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DO NOT WANT
Whew....I managed to make it through my work week. But the end boss was hard. ><
I'm also sick as a dog right now, so I apologize if my writing sucks more then usual.
Browsing
Me: "and your name?"
SC: "Um…let me see…."
Do you need me to wait a moment while you try to remember? Or do you need me to wait a moment while you pick one out? Because I'm flexible. I am here to help YOU after all. Of course, I get the feeling many of your problems are far beyond what I'm qualified to handle…but never the less! I will endeavor to assist you in any way possible as long as my pants stay on and I can get you off the line in under 30 seconds.
Service with a Smile
SC: "I want to cancel the call! I recording the voice!"
Me: "….ok?….so you want me to cancel your call?"
SC: "no, no, yeah."
Me: "Do you want me to cancel the call?"
SC: "DO NOT WANT"
At that point I dived for my mute button and left him in confused silence for a moment while I composed myself......
Ewww
Me: "Ok, and is there a message for the doctor?"
SC: "Something really bad is happening and its really contagious!"
I will take a moment to point out that this is an office of urologists. …..<shudder>…..ew. Just…..ew.
Echo
Wait, wait, let me get this straight. You purchased a cell phone via the kiosk for $107. You didn't like the phone so now you want a refund. But because we can not bend space and time to instantly teleport to your location at 3am to hand you your money back you seriously think you should call the Better Business Bureau and the NEWS? You actually think either of them would give a smoldering rat's ass on the furnace vent? *I* don't care and they PAY me to care. What makes you think anyone else will?
Tell you what, Jim Bob Joe Bubba Jeb Mccoy, you call the news station and tell them. In fact, find another phone, hold it to your other ear and call them with it so I can listen in. I want to see if I can actually hear their laughter echo through the cavernous chamber that is the inside of your head and come out the other ear on my side.
Spoon!
Me: "and what would you like to order?"
SC:"PANTS"
Me: "……."
SC: "……."
..was that a request or a battle cry? How many more pants do you need up there? That other guy yesterday ordered like $700 worth. Now you want another $300 worth? What the hell are you using them for? Coffee filters? I know this may come as a shock but the rest of us down here came up with this thing called a "coffee maker" years and years ago. Its pretty awesome. You don't have to roast coffee beans over a fire pit in an old pair of underwear anymore. Although I'm sure you might miss that little bit of extra flavour that method offers.
Aarrrrrr
Me: "Sorry, that item is entirely out of stock."
SC: "Do you have it in large?"
Are you not listening or am I just using words too large for you to get a grip on? On the surface it seems like we're both speaking English, however I'm beginning to have my doubts. You're not listening to anything I say yet you keep monkeying the same dribble over and over. The only possible conclusion I can come to here is that you are, in fact, a parrot. Due to this fact I will not harm you, as parrots are inherently awesome but only when combined with a pirate, scoundrel or buccaneer of some sort. So I hope at the very least your owner buys bootleg DVDs or something. He should be quite familiar with the term bootleg.
Ah what the heck, the chance that he has a dvd player, tv or even running water, is tragically low. But I like you, my feathery companion, so I'll make it easy: Pirates like rum. I'm pretty sure your owner loves the hell out of it too. So I'll spare you on that technicality.
Godspeed, shithawk.
Math is Hard
( Cell phone customer of course )
Me: "How much money did you insert in total?"
SC: "Uh, like $3.05, then $45ish."
Me: "……"
SC: "So $49?"
<sigh>, no, no, this is my fault. I apologize. I should never have asked you to attempt even the most basic of mathematics. That was an error in judgment on my part and I apologize for the pain and suffering attempting a thought process must have put you through. Go back to your Happy Meal, its getting cold. Me and the other grown ups will sort this out for you, ok? Good boy.
Willpower
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "You mean the one I'm at?"
That's the basic theory, yes. Unless you have some sort of alternate hypothesis? I suppose I can try and will your number to appear on my screen. But all my experiments with using sheer will to affect the physical world have met with failure. For instance right now I'm trying to wish harm and general unpleasantness on you but I bet you don't even have a nosebleed. I'd settle for a nosebleed, really.
End Boss
This isn't funny, jusy ARGH. This is a cell phone customer of course.
