Tweet
The Full Effect (+Cats)
I'd just like to take a quick moment to say I hate FedEx and I hate America West/US Airways.
Since its the holidays, I figured I'd attach the full affect of my shift reports. As you may or may not know, every day of my reports is accompanied by questionable feline visual aids. I've maintained this cat streak at a rate of one new picture per day, for almost a year now.
So, just this once, I shall also attach the kitties that accompanied my original shift reports:
Epiphany
Tonight it became official. I’ve been going to 7/11 for way too long. It dawned on me as I was purchasing some delectable spring rolls and the girl at the register looked at me and went: “Oh, I didn’t know you liked Asian food!”.
867- Leslie
Me: “I only have that jacket in stock is small, unfortunately”
SC: “Oh, I don’t know if that’ll fit….I’m about 5’4, do you think it’d fit?”
It appears I inadvertently identified myself as “Fabulous Psychic Fashion Wizard” again instead of merely “Gravekeeper”. I need to stop doing that. While it is an impressive sounding title I cannot extrapolate your measurements based on something as vague as your height. I know I gave that impression, and for that I’m sorry. But in my defense, you’re an idiot.
Me: “If you take a look at the back of the catalogue there is a sizing guide there that can help.”
SC: “Oh, ok, great! One sec…..”
Me: “……”
SC: “There is too! Hmmm…let’s see……..I’m still not sure! How tall is the guy in the diagram?”
It appears that merely hinting at your stupidity and giving you an opportunity to correct it, thus avoiding embarrassment, has once again failed me. Yet, sadly, I’m not permitted to directly inform you that you’re an idiot. I’ll have to delicately tiptoe around the subject and hope that at some point I shed enough light on the dim, murky inner world that is your mind for you to behold it and marvel at the vast expanse of free space in which it dwells.
867 - Leslie....again
SC: “Oh hi! It’s Leslie again! Remember me?”
Yes, if merely by the fact there’s insufficient amounts of hard alcohol in the office to help me forget.
SC: “That jacket I ordered, does the hood come off? It doesn’t say its removable….”
….that’s because it’s not....
Me: “It’s not removable, no.”
SC: “Oh, does it have a zipper all the way around?”
Me: “….a zipper?”
SC: “Yeah, like, all around the collar?”
Me: “…around the collar...”
SC: “Yeah, so you can take the hood off.”
Me: “That hood isn’t removable…”
SC: “Oh, ok, cool!”
I grow weary of trying to decorate your mental Christmas tree and desperately trying to find the one bulb in the strand that's burnt out so I can get them all to light up and illuminate a friggan clue for you.
867
SC: “How much is it gonna cost?”
Me: “It comes to $142.”
SC: “Is that all? Oh ok, I could add one more item then….”
Final total: $606. Apparently 2 hats, a jacket and some jeans count as “one item”. To be fair, I too tried that logic once. The difference being I was only 4 and I was writing to Santa.
Connecting the Dots
SC: “Yeah, I use to like have this cat here in my apartment that went missing. They were looking for him for a while.”
Me: “…ok?”
SC: “Now my fridge doesn’t work.”
Me: “……....what?”
SC: “I think a fuse burnt out.”
The……wait, what? Ok how the hell did we get from point A to point B there? You somehow made the leap from one to the other. However when I attempted to follow you not only did I not make it, but I slammed my face into the far edge of the cliff and tumbled down the embankment hitting several rocks, trees and the broadside of a startled caribou on my way down into the gaping ravine of confusion.
Consumer Loyalty
( Lawyer's office )
SC: “I’ve already dealt with <client> on numerous occasions for DUIs”
….yet here you are calling him again. Numerous occasions you say? How the hell are you still wandering the streets? Isn’t there kind of a limit as to how many DUIs you can get before the lock you up? I thought it was suppose to be more like 3 strikes and less like collecting Subway stamps for a free foot long.
867
I hope you enjoy those $600 MP3 Sunglasses in your trailer who's greatest embrace of technology is a tape deck. Why? Why do you order these things? You don't even know what an MP3 is! Argh! "Because they look cool" is not a valid reason to throw down $600 when the non-mp3 version is only $120 you flannel clad lice ridden sasquatch.
Argh, it's like giving a monkey an iPod!
Brain to Mouth Filter Failing
SC: "Yeah, I just called a minute ago and you guys said to call back in 10-15 minutes to see if you found me a hotel room?"
