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Some of you will pick up on today's theme. Others won't. But that's okay, the stupidity speaks for itself. Just imagine a courtroom setting.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Ace Customer Care Rep
Turnabout Downloads
SW: I need to get a credit for the ringtones I downloaded because I lost them when I had my phone replaced.
ME: I can resend those to you at no charge.
SW: No, I already downloaded them. I want a credit for the downloads.
ME: Hmm, I see you did download several ringtones.... but you didn't have any ringtones before.
SW: They told me when I called in last month to download the ringtones and they'd credit me, cause they can't get them back.
ME: Usually, we just resend them to you, since we can track every download you've ever had to your phone. But you don't have any previous downloads.
SW: Well that's what they told me, so you need to credit them anyway.
ME: Okay, I see here where you called us last month, but I don't see any notes at all regarding ringtones.
SW: Well, they said it! It's not my problem if they didn't note it, that's your fault!
ME: I'm sorry, what was the date you called in and where told to download.
SW: It was, like, last month. Like, the 15th.
ME: I see you called on the 13th, that's the last time you spoke to a rep.
SW: Yeah, that's it. The 13th.
ME: And that's when they told you to download the tones?
SW: Yes.
ME: I'm sorry, what date was it they told you to download the tones?
SW: The 13th.
ME: And you downloaded them that same day?
SW: That's right.
Present Evidence: Download History
Objection!
ME: That's interesting. I see the downloads didn't start until 09/14 and continued through 10/05.
SW: But... no, I downloaded on...
ME: You stated the 13th, correct?
SW: Yeah, but...
ME: But there were no downloads at all on that day.
SW: So what are you saying? Are you going to credit those downloads.
ME: No, those are valid charges.
Considering the decisive evidence presented by the defense and the questionable intellect by the plaintiff, (COMPANY) is not guilty of ripping anyone off, and the plaintiff is hereby declared a scammer (and not a very good one).
Turnabout Tower Outage
SW: I haven't had service in 2 weeks!
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. I see you called in the other day, and unfortunately we have several tower outages in the area due to recent storms. Our engineering team is aware of the issue and is working to get the service restored as soon as possible.
SW: Well, I don't have time to wait. My employer got me this phone and they pay for this service to be able to call me. But if I can't use the service, they'll want to cancel it.
ME: Unfortunately, I am not a field technician, I cannot estimate when the outage will be resolved. I do see here you are still using you service regularly and have been given a credit for the service outage.
SW: Well, I'm probably going to cancel. Cause I pay this bill and there's no point in paying for service I can't use, I'm just throwing money away.
ME: ....
HOLD IT!
ME: I can definitely understand not wanting to pay for service you can't use. But you're usage pattern hasn't changed despite the outage. Also, you stated that your employer got the service for you and they are paying the bill, so I'm sure they'd want you to keep the service they set up to contact you at.
SW: Well... uh...
ME: So again I do apologize for the outage but I assure you we are going to have the issue taken care of as soon as humanely possible.
SW: I... the phone... I'll tell my employer, but, uh, they probably, uh... they might... I'll just give it some time.
Yeah, you do that. I, on the other hand, have won yet another case in defending my company against.... what the hell was it you wanted, anyway? I was having fun calling you on your lie, I never actually asked what you wanted. Oh well, victory is victory
Limited Time Turnabout
SW: I called in the other day and they quoted me X phone for $XX.XX.
ME: Okay.... when was this?
SW: Oh.... A couple of weeks ago, I think.
ME: Ah, I see you called on 09/12.
SW: Yeah, that's right.
ME: I'm afraid that offer is no longer valid. I can get that for you for $XXX.XX.
SW: No, the guy offered it to me for $XX.XX.
ME: Right, but that was a limited time offer. A temporary exception was made for you but only for a specified amount of time.
SW: But he said I could think about it and call in!
ME: Right, but that was over a month ago.
SW: But he said I could call back and get that offeeeeeeeeer!
Present: System Memos
TAKE THAT!
ME: Right, but you were advised that the offer was valid for 24 hours. That was over a month ago and I'm afraid I can no longer extend that courtesy again.
SW: But.... but... I waaaaaaaant it for that priiiiiiiiiiice! That's not fair!
ME: But you were advised of the 24 hour period, correct?
SW: But, but, I thought....
