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Ever get sucked into a situation and have no idea how to extricate yourself gracefully?
It happened today right before lunch, so I was hungry. The caller wasn't rude or particularly stupid. Nevertheless she turned out to be a huge time-waster and I couldn't find any graceful way to end the call. Here's my best recollection of the conversation with my comments in red:
[The call started off normally enough, although she seemed to take a roundabout way to get to the point.]
Me: [Canned greeting] How may I help you?
Caller: If I buy an update, I hear I have to get the newest version.
Me: Yes. We only ship the latest version.
Caller: What version is that?
Me: [names version]
Caller: Yeah. If I get the update what will it do?
[What will it do? The same thing as your old version, only (we hope) better. Other than that it has about 500 improvements. Do you really want to pay for the phone call where I read the whole list to you?]
Me: Um. I'm not sure what you mean. Is there something specific you want it to do?
Caller: Will it do something to my [hardware]?
Me: I'm not sure I followed that. Are you worried that it won't be compatible with your [hardware]?
Caller: Yeah. I guess.
Me: It works with over seventy models of [hardware]. What kind do you have?
Caller: [names model]
Me: No problem. It will work with that just fine.
Caller: Will it work OK with Windows XP?
Me: Yes. It was developed and tested on Windows XP.
Caller: All right. Will I be able to install it?
[OK. We are now at the point where I better get her serial number because if she isn't eligible for a free update, I'm going to have to quote her the price. So....]
Me: I'll have to check our database to answer that. May I get your serial number, please?
Caller: I don't know. I can't find anything. I just moved. It wasn't far, just two towns away. I think I kept the papers in my files, but I can't find them. I just moved here and, well, I don't think I can find it.
Me: Did you register it? If you did I can look it up in our database. I'll just need your last name.
[A little back and forth while I verified who she was and found her serial number. Fortunately, she HAD registered it.]
Me: I found your serial number. It's [number]. You will need to know it when you order your update. I'm just going to check to see what your price will be.
[I looked it up and found that she already HAS the latest version. It was purchased two weeks ago. I'm like ::huh?:: ]
Me: Did you realize that an update was purchased for your license two weeks ago?
Caller: Yeah. [Government agency] bought it for me.
Me: OK. Have you received the package from them?
Caller: Package?
Me: Yes. You should receive a box with an installation CD and an installation guide.
Caller: Not yet. I guess it's still on the way.
Me: That's OK. You can still install it today by downloading it.
Caller: No. I'll just wait for the CD.
[At this point I'm trying to figure out why she was still on the phone. Maybe she had concerns about it working on her computer, but I had addressed those. She didn't want help with installation. She didn't have any questions. Yet she still seemed to be expecting something from me. I just couldn't figure out what it was. So I decided to give her a helpful hint about installing it when she got the CD. It turned out to be a very big mistake.]
Me: OK. When you get the CD, make sure you have the license floppy from your original 1998 version handy. The installer may ask you to insert it. But don't worry if you don't have it handy or can't find it. Just give us a call when you are ready to install the update and we'll give you some information you can type in to get it installed.
Caller: What does the license floppy look like?
Me: It will have our company name on it and the serial number I gave you.
Caller: I think I found it...wait...oh...I don't have my glasses on...G?...no...C...oh, I can read these things.
Me: That's all right. As I said, if you can't find it, you can give us a call and we'll help you get your update installed.
Caller: Wait...s...e...t...a...noooo...u...p. Setup. Is that the one I want?
Me: I don't think so. Please don't worry about it. Just give us a call when you get your CD.
Caller: This one looks right. D...I...S...K...wait...the next one is a number...um...4. That's not it.
Me: You won't need the disk. It dates from 1998 and might not even work any more. Just call us when you get the CD and we'll help you get installed.
Caller: Here's one. H...P. Darn, I can't see these letters without my glasses. Oh, that's my HP restore disk. That's not it.
[Realizing that she rummaging through a box with not only our product in it, but every product she's bought since 1998, I've gone from miming pulling my hair out to actually pulling it.]
Me: You really don't need to worry about it finding your disk. We'll be able to help you install whenever you are ready. Nowadays a lot of people don't even have floppy drives, so we have an alternative means of getting your license installed.
Caller: A...I...OH! I forgot I had that. That's my scanning program. I love that program. I thought I'd lost it.
[Egads. We're not just reading labels of unrelated floppy disks over the phone without our glasses; we're also reminiscing in sentimental fashion about them. ]
Me: Did you want to install today?
Caller: No, thank you. Oh! X....C...O...P...Y. XCopy? What's that?
Me: I'm afraid I don't know.
Caller: That's OK....Oh...This one has...um... I think...a D on it.
[Actually I do know XCOPY is a DOS command, but I'm not curious enough to ask why a disk is labelled XCOPY.
I also know that the call isn't going to go anywhere constructive and yet she's nice and I can't be be mean to nice people, even very annoying nice people.
I realize she plans to pay long-distance charges to keep me on the phone while she looks, in the most inefficient manner possible, for a disk that she has been told several times ISN'T NECESSARY.
I'm trying my best to think of a polite way (besides the way I tried several times with no success) to convey that without hurting her feelings. The best I came up with was...]
Me: Do you have another question for me today?
Caller: I guess not.
[Yes. She sounded disappointed. As I mentioned, she wasn't stupid; she knew I was trying to get rid of her. I felt pretty guilty, but hunger was fast winning out over the guilt.
]
Me: Thank you for calling us today. Please give us another call when you get your CD. You can ask for me, Dips. If I'm not available, anybody else here can help you install your update.
Caller: OK. Good-bye.
Me: Good-bye.
