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I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I've got some good ones for you. I may not be as witty as Kara, but I'll try 
Me – Call Center Ninja Extraordinaire
SC – Well…you know.
“Screw” you man!
SC: What’s going on with this bill, you people are trying to screw me!
Me: We’ll let’s take a look at the charges.
SC: I feel like I’m getting screwed every time I open my bill, that’s your company does, you screw people!
Me: Well if we look over these charges I think you’ll find…
SC: Like what’s this, data charges! I don’t have any data on my phone, you see this? You screwed me again!
Me: Actually sir those charges are for…
SC: I can get better service with T-mobile…and they won’t screw me!
Me: Sir if you just give me a minute I can explain…
SC: Forget it, I’m tired of being screwed, I’ve had enough of this! *CLICK*
Did you get that kids? The word of the day today is…...
Lost phone, shattered dreams
SC: I have a charge for a phone on my bill, I need that taken off, I have no idea where that phone is.
Me: Was it lost somehow?
SC: Well you sent it to my billing address which is where my mom lives, not the address I’m at right now. When I realized it was there, I tried to get it from her, but someone in her building must have gotten ahold of it and stolen it, so I have no way to get it.
Me: I see here it was a $550 PDA phone.
SC: Yeah, this charge has been on my bill for months and I need it removed because the phone is completely gone.
Me: Well usually to get a phone credited back we do need the device returned to us.
SC: That’s what I’ve been told, but I don’t have the phone to send back, if I had it I would gladly return it, but it was lost because you guys got the shipping address wrong.
Me: We do not allow alternate shipping addresses, only the billing address is acceptable.
SC: I moved months ago, I just keep forgetting to give you guys my new address.
Me: I apologize for the inconvenience you’ve had, but we cannot credit your account for a phone without having the device sent back.
SC: Oh come on, you’re a huge company, just give me a break on this one, it’d be a good write off for you. (Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….No)
Me: Any credit of that size would have to be approved by a Supervisor and I can tell you right now that none will approve it.
SC: We’ll see about that, get me a Supervisor please.
Me: Certainly.
And of course my awesome sup got on the line and told her she was SOL. Sorry folks, we don’t credit back for your own stupidity. We’d be bankrupt if we did.
The master debater
Me: [standard opening spiel]
SC: (sarcastic) Oh can I please listen to some more of that hold music? I truly was enjoying it!
Me: No sir, [repeat standard greeting]
SC: Where are you located Steve?
Me: This call center is in Canada, sir.
SC: Canada! Well how about that, I’ve been from the Philippines, to India, to the U.S., back to India and so far no one can solve my problem. What’s your ID number?
Me: [gives number]
(silence)
SC: Ok, My cell number is xxx-xxx-xxxx…now what can I do for you today? Oh wait, you’re supposed to ask ME that!
Me: And what were you calling in about?
SC: Well why don’t you look at my account and see if you can tell me why I am calling in. Take all the time you need. I imagine like most folks that work there you aren’t very well educated, so this may take awhile.
Me: Well I’ll try my best…(I look through the account and near as I can tell he wants credit for something, but he’s gotten credit out his backside for the past two months)
SC: Do you feel like your in prison Steve? Do you feel like an inmate? Whenever I call in to this company I can’t help but feel like I’m dealing with the lowest form of humanity there is…do you believe mental patients have rights?
Me: Uh, excuse me?
SC: Well I imagine what you work in could be similar to an asylum, you know a bunch of mentally impaired people who don’t really know what the deal is and aren’t all there to begin with and yet unlike similar folks who are in treatment facilities, you get to spend your days making life miserable for people like me.
Me: I try to do my job as best as I can sir, I’ve been reviewing your account here and…
SC: Did you figure it out yet? I bet you didn’t!
Me: Why don’t you just tell me what the issue is?
SC: Where’s the fun in that? Go on, keep looking, you’ll find out sooner or later.
Me: It would make it easier for both of us if you would tell me.
SC: I know but I’m not in much of an easy mood today Steve, I want to make you earn your paycheck…which given the quality of employees there is imagine not much, since anyone with intelligence enough to do your job competently has found better paying employment elsewhere. What do you think it’s like at the centers in India? Do you think outsourcing helps America or hurts America?