ME: So today I can get that phone for you for $XXX.XX
I don't know what primitive thought process requires you to wait over a month to have to come to a decision, and I'm sorry if you feel this isn't adequate to whatever level of brain function you are capable of, but we can't wait around for you. The court finds you Guilty of being a blatant phonetard and you are hereby sentenced to wallow in your own stupidity for life.
Turnabout and Conditions of Service
SW: I want my service canceled!
ME: Very well, we can cancel that for you today. There will be a termination fee of-
SW: No one ever told me about a fee.
ME: I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the contract states there is a termination fee when the service cancels before the end of the term.
SW: No it doesn't!
ME: Actually, it does.
SW: IT DOES NOT! SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS THAT!
Present: Service T&C
TAKE THAT!
ME: If you pull up the Terms and Conditions of service on our website, the terms you agreed to when you signed the contract, you'll find it under Arcticle X, Paragraph Y, under "Term of Service."
SW: I... You'll be hearing from my lawyer!
Great. Be sure to take a copy of those terms with you. And reference the case Common Sense v. Blithering Idiot, also.
Psychic Turnabout Network
SM: I want a credit for all these minutes I went over!
ME: I'm sorry, but you had 548 minutes over your plan last month, I'm not able to adjust those charges. Did you check your minutes and see you were over?
SM: I don't ever check my minutes!
ME: Well, we do have services in place that allow you to check your minutes any time.
SM: It's your fault I went over! One of you people told me this plan would be better for me.
Present: Plan Change
Objection!
ME: When you changed your plan, it looked like a better option that would save you $30 a month in your bills. But that was in April.
SM: So you should credit me!
ME: Unfortunately, we have no way to see how you're going to use your minutes six months in advance.
We are again found Not Guilty. We never declared ourselves to be able to gaze into the future, so how he could have ever come to that conclusion is beyond the comprehension of any organism with more than 7 brain cells.
Turnabout Contract
SM: I need to cancel these lines because I can't afford the service anymore.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. I'd be happy to find a lower plan that might be able to help-
SM: No, I just want to cancel.
ME: Well, we could temporarily suspend your lines for a small monthly fee. Perhaps in a few months, things would improve and you could-
SM: No, I already made up my mind. I can't afford the service, just cancel.
Present: Termination Fees
Take That!
ME: We can cancel the lines, but a termination fee will apply for each number, and you have 4 lines.
SM: But.... but I can't afford the service! You can't charge me a fee.
ME: I"m sorry, but the fees are part of the contract you agreed to. I understand you are trying to reduce your costs, so canceling might not be the best option. We can-
SM: Just cancel it and don't charge me the fees.
ME: I can't do that.
SM: Why not?
ME: Because you agreed to a legally binding contract which states-
SM: I don't care about legally binding! What about doing what's morally right?
ME: I'm sorry, as I said, you agreed to a LEGAL contract, not a MORAL contract.
Case dismissed on the grounds that I have no sense of morality thanks to years of dealing with slobbering assgoblins like yourself.
Now, for non-court related calls.
Like shooting fish in a barrel with an ICBM
ME: How are you doing today?
SW: That depends on how this call goes.
And you're talking to me? Let me just tell you right now that this is so totally not your lucky day
Avoid the Noid
ME: Thanks for calling (COMPANY), this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SW: Yes, what are your specials?
WTF? When in my greeting, not to mention the automated system before me, did you get the impression you were ordering a damn pizza?
*Giggle*
SM: I need to have my phone shut off because I lost it.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that.
SM: Yeah, it was in my bag and I left it in the shopping cart.
ME: We'll suspend the line for you so you don't have to worry about anyone using it.
SM: Thanks. I need to cancel my credit cards too.
Wait... these items were in your..... bag? I thought you meant a grocery bag from the store. Let me just say, I know it sucks when you lose your purse.
This Girl's Got it All Figured Out
Guy: Yeah, I want to make a payment on my girlfriend's phone. She's past due and needs her service back on.
ME: Okay. *Process payment.*
About an hour later....
Guy: I need to get an upgrade for a new phone for my girlfriend.
ME: Okay, what is her number?
Guy: XXX-XXX-XXXX. But that's not the account. I'm going to use the discount on my number because she's not eligible for a discount or whatever.
When the second guy gave me the number, I was thinking, wow, that's the second time today I saw (UNIQUE FIRST NAME). Then I thought.... no, it can't be. So I check the account anyway, and the last rep to acces the account was me. An hour before. To take a payment. From her boyfriend. Who is not the same boyfriend calling now to get her a phone.
