Tweet
( Well, ok maybe I don't. But I pretend otherwise because they pay me. )
Gah, "Mondays".
Coffee Break
So, I found out much to my horror Tuesday night, that 10:34pm is "Hooker Snack Time" at the 7/11 near my place. I don't know if they have scheduled shifts or a timeclock or what, but there they all were. What does Hooker Snack Time consist of you ask? Condoms, Twinkies and Snapple apparently. The whole experience was made all the worse by the one behind me in line who was really impatient. She kept urging the cashier faster "Come on sweetie, hurry up. Faster, baby, faster.".
There are nights in this city where I *really* wish I had to make this stuff up. Still, the deer in the headlights look on the clerk's face was worth the entire trip.
Its Quite Simple, Really
SC: "Yeah, I'm tryin' ta get money out of one of ya'lls ATMs-"
Ok, let me just stop you right there. While I may not yet know your problem I can accurately ascertain the cause of your dilemma. I am afterall a highly trained professional and possess a vast array of knowledge regarding all possible scenarios. That being said, the fact that that's not an ATM is likely the root of the problem you're having.
Hell, it doesn't even have a card slot so I'm really wondering where you put your bank card.
How to Get Too
Me: "Alright, your confirmation nu-"
SC: "Ya'll gonna give me numbers or letters?"
Me: "Numbers and letters."
SC: "Oooh… =("
Yes, you'd best brace yourself. It's going to get pretty hairy from here on in. I know dealing with either of those alone is already a daily uphill battle for you. Trying to take them both on at once must be the stuff of your blackest nightmares. But don't worry. I know its scary at first but it'll get easier in time. Why, I still remember the first time I had to face them both head on myself. There I was just sitting in the living room, eating my fruit roll ups, watching TV, having a grand old time when suddenly Cookie Monster was all like "C is for cookie!" then the Count came on screen at the same time and I was like "WTF HE'S COUNTING THE C IS FOR COOKIES". My horror was brought to me by the letter C and the number 8.
But I managed to endure until the commercial break ( Count Chocula! ) and afterwards had my mental wounds soothed by the gentle cheer of Grover. So if you're really panicking, just remember Grover's happy smile, put one hand on each side of your arse, and rub your buttcheeks together 3 times and say his name outloud till you calm down. I doubt it'll actually help but at least it'll entertain airport security and land you on the no fly list. So at least, technically, you'll never face this particular problem again.
PS. If airport security asks you to put your hands on either cheek they actually want you to push em in the opposite direction. Think happy thoughts.
You're Doing it Wrong
SC: "Yeah, can I talk to sum un' about buyin' some nails?"
Me: "…...nails?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "I'm sorry, that’s not really something we offer."
SC: "Ya'll don't make nails?"
Me: "No, we manufacture and install roofing tiles."
SC: "Ohhhh…….ya'll know who sells nails?"
……uh…..Home Depot? Home Hardware? Lowe's? Walmart? Costco? Hell, 7/11? Did you even try leaving the house before you called me? I don't know a lot about construction but I'm pretty sure nails aren't exactly a specialty item. In fact I'm pretty sure they sell them round about anywhere. ( Except Mcdonalds. Please don’t ask Mcdonalds…….you already did, didn't you? ). Oh, and get this, this is crazy SHIT, you'll love this, they come in different sizes too! Holy Caramel Ghandi, Batman!
Oh, by the way, if you call me tomorrow asking me to sell you a hammer I'm going to personally fly down there and sandpaper your head. Yes, I'll probably get stuck in Vegas after US Airways misses the connection dumps me off a flight….and I'll have to spent a night in the hobo roach infested <horrific hotel we have to do bookings for>, but once I do manage to get you, you're in for a mouthful of P40 grit.
Heh heh heh, isn't that cute, but its WRONG!$@~
( Brownie points if you get the reference. Obscure. ^^ )
Me: "Good evening, <company>."
SC: "This <Kara's company>?"
Me: "No, this is <company>."
SC: "<client>?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "This ain't 1-800-<Kara's company>?"
Me: "No, this is <company>. <full name of company>."
