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As I live in a small town we generally get to know our regulars quite well, sometimes well enough to know what they are going to buy before they are finished walking in the door. Most of the time this is great as I can pull out a bunch of bits or a certain online adventure game time card that is way to popular for its own good. We love doing this as it makes us look like mind readers to some of the more dense customers.
On the other hand we have SCs that we know what they want - but we don't want them.
So here is my Top ten list of SCs that stroll into my shop (these are specific customers, not generic stereotypes - ill leave those for later) - I'll use names only when I can be bothered to remember them,if not its just a stupid nickname:
10 'IT wannabe' Adrian
Now a little background on Adrian. His father is a teacher who in the infinite wisdom of a teacher/parent decided that he wouldn't let his fragile son go to school, instead he shall be home schooled even through highschool! This leads to the first problem - he has no social interacting skills and hasn't grasped the concept that people DO NOT LIKE HIM AT ALL
.
He somehow managed to get a cadetship through our local council in the IT department who was at the time run by the BRILLIANT Kevin. Kevin is a very patient man when it comes to teaching others the basics of IT. But not Adrian.
My mother used to work for council and whenever they asked for IT support the comments line on the request email had Kevin in bold everytime. Mum even told me that she was soo suspicious of Adrians 'coincidental' network failures moments before mums office were having a morning tea with clients - so Adrian come stumbling in and 'fix' an error in the system in time to join (gatecrash) the morning tea with all the office ladies.
When Kevin was IT manager he bought craploads of computers and associated hardware just because we were a) local b) ALWAYS under retail for him c) we didn't up-sell him, at time we told him cheaper alternatives. Needless to say when Kevin walked in it was a rush to serve him as we KNEW he was spending council money.
Kevin Quit.
Adrian promoted to IT Manager.
Apocalypse.
Adrian is ALWAYS calling us - three times a day at least to get us to research software/hardware/servers etc. that he can easily do - in fact he does AFTER we give him a list of possibles. Then we hear nothing. Does he want it or not? Month later he'll call "Did my Buffalo TerraStations arrive?" ME: Ummmmm.... NO - you didn't order it or give us a council purchase order for payment."
Fuck, Adrian you're the IT 'expert' you should know which model and part number of XX item you need. Try using your mouse and researching instead of the phone and blabbing shit.
This happens regularly. We rush when he comes in. Rush out to the back office that is.
9 'Any sniper games?' Jeff
If you were to create a mental image of a nerd (revenge of the nerds style), a pedophile and a serial killer you have a picture of Jeff.
This guy is just downright creepy. He always calls you mate - not just in greeting but in every sentence. It's like he is subconsciously trying to get a message into your head that he is a friend (fuck no I ain't putting lotion on it's skin).
Jeff tries to be your 'buddy' by capturing you in one of those conversations where I zone out completely and just nod a smile for 10 minutes while desperately trying not to make eye contact with him or my offsider who is trying to make me laugh.
After this conversation which I make a Steve McQueen style escape, he'll aimlessly wander around the shop picking up every computer game with anything to do with shooting and bring the pile to the counter and want our personal opinion on them and only buy games with sniper rifles in them.
Now he must be living a fantasy through these games as I doubt he can even pick up a rifle in real life - let alone open the shop door without a struggle. It got worse when he found out I'm ex-army...(leave that for later)
8 'Trade Discount' Donald
We don't know where he came from but we know he is filthy rich. Obviously a coal miner (mining is big money here). He busts into the shop with a lacky and at speed laps the shop for 'goodies' yelling at the top of his voice "REMEMBER I GET TRADE DISCOUNT!!"
Fuck off you do, no one does. Usually he'll greet us with a stupid remark about sexuality or something so thats my queue for "Sucked in wanker - no discount for you after that!"
7 'Jesus loves you' Wrinkly old man
This old fuck drives around town at the slowest possible speed in an old Kingswood (perfect car of choice - as whatever he hits gets damaged, not him. The dam car much have had an earlier life as an Ice Breaker.
When he manages to call on God for enough energy to walk around town he spreads the 'good word' to EVERY person he passes. Which my friends and I LOVE as we cruise around with death metal blaring out of our cars all the time and he HATES it (we turn it up when we see him on the sidewalk).
One particular friend in Metal clothing was told 'Jesus loves you no matter what' - My mate replied "Piss off, he has to compete with Satan in the bidding war" - instant classic.
He is busting the creationist theory by causing me to evolve an increasingly itchy trigger finger when he comes into the store. When he actually BUYS something he will complain about the price and that he is a poor old pensioner (fuck that, you have how many gold rings and necklaces?).
