A Love Letter To Piglet ( Epic Length )

[AdminAssistant]

I

Me: “and your first name?”
SC: “Silvia”
Me: “Ok, i-“
SC: “IT IS I!”
Me: “…ok.”
Me: “Ok, and your postal code?”
SC: “XXX XXX”
Me: “In Vancouver?”
SC: “Yes, that’s V-A-N-C-O-U-V-E-R”
Me: “Ok, a-“
SC: “IT IS I!”

I would've had to reply, "Batman? The Lone Ranger? Hercules? Which mythical hero are we talking about here?"

This is a lovely start to my day.

[smileyeagle1021]

Options

Me: “Good evening, <company>“
SC: “Is this Surrey Memorial Hospital?”
Me: “No, sorry. You have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh….do you know the right number?”
Me: “….no, sorry.”

Sorry you’re an idiot. I really am. But in my defense there’s very little I can do about that short of constructing a time machine, obtaining a teaching degree and loading it down with 12 grades worth of course material and giving you 12 years of my life in an effort to make the world a better place. An objective I could probably accomplish much easier by “accidentally” nudging you in front of a oncoming bus. It’d only cost me 4-6 years too if I get a decent lawyer.


Thank you, God
( It was deadline night, 20 calls in queue of people calling at the last minute to order something they had the last 3 months to order. Like I said an ID can cut a call down to 30 seconds from 2-3 minutes. So we <3 them. )

Me: “Do you have an ID Number?”
Caller: “Why yes, yes I do!”

You would be the only one in the last HOUR to possess such a thing. If only there was some way I could show my appreciation for being the oasis in the middle of this fuckwit desert. But alas, I am bound to my desk and cannot leave. However, if you wish you may drive down to the office and I shall take a 5 minute break to come downstairs and kiss your feet.

But I warn you, this offer, much like the contest its related too, expires at midnight. After which the carriage of my momentary lapse into goodwill shall turn back into a pumpkin of my dark, ever present resentment of humanity.

first one, thank God I wasn't at work when I read that... otherwise I would have had to remove myself from the call rotation I'd be laughing so hard

second one, I know how you feel, our frequent traveler numbers are just as valuable

OOO!! I wanna mail order husky! Please be kind enough to send it the vicinity of the western desert of the United States.
*hides*

hey, send one my way too...

For some reason your posts make me want to call you... it's a rather weird temptation but perhaps it's an attempt to make an easy call transaction I wish for you. Don't worry, I don't know where to call but just thing: somewhere out there, there is someone trying to make an order easy for you but they just don't call....f***ing figures...

hey, while you're at it, can you call me too so I can have a call from someone who isn't an idiot when it comes to the hotel industry...
and yes, I too wish I could speak to the great Gravekeeper.

At the risk of defending NoneOfIt, in weather where the fareinheit numbers are lower than the celcius ones and you're getting the sled dogs a- mushin', having something to cover the ears isn't a bad idea.



Usa silly. Itsa me, Jar Jar!

why oh why did you have to mention Jar Jar... I had just about forgotten about him...

[Lioness Blackfire]

On my way in this evening, at 29th Avenue Station, I bore witness to a man. A man holding an empty cardboard box. He was….serenading the box….in a rather intoxicated fashion. “All my love is for you” or some such. I’m not entirely sure why he was serenading a box or where he found the box. He did have a small audience watching his performance as he confessed his throbbing feelings for the box. But he was definitely rather enamored with his cardboard lover.

"The Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you..."

What you are offering me is only part of the address. Merely a component of the address. You are offering me only the Blue and Red Lion, and asking me to form Voltron. It doesn’t work that way and I have little chance of defeating the rampaging Robeast threatening the universe with what you’re giving me to work with.

Win. Just win.

For some reason your posts make me want to call you...

I find myself with this compulsion as well. Tragically, I am phone-phobic in the worst way, and this minor dream will never come to fruition.


Seriously though, the number and "quality" of customers you deal with on a nightly basis... damn. Think there's room for one more in the fan club?