Me: I really don’t have much an opinion, the only thing I see in this acct may be that there are some credits you are waiting on.
SC: Well, you’re halfway there, now are you going to take it the rest of the way or do you think maybe you should just send me to a supervisor right now. Or maybe you could put me on hold again, I’d love to hear some more of that great music!
Me: (anger boiling over, teeth clenched) One moment sir. (flag down sup)
So the Sup gets on the call and I listen nearby, I hear the words “inmate” and “prisoners” from my Sup and him repeatedly asking the caller what he wants. It ended by my sup saying no credit due and disconnecting.
ARRRGH! This guy was one of the MOST aggravating callers I’ve ever had and believe me, I’ve had a few. I feel sorry for any rep, past or future, that’s had to deal with that.
You “deserve” something…
SC: I’ve been told I can only get $75 upgrade credit towards a new phone since it’s only been about a year since my last upgrade, but I’ve really been wanting to upgrade to a Blackberry.
Me: I do see here you won’t be eligible for a higher rebate until next Summer.
SC: Any way you can speed that up a bit?
Me: I have no way to override the system sir, but I do see you’ve had a good history with us so I could offer an additional $50 off the phone for total savings of $125
SC: So in other words I would get ONLY (his emphasis) $125 off a nearly $500 phone??
Me: That’s correct sir, since it hasn’t been very long since your last upgrade there’s not a lot more that can be done.
SC: Well I’ve been talking with AT&T and they’ve offered to match the plan I have with you guys and give me a great deal on a Blackberry.
Me: If you wish to switch providers that is your choice, but I can’t really offer you a better deal.
SC: I’ve been with you for 3 years and I’ve been a good customer, I think I deserve a free Blackberry.
(Ok buddy, you expect us to give you a $500+ smart phone FREE? FAT chance. New customers have to pay around $250, even if we cut you an extra break you’re still looking at $150+)
Me: We appreciate your business sir, but unfortunately we can not give you a free Blackberry simply because you’ve been with us for several years.
SC: AT&T will give me a free Blackberry. (Will AT&T also shove a live monkey up your ass? I mean it seems they are willing to do anything to sign you up, why not see how far they’ll go?)
NOTE: I highly doubt AT&T would have offered him a free Blackberry. Like I said, they are $500+ phones.
Me: Unfortunately we can not offer the same.
SC: Fine then, your company has just lost another customer. *CLICK*
I can not STAND people who believe that companies are willing to throw free cell phones at them ALL THE TIME. Understand something, the free phone is designed to get you under contract, once you are SIGNED, you have to wait awhile for more discounts. I also can’t stand customers who tell me they “deserve” something, the only thing these customers deserve is a swift kick to the nuts.
PEBPG Error [Problem Exists Between Phone and Ground]
SC: How could I have used so many minutes last month?
Me: Well I do see a few long calls here, like this one to number xxx-xxx-xxxx
SC: That number is from [your company], I have mobile to mobile in my plan!
Me: Yes, but this call was made while the phone was roaming.
SC: Yeah, so what’s your point?
Me: Mobile to Mobile does not apply while roaming.
SC: Well I have unlimited roaming in my plan too so I STILL shouldn’t have been charged!
Me: You weren’t charged any extra for roaming, but when you make mobile to mobile calls while roaming it DOES use your plan minutes up.
SC: How can that be when I have roaming in my plan?
Me: Sir, if you did not have roaming you would be charge 0.69/minute for roaming calls, but you do not pay that since roaming is included in your plan. However, the mobile to mobile only applies when you are on our networks.
SC: That’s stupid! It should apply all the time if I am calling numbers with [your company]
Me: While that does make sense, there’s no way that our competitors would ever choose to honor our mobile to mobile option. That would be like Burger King asking Mcdonald’s to start serving the Whopper. Therefore, calls made to other numbers from our company while roaming will use up plan minutes.
SC: Other companies honor their mobile to mobile all the damn time! Maybe I’ll switch to one of them!
Me: I do not believe that is true sir, but if you want to cancel that’s your choice.
SC: *scoff* You’re damned right it is and I’m making it, I’m done with this crooked company, cancel my damned account!
