So, a bit of background first...This past year I graduated from university and scored my dream job working in a large provincial park in northern Ontario. Overall, it was marvellous. I worked at one of the smaller campgrounds selling electrical sites, as well as backcountry passes to those hardier souls who don't need their RV to camp. However, you do meet some very sucky customers (well, sucky tourists) who expect the strangest things...
The omen...
This is were I realized parks is not all fun and sunshine. Or even bugs and storms...I was sent to pick up trash at the access point to the lake I worked at. (Basically where you put in your canoe) Whatever did I find? Used diapers, scattered through the woods. I guess I should be glad they did not leave them in the backcountry, but still!!! WHO leaves that type of thing on the ground? Little did I know...
Recylced Surprise
A theme of the summer seemed to be people defecating anywhere BUT where they were supposed too. As witness when the maintenence guys informed me that they hade found a little ziplock baggies full of poop in the recyling bins. That is not recycleable. And for the record, the campground HAD flush toilets, people were just too lazy to use them.
Angry Brits and 'False Advertising'
Co-worker (CW)
British hikers (BHS)
BH: 'Scuse us, where do you keep the bears?
Cw: Pardon? Like the stuffed ones from the gift shop?
BH: No, the BEARS. Where are the cages? Where do you keep them? We want to know where we can go to see them.
CW:Ummmm, sorry we don't exactly KEEP them anywhere...This is a park, they sort of...run wild?
BH: What do you mean? There is no viewing area? There are no planned bear viewings?
CW: Well, no...
BH: THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WE CAME FROM ENGLAND TO SEE BEARS!!! RARGH! YOU ARE A DISORGANIZED PARK!!!
Wide Load
People would complain our sites would not fit their 45 foot RVs. People, when this campsite was made, there WERE no 45 foot RVs. WHY are you camping if you must have that? Stay at one of the lodges for chrissake. I can understand the nice elderly folks with their RVs, but otherwise, dosen't it defeat the point of camping?
Water Safety
Death wishing idjits (DW)
ME (ME)
Park Policy was no backcountry permits are sold after 7pm. After that, there is no time to get to your site before dark, which is hella-dangerous. Also, there was a severe storm warning. As we had already had one storm death that year, it made me a bit...jumpy shall we say when the DW partyshowed up at 7:30.
DW: Hi, we're here for our permit
Me: Sorry, it is too late to issue it now, and we have a severe storm warning so it isn't really safe for you to canoe out anyways.
DW: No, don't worry, see we just bought this new canoe, we know what we are doing! It's top quality!
ME: No, really...I can't give you the permit. I could get in big trouble. Park Policy, y'know.
DW: But the sky looks fine now! We can canoe! IT is not dark (No, but is is sunset as we speak...happens early under all the trees)
DW's Girlfriend (speaking through a pound of makeup) We have to CANOE? We can;t walk to the toilets?
Me: Well, the interior sited all have a box...
DW's Girlfriend: A BOX? *apoplexy*
DW: Just give us the permit...
ME: YOU COULD DIE YUPPIE BOY!
rinse, lather repeat. Lucky for him, DW's girlfriend saved his butt by refusing to paddle, and they got a regular site.
Later that year, we had a group go out who had NO CLUE how to paddle. It was a fairly chilly day in August and the canoe tipped in the wind. As the other boat didn't know how to paddle, they were unable to help the others (two parents and an eight year old) back into their canoe. Instead of swimming for shore, or the island FORTY FEET from them, they sat there in the water. In the cold. By the time a convienient group of scouts pulled them out, the little girl was well on her way to a severe case of hypothermia. Much longer in there and she would have DIED.
The other canoe did not try to get her out, to the island where there was a fire pit or even PADDLE TO THE OFFICE for help. All of these would have gotten them out quicker.
This year, thank GOD, we had no drowings at our lake. Maybe even the whole park, but I am not positive. We HAVE had them in years past. The most memorable apparently involved an S&M scence gone awry in which the sub found, to the dom's dismay, that leather chaps make terribly inefficient aids to flotation. OF course, what can you expect from people who think it is nifty to have kinky sex on a lake in a canoe at 3am while under the influence...