SC: "Oh, I think I have the wrong number."
I think that "I think" is a dangerously fallacious statement for you to make. Perhaps "I guess" or "I barely comprehend" or "I am really an escaped circus monkey that has located a cell phone and managed to keep his fingers out of his own asshole long enough to randomly punch the keypad till voices came out.".
Please Don't Say that Ever Again
SC: "It's hard to type with one hand…"
....I'm not sure if its possible to get an image out of your head using only a stapler. But I'm going to try. If I stop talking its not because I don't care. Its just because the paramedics have arrived.
Installation Procedures
"If I hit "I Agree" on this ya'lls ell take my first born!$"
Nah…..actually it’s a subscription fee so technically we'll only take a little piece of him every 30 days. So don't worry, he'll live. Might want to avoid trying to have This Little Piggy stay home though.
Installation Procedures....again
Me: "Ok, I need you to go to <url> and log onto your account. We should be able to do a web install."
SC: "<typing> ITS NOT WORKING!$"
Me: "<url>?"
SC: "YES!$$ ITS NOT WORKING IT GOES TO SOME GENERIC PAGE~!$"
Me: "..generic page? <I spell out the URL>"
SC: "IT JUST GOES TO SOME GENERIC SEARCH PAGE"
( Meaning you've typo'd it. )
Me: "Hmm...<I spell the URL out again...slowly>
SC: "OH MY GOD ITS NOT WORKING! I CAN'T DO THIS! I CAN'T I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO THIS AND NO ONE IS HELPING ME!$~^%~!#^"
Jesus CHRIST, woman. Its not the end of the god damn world, its an address bar! What the Hell? o.O I need to get the heck off the phone with you before you slit your wrists trying to log into Hotmail.
( Side Note: The url is 3 words. She was leaving out 2. )
( Side Note #2: This incessant, childish, SOBBING whine fest went on for 15 minutes for a problem we could have solved in 60 seconds if she had fscking listened to me. )
( Side Note #3: Yes, she did begin crying. Over a software installation. )
Arrgghh....
Gah, "Mondays".
Coffee Break
So, I found out much to my horror Tuesday night, that 10:34pm is "Hooker Snack Time" at the 7/11 near my place. I don't know if they have scheduled shifts or a timeclock or what, but there they all were. What does Hooker Snack Time consist of you ask? Condoms, Twinkies and Snapple apparently. The whole experience was made all the worse by the one behind me in line who was really impatient. She kept urging the cashier faster "Come on sweetie, hurry up. Faster, baby, faster.".
There are nights in this city where I *really* wish I had to make this stuff up. Still, the deer in the headlights look on the clerk's face was worth the entire trip.
Its Quite Simple, Really
SC: "Yeah, I'm tryin' ta get money out of one of ya'lls ATMs-"
Ok, let me just stop you right there. While I may not yet know your problem I can accurately ascertain the cause of your dilemma. I am afterall a highly trained professional and possess a vast array of knowledge regarding all possible scenarios. That being said, the fact that that's not an ATM is likely the root of the problem you're having.
Hell, it doesn't even have a card slot so I'm really wondering where you put your bank card.
How to Get Too
Me: "Alright, your confirmation nu-"
SC: "Ya'll gonna give me numbers or letters?"
Me: "Numbers and letters."
SC: "Oooh… =("
Yes, you'd best brace yourself. It's going to get pretty hairy from here on in. I know dealing with either of those alone is already a daily uphill battle for you. Trying to take them both on at once must be the stuff of your blackest nightmares. But don't worry. I know its scary at first but it'll get easier in time. Why, I still remember the first time I had to face them both head on myself. There I was just sitting in the living room, eating my fruit roll ups, watching TV, having a grand old time when suddenly Cookie Monster was all like "C is for cookie!" then the Count came on screen at the same time and I was like "WTF HE'S COUNTING THE C IS FOR COOKIES". My horror was brought to me by the letter C and the number 8.
