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Ah, days off. After starting off yesterday by pissing off a customer who then wanted to speak to my supervisor, ending the day with yet another pissed off customer who also demanded to speak to my supervisor, and being accused of belonging to a group responsible for the slaughter of 6 million people, I'd say it's all in a day's work!
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Member of the SS Customer Service Squad
It begins
SM: I need to get this thing replaced. I have 2 bluetooth phones and a bluetooth for each of them, but I can't connect my phone to its earpiece.
ME: I'm definitely sorry to hear about that. Can you connect your handset to the other bluetooth headset?
SM: What? I went to the store and your technician couldn't connect it either. So you need to replace it.
ME: Do you have your other headset with you?
SM: My what?
ME: You said you have 2 of them.
SM: Yeah, but, look I don't have time for this. I need this done right now.
ME: Well, we need to troubleshoot a bit so we can find out if it's the headset or the phone that's not working. If it's the phone, we can replace it since it's still under warranty. If it's the headset, you'll need to contact the manufacturer for replacement.
SM: Why the hell do I need to do all that? Just replace the damn thing!
ME: I can only replace the phone, the headset is a third-party accessory and-
SM: This is ridiculous! I bought it from you! Why can't you just do it?
ME: Because our return center does not get accessories, just the phones. The manufacturers of the headsets do have warranties, but you'll need to contact them for service.
SM: Look, I work 12 hours a day! I don't have time for this!
ME: I work 10 hours a day, so I can understand that. Luckilly, most manufacturers have a 24 hour line for support.
SM: Give me your supervisor!
ME: Regarding what?
SM: Because I want this earpiece replaced and you're not doing anything for me.
I love how all these fools who are far to busy to go through the proper channels and get their problems resolved quickly always have all the time in the world to yell and scream at the wrong people.
Hulk Smash!
SW: I want these phones turned off! My kids were abusing the minutes and I want them to get their own phones.
ME: Well, we could switch the service into their lines into their own names for you, and they could keep the same numbers and phones.
SW: No, I smashed their phones.
I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with the deeper connotations of destroying your children's phones because you were upset with them. Still, at least it was the phones and not the kids.
Gravekeeper's Farkwit
(I've been waiting so long to use that, I'm almost 100% sure this is one of his)
ME: Could I have your mobile phone number please?
SW: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ME: I'm sorry, could I get your mobile number please?
SW: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ME: Um... May I ask what this number is?
SW: My phone number.
ME: I'm afraid that number isn't a valid one. Mobile numbers are 10 digits.
SW: It is.
ME: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?
SW: Yes.
ME: That's 16 digits. I'm afraid that's not a phone number, or an account number.
SW: Yes, it is my number.
ME: I'm afraid that number is not in our system.
SW: But that is my number.
ME: Do you have an account with us?
SW: *Click*
It's finally happened. The stars are aligned and I am getting my karmic twin's customers. Pretty soon I'm sure corporate will start running a promotion for free pink camo tube tops with all phone upgrades ><
I'll let der Fuhrer know you'll be in touch
SM: I want to cancel this line because I didn't get service in the UK.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. We actually do have a few roaming partners in the UK, and I see your phone should be compatible with their networks.
SM: Well it didn't work. And you guys said it would, which is why I got the service in the first place. So now I'm done, and I want it canceled.
ME: I do see you called us from the UK and it looks like they were able to get you connected to the network over there.
SM: Yeah, well, then I lost it again. So just cancel.
ME: I can cancel the line for you, but since it's already been active for 2 months, the termination fee would apply. Now, what we can do instead is try to find out why-
SM: I'm not paying a termination fee! You failed to provide me with service!
ME: We didn't fail to provide you with service. We don't offer service ourselves anywhere but in the US, though we do have agreements with foreign providers that allow our customers to use their service for a fee. But we do not own or operate those networks.
SM: This is total bullshit! You're taking no accountability for failing to provide me with service you said would be there.
ME: Again, I don't know what might have caused your phone to be unable to access the network in the UK, but as long as you were in a coverage area, it should have been able to get signal. But I can only be accountable for the service that I provide.
SM: Yeah? Well how about this. How about if you don't take that termination fee off, I'll send out letters to everyone in my community that you are the worst company there is. How would you like that?