Me: "Ok, what can I do for you?"
SC: “Well what happens if I want a drink? What happens if I head to the lounge? Do they have a courtesy phone down in the lounge?!"
Me: “No, I don't. Sorry. Seeing as I have absolutely no idea where you are.
SC: “…….that’s…a good point.”
Me: "Mhmmm."
Yes, I’m rather proud of it myself.
Simple Questions
Me: “and how do you spell your first name?”
SC: “a-m-a-r-i-j-j-e”
Me: “a-m-a-r-i-j-j-e?”
SC: “No, m-a-r-i-j-j-e.”
Me: “i-j-j-e?”
SC: “No, m-a-r-i-j-k-e”
Ok, do you need to call a time out or something? Maybe huddle up with friends or family members or check your birth certificate or something? It's ok, you get one time out per call. I can wait.
....
Me: “Good morning, <company>”
SC: “Hi, is this Lisa?”
..no, no it’s no. Do I really sound like a Lisa? I’m pretty sure I don’t sound like a Lisa….unless it was like a post-op “Lisa” or something.
Zorro
There’s a new hire at 7/11 this evening….and he amuses me. He has a really thick Spanish accent so he sounds exactly like Antonio Banderas does Zorro. But he giggles at random and declares completely irrelevant information. When I handed him a $20 he declared “I receive 20 dollar!” then he giggled in a fiendish, imp like way as he put it into the till. Then to make it even more random he began humming the A&W Root Bear theme as he bagged my items.
Dinner AND a free show.
867
( After finishing his entire order. Right after I said good bye... )
SC: “Hey, do you want my name?”
Me: “….I already have your name.”
SC: “Wha? You do? What’s my name?”
Me: “Timothy Doughboy”
SC: “Oh, uh….yeah, I’ve had a few beers.”
I’d wager it was more than a few, Timothy. I’d wager there’s a liquor store somewhere phoning your license plate into the cops as we speak.
BEWBS~
SC: “How big is 3XL?”
Me: “There’s a sizing guide in the back of the catalogue."
SC: “Oh, ok…..ok so 42-44. Ok, can I order it then?”
Me: “Sure, what’s the item number?”
SC: “It’s…uh, sec let me get back to it....I was, uh, starin' at the women’s section.”
….ok. You’re not a woman. You’re not ordering something for a woman and at no point did I give you any direction to go to the women’s section. So I can only assume you were flicking back to the previous page, saw breasts, and were momentarily derailed. But it was nice of you to be honest about it….I guess.
I could be wrong of course. Maybe you haven’t been living cold and alone in the vast arctic tundra without female companionship for too long. Maybe you just saw something that was particularly appealing to your taste in fashion. Maybe it wasn’t “HOLY FROZEN BEARSHIT! BEWBS~!” so much as “Like, oh my God those hot pink pants would look SOO good on me and would so match those cute little red lace panties of mine~!”.
You did....what?
SC: “Yeah, I purchased 3 tickets from <outlet>…..but I accidentally shredded them.”
Me: “….shredded….?”
SC: “..yeah.”
…shredded….you actually fed them into a paper shredder….you never stopped and went “Oh hey, what are these? They look kind of like $250 worth of lottery tickets, not like a stack of waste paper.”? Bah, nevermind. I know I’ll never be able to get inside the dim, barely functioning mind of my callers. It’s not that there isn’t enough space in there of course. I could probably move the entire contents of my home + a mountain bike comfortably inside the vacant space and still be able to rent out the remainder as an in home suite. It’s more that I have an IQ above that of 3 day old peanut butter stuck to a butterknife in the sink and thus have no idea how to open the door into the barren mental world in which they dwell.
Backing it Up
Me: “Good evening, <company> Plumbing and Heating”
SC: “Oh, I was looking for an electrician.”
Me: “Ah, well, this is <company> Plumbing and Heating.”
SC: “Power no? Not going work, right?”
Me: “..right.”
That’s an impressive talent. I wish I could revert through some odd 200,000 years of human evolution in 5 seconds without the assistance of a critical head injury.
I also hate Direct TV
Me: “I’m sorry, but this is <company>. I have absolutely no access to your Direct TV account.”
SC: “DEN WHO'MAH SUPPOSE TA CALL BOUT MAH DIRECT TV?!"
Me: “…Direct TV?”
SC: “…oh”
I’ve pretty much reached the point where “Captain Obvious” isn’t so much sarcasm as it is part of my job description.
