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And with God as my witness, I THOUGHT turkeys could drive...
Wherein I Ruin a Major Holiday
Ironically, since I have Turkey Day off, it will be the ONLY day this week that I have NOT been accused of ruining Thanksgiving.
That claim has been leveled at me all week long, and by my count, I've ruined 5 of them, some as early as last Friday.
Apparently, once "Thanksgiving Break" starts at the University here, it's a holiday and ALL traffic law is null and void, as well as all property law, and parking enforcement, even in places where they paid extra to add "INCLUDING HOLIDAYS" to the signs that say "NO PARKING".
Yep, I've ruined Thanksgiving because I haven't let people double park at two parking meters "For just a sec" and not pay either (2 Turkey Days were ruined thusly), or parking on someone else's property (and in one case, lawn) and a panoply of other assorted mistakes one makes when looking for a parking spot. Most of them also told me to have "A wonderful f*cking Thanksgivng" as they departed. My pointing out it was not Thanksgiving yet, only caused them to yell it LOUDER.
Man, if that REALLY does ruin your Thanksgiving, up to 4 or more days BEFORE it's REALLY THANKSGIVING, I think you really need professional counseling. Unless you folks were just been being sarcastic with me. I'm having a hard time believing that there's one person at the table today, somewhere in this nation, looking bitter and depressed, unable to enjoy their mashed potatoes no matter how much gravy they ladle on because their whole sense of self was shattered to bits last Tuesday, when they illegally parked in a fire lane and were made to pay a fine. ON Thanksgiving!!!! Now this blissful holiday is forever linked in their mind to painful personal trauma, they'll never be the same! Waaaaaaaaauggghhh!
Grow up, do I have to spell it out for ya? It's not Thanksgiving until it's THANKSGIVING people!
Do you have a turkey in the oven right now? With stuffing and cranberry sauce and a pumpkin pie at the ready?
Are the Detroit Lions losing on a Thursday afternoon?
Are there people in your house right now you'd just love to strangle, but can't because it's not polite to do that to company?
Unless, minimum, two out of three of those are true right now , then it's NOT THANKSGIVING!!!! Sheesh...
It's really just a warmup, I expect to be accused of ruining Christmas next, starting as early as Friday and running through to New Years. Had one guy once tell me I ruined the Holidays for him in mid January once.... there's really never a BAD time to ruin someone's day when you come right down to it.
An Ode to Those Who Can't Handle the Cold
Where exactly did you get your driver's licenses people? The first wintry mix of the year fell here this week, a sprinkle of rain, followed by snow flurries, followed by freezing rain.
And, no sooner did the first speshul snowflake (tm) hit pavement, than the phone here began sqwaking off the hook like a violated parakeet...
In the span of 10 measly minutes, we had 8 calls from the 911 center rack up on us from people who went flying off the road under varying speeds and situations, but the common denominator was always the same... believing the mystic "4x4" button or "Traction Control" button on the dash makes you impervious to physics and allows you to continue tooling down the freeway like nothing is wrong, even if the surface of the road just turned the perfect texture to host the Stanley Cup playoffs.
It got so bad, the State Troopers started closing highways left and right because people just couldn't be trusted to SLOW DOWN IN INCLEMENT WEATHER and not turn the interstate into amateur night at the county's largest free-admission demo derby.
Not that it helped.
Spitz was on his way back with a wrecked Chevy Tahoe when the guy behind him decided that 4,000 pounds of extra weight on your back on an icy road or not, 30 was way to slow to be driving, and tried to pass the tow truck. He lost control, and crashed into the Tahoe. It was already wrecked, but, geeze dude, what's it take to GET the hint through your thick skull and into the chewy nougat center you call a brain that you shouldn't overtake in those conditions?
When it's icy, and cars are visibly wrecking around you, SLOW THE EFF DOWN! IT'S FREEZING RAIN OUT HERE!! (and fortunately, nobody was hurt, except the guys wallet, because the state police cited him big time, they weren't happy that the wreck scene they just cleared became a wreck again)
Then there was the guy who's wrecked truck we were sent to pick up from being entangled in the guardrail off the rightmost lane eastbound on route 99.... he started that accident in the rightmost lane WESTbound on route 99, meaning he was going fast enough in poor weather to cross two lanes of road, the median, punch through the guardrail in the middle of THAT and then cross two more lanes adn end up in the guardrail on the far shoulder of the other side....