But I managed to endure until the commercial break ( Count Chocula! ) and afterwards had my mental wounds soothed by the gentle cheer of Grover. So if you're really panicking, just remember Grover's happy smile, put one hand on each side of your arse, and rub your buttcheeks together 3 times and say his name outloud till you calm down. I doubt it'll actually help but at least it'll entertain airport security and land you on the no fly list. So at least, technically, you'll never face this particular problem again.
PS. If airport security asks you to put your hands on either cheek they actually want you to push em in the opposite direction. Think happy thoughts.
You're Doing it Wrong
SC: "Yeah, can I talk to sum un' about buyin' some nails?"
Me: "…...nails?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "I'm sorry, that’s not really something we offer."
SC: "Ya'll don't make nails?"
Me: "No, we manufacture and install roofing tiles."
SC: "Ohhhh…….ya'll know who sells nails?"
……uh…..Home Depot? Home Hardware? Lowe's? Walmart? Costco? Hell, 7/11? Did you even try leaving the house before you called me? I don't know a lot about construction but I'm pretty sure nails aren't exactly a specialty item. In fact I'm pretty sure they sell them round about anywhere. ( Except Mcdonalds. Please don’t ask Mcdonalds…….you already did, didn't you? ). Oh, and get this, this is crazy SHIT, you'll love this, they come in different sizes too! Holy Caramel Ghandi, Batman!
Oh, by the way, if you call me tomorrow asking me to sell you a hammer I'm going to personally fly down there and sandpaper your head. Yes, I'll probably get stuck in Vegas after US Airways misses the connection dumps me off a flight….and I'll have to spent a night in the hobo roach infested <horrific hotel we have to do bookings for>, but once I do manage to get you, you're in for a mouthful of P40 grit.
Heh heh heh, isn't that cute, but its WRONG!$@~
( Brownie points if you get the reference. Obscure. ^^ )
Me: "Good evening, <company>."
SC: "This <Kara's company>?"
Me: "No, this is <company>."
SC: "<client>?"
Me: "Yes."
SC: "This ain't 1-800-<Kara's company>?"
Me: "No, this is <company>. <full name of company>."
SC: "Oh, I think I have the wrong number."
I think that "I think" is a dangerously fallacious statement for you to make. Perhaps "I guess" or "I barely comprehend" or "I am really an escaped circus monkey that has located a cell phone and managed to keep his fingers out of his own asshole long enough to randomly punch the keypad till voices came out.".
Please Don't Say that Ever Again
SC: "It's hard to type with one hand…"
....I'm not sure if its possible to get an image out of your head using only a stapler. But I'm going to try. If I stop talking its not because I don't care. Its just because the paramedics have arrived.
Installation Procedures
"If I hit "I Agree" on this ya'lls ell take my first born!$"
Nah…..actually it’s a subscription fee so technically we'll only take a little piece of him every 30 days. So don't worry, he'll live. Might want to avoid trying to have This Little Piggy stay home though.
Installation Procedures....again
Me: "Ok, I need you to go to <url> and log onto your account. We should be able to do a web install."
SC: "<typing> ITS NOT WORKING!$"
Me: "<url>?"
SC: "YES!$$ ITS NOT WORKING IT GOES TO SOME GENERIC PAGE~!$"
Me: "..generic page? <I spell out the URL>"
SC: "IT JUST GOES TO SOME GENERIC SEARCH PAGE"
( Meaning you've typo'd it. )
Me: "Hmm...<I spell the URL out again...slowly>
SC: "OH MY GOD ITS NOT WORKING! I CAN'T DO THIS! I CAN'T I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO THIS AND NO ONE IS HELPING ME!$~^%~!#^"
Jesus CHRIST, woman. Its not the end of the god damn world, its an address bar! What the Hell? o.O I need to get the heck off the phone with you before you slit your wrists trying to log into Hotmail.
( Side Note: The url is 3 words. She was leaving out 2. )
( Side Note #2: This incessant, childish, SOBBING whine fest went on for 15 minutes for a problem we could have solved in 60 seconds if she had fscking listened to me. )
( Side Note #3: Yes, she did begin crying. Over a software installation. )
Arrgghh....
omg... i have this image of you bright red, trying not to laugh, trying to look anywhere but the ladys.... omg.... so funny.... 
Comment