I'm frightened. Hold me.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

This call happened last week. Unfortunately, it's still in my head. I debated posting it as it is just so offensive, but finally decided to let you guys have it in its complete (as far as I can reconstruct) and unabridged version. I usually #%$^ out curse words, but this call was just so over the top I want to spell it out so you can get the full brunt of it.

Most cursing we hear is directed towards us. It's unusual when it's not. In fact, these people were as sweet as pie to me, they just had it in for each other. Calls like these conflict me because I don't know if I should hang up or not. I mean, they're not directing it toward me, but still, you know? There is no excuse for such uncivilized behavior. It's people like these that make me think we should issue licenses to have kids.


WARNING: LOTS of filthy mouthed cursing, use of the N word, and not all of it human.




You have been warned.







Me: *opening call schpeel*
*in background: SQUAWK! SQUAWK! GET OVER HERE NIGGA! SQUAWK!*
Guy: My number is 123-456-7890.
Me: Thank you. And what is your name?
*SQUAWK! WARREN! WARREN! GET IN HERE WARREN! RIGHT NOW! SQUAWK!*
Guy: blargle blargle blargle
Me: I'm sorry, could you go somewhere with less background noise sir? I cannot hear a thing.
Guy: Hol' on--blargle blargle blargle. WILL YOU SHUT UP YOU STUPID FUCKING BIRD!
*SQUAWK! SQUAWK! (earsplitting wolf whistle) SQUAWK!*
SHUT UP! TANISHA, SHUT THAT DAMN BIRD UP BEFORE I RIP ITS FUCKING HEAD OFF! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! (bird continues to squawk)
*door slams, squawking becomes distant*
I wanna put some minutes on my phone.
Me: all right, I just need to verify your identity as the authorized signer for your credit card. Can you spell your last name for me please?
*door opens. squawking suddenly earsplitting again.*
Girl in background: What the fuck are you doing in here by yerself? don't you be jacking off to my...*something unintelligible*
Guy: SHUT THE DAMN DOOR BITCH! I'M TRYINA MAKE A PHONE CALL IN HERE!
Girl: DON'T YOU YELL AT ME NIGGA!
*SQUAWK! NIGGA! NIGGA! NIGGA! SQUAWK!*
Guy: I'LL YELL AT YA SKANKY BITCH ASS IF I WANT TO!
*SQUAWK! GET BACK HERE BITCH! WHERE ARE YOU! GET OVER HERE NIGGA! SQUAWK!*
Girl: WHO YOU GOT ON THE PHONE?! WHO IS DAT?! *she snatches phone* WHAT YOU DOIN' CALLING MY MAN?!
Me: *utterly amused* this is TPG, with Bugaboo cell phones.
Girl: Oh. *hands phone back to him* ok, she sound white. You off the hook for now, nigga. (what on earth just happened?)
*door shuts, squawking becomes distant again.
Me: *returning to business at hand*
Guy: (starts giving me excuses for why the credit card isn't his) Well, see, it's my homeboy's card. He told me I could use it on my phone.
Me: ok, well is he available? I would need to speak to him.
Guy: Nah, he not here. Lemme see if I can get a hold of him.
*door opens*
*SQUAWK! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!*
Guy: Tanisha! You mind if Dewayne come over?
Girl: YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT THAT NIGGA OVER HERE! HE ALWAYS GET YOU IN TROUBLE! AIN'T NO FUCKING WAY HE COMIN' INTO MY HOUSE AND YOU KNOW IT!
*SQUAWK! WARREN! NIGGA! NIGGA! BITCH! SQUAWK!*
Guy: SHUT UP YOU FUCKING BIRD BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO DINNER! I SWEAR TO GOD, TANISHA, I'MA KILL YOUR BIRD IF IT DON'T SHUT UP!
Girl: YOU TOUCH MY BIRD YOU WON'T HAVE A DICK LEFT TO PISS WITH!
Guy: THAT'S IT! *crash* I'MA GO FUCK YOUR SISTER, CAUSE YOU KNOW SHE BETTER LOOKIN THAN YOU!
*sounds of loud crashing, screaming, and the bird continues to squawk and yell the N word.*
Me: *sigh* I'm disconnecting now. *click*






The leads actually hunted that call recording down so they could listen to it.




And people wonder where my sanity has gone...

[cinema guy]

, just

[saint]

And I thought my calls were bad...

I second cinema guys and add an extra

[sms001]

WARNING: and not all of it human.

This cracked me up when I went back to quote - didn't quite make the connection on my first read through

Girl: Oh. *hands phone back to him* ok, she sound white. You off the hook for now, <snip> (what on earth just happened?)

You just avoided an "ass whoopin'", that's what just happened

Guy: Tanisha! You mind if Dewayne come over?

I love that the most comprehensible, coherent, grammatically correct, swear and racial epithet free sentence in this whole mess is when Warren needs a favor from Tanisha. Gotta love human nature.

The leads actually hunted that call recording down so they could listen to it.

And give you your big fat hazard duty bonus I hope....

[SLIGHTLY OFF TOPIC]
Just came across a great phrase for you and Kara and Gravekeeper and all the rest of the brave front line phone reps. Got sidetracked from another thread to the "West Virginia Surf Report" (hxxp://www.thewvsr.com/metten41.htm) where Metten writes in his April 19, 2007 column "Hodgepodge the Second"

"Until she recently retired to pursue her true dream (CSR Phoneslappery), my sister was..."



[/SLIGHTLY OFF TOPIC]

[Sliceanddice]

wow.... i.... wow.... i think ive talked to him.....

[crazylegs]

I think that this chap is slightly misunderstood, he is merely in training for the most expletives that can be used in a single conversation, its a regular event, which is held most friday and saturday nights between the hours of 00:00hrs and 02:00hrs on the high street of any town near you.

Meanwhile back in the real world.

How can someone live like that, constant tumoil and conflict, although i'm no angel all I'm left thinking is

Stay Safe

[ThePhoneGoddess]

Unfortunately, Pit Bull, I work in security, and so my calls are all full of sensitive information. Names, social security numbers, addresses, etc. I cannot post any of my calls on here or believe me, I would do it.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

I know, I know. Unfortunately, my job requires this pesky thing called 'ethics'.

[GingerBiscuit]

Ethics, pshaw. They just get in the way of having fun.

[Gawdzillers]

Racist bird is racist.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Oh for the love of....Who teaches their bird to repeat racial slurs anyway?

[ThePhoneGoddess]

IPF, I don't think anybody 'taught' the bird, I'm sure it just picked it up being in the house on a daily basis.

[Jester]

Right. Just like if I had a bird it would probably be saying things like:

"Time for another beer!"

Where the hell is my Gatorade?"

"I hate doing dishes!"

and

"Why the HELL are you calling me this hour!?!??!"

[Sliceanddice]

oh like how if my dog heres GOD DAMNIT CLAIRE! comes running and wants to play...

[myswtghst]

"Until she recently retired to pursue her true dream (CSR Phoneslappery), my sister was..."

You have no idea how often I *wish* I could slap people through the phone.

Also, wow. I hate when all the inappropriateness is in the background, so you can't determine whether it's really a good reason to terminate the call.