Last time he came in he apparently left his wallet in the store. No he didn't. He was ringing up the shop every five minutes asking if we found it.
SC: Did you find my wallet?
ME: Nope, we aren't a big store and theres nothing here.
SC: Are you sure? I know it, I just KNOW I left it there.
ME: No you didn't check in your car.
SC: Can you go out onto the street to see if I dropped it?
ME: I can see the street from here and theres nothing there.
SC
click)
He apparently called the shop next door to look too and told them WE have the wallet and if they could grab it for him. Old wanker rang us back an hour later saying he found it on the passenger seat of his death mobile.
He once backed the Death Mobile straight out into traffic without looking one day and smashed the side in on a poor young guys first car and had the nerve to tell the kid it was his fault and that jesus will forgive him for sinning.
6 Tony the DVD player breaker
This old British turd (not racist to brits - I'm actually a UK citizen) has a love hate relationship for DVD Players. He loves them, The DVD Players hate him. He has bought players from all the shops in town and actually returned a $30 player from 'Sollys' - a kind of junk store where you expect shit to break and when it does you don't return it you just thank them for the valued lesson on 'get what you pay for'.
He tried to return a DVD Player to me because the remote wasn't easy to use. Go figure.
Last week he came in with his own DVD to 'test out' ALL of our DVD players. Mind you this was a burnt copy (we cannot condone or give advice on doing so at work). He started helping himself to the players by putting his own disc in and figuring out which players would suit his horribly burnt disc. It had errors everywhere and glitched on every player we have.
I told him that because he was converting from DivX to DVD some programs glitch up the footage at times (who the heck taught him about DivX? Better not be Adrian).
Of course it doesn't mean crap to him and he takes one of the players what was mid-range in price and had a 'good remote'. He bought it on the pretext that it would work for burnt movies and if it glitched he would bring it back. We didn't agree on that (and never would). Just can't wait to see that tosser try to return it with baby powder in it like the last one.
5 Fat Phil
Fat Phil is not just fat - he is morbid. Ever seen footage of rescue workers hauling a fatty out of a building because they ate soo much crap food that they can't get out of the building under their own steam? This is Phil in a year or so.
Phil is one of the local smelly bus drivers which all the kids that take his bus to school hate with a passion. He REEKS soo bad that spots in the shop stay stinky long after he has gone.
He is also a complete asshat. He refused to take a $20 note from my bosses son one day as he hopped on the bus. Stranding him 40+KM away from home and in another town at night. The son was 13-14 at the time.
He also abused the bosses daughter for not knowing anything when she couldn't get something on the register working. I'll have you know she is bloody smart - OP 1 at High School (best score you can possible get), and now on a full scholarship at a great college a doing double degree in LAW and SCIENCE. Hows that for dumb Phil?
Phil comes in once a month or so with a list of 'must haves' for his church/cult (its more of a cult really - only a cult would take him under their wings). He drops the list on the counter and says he'll be back for it later. No you won't you play this game every week.
He'll also try to make a smart comment when he sees me eating a Meat Pie or something equally as unhealthy.
SC: "Eating healthy I see"
ME: "Fuck off, I work out every day hence the lack of fat on my body. Plus I can actually see my Dick"
SC (waddles back up the street)
4 'Deadly' Dave
Dave is one of those customers that can only make you laugh and groan at the same time. Laugh if he is with another staff member. Groan if you lost the race out the back office.
He is completely drug-fucked. Too much acid in the 60s or 70s caused him to be borderline crazy. His speech is like someone with a very bad stuttering problem mixed with hiccups that don't go away. Maybe its just his brain kick starting every few seconds or something.
Deadly LOVES our shop, lots of very shiny objects he cannot afford and isn't allowed to touch.
Especially the UHF Radios. Dave somewhat of a fetish for these wonderful items. He always asks for me or offsider to take a set out of the cabinet, give him one and we take the other. We are directed to go out the back of the shop so we can talk on them. Not in my lifetime sunshine.
Dave's clothing is also something that can cause you to laugh when serving him (which is bad because he starts laughing too, thinking he said something funny). Last time I saw him he was wearing a Santa Costume in June walking around town asking random kids (and of course school highschool girls - cos he is dirty old guy) to pull his beard. Drugs most definitely BAD!
3 Diane and daughter
Another Brit. She has the illusion that she is the center of the universe and every staff member must talk to her for at least half an hour per visit. I asked the boss if I could shove a variable resister (commonly used for volume control knobs) up her ass in a vane attempt to shut her fucking mouth. I had three of them in my hand asking which would be suitable.