[Slytovhand]

Priorities

SC: “The element in my oven broke off, I’m worried it might be a fire risk!”
Me: “Ok, well it’ll have to wait till morning. I would just turn it off for this evening and maintenance can help you in the morning.”
SC: “I’m not finished cooking yet! How am I suppose to feed my kids!?!”
Me: “Unfortunately we can’t send someone to fix it this late at night.”
SC: “So how am I suppose to feed my kids!? I have 7 kids!!!”
( 7!? In an 2 bedroom apartment!? Holy maple shitsticks, woman. )
Me: “Well, unfortunately the maintenance guy is only on call for emergencies this late at night. For a broken appliance it will have to wait till morning.”
SC: “How I suppose to feed my kids then!?!?!”
( How are your children my responsibility? )
Me: “Unfortunately there’s not much else I can do for you. If you’re worried it’s a fire hazard then I’d turn it off to be on the safe side.”
SC: “You’d let your kids starve?!!?”
( No, I’d make something else. Or order out. But hell, my kids wouldn’t be up at 11pm on a weekday anyway. Oh, and I wouldn’t have *7* of them. )
Me: “…….ok, we-“
SC: “I’ll just keep using it and call you when it catches on fire.”

Your priorities intrigue me. So you’re saying that having your kids go hungry for half an hour waiting for Domino's outweighs burning down your entire apartment building and potentially killing or maiming your children and/or neighbours?

Still...7 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment.....Christ. I should send the maintenance guy to tie your legs together.

You sure there wasn't another one in the oven??

[Becks]

Red vodka that provides a taste sensation similar to picking up a gerbil, flipping it over and slowly licking it from sack to snout. But then that’s not much different from vodka anyhow.

Do I even want to know how this knowledge was aquired?

[Ree]

Do I even want to know how this knowledge was aquired?

A guy's gotta have a hobby, I guess.

[Gwen_Goth]

hi, new (to posting) here

firstly; Hail GraveKeeper!

secondly;

see, no rule #1 violations here

what is rule 1?
and while we're on it, what is 867?

iver been reading these boards for ages, and yet i still havn't worked it out

but anyway, piglet.... eeew i can (sadly) imagine what you mean....

[AdminAssistant]

From what I've been able to deduce, rule #1 involves not reading CS and drinking a beverage at the same time (due to the hazard of said beverage getting into the nasal cavity).

(Of course, in my mind rule #1 is 'Never let suspects stay together' but y'know...) If you catch the reference, you get 100 cool points.

867 is the area code for a large wasteland in Canada occupied by intellectually inferior and sucky people that Gravekeeper has to deal with on a regular basis.

[Ree]

Rule # 1 does, indeed, refer to drinking or eating and hence, spewing on the monitor or keyboard while reading CS.

"867" refers to the area code for Nunavut, in Canada.
Apparently, Gravekeeper gets a lot of annoying calls from there.

It is a large area, mainly populated by aboriginal people. There is a lot of poverty, and a major substance abuse problem exists. It has become a standing joke at CS to poke fun at the unfortunate souls from that area as a result of some of the stories of the phone calls received.

[LambChop]

But if you do so insist on making getting in the way your life’s work, then may I suggest, and fervently hope, that you attempt to heed this calling in front of a bus at your earliest convenience.

Love,
- Gravekeeper

Oh. My. God! *dies laughing*

[Andara Bledin]

Apologies for my hiatus, it was not intentional. Our email server at work choked so everything I emailed home to post last week never came through. So I couldn't get at it again till I came back to work.

Oh, good. I was hoping it wasn't anything bad. Glad to see you back with us! (even as I'm sorry that your misery is a constant source of entertainment)

I should send the maintenance guy to tie your legs together.

A bit too little, too late, there. I don't think the broken heating element really is a fire risk. However, with a broken heating element, there's no way the food's going to cook properly, so there might be a food poisoning risk. Idiot.

Me: “and what colour would you like?”
SC: “Grey Camu”

Wait. Wait! I can explain the "camu" requests! It's that Canadian accent that many of us down here in the US go on about! Only, see, you're in a part of Canada that's relatively close to the US, so the accents around you are very subtle to the point where many people just don't notice. But, see, the Nunavites (I just made that word up) are a more remote region, and thus their accent is more pronounced. So, where we would say "camo" they would say it as "camu."