You just can't do that if you're driving a reasonable speed in bad weather, you have to be doing 70+ to pull that one off. Just another person who pushed the "easy button" and figured the magical 4x4 elves would do the rest... now he's got no more truck to play with and we could've avoided this all if you'd just SLOW THE EFF DOWN! IT'S FREEZING RAIN OUT HERE!!
Then Slim had to spend 15 minutes in a shooting gallery, trying to load an already crashed car that smacked the barrier in the middle of a bridge, only to have an out-of-control Jeep (yet another 4x4 fanatic) fly by him as he worked, missing him by only 10 feet, and plow into the same barrier. He gave up. If all the flashing lights and beacons on his truck, plus the smashed cars around you don't get the message through, nothing will. He made sure everyone was okay and gave them all a ride off the interstate to the nearest gas station, and told the cops he'd be back to pick the wrecks up when people stopped going kamikaze on him. It took two hours before that mess got cleaned up. SLOW THE EFF DOWN! IT'S FREEZING RAIN OUT HERE!
Well, on the bright side, that's one down and one to go. After the first good winter weather hits, everyone who can't drive in it crashes out. But you're not safe until the SECOND one hits, at which point, they crash out their loaner car they've been driving since the last one, and nobody ever gives them a third.
And, that's just the calls the PD had us on, we had at least a half-dozen more from people who thought we were joking when we started quoting 3 hour ETAs for tows. Yes, we're dead serious, that's how long it's going to take to get to you right now, we've got priority accidents to deal with first, the roads are a cold mess, if they're open, the others are nothing but very long and very narrow parking lots, and we still have to call back at least two people who requested tows and tell them that sorry, not feeling safe driving is NOT a good enough reason for us to bump you to the top of the list, in fact, it drops you to the very very bottom. Oh, and calling your motor club DOES NOT IMPROVE the ETA, road closed means ROAD CLOSED.
And, the guy who just couldn't understand, the tow you want can't be performed right now, even if we were sitting around tossing darts and bored out of our minds, because the town you want to go to right now can't be reached, the ROAD IS CLOSED from the WEATHER, and we have no idea when it will be open again.
And then there was the guy who wanted his cycle towed. Yeah, we can do that, in about four hours. Wait, what's that? "We're not being very helpful" you say? Do Tell. Buddy, every one of us has been HIT or ALMOST HIT today, forgive us if we ain't exactly chomping at the bit to risk it again for you, and it's not OUR fault you decided to take your MOTORCYCLE out in this, and now can't get home..... you'll just have to wait those three hours or start walkin. Your choice, it's a free country. Oh, and for the unwarranted attitude:
MAY A THOUSAND STINGING INSECTS LUST FOR THY FLESH!!!!
*CLICKSLAM*
Hmmm, never tried laying a curse on anyone before, it actually felt pretty good. I could get used to it...
Felt So Nice, We Did it Twice
When you have no permit for an apartment, and park there anyway, AND get the "Yoinks! And Awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy..." treatment. And have to pay $130 in penalties, here's an idea: Don't immediately go BACK to the SAME apartment, STILL without the required permit, and park on the OTHER side of the double-rowed parking lot, thinking the rules are different on that side.
They aren't
And neither is the price, that'll be ANOTHER $130, junior.
Lemme just save you the trouble, ALL the spaces work that way, don't try them all one-by-one in the hopes of finding the one that's magically protected with the circle of tow-warding enchantment, okay? If you insist on your trial-and-error approach, It's only going to cost you, by my rough math, $2990 to try the remaining 23 you haven't been towed out of.... YET.
Break a Leg
Do I have any volunteers to break mine? Right now? So I can get prime parking for Black Friday?
The reason I ask is that a fractured bone apparently makes you immune to all parking rules because only a no good, big, dumb, meanie would NOT let you park AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE to a store when you have a broken leg, and FORCE YOU TO LIMP ON IT.