The reason for her visits isn't to buy something, its to wait for her wretched ugly daughter got get her emo/goth/punk fat arse off the bus across the road. She is also a complainer about prices 'because she is on a pension' - how about you get a fucking job like the rest of us. If you're going to migrate to another country GET A DAM JOB! My taxes are better spent on border patrol an immigration trying to keep people like you OUT of the country.
2 'My ADD son needs EVERY game made' Katriana
Katriana has a 6th sense - it must make up for her sons lack of any. It's like a spidey sense. She know exactly when to call up asking what new games we have in for her stupid son to buy. We rattle of 20+ titles over the phone and you can here the turd boy in the background flipping out because he already has these games. She tried to return a game because her son cannot read the in game story or dialogue. Fuck off - spend money on your sons EDUCATION not gaming addiction.
She is another welfare bitch (sorry I hate welfare completely - I was on it for a few months and asked to be put on the "Work for the Dole" program because I at least wanted to do SOMETHING that resembled work
, I was denied because I wasn't long term unemployed).
1 Erik the Annoyer
Erik wins the competition.
Erik is fresh off a Viking ship after making a detour into south east asia for a VISA wife or 2.
I had the displeasure of working with him at a resort a few years back and when I left I thought I was safe. Not likely, he knew I worked in the shop and is adamant he can get a discount from me. Everything he buys he complains about. And he is one of those stereotypical Mac users who is ignorant to the fact that Apple shit costs money and no one makes a profit except Apple. He even asks me to use my student discount and buy the stuff for him. Fuck off, I'm not doing that for you.
Erik recently moved to the other side of the country (much rejoicing). My mothers boyfriend nearly did a backflip when he found out (he works with Erik) when he got back from holiday in Europe that Erik had gone.
We thought we were safe from his beady crow eyes and arrogance. Nope, apparently there aren't any electronics stores on the West Coast of the country and he calls US up for stuff to buy and expects free postage. Bye Bye memories of making a profit.
Thats all I can think of at the moment about these characters. Theres more but this seems long enough already.
On the other hand we have SCs that we know what they want - but we don't want them.
So here is my Top ten list of SCs that stroll into my shop (these are specific customers, not generic stereotypes - ill leave those for later) - I'll use names only when I can be bothered to remember them,if not its just a stupid nickname:
10 'IT wannabe' Adrian
Now a little background on Adrian. His father is a teacher who in the infinite wisdom of a teacher/parent decided that he wouldn't let his fragile son go to school, instead he shall be home schooled even through highschool! This leads to the first problem - he has no social interacting skills and hasn't grasped the concept that people DO NOT LIKE HIM AT ALL
.He somehow managed to get a cadetship through our local council in the IT department who was at the time run by the BRILLIANT Kevin. Kevin is a very patient man when it comes to teaching others the basics of IT. But not Adrian.
My mother used to work for council and whenever they asked for IT support the comments line on the request email had Kevin in bold everytime. Mum even told me that she was soo suspicious of Adrians 'coincidental' network failures moments before mums office were having a morning tea with clients - so Adrian come stumbling in and 'fix' an error in the system in time to join (gatecrash) the morning tea with all the office ladies.
When Kevin was IT manager he bought craploads of computers and associated hardware just because we were a) local b) ALWAYS under retail for him c) we didn't up-sell him, at time we told him cheaper alternatives. Needless to say when Kevin walked in it was a rush to serve him as we KNEW he was spending council money.
Kevin Quit.
Adrian promoted to IT Manager.
Apocalypse.
Adrian is ALWAYS calling us - three times a day at least to get us to research software/hardware/servers etc. that he can easily do - in fact he does AFTER we give him a list of possibles. Then we hear nothing. Does he want it or not? Month later he'll call "Did my Buffalo TerraStations arrive?" ME: Ummmmm.... NO - you didn't order it or give us a council purchase order for payment."
Fuck, Adrian you're the IT 'expert' you should know which model and part number of XX item you need. Try using your mouse and researching instead of the phone and blabbing shit.
This happens regularly. We rush when he comes in. Rush out to the back office that is.
9 'Any sniper games?' Jeff
If you were to create a mental image of a nerd (revenge of the nerds style), a pedophile and a serial killer you have a picture of Jeff.
This guy is just downright creepy. He always calls you mate - not just in greeting but in every sentence. It's like he is subconsciously trying to get a message into your head that he is a friend (fuck no I ain't putting lotion on it's skin).
