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After a long and bitter struggle, the war is taking a turn for the worse as the soulless machines of the Customer Federation back up the CSR Republic's queues. Hold time seems to strengthen the wrath of the Federation's forces, and many CSRs are lost as they grow weaker from the unrelenting assault. For every Federation Customer destroyed, 10 more take its place.
But all is not lost. The Republic has sent its greatest warrior, her years of experience from the epic struggle on planet Sales in the Retail system a valuable asset, to put a stop to the conflict in a final desperate counterattack. She knows that as bleak as the situation appears, if their defenses can hold for 10 hours the fighting will come to an end. Then a day will come where peace will reign, where the autonomous whining and screaming of the Federation will cease, if only for 1 day. That day is tomorrow, and the CSR Republic is determined to survive to witness it...
ME: Darth Cellular
SM: Yodork
SW: Queen Waaamidala
Not really sucky
SM: I need the number for the Red Cross. 411 keeps giving me the wrong number.
ME: I'm afraid you'll have to try them again or look online. I don't have a directory.
SM: Yeah, but, okay, you know that big hurricane that hit Kansas?
ME: Uh...yeah. I'm actually in Kansas.
SM: Okay, so, my brother knows a guy who lives there and the phone lines are down so we're trying to find him and thought the Red Cross had a line there to contact people.
ME: You know what? Here's the number I have on my blood donor card. I don't know if it's the right number, but I'm sure they can get you to someone who can help.
This guy was in California. He has to live with the occasional tropical storm and earthquakes. I didn't hold it against him for not knowing what a tornado is. Fun fact: When my SO was little she lived in a small town in eastern Kansas. They did get hit by a hurricane that had come all the way up from the Gulf. It was little more than a severe storm by then, but the state kept calling it a hurricane just so we could say we got hit by one.
Do I even have to dignify that with a response?
SW: Can I see your phones at the website?
ME: Yes, you can. Just got to (company).com.
SW: Okay, I see (Competitor) phones, (Competitor) plans... Is that it?
Yeah, that's it. We kind of figured we should carry our competition's phones and plans for you in case you decide to cancel. That way, since you obviously couldn't navigate your way out of a wet paper bag with a map, GPS, and a chainsaw, you don't have to stumble through countless pages of cottage cheese fetish sites to find a provider willing to tolerate you.
Family Matters
ME: Is there any particular reason you want to cancel that line?
SM: Yes there is. Because my SON is... (away from the phone so all present with him can hear) AN ASSHOLE!
I applaud your lack of maturity. Some people would try to fight their inbred impulses and not give in to grade-school level tactics and be someone they're not. But not you. Nay you, sir, are a man who is true to himself and isn't afraid to let the world know how much of a loud idiot he is. Bravo.
Forward THIS
SW: I don't want call forwarding.
ME: You don't have your call forwarding set.
SW: But I don't want it at all. Turn it off.
ME: Unfortunately, I can't turn it off. Because when you don't answer your phone, the call gets forwarded to your voicemail. So if I turn it off, you'd lose call forwarding and vocemail.
SW: Are my calls being forwarded?
ME: Only to voicemail if you don't answer the phone. You can change it to go to a different number if you want to, but that's not set on your account.
SW: What number are my calls being forwarded to?
ME: They aren't. Only to the voicemail.
SW: No, I don't want call forwarding. Turn it off. Because my husband might try to forward my calls.
ME: There are only two ways to set your call forwarding. From your phone, and with us. You can password-protect your phone so that no one could just start changing settings, and we can put a password on your account for when you call in. In fact, we recommend it.
SW: Just tell me if my calls are being forwarded.
ME: No, there are no forwarded calls on your account. The only forwarding is to your voicemail (I shouldn't have said that...)
SW: My calls are being forwarded? To what number?
ME
We actually went over this several times. She was afraid her ex husband was somehow forwarding her calls to him so he could spy on her (which is impossible. Well, not impossible, but it would take millions of dollars and I'm sure the FCC would notice the unlicensed cell tower in his back yard). I understand that people get into bad situations sometimes, or situations that take a bad turn, but don't be so paranoid and open your ears. Take a zoloft and listen when someone is speaking to you.