At least that's what the note in the car said, "Sorry, have broken leg, be back soon"
A note we didn't read, because we were too busy hooking up the car to tow it, because it was BLOCKING in 3 other cars in a dead end section of the lot, one of which was trying valiantly to escape from the logjam by executing the tricky 38-point turn.
Yeah, you are imagining that correctly, they pulled right up to the front door of the store the lot was for, longways, perpendicular to the marked row, blocking in three others, wrote a note, and figured that was good enough.
They're also in a fire lane, but, to be just fleetingly fair, the markings are so faded you can't read them, but, common sense, if it were common, would've kicked the owner in the pants and said "Hey dummy, you think the curb here is painted yellow just for looks? And don't you find the LACK of parking stall lines here a bit conspicuous?"
And, just to crap it all off (NOT a typo) , Tiny Tim did hobble back to the car while we were loading and, though being truthful that they did in fact have a broken leg, now owed us $75 for his unique take on parking.
This caused an irate guy to wander out of the coffee shop across the street and yell at US the entire time about how we're a bunch of dirty scavengers, harassing a clearly WOUNDED person for NO REASON AT ALL.
Methinks he wouldn't be so eager to White Knight if it was HIM who got blocked in, whaddaya think? We could ask Mr. 38 point turn over here, who doesn't look very happy either, but that confrontation might end with even MORE people on crutches, so, just go back to your pumpkin spice latte' and we'll handle this.
Einstein Got it Wrong
You do NOT have to be traveling at near-light-speed for time to slow down for you relative to everyone else.
Case in point.
One apartment downtown, in an effort to try and be accommodating, carved out a spot in their lot and declared it their drop-off spot, you can use it for 1 hour, MAX per 24 hour period.
Naturally, people started abusing this faster and harsher than a rented mule, treating it as a first-come-first-serve free space for the weekend and beyond.
So, we got the order to start towing people who don't vamoose after that one hour.
I went down to the crafts store and bought a pack of Crayola sidewalk chalk (I didn't HAVE to get the kind with the included glitter bits, but I did) and being that this place is only three blocks from us, everytime I drive past and notice a car in that spot, I'll mark the tires. If they're still marked in a hour, so long chum.
First person we got, in fact, STILL hasn't called or come in to pick up the car, and that was a week ago.
I think we found the person that was pissing management off.
But the real puzzler was one Spitz got yesterday. Despite the fact the pink glitter mark was STILL ON THE TIRE, exactly where I put it, an HOUR earlier, and the fact that he pointed that out to the owner very clearly when she went berserk at the prospect of having to pay a drop fee, she steadfastly refused to budge, why she was only there for FIVE MINUTES.
Well, if you mean 5 minute increments, back to back, 12 times, then yes, you're right, otherwise no.
Nope, WE'RE the ones wrong, she's only been there five minutes. "I only been here five minute!" she repeated, over and over. (and that's also not a typo, she wasn't a native English speaker, apparently, which just made everything that much harder to impress upon her)
Spitz kept pointing at the chalk marks and telling her it was an hour.
She kept yammering "Five minute!"
Finally Spitz runs out of patience and tells her either she pays $75 now, or $130 at the garage.
Now the tune changes: "I have sick kid! He need his medicine!"
Really, you went there? You tried the ol' "My kid is going to DIE in the next 10 seconds unless you let me take my car an leave" routine? Really?
Spitz, noting that said terminal kid doesn't seem to be HERE right now, tells her she's welcome to take his meds from the car if that's where they are, but, he's leaving NOW unless she pays up.
She did.
I don't get it... I really don't.
If I had the spare time and ability to know beforehand who's going to put up a fight, and set up my camera to record me chalking the car, an hour going by, and then me (or Spitz in this case) returning to tow it, and FORCED these "only 5 minute" people to WATCH minute by minute as their car wears out it's welcome..... what I really REALLY want to know is. Do these people HONESTLY think they've only been there 5 minutes? Do they suck at telling time? Is their delusion strong enough they'd accuse us of faking said video footage? The way some people really want to argue about it makes me curious.
Mostly annoyed.
