Here are two from last night.
The Service Dog
Dear Sir or Madam,
I realize that I was not present when you checked in, but I understand that you presented all the proper paperwork signed by all the proper people in all the proper places designating your dog as a service animal. The outgoing shift informed me that you seemed to have no visual or hearing impairment and that your service dog was in reality something more along the lines of a naked yapping rat.
Perhaps you need it for your nervous condition. Perhaps you need it to sense an oncoming seizure -- although I find this latter possibility doubtful as your service rat is far too nervous to perform in such a capacity. If you were to suffer a seizure it would probably suffer such a spasm of helpless anguish that it would explode.
I suspect this, of course, because your dog was the reason no one could make a move in the hallway on the floor where your room was located for most of the night, lest your yapping rat go off like a defective car alarm. All I can say is that if I needed a dog for a nervous condition, and that was what I was issued, it would drive me right over the goddamn edge doubletime.
Go to hell and take your yapping rat with you.
Love,
The Front Desk
A Lack of Perspective
Dear Madam,
You can't possibly know how happy it made me to know that one, I had ruined your night, two, I had ruined your morning, and three, that you would never stay at another Elongated Hexagon Inn ever again due to the unforgivable inconvenience of not being able to connect to the wireless Internet. I am disappointed that I was unable to ruin your Christmas in this manner, but as the head of housekeeping pointed out when I told her, there is still time, and therefore I live in hope.
I understand your frustration, and I also understand how jarring it must be to have to choose the complimentary guest access option versus the one set aside for members of our super-duper uber-special loyalty program -- despite the fact that you are at the lowest tier of said program. Perhaps you aspire to become a Cubic Zirconium member one day and are already practicing your nasty attitude and inflated sense of entitlement.
Perhaps I do not care.
I do note, however, that when I Googled your name (I certainly had no problems connecting to the Internet down at the front desk, haha!) you are a teacher. Maybe I haven't been around enough teachers lately, but I was under the impression that teachers tend not to be irrational bitches who lack a sense of perspective on what could actually constitute a ruined night or morning, or what would be worth swearing off an entire hotel chain.
Please believe me when I say that I hope your tires explode en route to your county of origin -- perhaps then you might understand when it might be worth declaring a ruined morning. Also please believe me when I tell you that I was so delighted to have ruined both your night and your morning that I rewarded myself with breakfast at a restaurant.
Kisses,
The Front Desk
PS: You can go straight to hell too, and I hope they seat you behind the naked yapping rat for all eternity.
The Service Dog
Dear Sir or Madam,
I realize that I was not present when you checked in, but I understand that you presented all the proper paperwork signed by all the proper people in all the proper places designating your dog as a service animal. The outgoing shift informed me that you seemed to have no visual or hearing impairment and that your service dog was in reality something more along the lines of a naked yapping rat.
Perhaps you need it for your nervous condition. Perhaps you need it to sense an oncoming seizure -- although I find this latter possibility doubtful as your service rat is far too nervous to perform in such a capacity. If you were to suffer a seizure it would probably suffer such a spasm of helpless anguish that it would explode.
I suspect this, of course, because your dog was the reason no one could make a move in the hallway on the floor where your room was located for most of the night, lest your yapping rat go off like a defective car alarm. All I can say is that if I needed a dog for a nervous condition, and that was what I was issued, it would drive me right over the goddamn edge doubletime.
Go to hell and take your yapping rat with you.
Love,
The Front Desk
A Lack of Perspective
Dear Madam,
You can't possibly know how happy it made me to know that one, I had ruined your night, two, I had ruined your morning, and three, that you would never stay at another Elongated Hexagon Inn ever again due to the unforgivable inconvenience of not being able to connect to the wireless Internet. I am disappointed that I was unable to ruin your Christmas in this manner, but as the head of housekeeping pointed out when I told her, there is still time, and therefore I live in hope.
I understand your frustration, and I also understand how jarring it must be to have to choose the complimentary guest access option versus the one set aside for members of our super-duper uber-special loyalty program -- despite the fact that you are at the lowest tier of said program. Perhaps you aspire to become a Cubic Zirconium member one day and are already practicing your nasty attitude and inflated sense of entitlement.
Perhaps I do not care.
I do note, however, that when I Googled your name (I certainly had no problems connecting to the Internet down at the front desk, haha!) you are a teacher. Maybe I haven't been around enough teachers lately, but I was under the impression that teachers tend not to be irrational bitches who lack a sense of perspective on what could actually constitute a ruined night or morning, or what would be worth swearing off an entire hotel chain.
Please believe me when I say that I hope your tires explode en route to your county of origin -- perhaps then you might understand when it might be worth declaring a ruined morning. Also please believe me when I tell you that I was so delighted to have ruined both your night and your morning that I rewarded myself with breakfast at a restaurant.
Kisses,
The Front Desk
PS: You can go straight to hell too, and I hope they seat you behind the naked yapping rat for all eternity.
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