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Episode III: Attack of the S***

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  • Episode III: Attack of the S***

    After a long and bitter struggle, the war is taking a turn for the worse as the soulless machines of the Customer Federation back up the CSR Republic's queues. Hold time seems to strengthen the wrath of the Federation's forces, and many CSRs are lost as they grow weaker from the unrelenting assault. For every Federation Customer destroyed, 10 more take its place.

    But all is not lost. The Republic has sent its greatest warrior, her years of experience from the epic struggle on planet Sales in the Retail system a valuable asset, to put a stop to the conflict in a final desperate counterattack. She knows that as bleak as the situation appears, if their defenses can hold for 10 hours the fighting will come to an end. Then a day will come where peace will reign, where the autonomous whining and screaming of the Federation will cease, if only for 1 day. That day is tomorrow, and the CSR Republic is determined to survive to witness it...

    ME: Darth Cellular
    SM: Yodork
    SW: Queen Waaamidala

    Not really sucky

    SM: I need the number for the Red Cross. 411 keeps giving me the wrong number.
    ME: I'm afraid you'll have to try them again or look online. I don't have a directory.
    SM: Yeah, but, okay, you know that big hurricane that hit Kansas?
    ME: Uh...yeah. I'm actually in Kansas.
    SM: Okay, so, my brother knows a guy who lives there and the phone lines are down so we're trying to find him and thought the Red Cross had a line there to contact people.
    ME: You know what? Here's the number I have on my blood donor card. I don't know if it's the right number, but I'm sure they can get you to someone who can help.

    This guy was in California. He has to live with the occasional tropical storm and earthquakes. I didn't hold it against him for not knowing what a tornado is. Fun fact: When my SO was little she lived in a small town in eastern Kansas. They did get hit by a hurricane that had come all the way up from the Gulf. It was little more than a severe storm by then, but the state kept calling it a hurricane just so we could say we got hit by one.

    Do I even have to dignify that with a response?

    SW: Can I see your phones at the website?
    ME: Yes, you can. Just got to (company).com.
    SW: Okay, I see (Competitor) phones, (Competitor) plans... Is that it?

    Yeah, that's it. We kind of figured we should carry our competition's phones and plans for you in case you decide to cancel. That way, since you obviously couldn't navigate your way out of a wet paper bag with a map, GPS, and a chainsaw, you don't have to stumble through countless pages of cottage cheese fetish sites to find a provider willing to tolerate you.

    Family Matters

    ME: Is there any particular reason you want to cancel that line?
    SM: Yes there is. Because my SON is... (away from the phone so all present with him can hear) AN ASSHOLE!

    I applaud your lack of maturity. Some people would try to fight their inbred impulses and not give in to grade-school level tactics and be someone they're not. But not you. Nay you, sir, are a man who is true to himself and isn't afraid to let the world know how much of a loud idiot he is. Bravo.

    Forward THIS

    SW: I don't want call forwarding.
    ME: You don't have your call forwarding set.
    SW: But I don't want it at all. Turn it off.
    ME: Unfortunately, I can't turn it off. Because when you don't answer your phone, the call gets forwarded to your voicemail. So if I turn it off, you'd lose call forwarding and vocemail.
    SW: Are my calls being forwarded?
    ME: Only to voicemail if you don't answer the phone. You can change it to go to a different number if you want to, but that's not set on your account.
    SW: What number are my calls being forwarded to?
    ME: They aren't. Only to the voicemail.
    SW: No, I don't want call forwarding. Turn it off. Because my husband might try to forward my calls.
    ME: There are only two ways to set your call forwarding. From your phone, and with us. You can password-protect your phone so that no one could just start changing settings, and we can put a password on your account for when you call in. In fact, we recommend it.
    SW: Just tell me if my calls are being forwarded.
    ME: No, there are no forwarded calls on your account. The only forwarding is to your voicemail (I shouldn't have said that...)
    SW: My calls are being forwarded? To what number?
    ME

    We actually went over this several times. She was afraid her ex husband was somehow forwarding her calls to him so he could spy on her (which is impossible. Well, not impossible, but it would take millions of dollars and I'm sure the FCC would notice the unlicensed cell tower in his back yard). I understand that people get into bad situations sometimes, or situations that take a bad turn, but don't be so paranoid and open your ears. Take a zoloft and listen when someone is speaking to you.

