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(a continuing series)
1. Just because you're calling in about your TV service doesn't mean you actually have to be at home! The reps have magical powers and can fix your problems telepathically.
2. When asking the rep about something complex and technical, be sure you tell that rep he's wrong and/or speak in a tone making it clear you don't believe the answer. After all, they only deal with the stuff every day and you're a monkey who couldn't find their ass with both hands and a road map.
3. Screaming is the best way to get things accomplished.
4. Reps only ask you to verify their account to annoy you. I mean, why else would they want to ask you all that stuff when all you want to know is the amount of money owed or which porno movies are being ordered.
5. The cable company is directly responsible for any and all programming content. Whenever a channel pre-empts your favorite show for, say, the Jerry Lewis Telethon, the logical conclusion is to call your cable company and scream. Hell, they should know your happiness is more important than some sick kids.
6. When in doubt, refer to rule #3.
7. Remember, requesting a service tech is just like ordering pizza so you should expect them to be there in no less than 30 minutes, especially if you're calling at 9 PM. Don't listen to any nonsense about techs only working until 7, that just means the rep is being lazy and in which case you should again refer to rule #3.
8. Always mention that the backwater cable company that used to service your area was much better than us. We're all impressed by your magical former company that never had an outage in 300 years until we took over and then everything went to shit. Don't be swayed if your rep mentions the same equipment is being used as the old cable company, they're evil so obviously they broke it.
9. Make sure the rep knows what horrible service it is that you got cut off for having a bill 65 days past due. Even more, if you're having service turned back on after getting cut for nonpayment, always get as huffy as possible if you have to wait even one day for a tech to come out. I mean, all they need to do is hit their magic button, so you must have got another lazy rep.
10. Your cable company should understand that you have a poltergeist in your house who likes to watch porno. I mean, after all *YOU* wouldn't order such things and certainly your 15 year old son would have no interest in that kind of filth. Those $200 worth of Hot Latina Booty just magically appeared and should be credited.
11. When a rep refuses to bend the laws of space and time for you, it obviously means the don't care enough about you as a customer. Demand a supervisor and ask they use their Staples-issued easy buttons to fulfill your request.
12. If you're leaving to go to East Kapoovelschnuvel, never to return again, it's best to arrange your equipment pickup to be about 5 minutes before your plane leaves. If the tech doesn't make it, well then that $500 worth of equipment on the account with your name on it is no longer your responsibility.
1. Just because you're calling in about your TV service doesn't mean you actually have to be at home! The reps have magical powers and can fix your problems telepathically.
2. When asking the rep about something complex and technical, be sure you tell that rep he's wrong and/or speak in a tone making it clear you don't believe the answer. After all, they only deal with the stuff every day and you're a monkey who couldn't find their ass with both hands and a road map.
3. Screaming is the best way to get things accomplished.
4. Reps only ask you to verify their account to annoy you. I mean, why else would they want to ask you all that stuff when all you want to know is the amount of money owed or which porno movies are being ordered.
5. The cable company is directly responsible for any and all programming content. Whenever a channel pre-empts your favorite show for, say, the Jerry Lewis Telethon, the logical conclusion is to call your cable company and scream. Hell, they should know your happiness is more important than some sick kids.
6. When in doubt, refer to rule #3.
7. Remember, requesting a service tech is just like ordering pizza so you should expect them to be there in no less than 30 minutes, especially if you're calling at 9 PM. Don't listen to any nonsense about techs only working until 7, that just means the rep is being lazy and in which case you should again refer to rule #3.
8. Always mention that the backwater cable company that used to service your area was much better than us. We're all impressed by your magical former company that never had an outage in 300 years until we took over and then everything went to shit. Don't be swayed if your rep mentions the same equipment is being used as the old cable company, they're evil so obviously they broke it.
9. Make sure the rep knows what horrible service it is that you got cut off for having a bill 65 days past due. Even more, if you're having service turned back on after getting cut for nonpayment, always get as huffy as possible if you have to wait even one day for a tech to come out. I mean, all they need to do is hit their magic button, so you must have got another lazy rep.
10. Your cable company should understand that you have a poltergeist in your house who likes to watch porno. I mean, after all *YOU* wouldn't order such things and certainly your 15 year old son would have no interest in that kind of filth. Those $200 worth of Hot Latina Booty just magically appeared and should be credited.
11. When a rep refuses to bend the laws of space and time for you, it obviously means the don't care enough about you as a customer. Demand a supervisor and ask they use their Staples-issued easy buttons to fulfill your request.
12. If you're leaving to go to East Kapoovelschnuvel, never to return again, it's best to arrange your equipment pickup to be about 5 minutes before your plane leaves. If the tech doesn't make it, well then that $500 worth of equipment on the account with your name on it is no longer your responsibility.
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