SM = Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = Ace Customer Care Rep
Turnabout Downloads
SW: I need to get a credit for the ringtones I downloaded because I lost them when I had my phone replaced.
ME: I can resend those to you at no charge.
SW: No, I already downloaded them. I want a credit for the downloads.
ME: Hmm, I see you did download several ringtones.... but you didn't have any ringtones before.
SW: They told me when I called in last month to download the ringtones and they'd credit me, cause they can't get them back.
ME: Usually, we just resend them to you, since we can track every download you've ever had to your phone. But you don't have any previous downloads.
SW: Well that's what they told me, so you need to credit them anyway.
ME: Okay, I see here where you called us last month, but I don't see any notes at all regarding ringtones.
SW: Well, they said it! It's not my problem if they didn't note it, that's your fault!
ME: I'm sorry, what was the date you called in and where told to download.
SW: It was, like, last month. Like, the 15th.
ME: I see you called on the 13th, that's the last time you spoke to a rep.
SW: Yeah, that's it. The 13th.
ME: And that's when they told you to download the tones?
SW: Yes.
ME: I'm sorry, what date was it they told you to download the tones?
SW: The 13th.
ME: And you downloaded them that same day?
SW: That's right.
Present Evidence: Download History
Objection!
ME: That's interesting. I see the downloads didn't start until 09/14 and continued through 10/05.
SW: But... no, I downloaded on...
ME: You stated the 13th, correct?
SW: Yeah, but...
ME: But there were no downloads at all on that day.
SW: So what are you saying? Are you going to credit those downloads.
ME: No, those are valid charges.
Considering the decisive evidence presented by the defense and the questionable intellect by the plaintiff, (COMPANY) is not guilty of ripping anyone off, and the plaintiff is hereby declared a scammer (and not a very good one).
Turnabout Tower Outage
SW: I haven't had service in 2 weeks!
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. I see you called in the other day, and unfortunately we have several tower outages in the area due to recent storms. Our engineering team is aware of the issue and is working to get the service restored as soon as possible.
SW: Well, I don't have time to wait. My employer got me this phone and they pay for this service to be able to call me. But if I can't use the service, they'll want to cancel it.
ME: Unfortunately, I am not a field technician, I cannot estimate when the outage will be resolved. I do see here you are still using you service regularly and have been given a credit for the service outage.
SW: Well, I'm probably going to cancel. Cause I pay this bill and there's no point in paying for service I can't use, I'm just throwing money away.
ME: ....
HOLD IT!
ME: I can definitely understand not wanting to pay for service you can't use. But you're usage pattern hasn't changed despite the outage. Also, you stated that your employer got the service for you and they are paying the bill, so I'm sure they'd want you to keep the service they set up to contact you at.
SW: Well... uh...
ME: So again I do apologize for the outage but I assure you we are going to have the issue taken care of as soon as humanely possible.
SW: I... the phone... I'll tell my employer, but, uh, they probably, uh... they might... I'll just give it some time.
Yeah, you do that. I, on the other hand, have won yet another case in defending my company against.... what the hell was it you wanted, anyway? I was having fun calling you on your lie, I never actually asked what you wanted. Oh well, victory is victory
Limited Time Turnabout
SW: I called in the other day and they quoted me X phone for $XX.XX.
ME: Okay.... when was this?
SW: Oh.... A couple of weeks ago, I think.
ME: Ah, I see you called on 09/12.
SW: Yeah, that's right.
ME: I'm afraid that offer is no longer valid. I can get that for you for $XXX.XX.
SW: No, the guy offered it to me for $XX.XX.
ME: Right, but that was a limited time offer. A temporary exception was made for you but only for a specified amount of time.
SW: But he said I could think about it and call in!
ME: Right, but that was over a month ago.
SW: But he said I could call back and get that offeeeeeeeeer!
Present: System Memos
TAKE THAT!
ME: Right, but you were advised that the offer was valid for 24 hours. That was over a month ago and I'm afraid I can no longer extend that courtesy again.
SW: But.... but... I waaaaaaaant it for that priiiiiiiiiiice! That's not fair!
ME: But you were advised of the 24 hour period, correct?
SW: But, but, I thought....
ME: So today I can get that phone for you for $XXX.XX
I don't know what primitive thought process requires you to wait over a month to have to come to a decision, and I'm sorry if you feel this isn't adequate to whatever level of brain function you are capable of, but we can't wait around for you. The court finds you Guilty of being a blatant phonetard and you are hereby sentenced to wallow in your own stupidity for life.