ME: I wouldn't like that, but I couldn't stop you from doing it.
SM: You know what? You guys are a bunch of f*cking nazis! What is your name and rep ID?
ME: Kara, XX-XXXXX
SM: Yeah, well, you know what, Kara? I'm writing a letter to your CEO and I'm going to tell him you're a nazi and your company sucks. *click*
Yeah, be sure to send that priority mail. The sooner we get that letter, the sooner we can dispatch a death squad to your location. Though I am part German and I speak the language (somewhat. I took it in high school but it's been 10 years now), I'm not a nazi at all. I'm too cute. I am, however, part of a more terrifying organization. Cobraaaaa!
You've got to draw a line somewhere
SW: I want to cancel unless you give me more free minutes! Our phone is down at work and our boss is on a cruise, so I've been having to use my cell phone to call customers and tell them to pick up they laundry.
ME: I can definitely understand how that would cause you to be using more minutes. But I see here that you've already been given 450 courtesy minutes this month, and I have no more minutes available that I can get for your account.
SW: But I need it for work! So you're just going to let me go over and charge me?
ME: We can look at going to a higher plan for the month.
SW: No! I ain't paying no more than my regular bill!
ME: Then I'm sure that since you had to resort to using your cell phone for the sake of the business, your boss will be happy to reimburse you for any charges you incur for that.
SW: No he won't do nothing like that!
Then, once again, you are yelling at the wrong person. You did a noble thing, using your phone to keep the customers (and money) coming in, but "generous" doesn't even begin to describe what we've done for you. and I just have nothing further I can add without going to a higher plan. You should make your boss get on his knees and kiss your butt.
I'm guessing reading in general is probably a struggle for you
SM: So you're saying that just because I didn't read my bill, and I didn't see when my bill cycle ended and went over, that you aren't going to help me?
ME: Again, your bill cycle has remained unchanged since you activated 2 years ago and the start and end dates of your cycle are printed on every bill. I do apologize if you missed that, but we do send your bill so you have an understanding of what you were charged for and what period of time the charges were incurred.
SM: Let me ask you something, do you read all your bills?
ME: I understand that if I don't bother to read a bill I may miss a change to a policy or increase in charges.
SM: Okay, so you can understand where I'm coming from. So, like, if you don't read your car insurance bill-
ME: But, if I don't read my insurance bill and they change my premiums or coverage, if I call back and try to dispute that they can't do anything for me.
ME: But, that's like, not the same thing.
No, it's exactly the same thing. I destroyed you with your own example. Checkmate! Flawless Victory! A winner is me! Cobraaaaa!
And lastly....
SM: I'm a good customer! I pay my bill every month. And 1 month I don't pay, you guys shut me off?
ME: While I can see that your payment history is excellent, any account may be suspended if the bill is unpaid for an extended period of time.
SM: Well, this phone doesn't even work right. All I get is static!
ME: I can certainly get that taken care of for you. Now, it looks like you're on the phone right now. I'd need to have you on a different line so we can troubleshoot the issue.
SM: I'm not doing that. Just replace it in good faith.
ME: I'm afraid I cannot get an exchange without troubleshooting.
SM: Let me talk to your supervisor.
ME: Sigh, just a moment.
SUP: What's going on?
ME: This ass-goblin wants to talk to you because he's a good customer and wants his phone replaced without troubleshooting.
SUP: So what does he want me to do?
ME: I already told him we need to troubleshoot.
SUP: Okay, I'll call your desk in a minute.
ME: Sir? My Supervisor is finishing up on a call right now but he'll be right with you.
SM: Let me get your name!
ME: Kara, Rep ID XX-XXXX.
SM: Yeah, I'm going to be writing a letter with your name on it. I'm so tired of this shit! I can't believe that you would-
ME (to SUP): Hold on, don't call me yet. He's not done bitching at me.
SUP: Say when.
SM: Blah blah all these years! And my phone isn't working and you want me to jump through these hoops for you!
ME: Uh-huh. Well, looks like my supervisor is going to be joining us momentarily, so if you don't mind holding one more time.
SM: Fine, whatever.
ME: WHEN!
Maybe I should just ignore policy and protocol and just give everyone what they want, no matter how impossible. Then at least they'd stop whining so much.
