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To infinity and beyond! For such a hellish Friday graveyard night, it's certainly been interesting 
The Ass End of BLARRGHGHGH!
Right as I walk in, we get called to check out the men's room...this is not a good sign. Sure enough, we walk in, and someone is puking up a storm, and talking to people between heaves. We get over to his stall, and notice the door is open...and then, approximately .2 seconds later, we notice that his pants are down.
...
*Sigh* ...Sir...why are your pants down? (Why do I even ask at this point? All of my employees mentioned afterward how dejected I sounded when I asked...) Apparently, he had to poo...so he pulled down his pants. But then he had to puke, so he stood, turned around, and did so. I guess that somewhere between the concept of "I poop now" and "I puke now" the idea of "I hide my bare ass from the world" never entered into the equation. The bonus lightning round, however, started seconds later when my smartass employee whips out his camera phone and snaps a photo.
Guess what's going to be the Christmas card this year! 
Stop messing with the door
We have revolving doors at the front entrance. Two of them. Please, stop being a drunk jackass, which means stop reversing course in the other direction to screw with your friends. It does not amuse me, and I keep a crow bar in my office.
No really, stop it.
You too, jackass.
Or I will kill you!
No, I really mean it, stop fucking with my door!
*CRACK*
You fuckers...ok, now I have 1 working revolving door, and 1 broken revolving door. Bonus, the idiot who broke it did so in front of 2 cops, and those doors cost $1500 each. We thank you for your downpayment, now stop fucking with my door and go die somewhere.
You people make me cry...
That didn't stop 3 other groups of idiots from doing the same thing on the other door though...I wanted it to break, just to have fun charging them that $1500 too...
Must you?
Right after the door thing, I suffered a severe lack of patience, which is a rare thing for me most days. Therefore, I was less nice than usual when some idiot crawled behind our bar...and I'm never very nice to people who do that. The conversation went more or less like this:
Me: Are you staying here?
Idiot: No...?
Me: Out.
Idiot: Ok, I'll come out from the bar.
Me: No, out of the hotel. You're not staying here, and you're trespassing behind here, you're gone.
Idiot: Cat butt face!......'d
Wake up, you're screwed!
One of the calls I despise is when someone calls and asks us to check on a guest because they are not answering their phone. Now, this means one of four things:
A) They are heavy sleepers and they don't hear the phone.
B) They are heavy drinkers, and are too passed out to hear the phone.
C) They are not in the room.
D) They are probably lying dead, which is going to make my year let me tell you...
So I have to go into this room to tell someone he's screwed: his flight to Europe leaves at 6am, the time is now 4:30am. I get up to the room, no answer. (Sigh) I open the door and shout in, no answer. (Grr...) I go in, and it's thankfully option B this time (whew), but this one defies me. Now, I know some ways to wake people up...but I just can't win. I shake him, plug his nose, even do the sternum-rub thing firemen do (may seem creepy, but it works...and I gotta make sure that he doesn't have alcohol poisoning), nothing works at all. I do this for 15 minutes before I finally call his father back and ask if there's anything he knows of that I could say to startle him into awareness. "Tell him he's missing his plane to Europe, and he'll be out of a job if he does." Thanks for telling me that earlier dad, because it worked...I could've been done with this for 15 minutes ><
Balls in the face
Ok, this isn't a customer story, but it had us all cracking up to end the night, which made everything better One of my employees, who I'll call J, is telling the story. To give some background as to what led to this, we were making fun of people walking into walls as a result of gawking at women.
J: It's terrible, but when I was in high school, we were all playing softball one day, and I was at second base. I got the ball hit to me, and I thought my friend was still playing first for some reason, so I chucked the ball as hard as I could...but it was some random girl who never played any sports there. I sat there and watched as the ball flew and nailed her right in the face. Now, no one cared about anyone at that school, so we all ended up just laughing about it...even she sat there laughing at herself. She started bleeding though, so that was bad.
B (Other employee): Was she like "what the hell, is this how you flirt with me!?"
J: Actually, I did end up getting her number. The worse thing was, a week later, we were playing volleyball...and I ended up spiking the ball one game!
Me: Heh...
J: Yeah, right into her face.
Me: Was that all?
J: No...the next week we were playing kick ball.
Me: (At this point, I'm just giggling, so the next sentence was rather broken) So, what you're telling us is that you ended up getting a girl's phone number after single handedly making sure she had experience taking balls in the face?
J: Exactly.
Now, maybe we were just tired after a long night, but this led all three of us to nearly collapse in a fit of laughter for a few minutes. Maybe it was funnier to us, but god it made the night better.
I may have more tomorrow, since I apparently am scheduled to work a double shift straight into Sunday afternoon.