    Finance for dummies

    SM: I need to pay this final bill and be done with you people.
    ME: Okay, I can take that payment for you. I see your account canceled on 04/10.
    SM: Yeah, I canceled because you guys wanted to charge me shipping for a replacement phone.
    ME: You......? You went to another provider to avoid the $10 shipping fee.
    SM: That's right. I've been a loyal customer for years and I can't believe you guys even had the nerve to tell me I had to pay shipping.
    ME: So...you are paying a termination fee of $XXX.XX to avoid the $10 shipping charge?
    SM: Yes I am.
    ME: You...you understand that all providers charge shipping fees for warranty exchanges. Some providers have you send the phone to the manufacturer, and you not only pay shipping but are without a phone for 2 weeks while it is being serviced.
    SM: Let them try to charge me. I'll cancel them too. I won't be treated like this, and I won't stay with a company that doesn't give me the treatment I deserve.
    ME: Okay, so about that payment...

    With my book and video series, The Road to Financial Ruin, you, too, can be as careless as I am with money and not have a single care for the repercussions. And be sure to check your local area for my nationwide seminar, Hello, Mr. Bankruptcy.

    We've identified the problem. Step 2 is eliminating it

    SM: I got this bill and I know it can't be right because it's $300 and there's no way it could be that high because I know I couldn't have gone over since I never go over but the bill says its over and I just know that's not right so could you explain this to me and let me know what the problem is I really think you guys must have messed up somewhere cause there's just no way I went over I mean it just isn't possible because I never go over and the bill is wrong but can you look at it for me and explain how this happened?

    Whoa! Just...whoa! Easy there, Turbo. Take a breath every now and then. Now get a tape recorder and repeat what you just said to me, but stop before the oxygen completely leaves your brain because I want you to be conscious long enough to play it back. Don't say a word and just listen. That is how you went over. But it's okay, there's an easy solution to this issue. Shut the hell up!

    There's a forehead-shaped indentation at my desk

    ME: And how can I help you today?
    SW: Well, I'm want to... Okay, the thing is I'm trying to get my life organized. My husband and I have been together for 37 years and now we're taking a break. It's not over, but we just need some time for ourselves. So now I'm out on my own and I need to get a few things straightened out. Life is funny like that, you know? I mean, there's so much to do now and I know it's only temporary but I need to get my life organized. You know, there was this time...

    I blacked out right about here. My supervisor found me an hour later huddled under my desk, rocking back and forth and sucking my thumb.

    Thanks for calling

    SM: This is bulls***! You know what? Forget it, I don't have time for you and your stupid policies.
    ME: Well, we do want to try and see why your phone is-
    SM: I'M AT WORK! ALRIGHT? I WILL CALL YOU BACK!

    Okay, first off, you called me. Secondly, I'm at work too, and that doesn't give me an excuse to be an ass.

    I believe the Australian term would be that you're "in a right fine pisser, mate"

    SM: Yeah, I have this charge of $525 for roaming and I need that taken off my bill.
    ME: Well, I see your service was used internationally.
    SM: The thing is, I added the international roaming capability to my service from the website so I could have it in Australia. But I didn't know it would be $1.49 per minute.
    ME: Right. But if you added the feature from the website you would have seen a link on the same page that says "Find international rates and coverage." Clicking that link, you would have been able to select from all 186 countries where we offer international roaming and could see the coverage maps from the provider offering the roaming, and their rate per minute.
    SM: Well....I didn't check that. So I didn't know. But I've been a good customer.
    ME: Of course. But should you not be charged for service you used?
    SM: Yeah, but, I mean, $525 for 4 days of use?
    ME Yes. For 4 days of use in Australia.
    SM: I'm not paying that, so you'll just have to cancel my lines.
    ME: That would add $600 in termination fees, and you'd still have to pay this bill. Now, I can't take the charges off. But since you're a longtime customer, I'd be happy to offer a courtesy credit of $75. I know it's nothing compared to the charges for roaming, but it's the most I can do.
    SM: No, that's not good enough. I'll call you back when I find a company that will take care of me.