Service Charge
Did you seriously just call me at 3:45am to demand why the store you visited YESTERDAY AFTERNOON tried to charge you a $2 service fee to recharge your phone? Is that really important at this time in the morning? Is that really important at ALL? if it was so important why didn’t you ask them when you were there? What the Hell do you even want me to do about it? And finally: How tightly clenched are your ass cheeks if you get this riled up over a $2 service charge? I probably couldn’t pull a pin out of your butt hole with a tractor if this is any indication.
Zorro - Part 2
Root Bear Zorro was working at 7/11 again tonight except now he was a sullen, bitter, broken shell of his former self. There wasn’t even a hint of happiness or cheer in his voice and he mumbled his way through every transaction. It’s reassuring to know that it only takes a single night shift at 7/11 to completely crush a human soul.
Reconstructing the Scene
SC: “Hold on, just let me go get my card”
Me: “Sure.”
I’m going to attempt to recreate the epic journey you embarked on based upon the audio clues I overheard. You were in some sort of room to begin with, whether this was an office, living room or padded cell I’m not sure. You then left that room, moved down some sort of hallway/corridor, past what sounded like a small idling plane, or an industrial woodchipper of some sort, down a spiral staircase constructed entirely of old creaky wood and live cats, through another door and into some sort of vast structure. Perhaps a warehouse, parkade, hanger or small stadium. You then proceeded to disengage some sort of multi-stage airlock before triumphantly declaring you had located your credit card.
Personally, I just keep mine in my wallet.
I Don't Exist
SC: “What time do REAL people get in?”
Oh, I’m sorry. I was completely unaware that I was little more than a figment of your imagination. If I had known I never would have opened my mouth. I would have just stayed in the back of your mind making slowly driving you insane and attempting to convince you to strip yourself naked save a pair of dirty boxers that say "Home of the Whopper" on the front, wrap yourself in Christmas decorations and walk to the nearest police station only to drop your shorts, pull our your tinsel laden wankhose and vigorously grind it against the leg of the first officer you see.
and thus...I retreat for the holidays.
Since its the holidays, I figured I'd attach the full affect of my shift reports. As you may or may not know, every day of my reports is accompanied by questionable feline visual aids. I've maintained this cat streak at a rate of one new picture per day, for almost a year now.
So, just this once, I shall also attach the kitties that accompanied my original shift reports:
Epiphany
Tonight it became official. I’ve been going to 7/11 for way too long. It dawned on me as I was purchasing some delectable spring rolls and the girl at the register looked at me and went: “Oh, I didn’t know you liked Asian food!”.
867- Leslie
Me: “I only have that jacket in stock is small, unfortunately”
SC: “Oh, I don’t know if that’ll fit….I’m about 5’4, do you think it’d fit?”
It appears I inadvertently identified myself as “Fabulous Psychic Fashion Wizard” again instead of merely “Gravekeeper”. I need to stop doing that. While it is an impressive sounding title I cannot extrapolate your measurements based on something as vague as your height. I know I gave that impression, and for that I’m sorry. But in my defense, you’re an idiot.
Me: “If you take a look at the back of the catalogue there is a sizing guide there that can help.”
SC: “Oh, ok, great! One sec…..”
Me: “……”
SC: “There is too! Hmmm…let’s see……..I’m still not sure! How tall is the guy in the diagram?”
It appears that merely hinting at your stupidity and giving you an opportunity to correct it, thus avoiding embarrassment, has once again failed me. Yet, sadly, I’m not permitted to directly inform you that you’re an idiot. I’ll have to delicately tiptoe around the subject and hope that at some point I shed enough light on the dim, murky inner world that is your mind for you to behold it and marvel at the vast expanse of free space in which it dwells.
867 - Leslie....again
SC: “Oh hi! It’s Leslie again! Remember me?”
Yes, if merely by the fact there’s insufficient amounts of hard alcohol in the office to help me forget.
SC: “That jacket I ordered, does the hood come off? It doesn’t say its removable….”
….that’s because it’s not....
Me: “It’s not removable, no.”
SC: “Oh, does it have a zipper all the way around?”
Me: “….a zipper?”
SC: “Yeah, like, all around the collar?”
Me: “…around the collar...”
SC: “Yeah, so you can take the hood off.”
Me: “That hood isn’t removable…”
SC: “Oh, ok, cool!”