The long haul
On longh weekends the park is booked full. FULL. Not a campsite to be had for love or money. So WHY do people insist on telling me how far they drove to get there? It won't help. If there was a site in the entire park, I would sell it to you. Honestly
Not handicapped enough
We had two handicapped sites. Most handicapped people used the normal sites ,but some needed the special access, such as a couple we had who were both confined to wheel chairs. One day they both came into our office
Wheelchair Dude: WD
ME
Warden Man: WM
WD: Um, I have been watching the people on the other handicapped site (the wheelchair people had one, and there was another family on the other) and I don't think they have anyone handicapped. I think they are just using someone's pass. Can you have the warden go kick them off?
Me: Well, I will see what I can do, I will definately tell the warden to stop by
Me: Hey WM! Can you check site *blah*? Apparently they people at *Blarg* site say they are not handicapped?
WM: The grandpa is 97 and can barely walk...I am pretty sure he is handicapped...
Me: The wheelchair people apparently disagree...
Honestly, WHY would they do that? To get the other site? Or just to be jerks? *SIGH*
Wildlife
Okay, here is one of my BIG peeves...The animals are wild. DO NOT FEED THEM. The bears are not Winnie the Pooh. DO NOT TRY TO ATTRACT THEM. We had to kill FOUR aggressive bears at least this year, cause of damn tourists feeding them till they lost the fear of people and got aggressive. We had to shoot a wolf last year cause someone tried to feed it by hand. Trust me, in a choice between turkey coldcuts and you, YOU are tastier. Just because it looks like a dog, does NOT mean it acts like one.
Same for Moose. Just cause it looks like a horse, does not mean it is tame nor rideable. Moose are angry and ornery. ESPECIALLY in the mating season when you see them the most. Do not put your kid up there if you EVER want them back.
And please, PLEASE for the love of Sekhmet and all that is good in this world...DON'T smear your kid with honey, BBQ sauce or WHATEVER to get a cute pic of the bear licking them. IT WILL NOT BE GOOD YOU ASSHAT. (We see this every year)
The storm
We had bad storms this year. Our power, phones and water were out for eight days. We gave a big discount. Do not ask for FREE Camping though. You still used our site, our trash facilities, etc. We GAVE you a per night rebate. Do not tell us the warden said it was okay, we know you lie cause we just spoke to him.
Also...I am so very NOT sorry about your A/C, Satellite etc on your trailer not working. Did you know you are camping?
Also...you cellphone does not work here. We are sorry. But take it up with your provider not me.
Unsanitary
A lot of people thought our public toilets were unsanitary. We did clean them several times a day. But they would go anywhere but there. On their sites, on the road, in the shower...it was awful. Except if the toilet was plugged. THEN everyone would use it. No matter how bad it got. And not tell us it was broken. The hight point of the summer was one backcounrty warden who ticketed every member of a family of 11 for pooping all over their site. And made them carry it all out. And followed them to make SURE they did. HAHAHAHA.
Elephants and monkeys
Long story short...we had a gentleman swear he saw a monkey. And another ask were the elephants where. Did we move to Africa?
Incompetant
Being a bit tired is not reason for a warden to evac you. Do you know how we evac? The wardens go in and carry you out on a stretcher. We have no secret ATV/Truck trails to whisk in and pick you up. ATV;s will not fit on our trails, the terrain is no good for them. So unless you broke something, hike your own damn fat ass out. Oh, and if you get lost. Stay where you are. For the love of Ghandi, do not try to bushwack. You have already proven your sense of direction sucks. You will just get more lost.
Baby Dalhmer
We had a kid stone a duckling to death. An ENDANGERED duckling. In front of several traumatized little girls. WE caught the kid, told his dad. Dad was not pleased to say the least. And I had to explain to several very young girls that 'duckie' would not be okay. Damn.
