Soldiers of dooooooom.

[ThePhoneGoddess]

Okay, the disclaimer for this post: this post is about soldiers. I speak to many of them because one of my jobs is to help them purchase minutes for calling cards that are sold at PX's all over the world. Like any other group of people, many soldiers are perfectly nice, polite people with enough intelligence to get through life just fine. And then of course, there are the minority who are either raging anuscakes or Darwin award contenders. The following calls all involve that minority.


Reality Schmeality!

SC: I placed an order online yesterday for a phone card but I never got it.
ME: All right sir, lemme look that up for you. It looks like your order needed to be run through a security verification. We were unable to reach you, so we left messages at the contact number and held the order for the rest of the day. At the end of the day it was cancelled.
SC: Why?
Me: Because we weren't able to reach you Sir. We need to complete security procedures before we can process your order.
SC: Ok, so what do I need to do?
Me: You would want to replace the order online, and leave a contact number where we could call you at.
SC: I am deployed overseas, I don't have a contact number.
Me: Oh, ok. Well then what you could do is place the order, and then call us back at this number. We could then take care of it for you and you'd have your calling card immediately.
SC: But I shouldn't have to do that! It's your job to call me!
Me: I understand that sir, and under normal circumstances, we would of course call you back. But in your case, you said you did not have a contact number we can call you at. Therefore, in order to finish your transaction, you would need to call us. You can call the toll free number that you dialed to get to me, and we can then take care of it.
SC: But I shouldn't have to call. Why can't you just make this easier for me? I am deployed!
Me: I apologize, sir, but we need to complete the security verification before we can process an order for you.
SC: Ok, so how can we complete that?
Me: Once the order is placed, we need to speak to you and complete security procedures. It only take 2-3 minutes.
SC: Well why can't you call me?
Me: Do you have a number we could call you at?
SC: I already told you no!
Me: Then we cannot call you, sir.
SC: Well why not?!
Me: Um....because it is not possible to call you if you don't have a call back number.
SC: That is not acceptable!
Me: Sir, are you seriously asking me to bend the laws of reality to accommodate you?
SC: Bwa...huh?
Me: YOU DON'T HAVE A NUMBER WE CAN CALL YOU AT. There is no way to call you if you don't have a number. If you had one, we would gladly call you. But as it stands now, I do not have the ability to call you at a number that does not exist!
SC: Well you are really f^&*% unhelpful. You obviously don't care about the fact that I am a soldier just trying to call home! *click*


My QA got hold of this call. My supervisor informed me that she nearly died laughing, and then had him listen to it. I was congratulated on handing a customers ass to them without ever losing my professionalism. I do love the backup we get from admin at this job, if nothing else.


Whiner alert!

SC: I need to put minutes on my calling card.
Me: All right, what is your pin number?
and your name and address?
SC: What do you need my name and address for?
Me: In order to process an order with a credit card sir, we need the name on the credit card and the billing address that matches it.
SC: Well I am deployed in Iraq and I was told not to give that information over the phone.
Me: Okay sir, I apologize, but I cannot place any orders for you then.
SC: What do you mean you can't place any orders for me? Can't you just charge the credit card without asking so many questions?!
Me: No, sir, I cannot.
SC: Well why not?
Me: Because we need the correct name and address that matches the card. It is part of our security procedures. If we do not have the correct name and address the bank will not accept the charge from us.
SC: Well I cant give out my name or address. Are you sure you can't just charge the card?
Me: No, sir, I cannot. If you are leery of giving out your name and address over the phone line, why would you give out your credit card number over the same phone line? ( I was truly curious)
SC: Well I wasn't gonna give that out either. I bought the card at a PX at Camp Lejeune using my debit card, and I figured I could have you charge that card again to refill it.
Me: I am sorry sir, we do not have access to the transactions you made at the PX, and we do not keep card numbers on file. We require that you give us the card number each time you place an order.
SC: Oh. Really?
Me: Yes.
SC: So there's no way you can put minutes on my calling card? I need to call home!
Me: No, sir, there is no way I can put minutes on your calling card without a name, address or credit card number.
SC: Are you suuuuure????
Me: *God I hate whiners* Yes, I am sure.
SC: *in full whiner mode now* But I need to call my Moooooom!!!! You're not helping meeeeeee! Why can't you help meeeeeee?
Me: I cannot charge a calling card with a credit card number you are not willing to give me, sir. I suggest you call us back when you are on a more secure telephone line to place an order.
SC: *sighhhhhhhhhh* *insert lots of cussing and ranting and finally he hangs up*