Turnabout and Conditions of Service
SW: I want my service canceled!
ME: Very well, we can cancel that for you today. There will be a termination fee of-
SW: No one ever told me about a fee.
ME: I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the contract states there is a termination fee when the service cancels before the end of the term.
SW: No it doesn't!
ME: Actually, it does.
SW: IT DOES NOT! SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS THAT!
Present: Service T&C
TAKE THAT!
ME: If you pull up the Terms and Conditions of service on our website, the terms you agreed to when you signed the contract, you'll find it under Arcticle X, Paragraph Y, under "Term of Service."
SW: I... You'll be hearing from my lawyer!
Great. Be sure to take a copy of those terms with you. And reference the case Common Sense v. Blithering Idiot, also.
Psychic Turnabout Network
SM: I want a credit for all these minutes I went over!
ME: I'm sorry, but you had 548 minutes over your plan last month, I'm not able to adjust those charges. Did you check your minutes and see you were over?
SM: I don't ever check my minutes!
ME: Well, we do have services in place that allow you to check your minutes any time.
SM: It's your fault I went over! One of you people told me this plan would be better for me.
Present: Plan Change
Objection!
ME: When you changed your plan, it looked like a better option that would save you $30 a month in your bills. But that was in April.
SM: So you should credit me!
ME: Unfortunately, we have no way to see how you're going to use your minutes six months in advance.
We are again found Not Guilty. We never declared ourselves to be able to gaze into the future, so how he could have ever come to that conclusion is beyond the comprehension of any organism with more than 7 brain cells.
Turnabout Contract
SM: I need to cancel these lines because I can't afford the service anymore.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. I'd be happy to find a lower plan that might be able to help-
SM: No, I just want to cancel.
ME: Well, we could temporarily suspend your lines for a small monthly fee. Perhaps in a few months, things would improve and you could-
SM: No, I already made up my mind. I can't afford the service, just cancel.
Present: Termination Fees
Take That!
ME: We can cancel the lines, but a termination fee will apply for each number, and you have 4 lines.
SM: But.... but I can't afford the service! You can't charge me a fee.
ME: I"m sorry, but the fees are part of the contract you agreed to. I understand you are trying to reduce your costs, so canceling might not be the best option. We can-
SM: Just cancel it and don't charge me the fees.
ME: I can't do that.
SM: Why not?
ME: Because you agreed to a legally binding contract which states-
SM: I don't care about legally binding! What about doing what's morally right?
ME: I'm sorry, as I said, you agreed to a LEGAL contract, not a MORAL contract.
Case dismissed on the grounds that I have no sense of morality thanks to years of dealing with slobbering assgoblins like yourself.
Now, for non-court related calls.
Like shooting fish in a barrel with an ICBM
ME: How are you doing today?
SW: That depends on how this call goes.
And you're talking to me? Let me just tell you right now that this is so totally not your lucky day
Avoid the Noid
ME: Thanks for calling (COMPANY), this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SW: Yes, what are your specials?
WTF? When in my greeting, not to mention the automated system before me, did you get the impression you were ordering a damn pizza?
*Giggle*
SM: I need to have my phone shut off because I lost it.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that.
SM: Yeah, it was in my bag and I left it in the shopping cart.
ME: We'll suspend the line for you so you don't have to worry about anyone using it.
SM: Thanks. I need to cancel my credit cards too.
Wait... these items were in your..... bag? I thought you meant a grocery bag from the store. Let me just say, I know it sucks when you lose your purse.
This Girl's Got it All Figured Out
Guy: Yeah, I want to make a payment on my girlfriend's phone. She's past due and needs her service back on.
ME: Okay. *Process payment.*
About an hour later....
Guy: I need to get an upgrade for a new phone for my girlfriend.
ME: Okay, what is her number?
Guy: XXX-XXX-XXXX. But that's not the account. I'm going to use the discount on my number because she's not eligible for a discount or whatever.
When the second guy gave me the number, I was thinking, wow, that's the second time today I saw (UNIQUE FIRST NAME). Then I thought.... no, it can't be. So I check the account anyway, and the last rep to acces the account was me. An hour before. To take a payment. From her boyfriend. Who is not the same boyfriend calling now to get her a phone.
I AM the evil bastard!
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