They don’t pay enough to deal with these folks, seriously.
Me – Call Center Ninja Extraordinaire
SC – Well…you know.
“Screw” you man!
SC: What’s going on with this bill, you people are trying to screw me!
Me: We’ll let’s take a look at the charges.
SC: I feel like I’m getting screwed every time I open my bill, that’s your company does, you screw people!
Me: Well if we look over these charges I think you’ll find…
SC: Like what’s this, data charges! I don’t have any data on my phone, you see this? You screwed me again!
Me: Actually sir those charges are for…
SC: I can get better service with T-mobile…and they won’t screw me!
Me: Sir if you just give me a minute I can explain…
SC: Forget it, I’m tired of being screwed, I’ve had enough of this! *CLICK*
Did you get that kids? The word of the day today is…...
Lost phone, shattered dreams
SC: I have a charge for a phone on my bill, I need that taken off, I have no idea where that phone is.
Me: Was it lost somehow?
SC: Well you sent it to my billing address which is where my mom lives, not the address I’m at right now. When I realized it was there, I tried to get it from her, but someone in her building must have gotten ahold of it and stolen it, so I have no way to get it.
Me: I see here it was a $550 PDA phone.
SC: Yeah, this charge has been on my bill for months and I need it removed because the phone is completely gone.
Me: Well usually to get a phone credited back we do need the device returned to us.
SC: That’s what I’ve been told, but I don’t have the phone to send back, if I had it I would gladly return it, but it was lost because you guys got the shipping address wrong.
Me: We do not allow alternate shipping addresses, only the billing address is acceptable.
SC: I moved months ago, I just keep forgetting to give you guys my new address.
Me: I apologize for the inconvenience you’ve had, but we cannot credit your account for a phone without having the device sent back.
SC: Oh come on, you’re a huge company, just give me a break on this one, it’d be a good write off for you. (Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha….No)
Me: Any credit of that size would have to be approved by a Supervisor and I can tell you right now that none will approve it.
SC: We’ll see about that, get me a Supervisor please.
Me: Certainly.
And of course my awesome sup got on the line and told her she was SOL. Sorry folks, we don’t credit back for your own stupidity. We’d be bankrupt if we did.
The master debater
Me: [standard opening spiel]
SC: (sarcastic) Oh can I please listen to some more of that hold music? I truly was enjoying it!
Me: No sir, [repeat standard greeting]
SC: Where are you located Steve?
Me: This call center is in Canada, sir.
SC: Canada! Well how about that, I’ve been from the Philippines, to India, to the U.S., back to India and so far no one can solve my problem. What’s your ID number?
Me: [gives number]
(silence)
SC: Ok, My cell number is xxx-xxx-xxxx…now what can I do for you today? Oh wait, you’re supposed to ask ME that!
Me: And what were you calling in about?
SC: Well why don’t you look at my account and see if you can tell me why I am calling in. Take all the time you need. I imagine like most folks that work there you aren’t very well educated, so this may take awhile.
Me: Well I’ll try my best…(I look through the account and near as I can tell he wants credit for something, but he’s gotten credit out his backside for the past two months)
SC: Do you feel like your in prison Steve? Do you feel like an inmate? Whenever I call in to this company I can’t help but feel like I’m dealing with the lowest form of humanity there is…do you believe mental patients have rights?
Me: Uh, excuse me?
SC: Well I imagine what you work in could be similar to an asylum, you know a bunch of mentally impaired people who don’t really know what the deal is and aren’t all there to begin with and yet unlike similar folks who are in treatment facilities, you get to spend your days making life miserable for people like me.
Me: I try to do my job as best as I can sir, I’ve been reviewing your account here and…
SC: Did you figure it out yet? I bet you didn’t!
Me: Why don’t you just tell me what the issue is?
SC: Where’s the fun in that? Go on, keep looking, you’ll find out sooner or later.
Me: It would make it easier for both of us if you would tell me.
SC: I know but I’m not in much of an easy mood today Steve, I want to make you earn your paycheck…which given the quality of employees there is imagine not much, since anyone with intelligence enough to do your job competently has found better paying employment elsewhere. What do you think it’s like at the centers in India? Do you think outsourcing helps America or hurts America?