Finance for dummies
SM: I need to pay this final bill and be done with you people.
ME: Okay, I can take that payment for you. I see your account canceled on 04/10.
SM: Yeah, I canceled because you guys wanted to charge me shipping for a replacement phone.
ME: You......? You went to another provider to avoid the $10 shipping fee.
SM: That's right. I've been a loyal customer for years and I can't believe you guys even had the nerve to tell me I had to pay shipping.
ME: So...you are paying a termination fee of $XXX.XX to avoid the $10 shipping charge?
SM: Yes I am.
ME: You...you understand that all providers charge shipping fees for warranty exchanges. Some providers have you send the phone to the manufacturer, and you not only pay shipping but are without a phone for 2 weeks while it is being serviced.
SM: Let them try to charge me. I'll cancel them too. I won't be treated like this, and I won't stay with a company that doesn't give me the treatment I deserve.
ME: Okay, so about that payment...
With my book and video series, The Road to Financial Ruin, you, too, can be as careless as I am with money and not have a single care for the repercussions. And be sure to check your local area for my nationwide seminar, Hello, Mr. Bankruptcy.
We've identified the problem. Step 2 is eliminating it
SM: I got this bill and I know it can't be right because it's $300 and there's no way it could be that high because I know I couldn't have gone over since I never go over but the bill says its over and I just know that's not right so could you explain this to me and let me know what the problem is I really think you guys must have messed up somewhere cause there's just no way I went over I mean it just isn't possible because I never go over and the bill is wrong but can you look at it for me and explain how this happened?
Whoa! Just...whoa! Easy there, Turbo. Take a breath every now and then. Now get a tape recorder and repeat what you just said to me, but stop before the oxygen completely leaves your brain because I want you to be conscious long enough to play it back. Don't say a word and just listen. That is how you went over. But it's okay, there's an easy solution to this issue. Shut the hell up!
There's a forehead-shaped indentation at my desk
ME: And how can I help you today?
SW: Well, I'm want to... Okay, the thing is I'm trying to get my life organized. My husband and I have been together for 37 years and now we're taking a break. It's not over, but we just need some time for ourselves. So now I'm out on my own and I need to get a few things straightened out. Life is funny like that, you know? I mean, there's so much to do now and I know it's only temporary but I need to get my life organized. You know, there was this time...
I blacked out right about here. My supervisor found me an hour later huddled under my desk, rocking back and forth and sucking my thumb.
Thanks for calling
SM: This is bulls***! You know what? Forget it, I don't have time for you and your stupid policies.
ME: Well, we do want to try and see why your phone is-
SM: I'M AT WORK! ALRIGHT? I WILL CALL YOU BACK!
Okay, first off, you called me. Secondly, I'm at work too, and that doesn't give me an excuse to be an ass.
I believe the Australian term would be that you're "in a right fine pisser, mate"
SM: Yeah, I have this charge of $525 for roaming and I need that taken off my bill.
ME: Well, I see your service was used internationally.
SM: The thing is, I added the international roaming capability to my service from the website so I could have it in Australia. But I didn't know it would be $1.49 per minute.
ME: Right. But if you added the feature from the website you would have seen a link on the same page that says "Find international rates and coverage." Clicking that link, you would have been able to select from all 186 countries where we offer international roaming and could see the coverage maps from the provider offering the roaming, and their rate per minute.
SM: Well....I didn't check that. So I didn't know. But I've been a good customer.
ME: Of course. But should you not be charged for service you used?
SM: Yeah, but, I mean, $525 for 4 days of use?
ME Yes. For 4 days of use in Australia.
SM: I'm not paying that, so you'll just have to cancel my lines.
ME: That would add $600 in termination fees, and you'd still have to pay this bill. Now, I can't take the charges off. But since you're a longtime customer, I'd be happy to offer a courtesy credit of $75. I know it's nothing compared to the charges for roaming, but it's the most I can do.