Overall though...LOVED that job. Met so many wonderfully tourist, from 'Uncle Buck', a lovely man who stayed all summer and cooked for us, to the sweet German couple who helped me with my French. And lots of cute kids, whom I got to teach all about ecology.
The omen...
This is were I realized parks is not all fun and sunshine. Or even bugs and storms...I was sent to pick up trash at the access point to the lake I worked at. (Basically where you put in your canoe) Whatever did I find? Used diapers, scattered through the woods. I guess I should be glad they did not leave them in the backcountry, but still!!! WHO leaves that type of thing on the ground? Little did I know...
Recylced Surprise
A theme of the summer seemed to be people defecating anywhere BUT where they were supposed too. As witness when the maintenence guys informed me that they hade found a little ziplock baggies full of poop in the recyling bins. That is not recycleable. And for the record, the campground HAD flush toilets, people were just too lazy to use them.
Angry Brits and 'False Advertising'
Co-worker (CW)
British hikers (BHS)
BH: 'Scuse us, where do you keep the bears?
Cw: Pardon? Like the stuffed ones from the gift shop?
BH: No, the BEARS. Where are the cages? Where do you keep them? We want to know where we can go to see them.
CW:Ummmm, sorry we don't exactly KEEP them anywhere...This is a park, they sort of...run wild?
BH: What do you mean? There is no viewing area? There are no planned bear viewings?
CW: Well, no...
BH: THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WE CAME FROM ENGLAND TO SEE BEARS!!! RARGH! YOU ARE A DISORGANIZED PARK!!!
Wide Load
People would complain our sites would not fit their 45 foot RVs. People, when this campsite was made, there WERE no 45 foot RVs. WHY are you camping if you must have that? Stay at one of the lodges for chrissake. I can understand the nice elderly folks with their RVs, but otherwise, dosen't it defeat the point of camping?
Water Safety
Death wishing idjits (DW)
ME (ME)
Park Policy was no backcountry permits are sold after 7pm. After that, there is no time to get to your site before dark, which is hella-dangerous. Also, there was a severe storm warning. As we had already had one storm death that year, it made me a bit...jumpy shall we say when the DW partyshowed up at 7:30.
DW: Hi, we're here for our permit
Me: Sorry, it is too late to issue it now, and we have a severe storm warning so it isn't really safe for you to canoe out anyways.
DW: No, don't worry, see we just bought this new canoe, we know what we are doing! It's top quality!
ME: No, really...I can't give you the permit. I could get in big trouble. Park Policy, y'know.
DW: But the sky looks fine now! We can canoe! IT is not dark (No, but is is sunset as we speak...happens early under all the trees)
DW's Girlfriend (speaking through a pound of makeup) We have to CANOE? We can;t walk to the toilets?
Me: Well, the interior sited all have a box...
DW's Girlfriend: A BOX? *apoplexy*
DW: Just give us the permit...
ME: YOU COULD DIE YUPPIE BOY!
rinse, lather repeat. Lucky for him, DW's girlfriend saved his butt by refusing to paddle, and they got a regular site.
Later that year, we had a group go out who had NO CLUE how to paddle. It was a fairly chilly day in August and the canoe tipped in the wind. As the other boat didn't know how to paddle, they were unable to help the others (two parents and an eight year old) back into their canoe. Instead of swimming for shore, or the island FORTY FEET from them, they sat there in the water. In the cold. By the time a convienient group of scouts pulled them out, the little girl was well on her way to a severe case of hypothermia. Much longer in there and she would have DIED.
The other canoe did not try to get her out, to the island where there was a fire pit or even PADDLE TO THE OFFICE for help. All of these would have gotten them out quicker.
This year, thank GOD, we had no drowings at our lake. Maybe even the whole park, but I am not positive. We HAVE had them in years past. The most memorable apparently involved an S&M scence gone awry in which the sub found, to the dom's dismay, that leather chaps make terribly inefficient aids to flotation. OF course, what can you expect from people who think it is nifty to have kinky sex on a lake in a canoe at 3am while under the influence...
