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Ah yes.....the weekend. Thats when the true champions of genetics come out...
Hurt Feelings
As I was walking up to the Skytrain this evening I passed a guy that asked me if I wished to purchase any fine narcotics. Well, ok it was more of a "Hey man, wanna buy some drugs?!". I ignored him and kept on walking…..then he called out, in a rather hurt voice: "You could at least say no, man!".
Apparently I hurt his feelings. I suppose I was the one at fault here. The correct slogan was "Just say no to drugs" not "Just ignore drugs". My bad. So I do apologize my fine, scruffy, half baked friend. Have a Twinkie.
Consolation Prize
( This line is a charity lottery )
Endured a lengthy tirade from a guy who started out normal enough....save for the fact he asked question after fscking question abotu every god damn aspect of the company, the lottery, my shift, how I felt about my shift, if I owned any pets, etc etc. Basically he came across as desperately lonely and I was but the single, gently flickering light of hope who's number he had seen on a TV commercial moments ago.
Then at some point he slowly shifted gears from "Lonely and probably rubbing himself through his Pooh Bear pajamas" to "Insane Wildlife Commando.". He began ranting about how he had donated to the World Wildlife Federation once then discovered that something like 80% of his donation went into administration and new programs rather then "To the animals". This PETA Warrior rant went on for some time before he shifted his focus from how evil the WWF was to how potentially evil I was. He began demanding to know our administrative costs, how much money we were making off of this and how much money I personally was daring to pocket. Oh, and how dare I not be a volunteer working. ( Yeah, like fucking hell I'm volunteering to sit in an office alone all god damn night just in case someone calls for a lottery ticket. ).
This insanity went on for quite a while ( 10 minutes according to the call timer ) until I finally pulled the abort switch and offered him the client's office number should he wish to pursue his rabid inquiries further in the morning.
Then, in perhap's a Christmas inspired miracle, his brain grew 3 sizes and it dawned on him what a complete jackass he was and he admitted that even he wouldn't have put up with his raving bullshit for as long as I had and still remained pleasantly civil. He promised to mention how wonderful I was to <client>'s office when he called them in the morning.
Go me.
Jerk.
( This line is for stranded passengers needed cheap hotel rooms. As many did in Toronto the other night due to the storm. )
SC: "Don't you have a PROPER 5 star hotel?"
Oh, I'm sorry, you obviously came in on the wrong line. You must have accidentally pressed 1, which is the line for "Drudging Peasantry and Lowly Rabble." You needed to press 2 for "Pretentious Assholes". But no worries, I'm quite capable of assisting even someone of your obvious standing and nobility. Give me a moment here and I'll locate a more prestigious establishment that your stature truly deserves. Such as a rat infested back alley behind a Denny's with only a dumpster full of soggy hamburger buns and old cooking oil to lean against. If you need anything "room service" is the 6 foot fishnet clad transvestite hooker at the end of the alley. Please enjoy your stay and we hope that in the future whenever you inhale the striking aroma of balls and pantyhose you'll think of us and smile.
Oh, and tell "Bunny" I said hi.
Another of Kara's rejects.
SC: "Ya I hit somethin' on ma phone and now it don't werk."
Me: "Ok, well-"
SC: "Not sur wut I hit, sumu buttons er somethin'. I dunno, I'm not use to havin' a phone."
Yes, the relentless forward march of technology can be rather confusing if you don't keep abreast of the latest developments. I mean the telephone has only been used for what? Over a 100 years now? That's no where near enough time to begin to familiarize yourself with its complex operation and voodoo like inner workings. I sympathize with you, I really too. Why I too just can't seem to wrap my head around any of these new farfangled devices these days. I mean I have this thing at home in my kitchen….this mysterious devil box....I think the kids call it a "toaster" or some such. You stick bread in it and a minute later you get toast. Just like that.....where the hell does the bread go?! I'm not sure exactly how it works but it must be the Devil's work.
Technical Jargon
"Feces deposit found in alcove 13"
………well, I suppose that does sound a bit more polite then "Someone took a Hersey squat in the alley".
It Burns
Me: "Good evening, <doctor's directory service>-"
SC: "Yes, whenever I go to the bathroom it-"
STOP! TIME OUT! For the sake of my mental well being, please allow me to derail that particular train before it reaches whatever terrible, terrible destination it was heading for.
My Skytrain car was held hostage but some nutjob with a firecracker in his mouth this evening. He kept threatening to light it unless….ok he didn't specify what his demands where. Just that he would light it if they were not met. I'm also not sure how he thought this was a threat to me per say since the only one in harm's way was himself and I can assure you I don't give a rat's crusty butthole about your wellbeing. In fact I'm more likely to cheer you on then upload the footage to Youtube. Still, everyone fled that end of the Skytrain and he, perhaps sensing an imminent Skytrain cop beat down, fled the Skytrain at the next stop. Where he ran out onto the platform, lit it, and hurdled at people on the sidewalk below moments before the Skytrain cop beat down commenced.
Sadly the Skytrain pulled away before I could fully enjoy the beat down and his tortured pleas for help.
....mmkay.
The guy behind me at Granville station:
"This black nail polish keeps making me hold the door open for people!"
Yeah...and if it wasn't for my horse I wouldn't have spend that year in college.
Diplomacy
Caller called to spazz out over her rent increasing by $50. This is of course important and relevant at 2am. Her excuse was that she had "Only just read the letter now.". This did not change the fact talking to me about it is absolutely pointless. My attempts to explain I have nothing to do with it, no power over it nor any idea why it came about met with failure.