Round 1:
I didn't get this guys first call, one of the morning ops did. I didn't start paying attention till I realized she had been on the same call for over 5 minutes and she was STILL explaining the same thing over and over to this guy. He's yelling at her and basically being a dick so finally she hangs up on him.
Round 2:
Thus...he comes to me. First he pretends like nothing happened and this is his first call. When I call him on it, he claims the other op was rude (That was all you buddy), mean and "treated me like I'm some sort of idiot" (Well, you were acting like one. =p ). So fine, whatever, I humour the guy and bring up his case file to see whats going on:
Numb nuts tried to pay his cellphone bill on the last day it was due and it didn't go through in time. This is because any bill payment after 6pm doesn't go through till the next business day when the banks re-open. He of course claims he paid before 6pm. But the transaction record of course says 6:12pm. Its 5am on a Saturday morning and he wants his money back RIGHT NOW so he can pay his bill through other means. I guess he can't afford the $50 or whatever so he has to get a refund to afford his bill.
I inform him the same thing the other op did: He paid after 6pm, he's going to have to wait. The client's office is closed today, only tech support is in, so there is simply no physically possible way to return his money to him RIGHT GOD DAMN NOW at 5am on a Saturday morning. Not good enough of course. He wants it RIGHT NOW on the backs of fairies or something.
I tell him he already has a case open with us from the last op. While he's a royal jackass we figured we'd let a tier 2 tech see if they could arrange something for him. Highly unlikely, but shitbeast would not fark the hell off so we told him we'd at least look into the matter. If only to shut him up. But there's another snag!
Dumbass doesn't have a landline. He only owns a cellphone. That cellphone is off. So there's no way we can contact him to update him. Thats what you get for waiting till 6 hours before your bill is due. So I tell him he basically has two options: He can callback later and ask for a status on it or he can just wait till his cell company turns it back on. Not good enough of course!
He's been yelling at me the entire time, naturally. I tell him his options over and over and he just keeps demanding I remotely cast Summon Refund at his location or something. He demands that we "Call the store" and tell them to give him his money back. I explain thats just not possible because we do not own the store, the store belongs to the cell company. Our kiosk is just in the store. That logic fails, obviously. Oh, and the store isn't even open anyway cus its 5am Insert 5 minutes of bitching, ranting, demanding, whining and basically acting like a spoiled child till I finally hang up on him.
Round 3:
He calls right back (Glee~). Once again he pretends like this is his first call until I point out he's speaking to the same person. So he goes ballistic again. He demands to know why I hung up. I tell him bluntly because he's being abusive and difficult. He doesn't like that ;p He demands my name and location so he can, I assume, try to "come down there and kick your ass". I'm not really in favour of this idea and refuse to provide my exact physical location for him. He can have the corporate address, but thats it =p
So he goes apeshit on me again. Demands to speak to a supervisor. I tell him that I am, in fact, the supervisor. He demands to speak to "someone else". I tell him I'm not transferring him to anyone else because no one else is going to give him a different answer. We have exhausted every option at our disposal for him ( Even though he doesn't deserve ) and he has no choice but to accept that. Because its physically impossible for us to do anything more. Its not like we have a bike courier or something on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week in every city in America just in case we need to bike out to some dumbass on a payphone and hand him $50 in 30 minutes or less.
Insert more apeshitting. Oh, he keeps changing his story the entire time too. First he paid the bill "Before 6", then it was "Right on 6" and then finally it was "A few minutes after 6 but that shouldn't matter". It of course does matter. He begins claiming he has "sick children at home that need a phone.". I actually bite back a laugh and don't mute myself. We go around and around till he finally calls me a "F**king FAGGOT!" and I hang up on him.
Round 4:
He gets the first op again ( Poor girl ). I listened to the call record later. He yelled, screamed, argued and acted like a total childish asshole at her for approximately 8 minutes and 34 seconds. While she explained over and over that its JUST NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE to invoke the reality he's demanding of us. =p
Finally he swears he'll keep calling back every 5 minutes or so until we get him his refund then slams the phone down on her.
Epilogue:
The tier 2 tech support took their lines over 4 minutes later, saving us any further dipshitting. But I'm sure he snarled, snapped and whined at them for the better part of the day. Remind me to check his case file when I get back to work and see if any of the techs etched in a death threat or something.
Farking wanker.