Jeff tries to be your 'buddy' by capturing you in one of those conversations where I zone out completely and just nod a smile for 10 minutes while desperately trying not to make eye contact with him or my offsider who is trying to make me laugh.
After this conversation which I make a Steve McQueen style escape, he'll aimlessly wander around the shop picking up every computer game with anything to do with shooting and bring the pile to the counter and want our personal opinion on them and only buy games with sniper rifles in them.
Now he must be living a fantasy through these games as I doubt he can even pick up a rifle in real life - let alone open the shop door without a struggle. It got worse when he found out I'm ex-army...(leave that for later)
8 'Trade Discount' Donald
We don't know where he came from but we know he is filthy rich. Obviously a coal miner (mining is big money here). He busts into the shop with a lacky and at speed laps the shop for 'goodies' yelling at the top of his voice "REMEMBER I GET TRADE DISCOUNT!!"
Fuck off you do, no one does. Usually he'll greet us with a stupid remark about sexuality or something so thats my queue for "Sucked in wanker - no discount for you after that!"
7 'Jesus loves you' Wrinkly old man
This old fuck drives around town at the slowest possible speed in an old Kingswood (perfect car of choice - as whatever he hits gets damaged, not him. The dam car much have had an earlier life as an Ice Breaker.
When he manages to call on God for enough energy to walk around town he spreads the 'good word' to EVERY person he passes. Which my friends and I LOVE as we cruise around with death metal blaring out of our cars all the time and he HATES it (we turn it up when we see him on the sidewalk).
One particular friend in Metal clothing was told 'Jesus loves you no matter what' - My mate replied "Piss off, he has to compete with Satan in the bidding war" - instant classic.
He is busting the creationist theory by causing me to evolve an increasingly itchy trigger finger when he comes into the store. When he actually BUYS something he will complain about the price and that he is a poor old pensioner (fuck that, you have how many gold rings and necklaces?).
Last time he came in he apparently left his wallet in the store. No he didn't. He was ringing up the shop every five minutes asking if we found it.
SC: Did you find my wallet?
ME: Nope, we aren't a big store and theres nothing here.
SC: Are you sure? I know it, I just KNOW I left it there.
ME: No you didn't check in your car.
SC: Can you go out onto the street to see if I dropped it?
ME: I can see the street from here and theres nothing there.
SC
click)He apparently called the shop next door to look too and told them WE have the wallet and if they could grab it for him. Old wanker rang us back an hour later saying he found it on the passenger seat of his death mobile.
He once backed the Death Mobile straight out into traffic without looking one day and smashed the side in on a poor young guys first car and had the nerve to tell the kid it was his fault and that jesus will forgive him for sinning.
6 Tony the DVD player breaker
This old British turd (not racist to brits - I'm actually a UK citizen) has a love hate relationship for DVD Players. He loves them, The DVD Players hate him. He has bought players from all the shops in town and actually returned a $30 player from 'Sollys' - a kind of junk store where you expect shit to break and when it does you don't return it you just thank them for the valued lesson on 'get what you pay for'.
He tried to return a DVD Player to me because the remote wasn't easy to use. Go figure.
Last week he came in with his own DVD to 'test out' ALL of our DVD players. Mind you this was a burnt copy (we cannot condone or give advice on doing so at work). He started helping himself to the players by putting his own disc in and figuring out which players would suit his horribly burnt disc. It had errors everywhere and glitched on every player we have.
I told him that because he was converting from DivX to DVD some programs glitch up the footage at times (who the heck taught him about DivX? Better not be Adrian).
Of course it doesn't mean crap to him and he takes one of the players what was mid-range in price and had a 'good remote'. He bought it on the pretext that it would work for burnt movies and if it glitched he would bring it back. We didn't agree on that (and never would). Just can't wait to see that tosser try to return it with baby powder in it like the last one.
5 Fat Phil
Fat Phil is not just fat - he is morbid. Ever seen footage of rescue workers hauling a fatty out of a building because they ate soo much crap food that they can't get out of the building under their own steam? This is Phil in a year or so.
Phil is one of the local smelly bus drivers which all the kids that take his bus to school hate with a passion. He REEKS soo bad that spots in the shop stay stinky long after he has gone.
He is also a complete asshat. He refused to take a $20 note from my bosses son one day as he hopped on the bus. Stranding him 40+KM away from home and in another town at night. The son was 13-14 at the time.