    Alright, g'day to you then, loser.
    Last edited by Kara; 05-13-2007, 04:49 PM.
    "You are loved" - Plaidman.

  • #2
    Quoth Kara_CS View Post
    SM: Let them try to charge me. I'll cancel them too. I won't be treated like this, and I won't stay with a company that doesn't give me the treatment I deserve.

    Hey! She's just a revolutionary! You know, starting the movement for no $10 shipping fees, one $200 cancellation fee at a time.

    Those cell companies will be brought to their knees with all the money they'll have to stuff in the bank.
    No good news is good bad news

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Kara_CS View Post
      SW: Well, I'm want to... Okay, the thing is I'm trying to get my life organized. My husband and I have been together for 37 years and now we're taking a break. It's not over, but we just need some time for ourselves. So now I'm out on my own and I need to get a few things straightened out. Life is funny like that, you know? I mean, there's so much to do now and I know it's only temporary but I need to get my life organized. You know, there was this time...
      No wonder her husband needed a break. I can't imagine 37 years of that.

      Did she actually have a cell phone issue?

      If you have to ask, it's probably better posted at www.fratching.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Boozy View Post
        Did she actually have a cell phone issue?
        Yes. But I'm not kidding when I say I can't remember what it was. I think she just wanted to make a payment, or maybe she just wanted to confirm how many minutes were in her plan. It was something insignificant, that's all I remember. Normally such menial tasks are reserved for our general customer care department, but since they were so backed up they unleashed general calls on my department (I'm a "loyalty specialist," which means I deal with people who want to cancel. Generally a very cranky bunch).
        "You are loved" - Plaidman.

        Comment


        • #5
          I feel sorry for that woman married 37 years. She was talking to you probably because she didn't know who else to talk to. Even if you didn't "listen" she probably feels better after venting.

          Comment


          • #6
            kansas hurricanes...

            he's a special kind of something, that one.

            as for the woman, that's not a temporary move, sweetie, prepare to fill your home with cats...lots of them.

            is it my imagination, or is our species getting more mentally (functionally?) challenged with each generation?
            look! it's ghengis khan!
            Sorry, but while I can do many things, extracting heads from anuses isn't one of them. (so sayeth the irv)

            Comment


            • #7
              Why do people think going to some one else will automaticky kower their bill...... i know my bill is pretty damn good seeing as ive had my line for 5 years.

              Comment


              • #8
                I love it when people call me from work and then bitch about hold times and me to hurry up. Before I became a Supervisor, somebody once called me on his lunch break, completely unprepared, but he INSISTED on putting in a mortgage application with me. Alot of the conversation went like this:

                Me:
                DA: Dumbass

                Me: And what is the contracted sales price?
                DA: The what?
                Me: What did you agree to buy the house for? What is the sales price?
                DA: Um, I dunno, can I call back with that information
                Me: Yes, we are open until...*states hours of operation*
                DA: Ok, what is the next question.....

                Yes folks, he did not know the amount of the loan he was requesting and asked if he could call back with that BUT he still wanted to continue the application...ugh....

                Me: Are you purchasing a single family home, duplex, condo, or something else?
                DA: Uh, it's a house.

                THANKS BUDDY!!! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!!!

                Me: What county is the property located in?
                DA: I don't know.

                GRRRR!!