[I felt like shit, but that call had to end.]
It happened today right before lunch, so I was hungry. The caller wasn't rude or particularly stupid. Nevertheless she turned out to be a huge time-waster and I couldn't find any graceful way to end the call. Here's my best recollection of the conversation with my comments in red:
[The call started off normally enough, although she seemed to take a roundabout way to get to the point.]
Me: [Canned greeting] How may I help you?
Caller: If I buy an update, I hear I have to get the newest version.
Me: Yes. We only ship the latest version.
Caller: What version is that?
Me: [names version]
Caller: Yeah. If I get the update what will it do?
[What will it do? The same thing as your old version, only (we hope) better. Other than that it has about 500 improvements. Do you really want to pay for the phone call where I read the whole list to you?]
Me: Um. I'm not sure what you mean. Is there something specific you want it to do?
Caller: Will it do something to my [hardware]?
Me: I'm not sure I followed that. Are you worried that it won't be compatible with your [hardware]?
Caller: Yeah. I guess.
Me: It works with over seventy models of [hardware]. What kind do you have?
Caller: [names model]
Me: No problem. It will work with that just fine.
Caller: Will it work OK with Windows XP?
Me: Yes. It was developed and tested on Windows XP.
Caller: All right. Will I be able to install it?
[OK. We are now at the point where I better get her serial number because if she isn't eligible for a free update, I'm going to have to quote her the price. So....]
Me: I'll have to check our database to answer that. May I get your serial number, please?
Caller: I don't know. I can't find anything. I just moved. It wasn't far, just two towns away. I think I kept the papers in my files, but I can't find them. I just moved here and, well, I don't think I can find it.
Me: Did you register it? If you did I can look it up in our database. I'll just need your last name.
[A little back and forth while I verified who she was and found her serial number. Fortunately, she HAD registered it.]
Me: I found your serial number. It's [number]. You will need to know it when you order your update. I'm just going to check to see what your price will be.
[I looked it up and found that she already HAS the latest version. It was purchased two weeks ago. I'm like ::huh?:: ]
Me: Did you realize that an update was purchased for your license two weeks ago?
Caller: Yeah. [Government agency] bought it for me.
Me: OK. Have you received the package from them?
Caller: Package?
Me: Yes. You should receive a box with an installation CD and an installation guide.
Caller: Not yet. I guess it's still on the way.
Me: That's OK. You can still install it today by downloading it.
Caller: No. I'll just wait for the CD.
[At this point I'm trying to figure out why she was still on the phone. Maybe she had concerns about it working on her computer, but I had addressed those. She didn't want help with installation. She didn't have any questions. Yet she still seemed to be expecting something from me. I just couldn't figure out what it was. So I decided to give her a helpful hint about installing it when she got the CD. It turned out to be a very big mistake.]
Me: OK. When you get the CD, make sure you have the license floppy from your original 1998 version handy. The installer may ask you to insert it. But don't worry if you don't have it handy or can't find it. Just give us a call when you are ready to install the update and we'll give you some information you can type in to get it installed.
Caller: What does the license floppy look like?
Me: It will have our company name on it and the serial number I gave you.
Caller: I think I found it...wait...oh...I don't have my glasses on...G?...no...C...oh, I can read these things.
Me: That's all right. As I said, if you can't find it, you can give us a call and we'll help you get your update installed.
Caller: Wait...s...e...t...a...noooo...u...p. Setup. Is that the one I want?
Me: I don't think so. Please don't worry about it. Just give us a call when you get your CD.
Caller: This one looks right. D...I...S...K...wait...the next one is a number...um...4. That's not it.
Me: You won't need the disk. It dates from 1998 and might not even work any more. Just call us when you get the CD and we'll help you get installed.
Caller: Here's one. H...P. Darn, I can't see these letters without my glasses. Oh, that's my HP restore disk. That's not it.
[Realizing that she rummaging through a box with not only our product in it, but every product she's bought since 1998, I've gone from miming pulling my hair out to actually pulling it.]
Me: You really don't need to worry about it finding your disk. We'll be able to help you install whenever you are ready. Nowadays a lot of people don't even have floppy drives, so we have an alternative means of getting your license installed.
Caller: A...I...OH! I forgot I had that. That's my scanning program. I love that program. I thought I'd lost it.
[Egads. We're not just reading labels of unrelated floppy disks over the phone without our glasses; we're also reminiscing in sentimental fashion about them. ]
Me: Did you want to install today?
Caller: No, thank you. Oh! X....C...O...P...Y. XCopy? What's that?
Me: I'm afraid I don't know.
Caller: That's OK....Oh...This one has...um... I think...a D on it.
[Actually I do know XCOPY is a DOS command, but I'm not curious enough to ask why a disk is labelled XCOPY.
I also know that the call isn't going to go anywhere constructive and yet she's nice and I can't be be mean to nice people, even very annoying nice people.
I realize she plans to pay long-distance charges to keep me on the phone while she looks, in the most inefficient manner possible, for a disk that she has been told several times ISN'T NECESSARY.
I'm trying my best to think of a polite way (besides the way I tried several times with no success) to convey that without hurting her feelings. The best I came up with was...]
Me: Do you have another question for me today?
Caller: I guess not.
[Yes. She sounded disappointed. As I mentioned, she wasn't stupid; she knew I was trying to get rid of her. I felt pretty guilty, but hunger was fast winning out over the guilt.
]Me: Thank you for calling us today. Please give us another call when you get your CD. You can ask for me, Dips. If I'm not available, anybody else here can help you install your update.
Caller: OK. Good-bye.
Me: Good-bye.
[I felt like shit, but that call had to end.]
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