See? It all makes sense!

Well, not about why people would be willing to throw $100 into the purchase of a baseball cap, but the rest of it, yeah.

Me: “Main dispatch gets in at 8am pacific.”
SC: “8am pacific? Ok, so that’s around 1pm eastern…ok, I’ll call back.”

He started off ok. But when he was tooling around the clock face, he missed the fact that there are actually twelve numbers, not just ten.

For truly I am a master of riddles.

You are truly like unto the Sphinx.

Me: “Ok, the call is from at <company> in Toronto.”
SC: “Ok.”
Me: “The number is xxx-xxx-xxxx”
SC: “Great. Did you get a country code?”

*twitch*

I'd apologize on behalf of the US for that.... but I don't want to admit I share a country with that guy. Although, at least he is aware of the existence of country codes, which is distressingly more than I can say for many, many others.

*sob*

Even worse, I work with people who try to tell our system to dial "011" for an out of country call when entering a Canadian customer. I get the perverse pleasure of asking them "what is wrong with this entry" when they do that stuff.

Perhaps if you tried adding “Zorro!” or “Don Carnage!” to the end of them it might make a bit more sense. Grammatically at least.

Well, actually, the statement, "It is I!" is fully correct on its own. Completely and utterly pointless and without any real meaning, but still correct.

SC: “Hey, do you know who Antoine Guy is?!”
Me: “No I don’t, sorry.”
SC: “Well, he can kick Bruce Lee’s ass!”

Well, considering that Bruce Lee is dead and buried, I have no doubt of that.

"The Weighted Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you..."

The cake is a lie!

what is rule 1?
and while we're on it, what is 867?

Rule #1 is the act of eating or drinking while reading the forums. The breaking of Rule #1 always results in the reader then spewing said food or drink onto their computer or friends and coworkers due to extreme mirth, otherwise referred to as kittening.

867 is the area code that serves the great land of Nunavut, a place of loathing for Gravekeeper and XXXL pink camo skirts.

Actually, Nunavut has what is supposed to be an excellent college, but the rest of the area is essentially Canadian outback, and some of the people there often do things that are similar to what you would expect from stereotypical "trailer trash." Of the people in the region, Gk pretty much only posts about the "slack jawed yokels" as it were.

Considering the prices these people are willing to shell out for what amounts to completely unnecessary clothing items (baseball caps, tank tops, and skirts, among others), I sincerely doubt the poverty or misfortune of the particular individuals showcased in Gk's posts.

^-.-^

[Chanlin]

(Of course, in my mind rule #1 is 'Never let suspects stay together' but y'know...) If you catch the reference, you get 100 cool points.

Yay Gibbs is my hero. I love NCIS

My particular favorite is when he sneak up on the trailer trash guy in an episode.

TTG: How'd you do that?

Gibbs: Used to do it for a living, only back then you'd be dead instead of under arrest.

Do I even want to know how this knowledge was aquired?

I don't think I want to know either. I had a near rule 1 violation with that one myself.

[blas]

I don't think GK knows from personal experience, I'm sure he's seen it on his way to/from work before.

[Ree]

I don't think GK knows from personal experience, I'm sure he's seen it on his way to/from work before.

He sees a lot of people on his way to work who are "picking up a gerbil, flipping it over and slowly licking it from sack to snout"? (That's what we were talking about. )

As for the other insanity that I think you were referring to, blas, I have no doubt he sees a lot of it on his way to work. I've read the stories. *shudder*

[AdminAssistant]

Yay Gibbs is my hero. I love NCIS

My particular favorite is when he sneak up on the trailer trash guy in an episode.

TTG: How'd you do that?

Gibbs: Used to do it for a living, only back then you'd be dead instead of under arrest.

I love that episode!

Yeah, NCIS is my fave TV show. Actually, it's more than a show, it's an addiction. New episodes April 8!!!

Oh, and of course, 100 cool points for you.

Sorry, I'll end the post-jacking now.