Me: I really don’t have much an opinion, the only thing I see in this acct may be that there are some credits you are waiting on.
SC: Well, you’re halfway there, now are you going to take it the rest of the way or do you think maybe you should just send me to a supervisor right now. Or maybe you could put me on hold again, I’d love to hear some more of that great music!
Me: (anger boiling over, teeth clenched) One moment sir. (flag down sup)
So the Sup gets on the call and I listen nearby, I hear the words “inmate” and “prisoners” from my Sup and him repeatedly asking the caller what he wants. It ended by my sup saying no credit due and disconnecting.
ARRRGH! This guy was one of the MOST aggravating callers I’ve ever had and believe me, I’ve had a few. I feel sorry for any rep, past or future, that’s had to deal with that.
You “deserve” something…
SC: I’ve been told I can only get $75 upgrade credit towards a new phone since it’s only been about a year since my last upgrade, but I’ve really been wanting to upgrade to a Blackberry.
Me: I do see here you won’t be eligible for a higher rebate until next Summer.
SC: Any way you can speed that up a bit?
Me: I have no way to override the system sir, but I do see you’ve had a good history with us so I could offer an additional $50 off the phone for total savings of $125
SC: So in other words I would get ONLY (his emphasis) $125 off a nearly $500 phone??
Me: That’s correct sir, since it hasn’t been very long since your last upgrade there’s not a lot more that can be done.
SC: Well I’ve been talking with AT&T and they’ve offered to match the plan I have with you guys and give me a great deal on a Blackberry.
Me: If you wish to switch providers that is your choice, but I can’t really offer you a better deal.
SC: I’ve been with you for 3 years and I’ve been a good customer, I think I deserve a free Blackberry.
(Ok buddy, you expect us to give you a $500+ smart phone FREE? FAT chance. New customers have to pay around $250, even if we cut you an extra break you’re still looking at $150+)
Me: We appreciate your business sir, but unfortunately we can not give you a free Blackberry simply because you’ve been with us for several years.
SC: AT&T will give me a free Blackberry. (Will AT&T also shove a live monkey up your ass? I mean it seems they are willing to do anything to sign you up, why not see how far they’ll go?)
NOTE: I highly doubt AT&T would have offered him a free Blackberry. Like I said, they are $500+ phones.
Me: Unfortunately we can not offer the same.
SC: Fine then, your company has just lost another customer. *CLICK*
I can not STAND people who believe that companies are willing to throw free cell phones at them ALL THE TIME. Understand something, the free phone is designed to get you under contract, once you are SIGNED, you have to wait awhile for more discounts. I also can’t stand customers who tell me they “deserve” something, the only thing these customers deserve is a swift kick to the nuts.
PEBPG Error [Problem Exists Between Phone and Ground]
SC: How could I have used so many minutes last month?
Me: Well I do see a few long calls here, like this one to number xxx-xxx-xxxx
SC: That number is from [your company], I have mobile to mobile in my plan!
Me: Yes, but this call was made while the phone was roaming.
SC: Yeah, so what’s your point?
Me: Mobile to Mobile does not apply while roaming.
SC: Well I have unlimited roaming in my plan too so I STILL shouldn’t have been charged!
Me: You weren’t charged any extra for roaming, but when you make mobile to mobile calls while roaming it DOES use your plan minutes up.
SC: How can that be when I have roaming in my plan?
Me: Sir, if you did not have roaming you would be charge 0.69/minute for roaming calls, but you do not pay that since roaming is included in your plan. However, the mobile to mobile only applies when you are on our networks.
SC: That’s stupid! It should apply all the time if I am calling numbers with [your company]
Me: While that does make sense, there’s no way that our competitors would ever choose to honor our mobile to mobile option. That would be like Burger King asking Mcdonald’s to start serving the Whopper. Therefore, calls made to other numbers from our company while roaming will use up plan minutes.
SC: Other companies honor their mobile to mobile all the damn time! Maybe I’ll switch to one of them!
Me: I do not believe that is true sir, but if you want to cancel that’s your choice.
SC: *scoff* You’re damned right it is and I’m making it, I’m done with this crooked company, cancel my damned account!
They don’t pay enough to deal with these folks, seriously.
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