Another one who thinks I can bend reality to suit my will. I assure you if I had that power I'd not be here in this hellhole. I'd be out doing all sorts of hilarious and nefarious things to entertain myself which I'm not going to admit to here. Suffice to say that wolverines, raw meat and entitlement whores would be involved.






I felt sorry for this poor guy...but trusting the wrong people is not an excuse.

SC: Why do you people have to make this so difficult? I just want to call home!
Me: Sir, we are not making this difficult. Your bank is not accepting a charge from us, they are denying it due to insufficient funds. You would need to call your bank to find out what is going on.
SC: Oh, I know what's going on. That bitch is spending all my money again while I'm over here. She did to me on my last deployment and I came home to an eviction notice and no money for groceries!
Me: ...I'm sorry sir.
SC: Well what are we going to do about this?
Me: I do not have the ability to do anything about this, sir, it is your bank account. You need to speak to the bank or to whoever is using the account.
SC: Well I can't call her without a calling card!
Me: I am sorry, sir. I cannot put minutes on your card for you without a credit card.
SC: I have a credit card, you won't accept it!
Me: We are not refusing your card, sir, the bank is refusing anymore charges. We do not have any control over that.
SC: Can't you override it or something?
Me: No, sir, I cannot override the bank. I have no control over their refusal.
SC: What a crock! *click*



It happened once already, and yet you allow this woman to continue to have control over your finances? What is it they say about the definition of insanity again?




I got an awesome compliment last week. I had a soldier call in and we couldn't complete security on his order. He told me that it was his daughter's 16th birthday and he got an email from her that all she wanted for her birthday was a phone call from him. This made me so I went ahead and processed the order for him, and crossed my fingers that it was legit.

The 16 year old called two days later and made a compliment to my boss about it. She had my name and ID number from her Dad and called in to thank us. It felt very nice to receive such a compliment.

[iradney]

LOL at the soldier that wants you to call him without a number.
Did you consider smoke signals??

I got an awesome compliment last week. I had a soldier call in and we couldn't complete security on his order. He told me that it was his daughter's 16th birthday and he got an email from her that all she wanted for her birthday was a phone call from him. This made me so I went ahead and processed the order for him, and crossed my fingers that it was legit.

The 16 year old called two days later and made a compliment to my boss about it. She had my name and ID number from her Dad and called in to thank us. It felt very nice to receive such a compliment.

Aw, so sweet! I'm so glad that she also took the time to send a compliment through!

[cinema guy]

I assure you if I had that power I'd not be here in this hellhole.

I'm betting those guys' hellholes are worse than yours.

He told me that it was his daughter's 16th birthday and he got an email from her that all she wanted for her birthday was a phone call from him. This made me so I went ahead and processed the order for him, and crossed my fingers that it was legit.

[Peppergirl]

I feel your pain, PG. My company runs a very popular military travel website. The vast majority of them are very nice and polite, but there are also quite a few who can't seem to grasp the concept credit card security measures.

Oh, and the ones that have their mom's call and yell at us are the absolute best. It's an everyday occurance.

[Samaliel]

Me: Do you have a number we could call you at?
SC: I already told you no!
Me: Then we cannot call you, sir.
SC: Well why not?!

Sanity ? Reality ? The laws of physics ?

I got an awesome compliment last week. I had a soldier call in and we couldn't complete security on his order. He told me that it was his daughter's 16th birthday and he got an email from her that all she wanted for her birthday was a phone call from him. This made me so I went ahead and processed the order for him, and crossed my fingers that it was legit.

The 16 year old called two days later and made a compliment to my boss about it. She had my name and ID number from her Dad and called in to thank us. It felt very nice to receive such a compliment.

It sure is nice that you got complimented, but I really hope this won't bite you in the back. While this person and their daughter seemed to be very appreciative and thankful of what you did, let's hope they understand that was an exception and that you could have gotten into trouble for what you did.