I grow weary of trying to decorate your mental Christmas tree and desperately trying to find the one bulb in the strand that's burnt out so I can get them all to light up and illuminate a friggan clue for you.
867
SC: “How much is it gonna cost?”
Me: “It comes to $142.”
SC: “Is that all? Oh ok, I could add one more item then….”
Final total: $606. Apparently 2 hats, a jacket and some jeans count as “one item”. To be fair, I too tried that logic once. The difference being I was only 4 and I was writing to Santa.
Connecting the Dots
SC: “Yeah, I use to like have this cat here in my apartment that went missing. They were looking for him for a while.”
Me: “…ok?”
SC: “Now my fridge doesn’t work.”
Me: “……....what?”
SC: “I think a fuse burnt out.”
The……wait, what? Ok how the hell did we get from point A to point B there? You somehow made the leap from one to the other. However when I attempted to follow you not only did I not make it, but I slammed my face into the far edge of the cliff and tumbled down the embankment hitting several rocks, trees and the broadside of a startled caribou on my way down into the gaping ravine of confusion.
Consumer Loyalty
( Lawyer's office )
SC: “I’ve already dealt with <client> on numerous occasions for DUIs”
….yet here you are calling him again. Numerous occasions you say? How the hell are you still wandering the streets? Isn’t there kind of a limit as to how many DUIs you can get before the lock you up? I thought it was suppose to be more like 3 strikes and less like collecting Subway stamps for a free foot long.
867
I hope you enjoy those $600 MP3 Sunglasses in your trailer who's greatest embrace of technology is a tape deck. Why? Why do you order these things? You don't even know what an MP3 is! Argh! "Because they look cool" is not a valid reason to throw down $600 when the non-mp3 version is only $120 you flannel clad lice ridden sasquatch.
Argh, it's like giving a monkey an iPod!
Brain to Mouth Filter Failing
SC: "Yeah, I just called a minute ago and you guys said to call back in 10-15 minutes to see if you found me a hotel room?"
Me: "Ok, what can I do for you?"
SC: “Well what happens if I want a drink? What happens if I head to the lounge? Do they have a courtesy phone down in the lounge?!"
Me: “No, I don't. Sorry. Seeing as I have absolutely no idea where you are.
SC: “…….that’s…a good point.”
Me: "Mhmmm."
Yes, I’m rather proud of it myself.
Simple Questions
Me: “and how do you spell your first name?”
SC: “a-m-a-r-i-j-j-e”
Me: “a-m-a-r-i-j-j-e?”
SC: “No, m-a-r-i-j-j-e.”
Me: “i-j-j-e?”
SC: “No, m-a-r-i-j-k-e”
Ok, do you need to call a time out or something? Maybe huddle up with friends or family members or check your birth certificate or something? It's ok, you get one time out per call. I can wait.
....
Me: “Good morning, <company>”
SC: “Hi, is this Lisa?”
..no, no it’s no. Do I really sound like a Lisa? I’m pretty sure I don’t sound like a Lisa….unless it was like a post-op “Lisa” or something.
Zorro
There’s a new hire at 7/11 this evening….and he amuses me. He has a really thick Spanish accent so he sounds exactly like Antonio Banderas does Zorro. But he giggles at random and declares completely irrelevant information. When I handed him a $20 he declared “I receive 20 dollar!” then he giggled in a fiendish, imp like way as he put it into the till. Then to make it even more random he began humming the A&W Root Bear theme as he bagged my items.
Dinner AND a free show.
867
( After finishing his entire order. Right after I said good bye... )
SC: “Hey, do you want my name?”
Me: “….I already have your name.”
SC: “Wha? You do? What’s my name?”
Me: “Timothy Doughboy”
SC: “Oh, uh….yeah, I’ve had a few beers.”
I’d wager it was more than a few, Timothy. I’d wager there’s a liquor store somewhere phoning your license plate into the cops as we speak.
BEWBS~
SC: “How big is 3XL?”
Me: “There’s a sizing guide in the back of the catalogue."
SC: “Oh, ok…..ok so 42-44. Ok, can I order it then?”
Me: “Sure, what’s the item number?”
SC: “It’s…uh, sec let me get back to it....I was, uh, starin' at the women’s section.”
….ok. You’re not a woman. You’re not ordering something for a woman and at no point did I give you any direction to go to the women’s section. So I can only assume you were flicking back to the previous page, saw breasts, and were momentarily derailed. But it was nice of you to be honest about it….I guess.
