Wait.....he's doing what now? (sexually explicit)

[Gurndigarn]

"Well DAMN!" he says. "I'm 40 years old and married. I really need something good to look at, you know what I mean?"

It means: you chose poorly...

[trunks2k]

Isn't that what the internet is for?

[ZeoViolet]

I vaguely remember some very funny song that was full of double meanings, and I think it was called "My Ding-A-Ling". As in "My ding-a-ling, everybody sing!" (If anybody actually knows of the song I'm talking about, because my dad has it on tape somewhere, kudos to you...I think it was from the seventies.)

[Jester]

That would be "My Ding-a-Ling" by none other than musical legend Chuck Berry. And for those who have forgotten, while I can't provide the tune, though I know it well, I WILL provide the lyrics here:

When I was a little bitty boy
my grandmother bought me a cute little toy
Silver bells hangin' on a string
she told me it was my ding a ling

My ding a ling, my ding a ling
I want to play with my ding a ling
My ding a ling, my ding a ling
I want to play with my ding a ling

And then mother took me to Grammer School
But I stopped all in the vestibule
Every time that bell would ring
catched me playin' with my ding a ling

Once I was climbing the garden wall
I slipped and had a terrible fall
I fell so hard I heard bells ring
but held on to my ding a ling

Once I was swimming cross Turtle creek
many snappers all around my feet
Shure was hard swimming cross that thing
with both hands holdin' my ding a ling

This here song it ain't so sad
the cutest little song you ever had
those of you who will not sing
You must be playin' with your own ding a ling
My ding a ling Your ding a ling, your ding a ling
We saw you playin' with your ding a ling
My ding a ling everybody sing
I want to play with my ding a ling

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Heh heh, that reminds me of a Simpsons moment:

Kid in talent show: My ding-aling-my ding-a-ling, I want you to play with my...
Skinnner: THIS ACT IS OVER!

My personal favorite masturbation song is "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors


I've got your picture
Of me and you
You wrote "I love you"
I love you too
I sit there staring and there's nothing else to do

Oh it's in color
Your hair is brown
Your eyes are hazel
And soft as clouds
I often kiss you when there's no one else around

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of you over myself
I asked the doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and
turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of them over myself
I want the doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and
turning 'round

I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women
No fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark
Everyone around me is a total stranger
Everyone avoids me like a cyclone ranger
Everyone

That's why I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I
really think so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so