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I just got off the phone with this woman...SHE wasn't the SC. She was just about as much a victim in this as anyone was.
**Warning, technical explanation ahead**
First, for the background explanation, our newspaper has two different styles of obituaries we run...I handle the "free" style. We get these from the funeral homes or rarely from the family. This one I do recall came to us from a funeral home. There is a very specific format we use for these...very strict language, limits on content, etc., that only very, VERY rarely is deviated from, and only then under word from the editor or higher. These are still pretty generous, considering some newspapers don't even have free formats and others only put a two or three sentence blurb, we write several paragraphs about the person's background, survivors, services, memorials, etc.
When a layperson (not a funeral home) calls to ask about these, we give them very specific instructions on how the free format works. Usually, we can only list ten survivors by name...HOWEVER, if the deceased has more immediate family...which we count as parents, current spouses, children, siblings, and surviving grandparents, great-grandparents, and step/legally adopted versions of all the above...then we list ALL those names. If you have both parents, stepparents, a wife, 11 kids, 14 siblings, all your grandparents, etc., still alive, they are all named. However, in-laws are not counted, family friends are not counted, and grandchildren are usually listed by number only. If the name count is under ten, then you can put whoever you want up to the ten-name limit (EXCEPT for pets).
It all sounds very technical, yes, but we HAVE to be this specific with people or it just causes everyone problems later down the road. Also, all the funeral homes we work with on a regular basis know our policies explicitly and THEY explain them in great detail as well. If they don't, we will step on their heads and they know it.
The only thing to know about "paid" obituaries is this...if they give us money for space in our paper, they can do whatever they want to with it. If they want to write a lovely poem about their loved ones, or if they want us to print five inches of "HURGLEBURGLESNORT", they can have it. So long as it's not obscene or illegal, people who give us money can print anything they want, as many times as they want, so long as they pay for it. We want their money and we're not picky about how we get it.
**End technical description**
Anyway, I just took a phone call from a very upset woman. A few days ago, we handled a free obit for a 14-year-old girl who was killed in a car accident. I remember the obit, it was from our top funeral home, had all the standard information, with NINE names listed for survivors, met all the qualifications, no problems with it, so it ran as was. However, the phone call I received was from the girl's biological mother. Apparently, her sister, the adoptive mother, was listed, and she was not. Don't know the dynamics of the family or anything, just how it worked. She asked me to explain the obit policy, so I basically told her all of the above.
Turned out, however, that her SISTER had told her something completely different...that SHE had called the paper and been told that there was no allowing for biological vs. adoptive mothers, and only one could be listed. When the bio-mom asked whether she might still be listed as a special friend or even an aunt, which would have been perfectly allowable since she would have been name ten. However, her sister told her, that the paper told HER (sister), that they could not do that, as we were specific with her that we could only do "real" relatives. She also told her that the format she was using was a paid one, and that since it had been run, we would not run another, no matter what.
SO, to sum up...not only did this woman deny her own SISTER to be listed in her biological daughter's obituary, even just as a "special friend" (we're not talking splitting the estate here, we're just talking about five words in a newspaper), she tried to fob the blame onto US by deliberately lying about all our policies, taking credit for what would have been a $200 obituary when she did no such thing, and tried to deny to her sister that she could run her own obituary by trying to tell her we would not run it because of some bizarre dislike of making money.
Usually, I would be skeptical of this claim, but this woman was very obviously upset, several times fighting back tears, had her facts in order otherwise, and, most importantly, she didn't try to blame ME. She very matter-of-factly asked for what she wanted, listened while I explained, and then told me her situation and why she was asking. In other words, she acted like a human being, which goes a long way in establishing credibility with me. Not to mention when I told her the insane price for running a paid ad in her our paper (it's extravagantly high, even the employees here think so), she replied "Money is no object to me right now. I just want to be acknowledged."
So, I informed the woman of our policies in no uncertain terms, and she immediately asked to be transferred to the paid department so she could buy an ad and run her own obituary for her daughter. She's still talking to them right now.
I just don't get how people can be SO stupid and evil to their own family. I don't know, maybe this woman was a sociopath under the surface, maybe she was a total evil haint. But then again, this isn't the first time I've been involved in a family feud over an obituary and I can usually tell the signs pretty well. And the person who lies about what WE told them is not the one who gets my belief.