I could be wrong of course. Maybe you haven’t been living cold and alone in the vast arctic tundra without female companionship for too long. Maybe you just saw something that was particularly appealing to your taste in fashion. Maybe it wasn’t “HOLY FROZEN BEARSHIT! BEWBS~!” so much as “Like, oh my God those hot pink pants would look SOO good on me and would so match those cute little red lace panties of mine~!”.
You did....what?
SC: “Yeah, I purchased 3 tickets from <outlet>…..but I accidentally shredded them.”
Me: “….shredded….?”
SC: “..yeah.”
…shredded….you actually fed them into a paper shredder….you never stopped and went “Oh hey, what are these? They look kind of like $250 worth of lottery tickets, not like a stack of waste paper.”? Bah, nevermind. I know I’ll never be able to get inside the dim, barely functioning mind of my callers. It’s not that there isn’t enough space in there of course. I could probably move the entire contents of my home + a mountain bike comfortably inside the vacant space and still be able to rent out the remainder as an in home suite. It’s more that I have an IQ above that of 3 day old peanut butter stuck to a butterknife in the sink and thus have no idea how to open the door into the barren mental world in which they dwell.
Backing it Up
Me: “Good evening, <company> Plumbing and Heating”
SC: “Oh, I was looking for an electrician.”
Me: “Ah, well, this is <company> Plumbing and Heating.”
SC: “Power no? Not going work, right?”
Me: “..right.”
That’s an impressive talent. I wish I could revert through some odd 200,000 years of human evolution in 5 seconds without the assistance of a critical head injury.
I also hate Direct TV
Me: “I’m sorry, but this is <company>. I have absolutely no access to your Direct TV account.”
SC: “DEN WHO'MAH SUPPOSE TA CALL BOUT MAH DIRECT TV?!"
Me: “…Direct TV?”
SC: “…oh”
I’ve pretty much reached the point where “Captain Obvious” isn’t so much sarcasm as it is part of my job description.
Service Charge
Did you seriously just call me at 3:45am to demand why the store you visited YESTERDAY AFTERNOON tried to charge you a $2 service fee to recharge your phone? Is that really important at this time in the morning? Is that really important at ALL? if it was so important why didn’t you ask them when you were there? What the Hell do you even want me to do about it? And finally: How tightly clenched are your ass cheeks if you get this riled up over a $2 service charge? I probably couldn’t pull a pin out of your butt hole with a tractor if this is any indication.
Zorro - Part 2
Root Bear Zorro was working at 7/11 again tonight except now he was a sullen, bitter, broken shell of his former self. There wasn’t even a hint of happiness or cheer in his voice and he mumbled his way through every transaction. It’s reassuring to know that it only takes a single night shift at 7/11 to completely crush a human soul.
Reconstructing the Scene
SC: “Hold on, just let me go get my card”
Me: “Sure.”
I’m going to attempt to recreate the epic journey you embarked on based upon the audio clues I overheard. You were in some sort of room to begin with, whether this was an office, living room or padded cell I’m not sure. You then left that room, moved down some sort of hallway/corridor, past what sounded like a small idling plane, or an industrial woodchipper of some sort, down a spiral staircase constructed entirely of old creaky wood and live cats, through another door and into some sort of vast structure. Perhaps a warehouse, parkade, hanger or small stadium. You then proceeded to disengage some sort of multi-stage airlock before triumphantly declaring you had located your credit card.
Personally, I just keep mine in my wallet.
I Don't Exist
SC: “What time do REAL people get in?”
Oh, I’m sorry. I was completely unaware that I was little more than a figment of your imagination. If I had known I never would have opened my mouth. I would have just stayed in the back of your mind making slowly driving you insane and attempting to convince you to strip yourself naked save a pair of dirty boxers that say "Home of the Whopper" on the front, wrap yourself in Christmas decorations and walk to the nearest police station only to drop your shorts, pull our your tinsel laden wankhose and vigorously grind it against the leg of the first officer you see.
and thus...I retreat for the holidays.
. Of all the jobs I've had doing customer service, I've had tons of SC's like you wouldn't believe. The rules and the morale in the company sucked ass, and the high restrictions and constant scrutiny (I worked in a call center) were ridiculous. The worst part was how disorganized and convoluted the departments were (along with the shitty pay and hours). I left that dump a month ago and I'm never coming back there again and they can kiss it where the sun doesn't shine!
Comment