Signs You Will Never See Posted In A Business

[Thud-n-Blunder]

Signs of the times...

There was a store I would frequent that had a sign that I liked:

ATTENTION

There are no magnetic tags or other electronic security measures on our merchandise. We also do not carry out any in-store video or audio surveillance on these premises.

We have absolutely nothing against shoplifters.

However, the gentleman across the street with the high-powered sniper rifle has some definite views on the matter...

[Lace Neil Singer]

ATTENTION CUSTOMERS!!!

These are the rules by which you will abide by when you enter the supermarket.

1. You get what you give out.
Therefore, if what you give out is rudeness, surlyness and abuse, that's what you'll get in return.

2. You keep your kids with you at all times.
Any unattended children we find will be sold into slavery.

3. Heelies are banned, as are cellphones.
Anyone using one of the banned items will have said item removed from them and hit with a sledgehammer right in front of them to push the message home.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

.. and the removed "heelies" may be used for demonstration purposes in our chipper-shredder department.

Aww, you're no fun. I'd feed them into the still attached to the wearer.

But then again there are some things wrong with me.

[GingerBiscuit]

I'd love to see this one at work.

ATTENTION!
READING THE SIGNS POSTED CLEARLY IN STORE (INCLUDING THIS ONE) CLEARLY, CAREFULLY AND FULLY WILL PREVENT STRESS TO YOU, THE STAFF AND OTHER CUSTOMERS.

IF YOU MAKE A STUPID MISTAKE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SOLVED BY READING THE SINGS CORRECTLY, WE WILL LAUGH AT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.

DELIVERY DAYS ARE WEDNESDAYS, AND THURSDAYS FOR CHILLED AND FROZEN. IF WE ARE OUT OF STOCK, THATS YOUR NEXT CHANCE TO GET IT. WE CANNOT MAKE SPECIAL ORDERS FOR ANYONE, ESPECIALLY NOT YOU.

SALE ITEMS RUN OUT BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE BUY THEM.


THANKYOU

[HawaiianShirts]

To Our Valued Customers

We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone for any reason.

You reserve the right to deal with it.

You reserve the right to act like an idiot, jerk, moron, or any other unpleasant character trait.

We reserve the right to laugh at you when you leave.
(And that's not an empty threat. We WILL laugh at you.)

I had a conversation with a customer yesterday about unpleasant customers. This person worked retail for several years (so he said), so he knew all about it. We agreed that everyone should be told: if you go into a store and do something stupid or throw a tantrum, you can be assured that the employees are talking about you, laughing at you, and possibly posting stories about you on the internet when you leave. I wonder if people would act differently if they knew this...

[No Dialtone]

WARNING!
Prices have been known to increase upon customer rudeness or abuse.

I used to pull that all the time with exceptionally rude or abusive customers. Any time someone tried to haggle with me, the prices kept going up to the point where they'd get pissed off and walk out.

[drunkenwildmage]

One I saw a few years ago, in "Car and Driver" of all things..


Complaint Department.

The new head of our Complaint Department is Mrs. Helen Waite. If you start complaining to our Employees or management, then they are instructed to send you to Helen Waite.

[Neo_Classic]

To Our Valued Customers

We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone for any reason.

I don't like this at all. I can just see some racist, bigot, homophobic, misogynistic, etc... turning away a customer for an unfair reason. No you shouldn't be able to turn away or refuse a customer "just because". There has to be an actual reason that doesn't involve discrimination like being a total asshole. Then I say go right ahead and kick them out. Also, don't forget to laugh about them behind their back.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Peligro!

We are unable to hold unpaid merchandise. Please do your comparison shopping someplace else