...
Nah, it's more fun being evil. Cobraaaaa!
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Member of the SS Customer Service Squad
It begins
SM: I need to get this thing replaced. I have 2 bluetooth phones and a bluetooth for each of them, but I can't connect my phone to its earpiece.
ME: I'm definitely sorry to hear about that. Can you connect your handset to the other bluetooth headset?
SM: What? I went to the store and your technician couldn't connect it either. So you need to replace it.
ME: Do you have your other headset with you?
SM: My what?
ME: You said you have 2 of them.
SM: Yeah, but, look I don't have time for this. I need this done right now.
ME: Well, we need to troubleshoot a bit so we can find out if it's the headset or the phone that's not working. If it's the phone, we can replace it since it's still under warranty. If it's the headset, you'll need to contact the manufacturer for replacement.
SM: Why the hell do I need to do all that? Just replace the damn thing!
ME: I can only replace the phone, the headset is a third-party accessory and-
SM: This is ridiculous! I bought it from you! Why can't you just do it?
ME: Because our return center does not get accessories, just the phones. The manufacturers of the headsets do have warranties, but you'll need to contact them for service.
SM: Look, I work 12 hours a day! I don't have time for this!
ME: I work 10 hours a day, so I can understand that. Luckilly, most manufacturers have a 24 hour line for support.
SM: Give me your supervisor!
ME: Regarding what?
SM: Because I want this earpiece replaced and you're not doing anything for me.
I love how all these fools who are far to busy to go through the proper channels and get their problems resolved quickly always have all the time in the world to yell and scream at the wrong people.
Hulk Smash!
SW: I want these phones turned off! My kids were abusing the minutes and I want them to get their own phones.
ME: Well, we could switch the service into their lines into their own names for you, and they could keep the same numbers and phones.
SW: No, I smashed their phones.
I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with the deeper connotations of destroying your children's phones because you were upset with them. Still, at least it was the phones and not the kids.
Gravekeeper's Farkwit
(I've been waiting so long to use that, I'm almost 100% sure this is one of his)
ME: Could I have your mobile phone number please?
SW: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ME: I'm sorry, could I get your mobile number please?
SW: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ME: Um... May I ask what this number is?
SW: My phone number.
ME: I'm afraid that number isn't a valid one. Mobile numbers are 10 digits.
SW: It is.
ME: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX?
SW: Yes.
ME: That's 16 digits. I'm afraid that's not a phone number, or an account number.
SW: Yes, it is my number.
ME: I'm afraid that number is not in our system.
SW: But that is my number.
ME: Do you have an account with us?
SW: *Click*
It's finally happened. The stars are aligned and I am getting my karmic twin's customers. Pretty soon I'm sure corporate will start running a promotion for free pink camo tube tops with all phone upgrades ><
I'll let der Fuhrer know you'll be in touch
SM: I want to cancel this line because I didn't get service in the UK.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. We actually do have a few roaming partners in the UK, and I see your phone should be compatible with their networks.
SM: Well it didn't work. And you guys said it would, which is why I got the service in the first place. So now I'm done, and I want it canceled.
ME: I do see you called us from the UK and it looks like they were able to get you connected to the network over there.
SM: Yeah, well, then I lost it again. So just cancel.
ME: I can cancel the line for you, but since it's already been active for 2 months, the termination fee would apply. Now, what we can do instead is try to find out why-
SM: I'm not paying a termination fee! You failed to provide me with service!
ME: We didn't fail to provide you with service. We don't offer service ourselves anywhere but in the US, though we do have agreements with foreign providers that allow our customers to use their service for a fee. But we do not own or operate those networks.
SM: This is total bullshit! You're taking no accountability for failing to provide me with service you said would be there.
ME: Again, I don't know what might have caused your phone to be unable to access the network in the UK, but as long as you were in a coverage area, it should have been able to get signal. But I can only be accountable for the service that I provide.
SM: Yeah? Well how about this. How about if you don't take that termination fee off, I'll send out letters to everyone in my community that you are the worst company there is. How would you like that?
ME: I wouldn't like that, but I couldn't stop you from doing it.
SM: You know what? You guys are a bunch of f*cking nazis! What is your name and rep ID?
