Tweet
Dear sawed-off, stained Flowmaster hat-wearing, shit-for-brains grease monkey and his shriveled up battle axe of a mother:
When purchasing furniture at my store, you will notice some big bold letters at the top of your pull tag. They spell "Take one tag for each item you purchase." All one and two-syllable words so really not all that challenging. It means if you want to purchase one item, you take (Follow me closely here!)...one tag. If you want two items, you take (Pay attention!) two tags. If you want to buy three items, you take (Damn it, I'm only going to say this once!) three tags. And so on. This is because the number of tags with each display is equal to the number of that item we have in backstock to sell. If there's only one tag, it most likely means we only have one item available for sale.
Yet somehow, this proved to be too difficult of a concept for you to manage. For you took the one pull tag for the end table you wanted, and requested two at the register, because we're running a buy-one-get-one-free sale on the end tables. You are completely, irredeemably and stupendously stupid. Just when I thought I had reached the bottom of the pit of customer stupidity, you got out the TNT and the C-4 and had a gay old time. Seriously, if I were to clone both of you 100 times, there might be enough intelligence among all the clones to count up to 4. I emphasize the word "might", because I'd put money on it not happening.
The fact that you then decided to tear me a new asshole over something that was YOUR mistake anyway makes you complete and total throbbing, itching, flaming, infected hemorrhoids on the asscheeks of humanity. I cannot pull your "fucking" end table out of my +5 Rectum of Infinite Holding because I do not have one. But rest assured if I did, I wouldn't go crawling up there for you.
You then decided to lie and claim there were more tags with the display. Ha. I went through the entire department and counted all the furniture in backstock and checked all the tags to make sure the counts matched up this morning. I took you over to the department because I was looking forward to an upcoming dawning moment of complete mental devastation. Instead you had another vocal ejaculation "That's false advertising! You need to take down the signs!" you brayed at me. I've heard the false advertising horseshit before, and much like every other person who threw that line at me, you don't have a clue what you're talking about. So scoop up all that garbage that just dribbled from your lips and ram it up your ass. I can assure you, your knowledge of the law begins and ends with the Miranda rights.
And it was soooooo cute how you thought you devastated me by hollering "We're never shopping here again." Like I'd get down on my hands and knees and tearfully plead for you to give us another chance. Whatever. Feel free to do all your shopping at Wally World from now on. It will be the thrill of my life if I never have to see you two darkening our doorstep ever again.
In closing, screw you and the rusty, fume-belching, Confederate flag bumper sticker- bearing pickup truck you rode here in.
No love but much sincerity,
Me
P.S.--There's a reason why they require blood tests to get married. Try sleeping with people who aren't in your immediate family.
P.P.S--And please try bathing in something other than cigarette smoke. May I suggest water? For best results add shampoo and soap.
P.P.P.S--Can I show you two our wide selection of pink camouflage clothing? They would look rather...fitting on you two.
P.P.P.P.S--
When purchasing furniture at my store, you will notice some big bold letters at the top of your pull tag. They spell "Take one tag for each item you purchase." All one and two-syllable words so really not all that challenging. It means if you want to purchase one item, you take (Follow me closely here!)...one tag. If you want two items, you take (Pay attention!) two tags. If you want to buy three items, you take (Damn it, I'm only going to say this once!) three tags. And so on. This is because the number of tags with each display is equal to the number of that item we have in backstock to sell. If there's only one tag, it most likely means we only have one item available for sale.
Yet somehow, this proved to be too difficult of a concept for you to manage. For you took the one pull tag for the end table you wanted, and requested two at the register, because we're running a buy-one-get-one-free sale on the end tables. You are completely, irredeemably and stupendously stupid. Just when I thought I had reached the bottom of the pit of customer stupidity, you got out the TNT and the C-4 and had a gay old time. Seriously, if I were to clone both of you 100 times, there might be enough intelligence among all the clones to count up to 4. I emphasize the word "might", because I'd put money on it not happening.
The fact that you then decided to tear me a new asshole over something that was YOUR mistake anyway makes you complete and total throbbing, itching, flaming, infected hemorrhoids on the asscheeks of humanity. I cannot pull your "fucking" end table out of my +5 Rectum of Infinite Holding because I do not have one. But rest assured if I did, I wouldn't go crawling up there for you.
You then decided to lie and claim there were more tags with the display. Ha. I went through the entire department and counted all the furniture in backstock and checked all the tags to make sure the counts matched up this morning. I took you over to the department because I was looking forward to an upcoming dawning moment of complete mental devastation. Instead you had another vocal ejaculation "That's false advertising! You need to take down the signs!" you brayed at me. I've heard the false advertising horseshit before, and much like every other person who threw that line at me, you don't have a clue what you're talking about. So scoop up all that garbage that just dribbled from your lips and ram it up your ass. I can assure you, your knowledge of the law begins and ends with the Miranda rights.
And it was soooooo cute how you thought you devastated me by hollering "We're never shopping here again." Like I'd get down on my hands and knees and tearfully plead for you to give us another chance. Whatever. Feel free to do all your shopping at Wally World from now on. It will be the thrill of my life if I never have to see you two darkening our doorstep ever again.
In closing, screw you and the rusty, fume-belching, Confederate flag bumper sticker- bearing pickup truck you rode here in.
No love but much sincerity,
Me
P.S.--There's a reason why they require blood tests to get married. Try sleeping with people who aren't in your immediate family.
P.P.S--And please try bathing in something other than cigarette smoke. May I suggest water? For best results add shampoo and soap.
P.P.P.S--Can I show you two our wide selection of pink camouflage clothing? They would look rather...fitting on you two.
P.P.P.P.S--
of Pernicious Perforation.
Comment