The Ass End of BLARRGHGHGH!
Right as I walk in, we get called to check out the men's room...this is not a good sign. Sure enough, we walk in, and someone is puking up a storm, and talking to people between heaves. We get over to his stall, and notice the door is open...and then, approximately .2 seconds later, we notice that his pants are down.
...
*Sigh* ...Sir...why are your pants down? (Why do I even ask at this point? All of my employees mentioned afterward how dejected I sounded when I asked...) Apparently, he had to poo...so he pulled down his pants. But then he had to puke, so he stood, turned around, and did so. I guess that somewhere between the concept of "I poop now" and "I puke now" the idea of "I hide my bare ass from the world" never entered into the equation. The bonus lightning round, however, started seconds later when my smartass employee whips out his camera phone and snaps a photo.
Guess what's going to be the Christmas card this year! Stop messing with the door
We have revolving doors at the front entrance. Two of them. Please, stop being a drunk jackass, which means stop reversing course in the other direction to screw with your friends. It does not amuse me, and I keep a crow bar in my office.
No really, stop it.
You too, jackass.
Or I will kill you!
No, I really mean it, stop fucking with my door!
*CRACK*
You fuckers...ok, now I have 1 working revolving door, and 1 broken revolving door. Bonus, the idiot who broke it did so in front of 2 cops, and those doors cost $1500 each. We thank you for your downpayment, now stop fucking with my door and go die somewhere.
You people make me cry...
That didn't stop 3 other groups of idiots from doing the same thing on the other door though...I wanted it to break, just to have fun charging them that $1500 too...
Must you?
Right after the door thing, I suffered a severe lack of patience, which is a rare thing for me most days. Therefore, I was less nice than usual when some idiot crawled behind our bar...and I'm never very nice to people who do that. The conversation went more or less like this:
Me: Are you staying here?
Idiot: No...?
Me: Out.
Idiot: Ok, I'll come out from the bar.
Me: No, out of the hotel. You're not staying here, and you're trespassing behind here, you're gone.
Idiot: Cat butt face!......'d
Wake up, you're screwed!
One of the calls I despise is when someone calls and asks us to check on a guest because they are not answering their phone. Now, this means one of four things:
A) They are heavy sleepers and they don't hear the phone.
B) They are heavy drinkers, and are too passed out to hear the phone.
C) They are not in the room.
D) They are probably lying dead, which is going to make my year let me tell you...
So I have to go into this room to tell someone he's screwed: his flight to Europe leaves at 6am, the time is now 4:30am. I get up to the room, no answer. (Sigh) I open the door and shout in, no answer. (Grr...) I go in, and it's thankfully option B this time (whew), but this one defies me. Now, I know some ways to wake people up...but I just can't win. I shake him, plug his nose, even do the sternum-rub thing firemen do (may seem creepy, but it works...and I gotta make sure that he doesn't have alcohol poisoning), nothing works at all. I do this for 15 minutes before I finally call his father back and ask if there's anything he knows of that I could say to startle him into awareness. "Tell him he's missing his plane to Europe, and he'll be out of a job if he does." Thanks for telling me that earlier dad, because it worked...I could've been done with this for 15 minutes ><
Balls in the face
Ok, this isn't a customer story, but it had us all cracking up to end the night, which made everything better
One of my employees, who I'll call J, is telling the story. To give some background as to what led to this, we were making fun of people walking into walls as a result of gawking at women.J: It's terrible, but when I was in high school, we were all playing softball one day, and I was at second base. I got the ball hit to me, and I thought my friend was still playing first for some reason, so I chucked the ball as hard as I could...but it was some random girl who never played any sports there. I sat there and watched as the ball flew and nailed her right in the face. Now, no one cared about anyone at that school, so we all ended up just laughing about it...even she sat there laughing at herself. She started bleeding though, so that was bad.
B (Other employee): Was she like "what the hell, is this how you flirt with me!?"
J: Actually, I did end up getting her number. The worse thing was, a week later, we were playing volleyball...and I ended up spiking the ball one game!
Me: Heh...
J: Yeah, right into her face.
Me: Was that all?
J: No...the next week we were playing kick ball.
Me: (At this point, I'm just giggling, so the next sentence was rather broken) So, what you're telling us is that you ended up getting a girl's phone number after single handedly making sure she had experience taking balls in the face?
J: Exactly.
Now, maybe we were just tired after a long night, but this led all three of us to nearly collapse in a fit of laughter for a few minutes. Maybe it was funnier to us, but god it made the night better.
I may have more tomorrow, since I apparently am scheduled to work a double shift straight into Sunday afternoon.
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