ME: Kara, XX-XXXXX
SM: Yeah, well, you know what, Kara? I'm writing a letter to your CEO and I'm going to tell him you're a nazi and your company sucks. *click*
Yeah, be sure to send that priority mail. The sooner we get that letter, the sooner we can dispatch a death squad to your location. Though I am part German and I speak the language (somewhat. I took it in high school but it's been 10 years now), I'm not a nazi at all. I'm too cute. I am, however, part of a more terrifying organization. Cobraaaaa!
You've got to draw a line somewhere
SW: I want to cancel unless you give me more free minutes! Our phone is down at work and our boss is on a cruise, so I've been having to use my cell phone to call customers and tell them to pick up they laundry.
ME: I can definitely understand how that would cause you to be using more minutes. But I see here that you've already been given 450 courtesy minutes this month, and I have no more minutes available that I can get for your account.
SW: But I need it for work! So you're just going to let me go over and charge me?
ME: We can look at going to a higher plan for the month.
SW: No! I ain't paying no more than my regular bill!
ME: Then I'm sure that since you had to resort to using your cell phone for the sake of the business, your boss will be happy to reimburse you for any charges you incur for that.
SW: No he won't do nothing like that!
Then, once again, you are yelling at the wrong person. You did a noble thing, using your phone to keep the customers (and money) coming in, but "generous" doesn't even begin to describe what we've done for you. and I just have nothing further I can add without going to a higher plan. You should make your boss get on his knees and kiss your butt.
I'm guessing reading in general is probably a struggle for you
SM: So you're saying that just because I didn't read my bill, and I didn't see when my bill cycle ended and went over, that you aren't going to help me?
ME: Again, your bill cycle has remained unchanged since you activated 2 years ago and the start and end dates of your cycle are printed on every bill. I do apologize if you missed that, but we do send your bill so you have an understanding of what you were charged for and what period of time the charges were incurred.
SM: Let me ask you something, do you read all your bills?
ME: I understand that if I don't bother to read a bill I may miss a change to a policy or increase in charges.
SM: Okay, so you can understand where I'm coming from. So, like, if you don't read your car insurance bill-
ME: But, if I don't read my insurance bill and they change my premiums or coverage, if I call back and try to dispute that they can't do anything for me.
ME: But, that's like, not the same thing.
No, it's exactly the same thing. I destroyed you with your own example. Checkmate! Flawless Victory! A winner is me! Cobraaaaa!
And lastly....
SM: I'm a good customer! I pay my bill every month. And 1 month I don't pay, you guys shut me off?
ME: While I can see that your payment history is excellent, any account may be suspended if the bill is unpaid for an extended period of time.
SM: Well, this phone doesn't even work right. All I get is static!
ME: I can certainly get that taken care of for you. Now, it looks like you're on the phone right now. I'd need to have you on a different line so we can troubleshoot the issue.
SM: I'm not doing that. Just replace it in good faith.
ME: I'm afraid I cannot get an exchange without troubleshooting.
SM: Let me talk to your supervisor.
ME: Sigh, just a moment.
SUP: What's going on?
ME: This ass-goblin wants to talk to you because he's a good customer and wants his phone replaced without troubleshooting.
SUP: So what does he want me to do?
ME: I already told him we need to troubleshoot.
SUP: Okay, I'll call your desk in a minute.
ME: Sir? My Supervisor is finishing up on a call right now but he'll be right with you.
SM: Let me get your name!
ME: Kara, Rep ID XX-XXXX.
SM: Yeah, I'm going to be writing a letter with your name on it. I'm so tired of this shit! I can't believe that you would-
ME (to SUP): Hold on, don't call me yet. He's not done bitching at me.
SUP: Say when.
SM: Blah blah all these years! And my phone isn't working and you want me to jump through these hoops for you!
ME: Uh-huh. Well, looks like my supervisor is going to be joining us momentarily, so if you don't mind holding one more time.
SM: Fine, whatever.
ME: WHEN!
Maybe I should just ignore policy and protocol and just give everyone what they want, no matter how impossible. Then at least they'd stop whining so much....
Nah, it's more fun being evil. Cobraaaaa!
I'm sorry you have assholes to deal with, but I sure do love reading about them...and your commentary 
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