SC's Guide to Supermarket Shopping

[Becks]

SUCKY CUSTOMERS GUIDE TO SUPERMARKET SHOPPING

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!

3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for
choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.

7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.

9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life.

10. Don't forget rule NO. 8

11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.

12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite-- but you don't have to.

13. When the store is not busy and there is only one checkstand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being
tricked into the wrong one.

14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their
SOMETHING keys very often.

[smalltownclerk]

15. The clerk really doesn't need to see your ID, the clerk is just nosy to see your terrible picture on the ID, because EVERYONE knows you at this store so there's no reason to see your ID.

16. Be sure to let your teething child chew on an item and then take it directly from their mouth, dripping with saliva, and give it to the clerk to scan.

17. Remember rule No. 8

18. You know that the clerk is just plain mean.

[ladyklack]

19. Allow your kid to rearrange all the check out candy, that way the clerk will have something to do and not be bored in his/her down time.

20. Carefully count out your exact change coin by coin, the people in line behind you will be impressed at how meticulous you are.

21. Wait until after the clerk has totaled your order before you hand over your coupons.

22. Remember rule #8

23. After you have been handed your receipt stand there, don't give up your space in line, until you've read over every item and mentally totaled it up to make sure you weren't over charged.

[trunks2k]

23. After you have been handed your receipt stand there, don't give up your space in line, until you've read over every item and mentally totaled it up to make sure you weren't over charged.

23a. Or even better, put items on the belt one at a time. Do not put the next item on the belt until you have checked the price it rung up at. This way the cashier doesn't go too fast for the machine. To be doubly sure, stand all the way at the end of the belt to give the computer time to get ready for the next item as it moves down the belt.

[MadMike]

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

You forgot one very important part of this rule: When borrowing the cashier's pen, just reach across him/her and the register and take it, rather than asking. In fact, feel free to keep it if you like, even if it is the cashier's own personal pen.

[Ljt09863]

24a. don't forget, if you break something, don't feel the need to find an employee to clean it up. they really like playing Find The Mess.

24b. also, if you or your child breaks something in front of an employee, don't forget to remind the employee that its their job to clean it up. positive reinforcement such as that always helps out the employees!

25. DON'T FORGET RULE NUMBER 8!

26. if you can't remember the name of the product, just give a vague description. all cashiers and employees of the supermarket are certified psychics.

[ginlyn32]

27) If you don't want something, just stick it on the magazine rack or in the bin with all the flip-flops...even if it is ice cream or hamburger. The store can stand the loss.

28) Always drag your small children to the store when they are hungry/dirty/tired. Other customers and store employees just LOVE to hear little Brattley and Pwesous scream all the way through the store that "they are huuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrryyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

29) Allow your children to run through the store unsupervised and then get mad at store employees when they tell your kid NOT to knock clothes of racks or steal food.

30) Remember rule #8!

[Dark Psion]

31 Remember, you time is important, so you do not have time to decide if you want something while you are shopping. Just throw everything in your cart and decide what you want to keep at the check out.

32 Bagging and loading your cart is a game, like Tetris. Keep reranging you bags till you beat your previous high score.

33 It is not your job to keep track how much you have in your cart. If the final total is more than you expected (or have), the cashier most likely mess up and charged you too much for something.

34 If it doesn't scan it is free!!!

35 If it does scan, it is wrong!!!

36 Or is should be on sale!!!

[Lace Neil Singer]

37. Brighten up the cashier's day by using one of these witty phrases:
a) "You look bored!"
b) "Made it this morning!"
c) "Not on the system? It must be free!"

38. Remember rule number 8!

39. That closed sign on the end of the cashier's till doesn't apply to you, it applies to everyone else BUT you. The cashier will be happy to serve you, as they don't really want to go home/go to lunch. They, after all, live to serve.

40. Always claim that a product is buy one get one free, even if the offer on the shelf refers to a different brand. It's still coffee, dammit!

[South Texan]

41. If your check or debit/credit card is declined, and even though you know that it is because your credit stinks and you have seventeen outstanding hot checks and an overdrawn balance; cop a shocked, dismayed, outraged attitude anyway and tell the clerk emphatically that there is no reason for the decline as you have money in your account and always have paid all your bills on time. The clerk will take your word for it (since the customer is always right) and will push a special, magic button that overrides the computer and authorizes the transaction.

42. ALWAYS remember Rule #8.

[SongsOfDragons]

43. When there's a sign on the door saying 'Only Two Schoolchildren Allowed In Shop At A Time' this never means you. Not even if you are in full uniform.

44. Coupons are always taken, regardless of the date they have on them.

45. If you're so super uber-cool enough to be able to make your own money, use it!! Naaaw, the cashier won't notice, not even when the gold colouring starts rubbing off in her hands.

46. The pic'n'mix aisles are ample for letting your kids play and eat. The open drawers of sweets are just waiting for you to sample their chocolatey goodness. Even the melty Lindor balls and the double-the-price Jellybeans.

47. It's perfectly all right to swear, be sexist, ageist, classist or racist, or insult their parents or education to the cashier in full prescense of the rest of the store. It's the way to getting what you want. Security are there to protect YOU from the mad, psychotic, thieving workers!!!

48. For the love of God and you country, don't forget Rule #8!! They're turning it into an offence now, y'know.

[Pinkie]

#49. When having a large party, wait until the last minute to order your deli party trays, so that the deli crew can have a little excitement in their day. If they tell you that it's going to take a few hours, don't forget to scream and throw a fit, demanding that the trays be finished in 10 minutes and that you should get them for free because you had to wait!

#50 God forbid you forget rule #8.....that would be a sin!

[Lace Neil Singer]

51. The cashiers are always responsible for the queues. Don't forget to tell them off if queues are horrendous; how will they ever learn if you don't tell them?

52. Write down rule 8, just in case you forget it.

53. If the cashier refuses to take your card cuz you don't have a chip and it isn't signed, then call for a supervisor cuz the cashier is being ridiculous insisting that he/she needs identification. After all, it's your card, you and they know that and they're just being petty. If the supervisor takes the cashier's side, ask for the manager.

54. "Baskets Only" is a suggestion, not a rule.

55. If you see something you want for cheaper which isn't reduced, feel free to take a reduced sticker off another product and put it on your chosen item. After all, you deserve to get things cheaper.

[mrtauntaun]

56. Don't bother with reading any of those pesky signs, they are obviously there for decorative purposes only and are meant for other people, not you.

57. When purchasing less than 2 (two) items, always pay with a $100 bill. The store loves making change, they have endless money.

58. Please please PLEASE never forget Rule #8! But in the event you do, make up for it on your next visit by using it multiple times. Repeat it frequently if required.

[chainedbarista]

59. when ordering an item, always always ALWAYS be as vague as possible; cashiers love guessing games-they can even read minds sometimes! nothing helps their empty day pass by quite like five minutes of 'guess what i'm thinking?'