                Then he complains about how long it is taking and he is on his lunch break, etc.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Sliceanddice View Post
                  Why do people think going to some one else will automaticky kower their bill...... i know my bill is pretty damn good seeing as ive had my line for 5 years.
                  Even better, they somehow think the several-hundred in cancellation fees and then starting up with a new company on top of the valid bill is somehow better than just paying what they owe...
                  I don't go in for ancient wisdom
                  I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
                  It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth chainedbarista View Post
                    kansas hurricanes...
                    While I know that guy probably meant tornado, it could be possible. While it still wouldn't be an actual hurricane by the time it got there, it could be the remnants of one. If a hurricane makes landfall in the right area on the Gulf Coast of Texas, we could get the remnants here in New Mexico. Not to mention the ones that sling stuff up here from when they hit the Baja on the Pacific side! In fact, it was the remains of Hurricane John that contributed to some of the flooding we had in the state last year. We get remnants on a regular basis.

                    So, while it's still not an organized hurricane, it is possible to be affected by one in Kansas.
                    It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Kara_CS View Post
                      This guy was in California. He has to live with the occasional tropical storm and earthquakes. I didn't hold it against him for not knowing what a tornado is. Fun fact: When my SO was little she lived in a small town in eastern Kansas. They did get hit by a hurricane that had come all the way up from the Gulf. It was little more than a severe storm by then, but the state kept calling it a hurricane just so we could say we got hit by one.
                      I went to an out-of-state school. I was amazed when I had Californians asking me how I could stand <shudder> tornados.

                      Hello? You live how close to that fault line? And you're worried about tornados?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I'm still surprised at the number of people in my own town who are amazed at the blizzards we get. I've lived hear half as long as some of these people and am quite used to it...
                        "IT stands away, interrupting himself from the incessant hammering of the kittens…"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          About the shipping fee guy, I know how you feel on that one.

                          I've had customers who would prefer to let their phone stay for 6 months on a $40/month contract because they don't want to pay the $200 ETF to cancel today.

                          $40 * 6 = $240, that would be MORE than the ETF.

                          But no they somehow think that keeping the phone and THEN cancelling is cheaper.

                          Also I'm no expert, but if you change providers, wouldn't the new provider do a credit check that would reflect the non-payment status with the old one?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth CrazedClerk View Post
                            Also I'm no expert, but if you change providers, wouldn't the new provider do a credit check that would reflect the non-payment status with the old one?
                            Correct. Which would result in paying them a deposit to activate your new service. But the process of coming to this conclusion requires logic, and customers are severely lacking in that department.
                            "You are loved" - Plaidman.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Kara_CS View Post
                              Correct. Which would result in paying them a deposit to activate your new service. But the process of coming to this conclusion requires logic, and customers are severely lacking in that department.

                              I get this a lot. Usually from people who had their service cancelled for non payment and want to start a new account months later. Be glad to chief, as soon as you pay that $300 you owe from 2006. "THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS, I'LL GO SIGN UP WITH THE DISH INSTEAD". Go ahead, I'm sure you'll be tremendously pleased with their requirement of paying by credit card.

                              Be glad you don't work in an industry that has rate adjustments every year. My cell phone bill only changes when I add or remove stuff. I get calls spanning January to March from people pushed to the brink of insanity because their cable bill went up anywhere from two to four dollars.

                              I had a guy call in pretty much to just bust balls for like 6 minutes. He never threatened to cancel or anything, he was just browbeating me for cable rates going up. I mean, I get it. It sucks that stuff can't stay the same price forever, but this guy's account dated back to the 80s. I even said when he mentioned how his bill has nearly doubled in the last 10 years that his $55 bill (yeah he only had standard cable, no extras) for channels 2-99 in 2007 is a better bargain than his $30 bill for like MAYBE channels 2-25 or 35 if he was lucky back in the 80s.


                              Two things made this call hilarious:

                              1. I am nearly unflappable on the phone. Years of face to face retail left me with a Titanium exoskeleton unpenatrable by mere phone based attacks.

                              2. My supervisor managed to randomly pick this call to listen in on for my biweekly review. She was close to losing it by the end because the idiot was getting flustered by the fact he couldn't rattle my cage. I looked at her when the call was over and she just said "you did good, that guy was just being a prick"
                              "You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride not to be human." - Hobbes

                              Comment

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