**Warning, technical explanation ahead**
First, for the background explanation, our newspaper has two different styles of obituaries we run...I handle the "free" style. We get these from the funeral homes or rarely from the family. This one I do recall came to us from a funeral home. There is a very specific format we use for these...very strict language, limits on content, etc., that only very, VERY rarely is deviated from, and only then under word from the editor or higher. These are still pretty generous, considering some newspapers don't even have free formats and others only put a two or three sentence blurb, we write several paragraphs about the person's background, survivors, services, memorials, etc.
When a layperson (not a funeral home) calls to ask about these, we give them very specific instructions on how the free format works. Usually, we can only list ten survivors by name...HOWEVER, if the deceased has more immediate family...which we count as parents, current spouses, children, siblings, and surviving grandparents, great-grandparents, and step/legally adopted versions of all the above...then we list ALL those names. If you have both parents, stepparents, a wife, 11 kids, 14 siblings, all your grandparents, etc., still alive, they are all named. However, in-laws are not counted, family friends are not counted, and grandchildren are usually listed by number only. If the name count is under ten, then you can put whoever you want up to the ten-name limit (EXCEPT for pets).
It all sounds very technical, yes, but we HAVE to be this specific with people or it just causes everyone problems later down the road. Also, all the funeral homes we work with on a regular basis know our policies explicitly and THEY explain them in great detail as well. If they don't, we will step on their heads and they know it.
The only thing to know about "paid" obituaries is this...if they give us money for space in our paper, they can do whatever they want to with it. If they want to write a lovely poem about their loved ones, or if they want us to print five inches of "HURGLEBURGLESNORT", they can have it. So long as it's not obscene or illegal, people who give us money can print anything they want, as many times as they want, so long as they pay for it. We want their money and we're not picky about how we get it.
**End technical description**
Anyway, I just took a phone call from a very upset woman. A few days ago, we handled a free obit for a 14-year-old girl who was killed in a car accident. I remember the obit, it was from our top funeral home, had all the standard information, with NINE names listed for survivors, met all the qualifications, no problems with it, so it ran as was. However, the phone call I received was from the girl's biological mother. Apparently, her sister, the adoptive mother, was listed, and she was not. Don't know the dynamics of the family or anything, just how it worked. She asked me to explain the obit policy, so I basically told her all of the above.
Turned out, however, that her SISTER had told her something completely different...that SHE had called the paper and been told that there was no allowing for biological vs. adoptive mothers, and only one could be listed. When the bio-mom asked whether she might still be listed as a special friend or even an aunt, which would have been perfectly allowable since she would have been name ten. However, her sister told her, that the paper told HER (sister), that they could not do that, as we were specific with her that we could only do "real" relatives. She also told her that the format she was using was a paid one, and that since it had been run, we would not run another, no matter what.
SO, to sum up...not only did this woman deny her own SISTER to be listed in her biological daughter's obituary, even just as a "special friend" (we're not talking splitting the estate here, we're just talking about five words in a newspaper), she tried to fob the blame onto US by deliberately lying about all our policies, taking credit for what would have been a $200 obituary when she did no such thing, and tried to deny to her sister that she could run her own obituary by trying to tell her we would not run it because of some bizarre dislike of making money.
Usually, I would be skeptical of this claim, but this woman was very obviously upset, several times fighting back tears, had her facts in order otherwise, and, most importantly, she didn't try to blame ME. She very matter-of-factly asked for what she wanted, listened while I explained, and then told me her situation and why she was asking. In other words, she acted like a human being, which goes a long way in establishing credibility with me. Not to mention when I told her the insane price for running a paid ad in her our paper (it's extravagantly high, even the employees here think so), she replied "Money is no object to me right now. I just want to be acknowledged."
So, I informed the woman of our policies in no uncertain terms, and she immediately asked to be transferred to the paid department so she could buy an ad and run her own obituary for her daughter. She's still talking to them right now.
I just don't get how people can be SO stupid and evil to their own family. I don't know, maybe this woman was a sociopath under the surface, maybe she was a total evil haint. But then again, this isn't the first time I've been involved in a family feud over an obituary and I can usually tell the signs pretty well. And the person who lies about what WE told them is not the one who gets my belief.
Definitely a cause for scorn and revile...
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