><
So, how was your guys week? ;p
I'm also sick as a dog right now, so I apologize if my writing sucks more then usual.
Browsing
Me: "and your name?"
SC: "Um…let me see…."
Do you need me to wait a moment while you try to remember? Or do you need me to wait a moment while you pick one out? Because I'm flexible. I am here to help YOU after all. Of course, I get the feeling many of your problems are far beyond what I'm qualified to handle…but never the less! I will endeavor to assist you in any way possible as long as my pants stay on and I can get you off the line in under 30 seconds.
Service with a Smile
SC: "I want to cancel the call! I recording the voice!"
Me: "….ok?….so you want me to cancel your call?"
SC: "no, no, yeah."
Me: "Do you want me to cancel the call?"
SC: "DO NOT WANT"
At that point I dived for my mute button and left him in confused silence for a moment while I composed myself......
Ewww
Me: "Ok, and is there a message for the doctor?"
SC: "Something really bad is happening and its really contagious!"
I will take a moment to point out that this is an office of urologists. …..<shudder>…..ew. Just…..ew.
Echo
Wait, wait, let me get this straight. You purchased a cell phone via the kiosk for $107. You didn't like the phone so now you want a refund. But because we can not bend space and time to instantly teleport to your location at 3am to hand you your money back you seriously think you should call the Better Business Bureau and the NEWS? You actually think either of them would give a smoldering rat's ass on the furnace vent? *I* don't care and they PAY me to care. What makes you think anyone else will?
Tell you what, Jim Bob Joe Bubba Jeb Mccoy, you call the news station and tell them. In fact, find another phone, hold it to your other ear and call them with it so I can listen in. I want to see if I can actually hear their laughter echo through the cavernous chamber that is the inside of your head and come out the other ear on my side.
Spoon!
Me: "and what would you like to order?"
SC:"PANTS"
Me: "……."
SC: "……."
..was that a request or a battle cry? How many more pants do you need up there? That other guy yesterday ordered like $700 worth. Now you want another $300 worth? What the hell are you using them for? Coffee filters? I know this may come as a shock but the rest of us down here came up with this thing called a "coffee maker" years and years ago. Its pretty awesome. You don't have to roast coffee beans over a fire pit in an old pair of underwear anymore. Although I'm sure you might miss that little bit of extra flavour that method offers.
Aarrrrrr
Me: "Sorry, that item is entirely out of stock."
SC: "Do you have it in large?"
Are you not listening or am I just using words too large for you to get a grip on? On the surface it seems like we're both speaking English, however I'm beginning to have my doubts. You're not listening to anything I say yet you keep monkeying the same dribble over and over. The only possible conclusion I can come to here is that you are, in fact, a parrot. Due to this fact I will not harm you, as parrots are inherently awesome but only when combined with a pirate, scoundrel or buccaneer of some sort. So I hope at the very least your owner buys bootleg DVDs or something. He should be quite familiar with the term bootleg.
Ah what the heck, the chance that he has a dvd player, tv or even running water, is tragically low. But I like you, my feathery companion, so I'll make it easy: Pirates like rum. I'm pretty sure your owner loves the hell out of it too. So I'll spare you on that technicality.
Godspeed, shithawk.
Math is Hard
( Cell phone customer of course )
Me: "How much money did you insert in total?"
SC: "Uh, like $3.05, then $45ish."
Me: "……"
SC: "So $49?"
<sigh>, no, no, this is my fault. I apologize. I should never have asked you to attempt even the most basic of mathematics. That was an error in judgment on my part and I apologize for the pain and suffering attempting a thought process must have put you through. Go back to your Happy Meal, its getting cold. Me and the other grown ups will sort this out for you, ok? Good boy.
Willpower
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "You mean the one I'm at?"
That's the basic theory, yes. Unless you have some sort of alternate hypothesis? I suppose I can try and will your number to appear on my screen. But all my experiments with using sheer will to affect the physical world have met with failure. For instance right now I'm trying to wish harm and general unpleasantness on you but I bet you don't even have a nosebleed. I'd settle for a nosebleed, really.
End Boss
This isn't funny, jusy ARGH. This is a cell phone customer of course.