The long haul
On longh weekends the park is booked full. FULL. Not a campsite to be had for love or money. So WHY do people insist on telling me how far they drove to get there? It won't help. If there was a site in the entire park, I would sell it to you. Honestly
Not handicapped enough
We had two handicapped sites. Most handicapped people used the normal sites ,but some needed the special access, such as a couple we had who were both confined to wheel chairs. One day they both came into our office
Wheelchair Dude: WD
ME
Warden Man: WM
WD: Um, I have been watching the people on the other handicapped site (the wheelchair people had one, and there was another family on the other) and I don't think they have anyone handicapped. I think they are just using someone's pass. Can you have the warden go kick them off?
Me: Well, I will see what I can do, I will definately tell the warden to stop by
Me: Hey WM! Can you check site *blah*? Apparently they people at *Blarg* site say they are not handicapped?
WM: The grandpa is 97 and can barely walk...I am pretty sure he is handicapped...
Me: The wheelchair people apparently disagree...
Honestly, WHY would they do that? To get the other site? Or just to be jerks? *SIGH*
Wildlife
Okay, here is one of my BIG peeves...The animals are wild. DO NOT FEED THEM. The bears are not Winnie the Pooh. DO NOT TRY TO ATTRACT THEM. We had to kill FOUR aggressive bears at least this year, cause of damn tourists feeding them till they lost the fear of people and got aggressive. We had to shoot a wolf last year cause someone tried to feed it by hand. Trust me, in a choice between turkey coldcuts and you, YOU are tastier. Just because it looks like a dog, does NOT mean it acts like one.
Same for Moose. Just cause it looks like a horse, does not mean it is tame nor rideable. Moose are angry and ornery. ESPECIALLY in the mating season when you see them the most. Do not put your kid up there if you EVER want them back.
And please, PLEASE for the love of Sekhmet and all that is good in this world...DON'T smear your kid with honey, BBQ sauce or WHATEVER to get a cute pic of the bear licking them. IT WILL NOT BE GOOD YOU ASSHAT. (We see this every year)
The storm
We had bad storms this year. Our power, phones and water were out for eight days. We gave a big discount. Do not ask for FREE Camping though. You still used our site, our trash facilities, etc. We GAVE you a per night rebate. Do not tell us the warden said it was okay, we know you lie cause we just spoke to him.
Also...I am so very NOT sorry about your A/C, Satellite etc on your trailer not working. Did you know you are camping?
Also...you cellphone does not work here. We are sorry. But take it up with your provider not me.
Unsanitary
A lot of people thought our public toilets were unsanitary. We did clean them several times a day. But they would go anywhere but there. On their sites, on the road, in the shower...it was awful. Except if the toilet was plugged. THEN everyone would use it. No matter how bad it got. And not tell us it was broken. The hight point of the summer was one backcounrty warden who ticketed every member of a family of 11 for pooping all over their site. And made them carry it all out. And followed them to make SURE they did. HAHAHAHA.
Elephants and monkeys
Long story short...we had a gentleman swear he saw a monkey. And another ask were the elephants where. Did we move to Africa?
Incompetant
Being a bit tired is not reason for a warden to evac you. Do you know how we evac? The wardens go in and carry you out on a stretcher. We have no secret ATV/Truck trails to whisk in and pick you up. ATV;s will not fit on our trails, the terrain is no good for them. So unless you broke something, hike your own damn fat ass out. Oh, and if you get lost. Stay where you are. For the love of Ghandi, do not try to bushwack. You have already proven your sense of direction sucks. You will just get more lost.
Baby Dalhmer
We had a kid stone a duckling to death. An ENDANGERED duckling. In front of several traumatized little girls. WE caught the kid, told his dad. Dad was not pleased to say the least. And I had to explain to several very young girls that 'duckie' would not be okay. Damn.
Overall though...LOVED that job. Met so many wonderfully tourist, from 'Uncle Buck', a lovely man who stayed all summer and cooked for us, to the sweet German couple who helped me with my French. And lots of cute kids, whom I got to teach all about ecology.
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