SM: No, that's not good enough. I'll call you back when I find a company that will take care of me.
Alright, g'day to you then, loser.
But all is not lost. The Republic has sent its greatest warrior, her years of experience from the epic struggle on planet Sales in the Retail system a valuable asset, to put a stop to the conflict in a final desperate counterattack. She knows that as bleak as the situation appears, if their defenses can hold for 10 hours the fighting will come to an end. Then a day will come where peace will reign, where the autonomous whining and screaming of the Federation will cease, if only for 1 day. That day is tomorrow, and the CSR Republic is determined to survive to witness it...
ME: Darth Cellular
SM: Yodork
SW: Queen Waaamidala
Not really sucky
SM: I need the number for the Red Cross. 411 keeps giving me the wrong number.
ME: I'm afraid you'll have to try them again or look online. I don't have a directory.
SM: Yeah, but, okay, you know that big hurricane that hit Kansas?
ME: Uh...yeah. I'm actually in Kansas.
SM: Okay, so, my brother knows a guy who lives there and the phone lines are down so we're trying to find him and thought the Red Cross had a line there to contact people.
ME: You know what? Here's the number I have on my blood donor card. I don't know if it's the right number, but I'm sure they can get you to someone who can help.
This guy was in California. He has to live with the occasional tropical storm and earthquakes. I didn't hold it against him for not knowing what a tornado is. Fun fact: When my SO was little she lived in a small town in eastern Kansas. They did get hit by a hurricane that had come all the way up from the Gulf. It was little more than a severe storm by then, but the state kept calling it a hurricane just so we could say we got hit by one.
Do I even have to dignify that with a response?
SW: Can I see your phones at the website?
ME: Yes, you can. Just got to (company).com.
SW: Okay, I see (Competitor) phones, (Competitor) plans... Is that it?
Yeah, that's it. We kind of figured we should carry our competition's phones and plans for you in case you decide to cancel. That way, since you obviously couldn't navigate your way out of a wet paper bag with a map, GPS, and a chainsaw, you don't have to stumble through countless pages of cottage cheese fetish sites to find a provider willing to tolerate you.
Family Matters
ME: Is there any particular reason you want to cancel that line?
SM: Yes there is. Because my SON is... (away from the phone so all present with him can hear) AN ASSHOLE!
I applaud your lack of maturity. Some people would try to fight their inbred impulses and not give in to grade-school level tactics and be someone they're not. But not you. Nay you, sir, are a man who is true to himself and isn't afraid to let the world know how much of a loud idiot he is. Bravo.
Forward THIS
SW: I don't want call forwarding.
ME: You don't have your call forwarding set.
SW: But I don't want it at all. Turn it off.
ME: Unfortunately, I can't turn it off. Because when you don't answer your phone, the call gets forwarded to your voicemail. So if I turn it off, you'd lose call forwarding and vocemail.
SW: Are my calls being forwarded?
ME: Only to voicemail if you don't answer the phone. You can change it to go to a different number if you want to, but that's not set on your account.
SW: What number are my calls being forwarded to?
ME: They aren't. Only to the voicemail.
SW: No, I don't want call forwarding. Turn it off. Because my husband might try to forward my calls.
ME: There are only two ways to set your call forwarding. From your phone, and with us. You can password-protect your phone so that no one could just start changing settings, and we can put a password on your account for when you call in. In fact, we recommend it.
SW: Just tell me if my calls are being forwarded.
ME: No, there are no forwarded calls on your account. The only forwarding is to your voicemail (I shouldn't have said that...)
SW: My calls are being forwarded? To what number?
ME
We actually went over this several times. She was afraid her ex husband was somehow forwarding her calls to him so he could spy on her (which is impossible. Well, not impossible, but it would take millions of dollars and I'm sure the FCC would notice the unlicensed cell tower in his back yard). I understand that people get into bad situations sometimes, or situations that take a bad turn, but don't be so paranoid and open your ears. Take a zoloft and listen when someone is speaking to you.