But sometimes, curious.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.
Wherein I Ruin a Major Holiday
Ironically, since I have Turkey Day off, it will be the ONLY day this week that I have NOT been accused of ruining Thanksgiving.
That claim has been leveled at me all week long, and by my count, I've ruined 5 of them, some as early as last Friday.
Apparently, once "Thanksgiving Break" starts at the University here, it's a holiday and ALL traffic law is null and void, as well as all property law, and parking enforcement, even in places where they paid extra to add "INCLUDING HOLIDAYS" to the signs that say "NO PARKING".
Yep, I've ruined Thanksgiving because I haven't let people double park at two parking meters "For just a sec" and not pay either (2 Turkey Days were ruined thusly), or parking on someone else's property (and in one case, lawn) and a panoply of other assorted mistakes one makes when looking for a parking spot. Most of them also told me to have "A wonderful f*cking Thanksgivng" as they departed. My pointing out it was not Thanksgiving yet, only caused them to yell it LOUDER.
Man, if that REALLY does ruin your Thanksgiving, up to 4 or more days BEFORE it's REALLY THANKSGIVING, I think you really need professional counseling. Unless you folks were just been being sarcastic with me. I'm having a hard time believing that there's one person at the table today, somewhere in this nation, looking bitter and depressed, unable to enjoy their mashed potatoes no matter how much gravy they ladle on because their whole sense of self was shattered to bits last Tuesday, when they illegally parked in a fire lane and were made to pay a fine. ON Thanksgiving!!!! Now this blissful holiday is forever linked in their mind to painful personal trauma, they'll never be the same! Waaaaaaaaauggghhh!
Grow up, do I have to spell it out for ya? It's not Thanksgiving until it's THANKSGIVING people!
Do you have a turkey in the oven right now? With stuffing and cranberry sauce and a pumpkin pie at the ready?
Are the Detroit Lions losing on a Thursday afternoon?
Are there people in your house right now you'd just love to strangle, but can't because it's not polite to do that to company?
Unless, minimum, two out of three of those are true right now , then it's NOT THANKSGIVING!!!! Sheesh...
It's really just a warmup, I expect to be accused of ruining Christmas next, starting as early as Friday and running through to New Years. Had one guy once tell me I ruined the Holidays for him in mid January once.... there's really never a BAD time to ruin someone's day when you come right down to it.
An Ode to Those Who Can't Handle the Cold
Where exactly did you get your driver's licenses people? The first wintry mix of the year fell here this week, a sprinkle of rain, followed by snow flurries, followed by freezing rain.
And, no sooner did the first speshul snowflake (tm) hit pavement, than the phone here began sqwaking off the hook like a violated parakeet...
In the span of 10 measly minutes, we had 8 calls from the 911 center rack up on us from people who went flying off the road under varying speeds and situations, but the common denominator was always the same... believing the mystic "4x4" button or "Traction Control" button on the dash makes you impervious to physics and allows you to continue tooling down the freeway like nothing is wrong, even if the surface of the road just turned the perfect texture to host the Stanley Cup playoffs.
It got so bad, the State Troopers started closing highways left and right because people just couldn't be trusted to SLOW DOWN IN INCLEMENT WEATHER and not turn the interstate into amateur night at the county's largest free-admission demo derby.
Not that it helped.
Spitz was on his way back with a wrecked Chevy Tahoe when the guy behind him decided that 4,000 pounds of extra weight on your back on an icy road or not, 30 was way to slow to be driving, and tried to pass the tow truck. He lost control, and crashed into the Tahoe. It was already wrecked, but, geeze dude, what's it take to GET the hint through your thick skull and into the chewy nougat center you call a brain that you shouldn't overtake in those conditions?
When it's icy, and cars are visibly wrecking around you, SLOW THE EFF DOWN! IT'S FREEZING RAIN OUT HERE!! (and fortunately, nobody was hurt, except the guys wallet, because the state police cited him big time, they weren't happy that the wreck scene they just cleared became a wreck again)
Then there was the guy who's wrecked truck we were sent to pick up from being entangled in the guardrail off the rightmost lane eastbound on route 99.... he started that accident in the rightmost lane WESTbound on route 99, meaning he was going fast enough in poor weather to cross two lanes of road, the median, punch through the guardrail in the middle of THAT and then cross two more lanes adn end up in the guardrail on the far shoulder of the other side....