Round 1:
I didn't get this guys first call, one of the morning ops did. I didn't start paying attention till I realized she had been on the same call for over 5 minutes and she was STILL explaining the same thing over and over to this guy. He's yelling at her and basically being a dick so finally she hangs up on him.
Round 2:
Thus...he comes to me. First he pretends like nothing happened and this is his first call. When I call him on it, he claims the other op was rude (That was all you buddy), mean and "treated me like I'm some sort of idiot" (Well, you were acting like one. =p ). So fine, whatever, I humour the guy and bring up his case file to see whats going on:
Numb nuts tried to pay his cellphone bill on the last day it was due and it didn't go through in time. This is because any bill payment after 6pm doesn't go through till the next business day when the banks re-open. He of course claims he paid before 6pm. But the transaction record of course says 6:12pm. Its 5am on a Saturday morning and he wants his money back RIGHT NOW so he can pay his bill through other means. I guess he can't afford the $50 or whatever so he has to get a refund to afford his bill.
I inform him the same thing the other op did: He paid after 6pm, he's going to have to wait. The client's office is closed today, only tech support is in, so there is simply no physically possible way to return his money to him RIGHT GOD DAMN NOW at 5am on a Saturday morning. Not good enough of course. He wants it RIGHT NOW on the backs of fairies or something.
I tell him he already has a case open with us from the last op. While he's a royal jackass we figured we'd let a tier 2 tech see if they could arrange something for him. Highly unlikely, but shitbeast would not fark the hell off so we told him we'd at least look into the matter. If only to shut him up. But there's another snag!
Dumbass doesn't have a landline. He only owns a cellphone. That cellphone is off. So there's no way we can contact him to update him. Thats what you get for waiting till 6 hours before your bill is due. So I tell him he basically has two options: He can callback later and ask for a status on it or he can just wait till his cell company turns it back on. Not good enough of course!
He's been yelling at me the entire time, naturally. I tell him his options over and over and he just keeps demanding I remotely cast Summon Refund at his location or something. He demands that we "Call the store" and tell them to give him his money back. I explain thats just not possible because we do not own the store, the store belongs to the cell company. Our kiosk is just in the store. That logic fails, obviously. Oh, and the store isn't even open anyway cus its 5am Insert 5 minutes of bitching, ranting, demanding, whining and basically acting like a spoiled child till I finally hang up on him.
Round 3:
He calls right back (Glee~). Once again he pretends like this is his first call until I point out he's speaking to the same person. So he goes ballistic again. He demands to know why I hung up. I tell him bluntly because he's being abusive and difficult. He doesn't like that ;p He demands my name and location so he can, I assume, try to "come down there and kick your ass". I'm not really in favour of this idea and refuse to provide my exact physical location for him. He can have the corporate address, but thats it =p
So he goes apeshit on me again. Demands to speak to a supervisor. I tell him that I am, in fact, the supervisor. He demands to speak to "someone else". I tell him I'm not transferring him to anyone else because no one else is going to give him a different answer. We have exhausted every option at our disposal for him ( Even though he doesn't deserve ) and he has no choice but to accept that. Because its physically impossible for us to do anything more. Its not like we have a bike courier or something on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week in every city in America just in case we need to bike out to some dumbass on a payphone and hand him $50 in 30 minutes or less.
Insert more apeshitting. Oh, he keeps changing his story the entire time too. First he paid the bill "Before 6", then it was "Right on 6" and then finally it was "A few minutes after 6 but that shouldn't matter". It of course does matter. He begins claiming he has "sick children at home that need a phone.". I actually bite back a laugh and don't mute myself. We go around and around till he finally calls me a "F**king FAGGOT!" and I hang up on him.
Round 4:
He gets the first op again ( Poor girl ). I listened to the call record later. He yelled, screamed, argued and acted like a total childish asshole at her for approximately 8 minutes and 34 seconds. While she explained over and over that its JUST NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE to invoke the reality he's demanding of us. =p
Finally he swears he'll keep calling back every 5 minutes or so until we get him his refund then slams the phone down on her.
Epilogue:
The tier 2 tech support took their lines over 4 minutes later, saving us any further dipshitting. But I'm sure he snarled, snapped and whined at them for the better part of the day. Remind me to check his case file when I get back to work and see if any of the techs etched in a death threat or something.
Farking wanker.
><
So, how was your guys week? ;p
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