asking!
I think you want our "Super Deluxe Awesome Shipping Go!" service. You pay me 5 bucks and I'll have the warehouse guys fire it out of a cannon. Delivery not guaranteed. Or there's our "Throw Like a Girl" option which is free and they'll throw it really hard in your general direction.
If you keep asking, maybe the answer will change
SM: Is the phone going to ship today?
ME: Well, it's early enough in the day that there's a good chance UPS will have it out from our warehouse by this evening, but could be as late as tomorrow morning.
SM: So when is is going to ship?
ME: As soon as possible.
SM: When is that?
ME: As soon as the order processes and the UPS guy drops in to pick up the orders for the day.
SM: So UPS already picked it up?
ME: No, I haven't even submitted the order yet, since we're still discussing shipping.
SM: But you're shipping it today?
ME: If at all possible.
SM: But you shipped it, right?
ME: I will, yes.
SM: So when will it go out?
ME: Soon.
Oh the pain. The pain of it all.
Make it stop
SW: I used to work at a call center-
ME (Oh crud, here we go)
SW: And I know people call in and just want stuff, but I'm not one of them. But $259.70 in overage is just too much.
ME: I can understand. If I had a bill like that, I'd have a hard time taking care of it.
SW: Yeah, so, I mean, I've been with you guys forever. I'm like your oldest customer. And I'm so totally loyal. I only canceled and went to another provider the 1 time, but I did come back after the contract was over!
ME: Riiight. So, in regards to your service, we do have different plans we can look at if your needs are changing...
SW: So, I just went over the 1 time. I should get a credit since I'm, like, such a great customer and so loyal and all.
ME: First of all, as far as the overage is concerned I see you started going over a week before your bill cycle ended. When you checked your minutes last month and saw you were over, did you-
SW: (laugh) Oh, I don't ever check my minutes. I don't have to. I just "know" how many minutes I'm using.
ME: Unfortunately, the charge is going to be va-
SW: Oh there has to be something you can do! I go around getting all my friends to come to (Company). I've brought so much service to you guys! I'm like (Company)'s bilge rat.
ME: Please hold.
**hold music**
ME: Ok, I was able to get a credit approved to your account equal to 100% of your rate plan of $39.99 as a one-time courtesy.
SW: Oh thanks so much! You are so awesome!
Yeah, I did it. I gave her a credit. But come on, she used the words "bilge rat!" That made her credit-worthy. A last-ditch save by the customer.
Not as good as bilge rat woman
SM: I want a credit all the way back to December! I wanted this feature changed back then!
ME: I see you called in about upgrading the phone at that time. But I don't see any discussion of changing that feature.
SM: Well it's not my fault your company screwed up! I'm not paying for it!
ME: Now, when you called in December was right at the end of your bill cycle. So when you got the next bill and saw that it hadn't changed...
SM: I don't ever look at my bill! I just call in and pay it, and if it is around $XXX amount then I don't worry about it!
Sorry, Charlie. Maybe we dropped the ball. Maybe we didn't do something you asked us to. But you've had 4 bills before you realized the feature still hadn't been changed. There's a reason we send bills. To be fair, I did credit him for the last bill only.
Oh for the love of Shiva
SW: Why my service not canceled? I move to India! Service was supposed to cancel in February! I still getting billed!
ME: Your service is canceled. It canceled on 03/26. This is your last bill.
SW: But I wanted to cancel in February!
ME: I see you called on 01/30, saying you were moving out of the country. We discussed suspending your service, but-
SW: There was no suspend! I tell them to cancel! But now I am still getting the bill!
ME: No, I don't see we canceled until you called on 03/26.
SW: I am in India! Why I use phone if I not in United States?
ME: You're in India right now?
SW: Yes.
ME: Hmm, well, like I said, this is your final bill. You won't receive another.
SW: Okay, fine! But if I get another bill I call back!
I didn't watch the news at all this weekend. Did India annex Wisconsin? Was there an invasion I missed? I'm a flipping phone service! Did it not cross your mind that I have caller ID?
Stirke One
ME: If I could just have your mobile number please?
SM: Uh...
Strike Two
ME: May I please have your mobile number?
SW: I don't know it.
Strike Three
ME: I'd be happy to look at your account. Could I have your mobile number please?
SM: Oh. You need that?
Okay, okay. I know we don't call ourselves and it's sometimes hard to remember our own numbers. I even fumble mine once in awhile. But when you are calling your phone provider, it's probably safe to assume that we're going to need your number for some reason or another.
D'oh!
SW: Yeah, what time do your store close?
I dunno. Maybe you should call the store and ask them. We're a nationwide multi-billion dollar corporation with thousands of stores and authorized dealers. Do you really think I have any clue when "the store" closes?
Brilliant
SW: What was the question I was going to ask you?
Beats me. Maybe it was "Why do I smell something burning every time I try to think?" But you should probably see a doctor for that. Or play in traffic. Here, have an animal cracker. It's a camel!
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