You just can't do that if you're driving a reasonable speed in bad weather, you have to be doing 70+ to pull that one off. Just another person who pushed the "easy button" and figured the magical 4x4 elves would do the rest... now he's got no more truck to play with and we could've avoided this all if you'd just SLOW THE EFF DOWN! IT'S FREEZING RAIN OUT HERE!!
Then Slim had to spend 15 minutes in a shooting gallery, trying to load an already crashed car that smacked the barrier in the middle of a bridge, only to have an out-of-control Jeep (yet another 4x4 fanatic) fly by him as he worked, missing him by only 10 feet, and plow into the same barrier. He gave up. If all the flashing lights and beacons on his truck, plus the smashed cars around you don't get the message through, nothing will. He made sure everyone was okay and gave them all a ride off the interstate to the nearest gas station, and told the cops he'd be back to pick the wrecks up when people stopped going kamikaze on him. It took two hours before that mess got cleaned up. SLOW THE EFF DOWN! IT'S FREEZING RAIN OUT HERE!
Well, on the bright side, that's one down and one to go. After the first good winter weather hits, everyone who can't drive in it crashes out. But you're not safe until the SECOND one hits, at which point, they crash out their loaner car they've been driving since the last one, and nobody ever gives them a third.
And, that's just the calls the PD had us on, we had at least a half-dozen more from people who thought we were joking when we started quoting 3 hour ETAs for tows. Yes, we're dead serious, that's how long it's going to take to get to you right now, we've got priority accidents to deal with first, the roads are a cold mess, if they're open, the others are nothing but very long and very narrow parking lots, and we still have to call back at least two people who requested tows and tell them that sorry, not feeling safe driving is NOT a good enough reason for us to bump you to the top of the list, in fact, it drops you to the very very bottom. Oh, and calling your motor club DOES NOT IMPROVE the ETA, road closed means ROAD CLOSED.
And, the guy who just couldn't understand, the tow you want can't be performed right now, even if we were sitting around tossing darts and bored out of our minds, because the town you want to go to right now can't be reached, the ROAD IS CLOSED from the WEATHER, and we have no idea when it will be open again.
And then there was the guy who wanted his cycle towed. Yeah, we can do that, in about four hours. Wait, what's that? "We're not being very helpful" you say? Do Tell. Buddy, every one of us has been HIT or ALMOST HIT today, forgive us if we ain't exactly chomping at the bit to risk it again for you, and it's not OUR fault you decided to take your MOTORCYCLE out in this, and now can't get home..... you'll just have to wait those three hours or start walkin. Your choice, it's a free country. Oh, and for the unwarranted attitude:
MAY A THOUSAND STINGING INSECTS LUST FOR THY FLESH!!!!
*CLICKSLAM*
Hmmm, never tried laying a curse on anyone before, it actually felt pretty good. I could get used to it...
Felt So Nice, We Did it Twice
When you have no permit for an apartment, and park there anyway, AND get the "Yoinks! And Awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy..." treatment. And have to pay $130 in penalties, here's an idea: Don't immediately go BACK to the SAME apartment, STILL without the required permit, and park on the OTHER side of the double-rowed parking lot, thinking the rules are different on that side.
They aren't
And neither is the price, that'll be ANOTHER $130, junior.
Lemme just save you the trouble, ALL the spaces work that way, don't try them all one-by-one in the hopes of finding the one that's magically protected with the circle of tow-warding enchantment, okay? If you insist on your trial-and-error approach, It's only going to cost you, by my rough math, $2990 to try the remaining 23 you haven't been towed out of.... YET.
Break a Leg
Do I have any volunteers to break mine? Right now? So I can get prime parking for Black Friday?
The reason I ask is that a fractured bone apparently makes you immune to all parking rules because only a no good, big, dumb, meanie would NOT let you park AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE to a store when you have a broken leg, and FORCE YOU TO LIMP ON IT.