[AdminAssistant]

I went to visit some family in Leavenworth recently (he's stationed there, not in the jail ) and my cousin's wife took me to the PX and Comissary (sp?). I was at the low prices (plus no tax). It was nice.

But if they need to call Moooomm so badly, why don't they have Moooom send them a card? Sheesh.

[Kogo Shuko]

I love the soldiers. I'm all for supporting the troops. I think it's one of the most honourable professions one can get into.

But no matter how honourable the profession is, some people can just be jackasses.

I love what you did for that last soldier though. I got all misty-eyed just reading it. I'd give you a big hug, if I had been in their shoes. Well, a big virtual hug, anyway. And some flowers. You rock!

[dithers66]

SC: Well why can't you call me?
Me: Do you have a number we could call you at?
SC: I already told you no!
Me: Then we cannot call you, sir.
SC: Well why not?!
Me: Um....because it is not possible to call you if you don't have a call back number.
SC: That is not acceptable!

I had this happen to me on once. I got a lady's information to have her called but when I went to verify security so that we could give the store owner her number she refused. So I told her if we can't give it to them, then how were we going to resolve the matter. I specifically told her it's up to the franchisee owner to solve her problem but if they could not call her cause they don't have her number, then what were they supposed to do. It literally went back and forth like this 5-6 times, me telling her my side, her responding "but I want a call back."

I eventually just hung up on her without saying another word. Stupid loser.

[MoxisPilot]

What boggles my mind is that fact that he couldn't buy a phone card where he was; my husband was deployed in Baghdad, and he was able to buy calling cards there (there's a shopette kind of thing, at least at Camp Slayer at Victory Base Complex), without any hassle at all.

If he's in a position to be USING a calling card, he's in a place where a calling card can be purchased - therefore he has no reason to be annoying people with his weird altered state of reality.

What an idiot.

[Arm]

Depends on where they're calling from.

Not everywhere has a shoppette, and not all shoppettes have calling cards, though they do try.

What I used to do was call a DSN number in the states, at one of the posts where I could get routed through the automatic switchboard to a local number. Then I'd do my business with locals that way, or if I had a calling card I wanted to use, I'd bounce through the post and then use the calling card (and thus avoid paying the international rate on the card).

I lived in a nicely appointed warehouse when I was deployed. Meanwhile a friend of mine deployed elsewhere in the sandbox spent the first six weeks of her deployment sleeping on top of her humvee (then they got tents!). My 'office' and hers communicated frequently over DSN lines, but I kinda doubt she was in a position to be buying anything from anyone, anywhere. She could've used the same trick I did with the calling cards, though, and probably did. It's pretty common knowledge.

(Amusingly, it wasn't until almost the end of her deployment that I actually found out that she was AT that office. It was a fun little reunion when she was getting ready to go home, and I got to show her around my warehouses and such. Of course, then her unit got turned around at the port and sent out again.)

Not trying to excuse the guys for being idiots. Every army needs SOMEONE who can be convinced that charging an enemy strong point is a good idea, after all. But I did want to explain how it might be that they can't get their phone card recharged.

[AdminAssistant]

Depends on where they're calling from.

Not everywhere has a shoppette, and not all shoppettes have calling cards, though they do try.

*snip*

I lived in a nicely appointed warehouse when I was deployed. Meanwhile a friend of mine deployed elsewhere in the sandbox spent the first six weeks of her deployment sleeping on top of her humvee (then they got tents!). My 'office' and hers communicated frequently over DSN lines, but I kinda doubt she was in a position to be buying anything from anyone, anywhere.

*snip*

But I did want to explain how it might be that they can't get their phone card recharged.

A family friend is an Army Ranger (right now he's a dog handler - they've trained dogs to sniff out IED's). But before he got appointed as a dog handler he did...other.....Ranger....stuff. I don't know what he did, beyond the fact that his unit usually parachuted into wherever they were going and his family didn't even know if he was in Iraq or Afghanistan. The only 'good' thing is that his deployments tend to be 3 months at a time.

He told us on one of his visits that he would often go a month without a shower. *EW* If you don't even have ready access to running water....chances are a phone card's not happening.