He also abused the bosses daughter for not knowing anything when she couldn't get something on the register working. I'll have you know she is bloody smart - OP 1 at High School (best score you can possible get), and now on a full scholarship at a great college a doing double degree in LAW and SCIENCE. Hows that for dumb Phil?
Phil comes in once a month or so with a list of 'must haves' for his church/cult (its more of a cult really - only a cult would take him under their wings). He drops the list on the counter and says he'll be back for it later. No you won't you play this game every week.
He'll also try to make a smart comment when he sees me eating a Meat Pie or something equally as unhealthy.
SC: "Eating healthy I see"
ME: "Fuck off, I work out every day hence the lack of fat on my body. Plus I can actually see my Dick"
SC (waddles back up the street)
4 'Deadly' Dave
Dave is one of those customers that can only make you laugh and groan at the same time. Laugh if he is with another staff member. Groan if you lost the race out the back office.
He is completely drug-fucked. Too much acid in the 60s or 70s caused him to be borderline crazy. His speech is like someone with a very bad stuttering problem mixed with hiccups that don't go away. Maybe its just his brain kick starting every few seconds or something.
Deadly LOVES our shop, lots of very shiny objects he cannot afford and isn't allowed to touch.
Especially the UHF Radios. Dave somewhat of a fetish for these wonderful items. He always asks for me or offsider to take a set out of the cabinet, give him one and we take the other. We are directed to go out the back of the shop so we can talk on them. Not in my lifetime sunshine.Dave's clothing is also something that can cause you to laugh when serving him (which is bad because he starts laughing too, thinking he said something funny). Last time I saw him he was wearing a Santa Costume in June
walking around town asking random kids (and of course school highschool girls - cos he is dirty old guy) to pull his beard. Drugs most definitely BAD! 3 Diane and daughter
Another Brit. She has the illusion that she is the center of the universe and every staff member must talk to her for at least half an hour per visit. I asked the boss if I could shove a variable resister (commonly used for volume control knobs) up her ass in a vane attempt to shut her fucking mouth. I had three of them in my hand asking which would be suitable.
The reason for her visits isn't to buy something, its to wait for her wretched ugly daughter got get her emo/goth/punk fat arse off the bus across the road. She is also a complainer about prices 'because she is on a pension' - how about you get a fucking job like the rest of us. If you're going to migrate to another country GET A DAM JOB! My taxes are better spent on border patrol an immigration trying to keep people like you OUT of the country.
2 'My ADD son needs EVERY game made' Katriana
Katriana has a 6th sense - it must make up for her sons lack of any. It's like a spidey sense. She know exactly when to call up asking what new games we have in for her stupid son to buy. We rattle of 20+ titles over the phone and you can here the turd boy in the background flipping out because he already has these games. She tried to return a game because her son cannot read the in game story or dialogue. Fuck off - spend money on your sons EDUCATION not gaming addiction.
She is another welfare bitch (sorry I hate welfare completely - I was on it for a few months and asked to be put on the "Work for the Dole" program because I at least wanted to do SOMETHING that resembled work
, I was denied because I wasn't long term unemployed).1 Erik the Annoyer
Erik wins the competition.
Erik is fresh off a Viking ship after making a detour into south east asia for a VISA wife or 2.
I had the displeasure of working with him at a resort a few years back and when I left I thought I was safe. Not likely, he knew I worked in the shop and is adamant he can get a discount from me. Everything he buys he complains about. And he is one of those stereotypical Mac users who is ignorant to the fact that Apple shit costs money and no one makes a profit except Apple. He even asks me to use my student discount and buy the stuff for him. Fuck off, I'm not doing that for you.
Erik recently moved to the other side of the country (much rejoicing). My mothers boyfriend nearly did a backflip when he found out (he works with Erik) when he got back from holiday in Europe that Erik had gone.
We thought we were safe from his beady crow eyes and arrogance. Nope, apparently there aren't any electronics stores on the West Coast of the country and he calls US up for stuff to buy and expects free postage. Bye Bye memories of making a profit
.Thats all I can think of at the moment about these characters. Theres more but this seems long enough already.
- the idiots. Everyone thinks they are stupid. Don't think I'm Mac bashing - I own one myself!.
" and then sit and stare at me the entire time I was on my break. When I switched locations, she started coming to the new location. This woman had some creepy fascination with me until I cut my hair. "Awww, why'd you do that, sugar? You looked like a young, fluffy Albert Einstein..." I have very thick hair that curls a little and tends to "fro" out as my friends say when it gets long. Deep down, I felt bad to break break her heart, but I think that just may be Inborn Familial Guilt (my family has a guilt complex in our genes, I swear).
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