Finance for dummies
SM: I need to pay this final bill and be done with you people.
ME: Okay, I can take that payment for you. I see your account canceled on 04/10.
SM: Yeah, I canceled because you guys wanted to charge me shipping for a replacement phone.
ME: You......? You went to another provider to avoid the $10 shipping fee.
SM: That's right. I've been a loyal customer for years and I can't believe you guys even had the nerve to tell me I had to pay shipping.
ME: So...you are paying a termination fee of $XXX.XX to avoid the $10 shipping charge?
SM: Yes I am.
ME: You...you understand that all providers charge shipping fees for warranty exchanges. Some providers have you send the phone to the manufacturer, and you not only pay shipping but are without a phone for 2 weeks while it is being serviced.
SM: Let them try to charge me. I'll cancel them too. I won't be treated like this, and I won't stay with a company that doesn't give me the treatment I deserve.
ME: Okay, so about that payment...
With my book and video series, The Road to Financial Ruin, you, too, can be as careless as I am with money and not have a single care for the repercussions. And be sure to check your local area for my nationwide seminar, Hello, Mr. Bankruptcy.
We've identified the problem. Step 2 is eliminating it
SM: I got this bill and I know it can't be right because it's $300 and there's no way it could be that high because I know I couldn't have gone over since I never go over but the bill says its over and I just know that's not right so could you explain this to me and let me know what the problem is I really think you guys must have messed up somewhere cause there's just no way I went over I mean it just isn't possible because I never go over and the bill is wrong but can you look at it for me and explain how this happened?
Whoa! Just...whoa! Easy there, Turbo. Take a breath every now and then. Now get a tape recorder and repeat what you just said to me, but stop before the oxygen completely leaves your brain because I want you to be conscious long enough to play it back. Don't say a word and just listen. That is how you went over. But it's okay, there's an easy solution to this issue. Shut the hell up!
There's a forehead-shaped indentation at my desk
ME: And how can I help you today?
SW: Well, I'm want to... Okay, the thing is I'm trying to get my life organized. My husband and I have been together for 37 years and now we're taking a break. It's not over, but we just need some time for ourselves. So now I'm out on my own and I need to get a few things straightened out. Life is funny like that, you know? I mean, there's so much to do now and I know it's only temporary but I need to get my life organized. You know, there was this time...
I blacked out right about here. My supervisor found me an hour later huddled under my desk, rocking back and forth and sucking my thumb.
Thanks for calling
SM: This is bulls***! You know what? Forget it, I don't have time for you and your stupid policies.
ME: Well, we do want to try and see why your phone is-
SM: I'M AT WORK! ALRIGHT? I WILL CALL YOU BACK!
Okay, first off, you called me. Secondly, I'm at work too, and that doesn't give me an excuse to be an ass.
I believe the Australian term would be that you're "in a right fine pisser, mate"
SM: Yeah, I have this charge of $525 for roaming and I need that taken off my bill.
ME: Well, I see your service was used internationally.
SM: The thing is, I added the international roaming capability to my service from the website so I could have it in Australia. But I didn't know it would be $1.49 per minute.
ME: Right. But if you added the feature from the website you would have seen a link on the same page that says "Find international rates and coverage." Clicking that link, you would have been able to select from all 186 countries where we offer international roaming and could see the coverage maps from the provider offering the roaming, and their rate per minute.
SM: Well....I didn't check that. So I didn't know. But I've been a good customer.
ME: Of course. But should you not be charged for service you used?
SM: Yeah, but, I mean, $525 for 4 days of use?
ME Yes. For 4 days of use in Australia.
SM: I'm not paying that, so you'll just have to cancel my lines.
ME: That would add $600 in termination fees, and you'd still have to pay this bill. Now, I can't take the charges off. But since you're a longtime customer, I'd be happy to offer a courtesy credit of $75. I know it's nothing compared to the charges for roaming, but it's the most I can do.
SM: No, that's not good enough. I'll call you back when I find a company that will take care of me.
Alright, g'day to you then, loser.
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