At least that's what the note in the car said, "Sorry, have broken leg, be back soon"
A note we didn't read, because we were too busy hooking up the car to tow it, because it was BLOCKING in 3 other cars in a dead end section of the lot, one of which was trying valiantly to escape from the logjam by executing the tricky 38-point turn.
Yeah, you are imagining that correctly, they pulled right up to the front door of the store the lot was for, longways, perpendicular to the marked row, blocking in three others, wrote a note, and figured that was good enough.
They're also in a fire lane, but, to be just fleetingly fair, the markings are so faded you can't read them, but, common sense, if it were common, would've kicked the owner in the pants and said "Hey dummy, you think the curb here is painted yellow just for looks? And don't you find the LACK of parking stall lines here a bit conspicuous?"
And, just to crap it all off (NOT a typo) , Tiny Tim did hobble back to the car while we were loading and, though being truthful that they did in fact have a broken leg, now owed us $75 for his unique take on parking.
This caused an irate guy to wander out of the coffee shop across the street and yell at US the entire time about how we're a bunch of dirty scavengers, harassing a clearly WOUNDED person for NO REASON AT ALL.
Methinks he wouldn't be so eager to White Knight if it was HIM who got blocked in, whaddaya think? We could ask Mr. 38 point turn over here, who doesn't look very happy either, but that confrontation might end with even MORE people on crutches, so, just go back to your pumpkin spice latte' and we'll handle this.
Einstein Got it Wrong
You do NOT have to be traveling at near-light-speed for time to slow down for you relative to everyone else.
Case in point.
One apartment downtown, in an effort to try and be accommodating, carved out a spot in their lot and declared it their drop-off spot, you can use it for 1 hour, MAX per 24 hour period.
Naturally, people started abusing this faster and harsher than a rented mule, treating it as a first-come-first-serve free space for the weekend and beyond.
So, we got the order to start towing people who don't vamoose after that one hour.
I went down to the crafts store and bought a pack of Crayola sidewalk chalk (I didn't HAVE to get the kind with the included glitter bits, but I did) and being that this place is only three blocks from us, everytime I drive past and notice a car in that spot, I'll mark the tires. If they're still marked in a hour, so long chum.
First person we got, in fact, STILL hasn't called or come in to pick up the car, and that was a week ago.
I think we found the person that was pissing management off. But the real puzzler was one Spitz got yesterday. Despite the fact the pink glitter mark was STILL ON THE TIRE, exactly where I put it, an HOUR earlier, and the fact that he pointed that out to the owner very clearly when she went berserk at the prospect of having to pay a drop fee, she steadfastly refused to budge, why she was only there for FIVE MINUTES.
Well, if you mean 5 minute increments, back to back, 12 times, then yes, you're right, otherwise no.
Nope, WE'RE the ones wrong, she's only been there five minutes. "I only been here five minute!" she repeated, over and over. (and that's also not a typo, she wasn't a native English speaker, apparently, which just made everything that much harder to impress upon her)
Spitz kept pointing at the chalk marks and telling her it was an hour.
She kept yammering "Five minute!"
Finally Spitz runs out of patience and tells her either she pays $75 now, or $130 at the garage.
Now the tune changes: "I have sick kid! He need his medicine!"
Really, you went there? You tried the ol' "My kid is going to DIE in the next 10 seconds unless you let me take my car an leave" routine? Really?
Spitz, noting that said terminal kid doesn't seem to be HERE right now, tells her she's welcome to take his meds from the car if that's where they are, but, he's leaving NOW unless she pays up.
She did.
I don't get it... I really don't.
If I had the spare time and ability to know beforehand who's going to put up a fight, and set up my camera to record me chalking the car, an hour going by, and then me (or Spitz in this case) returning to tow it, and FORCED these "only 5 minute" people to WATCH minute by minute as their car wears out it's welcome..... what I really REALLY want to know is. Do these people HONESTLY think they've only been there 5 minutes? Do they suck at telling time? Is their delusion strong enough they'd accuse us of faking said video footage? The way some people really want to argue about it makes me curious.
Mostly annoyed.
But sometimes, curious.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.
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