Unfortunately she hung up on me in a snit before I could make an attempt to justify her rent increase as an "Act of God'.
annnd....days off. -.-
Hurt Feelings
As I was walking up to the Skytrain this evening I passed a guy that asked me if I wished to purchase any fine narcotics. Well, ok it was more of a "Hey man, wanna buy some drugs?!". I ignored him and kept on walking…..then he called out, in a rather hurt voice: "You could at least say no, man!".
Apparently I hurt his feelings. I suppose I was the one at fault here. The correct slogan was "Just say no to drugs" not "Just ignore drugs". My bad. So I do apologize my fine, scruffy, half baked friend. Have a Twinkie.
Consolation Prize
( This line is a charity lottery )
Endured a lengthy tirade from a guy who started out normal enough....save for the fact he asked question after fscking question abotu every god damn aspect of the company, the lottery, my shift, how I felt about my shift, if I owned any pets, etc etc. Basically he came across as desperately lonely and I was but the single, gently flickering light of hope who's number he had seen on a TV commercial moments ago.
Then at some point he slowly shifted gears from "Lonely and probably rubbing himself through his Pooh Bear pajamas" to "Insane Wildlife Commando.". He began ranting about how he had donated to the World Wildlife Federation once then discovered that something like 80% of his donation went into administration and new programs rather then "To the animals". This PETA Warrior rant went on for some time before he shifted his focus from how evil the WWF was to how potentially evil I was. He began demanding to know our administrative costs, how much money we were making off of this and how much money I personally was daring to pocket. Oh, and how dare I not be a volunteer working. ( Yeah, like fucking hell I'm volunteering to sit in an office alone all god damn night just in case someone calls for a lottery ticket. ).
This insanity went on for quite a while ( 10 minutes according to the call timer ) until I finally pulled the abort switch and offered him the client's office number should he wish to pursue his rabid inquiries further in the morning.
Then, in perhap's a Christmas inspired miracle, his brain grew 3 sizes and it dawned on him what a complete jackass he was and he admitted that even he wouldn't have put up with his raving bullshit for as long as I had and still remained pleasantly civil. He promised to mention how wonderful I was to <client>'s office when he called them in the morning.
Go me.
Jerk.
( This line is for stranded passengers needed cheap hotel rooms. As many did in Toronto the other night due to the storm. )
SC: "Don't you have a PROPER 5 star hotel?"
Oh, I'm sorry, you obviously came in on the wrong line. You must have accidentally pressed 1, which is the line for "Drudging Peasantry and Lowly Rabble." You needed to press 2 for "Pretentious Assholes". But no worries, I'm quite capable of assisting even someone of your obvious standing and nobility. Give me a moment here and I'll locate a more prestigious establishment that your stature truly deserves. Such as a rat infested back alley behind a Denny's with only a dumpster full of soggy hamburger buns and old cooking oil to lean against. If you need anything "room service" is the 6 foot fishnet clad transvestite hooker at the end of the alley. Please enjoy your stay and we hope that in the future whenever you inhale the striking aroma of balls and pantyhose you'll think of us and smile.
Oh, and tell "Bunny" I said hi.
Another of Kara's rejects.
SC: "Ya I hit somethin' on ma phone and now it don't werk."
Me: "Ok, well-"
SC: "Not sur wut I hit, sumu buttons er somethin'. I dunno, I'm not use to havin' a phone."
Yes, the relentless forward march of technology can be rather confusing if you don't keep abreast of the latest developments. I mean the telephone has only been used for what? Over a 100 years now? That's no where near enough time to begin to familiarize yourself with its complex operation and voodoo like inner workings. I sympathize with you, I really too. Why I too just can't seem to wrap my head around any of these new farfangled devices these days. I mean I have this thing at home in my kitchen….this mysterious devil box....I think the kids call it a "toaster" or some such. You stick bread in it and a minute later you get toast. Just like that.....where the hell does the bread go?! I'm not sure exactly how it works but it must be the Devil's work.
Technical Jargon
"Feces deposit found in alcove 13"
………well, I suppose that does sound a bit more polite then "Someone took a Hersey squat in the alley".
It Burns
Me: "Good evening, <doctor's directory service>-"
SC: "Yes, whenever I go to the bathroom it-"
STOP! TIME OUT! For the sake of my mental well being, please allow me to derail that particular train before it reaches whatever terrible, terrible destination it was heading for.
My Skytrain car was held hostage but some nutjob with a firecracker in his mouth this evening. He kept threatening to light it unless….ok he didn't specify what his demands where. Just that he would light it if they were not met. I'm also not sure how he thought this was a threat to me per say since the only one in harm's way was himself and I can assure you I don't give a rat's crusty butthole about your wellbeing. In fact I'm more likely to cheer you on then upload the footage to Youtube. Still, everyone fled that end of the Skytrain and he, perhaps sensing an imminent Skytrain cop beat down, fled the Skytrain at the next stop. Where he ran out onto the platform, lit it, and hurdled at people on the sidewalk below moments before the Skytrain cop beat down commenced.
Sadly the Skytrain pulled away before I could fully enjoy the beat down and his tortured pleas for help.
....mmkay.
The guy behind me at Granville station:
"This black nail polish keeps making me hold the door open for people!"
Yeah...and if it wasn't for my horse I wouldn't have spend that year in college.
Diplomacy
Caller called to spazz out over her rent increasing by $50. This is of course important and relevant at 2am. Her excuse was that she had "Only just read the letter now.". This did not change the fact talking to me about it is absolutely pointless. My attempts to explain I have nothing to do with it, no power over it nor any idea why it came about met with failure.
Unfortunately she hung up on me in a snit before I could make an attempt to justify her rent increase as an "Act of God'.
annnd....days off. -.-
I like your description better!
Oh God. Oh God. I just nearly shot POPCORN out my nose. That would have hurt.......
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