Desk, meet head.

[Gothicsmurf]

Yes, that number.

Normally when we get a caller in, we need either a contract number or customer number to pull accounts.

Here was this gem:

Me: *Spiel* Do you have your contract number or customer number?
SC: No, I've got my application number, it's 15...
Me: Thank you, but I can't pull it up that way, customer number or contract number is what I need.
SC: I have my social security number (His account was under a business name so that didn't help this time.)
Me: Thank you, but I can't pull it up that way, customer number or contract number is what I need.
SC: I have location number...
Me: Thank you, but I can't pull it up that way, customer number or contract number is what I need.
SC: I have loan officer number.
Me: Thank you, but I can't pull it up that way, customer number or contract number is what I need.
SC: Do you want my phone number?
Me: Thank you, but I can't pull it up that way, customer number or contract number is what I need.
SC: Here's an invoice number
Me: Thank you, but I can't pull it up that way, customer number or contract number is what I need.
SC: There's a contract number right here. Can you use that?
Me:

Sure, let me transfer you.

We get a lot of solicitation calls, we are not allowed to transfer them.

Me: Spiel
Sucky Solicitor: Yes, is Ted Reilly there? (Said with a middle eastern accent AND a ton of call center noise in the back ground. Gee I wonder...)
Me: I'm sorry I don't see him in our directory.
SS: Ok, can you transfer me to the CEO of the company please?
Me: I'm sorry I can't transfer you with out name.
SS: I'm Joe from *Company* and I'd like to speak with the CEO.
Me: Thinking, Right. Sure let me transfer you... Unless you already have an established relationship with us, I cannot transfer you.
SS: *Click*

Awesome

I got a call in this afternoon for the SVP of Customer Service. The SS on the other line said she was calling for her super trying to make sure their conference call was set up. I kind of thought it was BS, but called the SVP to see if he wanted to take the call. He said to put her through.

I listened to the call for a few minutes and felt horrible that I let the call through. The SVP IMed me and said, "Don't worry about it. It happens now and then. Besides I'm having a great time giving her a bit of a hard time." Now I know that's not PC, it did make me giggle a little bit.

Telemarketing tricks that DON'T work.

Do not call and say/ask any or all of the following:

1. What is the name of the person in charge of X Department. You're not getting it and to be honest, I have no freaking clue.
2. Can you transfer me to the IT department? *Double douche points when you call the HELP DESK line
3. Ask for Bill Smith, I know it's a fake name.
4. Call and ask for the CEO of the company. Hell he doesn't even take my calls and I know him personally...
   

Feel free to add your own.

[bainsidhe]

The two I get often are the following:

"Can I get the model number of your photocopier" meaning they want to try and sell us toner, office supplies, etc. but need this information to continue the spiel OR they just ask who they need to contact regarding toner supplies. Either way, we have a contract and we'd be calling the company, not the other way around. If our contract company needed to reach us, they already have contact details and certainly know what model we are using. Bzzz, fail. Try again.

The other is "I'm calling with XX magazine and would like to speak with <president> about continuing his free subscription in order to continue his suscription I just need to confirm some information and will only take a few moments of your time" (note: minimal, if any, pause for air). I usually state that they're calling in on our CUSTOMER line (as if they care) and need to speak with <president> directly. I then drop them into voicemail. Love the new phone system, I can plop people right into voicemail without even ringing over. Love it.

[rerant]

At the food bank I always get a recording from some travel company trying to sell discounted trips.
They always start with, "Hi! This is Kelly from ---" I never hear the rest because I always hang up.
Thing is it sounds so much like a person that the first time they called the conversation, wherein the recording was different as it was winter, went like this:

Me: <spiel>
Recording: Hi! How are you?
Me: Good.
Recording: Is it cold there?
Me: I-- what?
Recording: Cuz it's warm over here! blahblah company would like to offer YOU a SUPER CHEAP trip! How fun is THAT?!
Me: *sigh*

I've tried to get past the recording and to a supervisor to let them know they're calling a charity but the automated system always hangs up on me.

As for things you should not do on the phone:
-EAT! I know Vlasik pickles are both crunchy ANY juicy but fuck, put them down for 30 seconds.
-Stand directly next to the TV.
-Hold your screaming bastard spawn.
-Talk to other people.
-YELL at other people.
-Demand my name right off the bat. You'll never get it and I don't have to give it to you.
-Demand to speak to a specific volunteer. The answer to that will always be no. If you ask if they're there the answer will always be, "I don't know." Not because I don't actually know (which I don't, but that's not the point) but because it's noe of your damn business.

[Heksubah]

[*]Ask for Bill Smith, I know it's a fake name.

>.> That is my stepdad's name. But he goes by Billy. What amused me greatly once... I was at a department store and they had a little flier for their in-store credit card. The images of the cards on the front were for William D. Smith and Mary P. Smith.

...My stepdad and my mother! Buahaha. I teased them at no end about that one. Such generic names. (My mother's maiden name, though, is far far far from generic.)

[ShadedWings]

-Hold your screaming bastard spawn.

Most of what you listed, I've been through but none so often as that. Nor as annoying/deafening. I'm sorry, I know you're just trying to get your electric bill handled and/or get your electricity back on, but for dog's sake, if your little bundle of snowflakes is SCREECHING so hard five feet away that I literally cannot hear anything for the next two minutes, even if I take the headset off... yeah, step away from the baby.

Here's my contribution to the list...

- Don't threaten your child with serious harm and inflict emotional harm on him/her while I'm on the phone with you.

Had a gem of a guy, yelling at his son while I looked something up, threaten to "knock his head off" and "beat the crap out of" him, as well as tell him he was useless and pathetic and worthless while I can hear him crying. Not even loud crying, more of the quiet, "sh** I'm in trouble and I'm trying not to be noticed" crying.

Pissed me off so much I gave the guy's account to my supervisor, who said that they'll look into it and if they deem it necessary, will report it Child Services. I felt better. Still pissed off, but better. So yeah, don't do that while on the phone with a stranger.

[HawaiianShirts]

At the food bank I always get a recording from some travel company trying to sell discounted trips.

I don't think our store ever gets telemarketers calling. If we do, I've never been on the receiving end of that call. We get at least a fax a day from some kind of vacation company, though. They've got some amazing deal (like a 7-day Caribbean cruise for $300 per person or something like that) and a phone number to call to get it. Never tried the number myself, but a co-worker did, and he couldn't get past the recordings to figure out if the offer was legit.

[otakuneko]

-EAT! I know Vlasik Claussen pickles are both crunchy AND juicy but fuck, put them down for 30 seconds.

Fix't. And sorry, I can't. Mmmm, pickles...

I don't think our store ever gets telemarketers calling. If we do, I've never been on the receiving end of that call. We get at least a fax a day from some kind of vacation company, though. They've got some amazing deal (like a 7-day Caribbean cruise for $300 per person or something like that) and a phone number to call to get it. Never tried the number myself, but a co-worker did, and he couldn't get past the recordings to figure out if the offer was legit.

FAX spam is quite illegal. I say report it.