Snappy comebacks...

[protege]

S: What's up?
M: The ceiling (other answers include: The sky, Heaven, *finger pointing up and a straight face*)

Since I'm a smartass, there are many ways to answer this one... "The sky," "airplanes," "oil prices," and "the ceiling" are just a few options. One of my former bosses had the best one though. He'd simply reply with "a chicken's ass when it's eating."

[Jester]

One I used to use on occasion:

C: "What's up?"
J: "My blood alcohol level."

That tends to slow them down!

[batmoody]

SC: Do you need my club card?
Me: Um, No thanks, I have one of my own, but you might need your club card.
**********
SC: (comes into my register) "You look lonely."
Me: "Wow, thanks, so do you."
**********
SC: (comes into my register) Are you open?
Me: Are you ready?
**********
SC: "You're all out of (insert item here)"
Me: Actually, I have 4 cans at home.....er, I thought. Am I really out?"
******
SC: "I want to speak to your manager!"
Me: "I would love for you to speak to my manager!" (calls manager)
*********
SC: (after I Have rung half their order) "Oh, I forgot my wallet! Can I go out and get it?
Me: "Only if you plan on buying this stuff."
**********
SC: Can I pay for this here?
Me: I would strongly recommend it.

[dragonflygrrl]

On my last day at Budget, while dealing with a class A SC:

SC: You, young lady, have no future in customer service.
Me: Well, at least you've got THAT right.

[Jester]

CUSTOMER: "Do you serve food?"
JESTER: "Only to people who order it."

CUSTOMER: "Do you serve food?"
JESTER: "Only to hungry people."

CUSTOMER: "Do we pay you?"
JESTER: "You'd better. If you pay someone else, I'd be rather upset. As would management."

CUSTOMER: "Can we take these drinks down to the pool?"
JESTER: "I don't know...how coordinated are you?"

CUSTOMER: "Do you have water?"
JESTER: "No."

CUSTOMER: "Are soda refills free?"
JESTER: "Yes, but you can pay for them if you want. I wouldn't mind."

Probably my favorite was when I DJ'd at a clothing optional rooftop bar. Yes, you read that right. Now, as a DJ, you can be really obnoxious. As a DJ at a clothing optional rooftop bar, a good portion of your job is convincing people to get naked. Now, remembering that I despise country music, but will play it under the right circumstances, but I also had plenty of leeway to do what I thought was right for the crowd at hand, check out this exchange I had once:

GIRL: "Do y'all have any country music?"
JESTER: "Yes. Yes I do."
GIRL: "Can you play some?"
JESTER: "Maybe. Are you going to take off any clothes?"
GIRL: "HELL no!"
JESTER: [big smile] "Then I don't have any country music."
GIRL: "That's not very nice!"
JESTER: "Hey, you started this!"

Okay, so I'm evil. What's your point

[Lace Neil Singer]

S: Can I leave this here? (or some variant of "Can I ____?")
M: I don't know, can you?

I use a variant of that one too.

Customer: Can I have cashback?
Me: I don't know, can you?

It always gets a laugh. Maybe I'm just lucky.

[AFpheonix]

If it's someone I know that asks me a "can I___?" question, I'll say "No, you can't. That's not allowed" and keep a straight face for all of 3 seconds before I crack a smile and help them out with whatever it was they needed.

[pbmods]

SC: You, young lady, have no future in customer service.

'Cuz you make it sound SO appealing....

[skeptic53]

My favorite of that genre was "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"
The guy who said it was serious.

A guy I knew used to say "Does a hobby horse have a wooden d**k?"

[friendofjimmyk]

The member sounds like me...but I'm not a guy...

Grrrrrrrrrr. You know what I mean.

I was just glad that he laughed. I just blurted out what I said and it was not very nice...I wasn't saying it to be mean, it was just one of those days where I was uber-silly and blurted out the first thing that came to my mind!

[friendofjimmyk]

I have done that at the (now being renovated) bar in the hotel where we had literally over 200 bottles of liquor on the back bar. People would walk up, ask if we sold drinks, and I would slowly turn around, survey the Altar Unto Alcohol, turn back to them, and ask, "Drinks? What are these drinks you speak of?"

Have I mentioned that I am a smartass?

I used to LOVE the folks that sauntered up to the bar, stood RIGHT SMACK in front of our 15 beer taps and while looking at me THROUGH THE TAPS aks me "What do you have on draft?"

I would just stand there and blink.

[dendawg]

Okay, I heard this secondhand from a co-worker, and it probably doesn't qualify as "snappy" or maybe even "true". But it makes a nice fantasy.
SC: <angry> Do you know who I am?
CSR: No, sir, but if you'll wait a moment we'll see if we can find out. <picks up pager> Attention, customers: we have a gentleman at the customer service counter who does not know who he is. If anyone in the store can assist this poor man, please come to customer service.

Yep, it's a legend. Faker than Pamela Anderson's tits.

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/obnoxious.asp

[Jester]

Yep, it's a legend. Faker than Pamela Anderson's tits.

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/obnoxious.asp

Yes, but many of us are so waiting for the first SC that actually says "Do you know who I am?" to us. I know I am.

[Rapscallion]

Guy I know worked at an engineering shop. There were no supervisors around and the phone went - it was the big boss, but the engineer answering the phone didn't know it.

"Yes?" he snapped.

"That's no way to answer the phone! Don't you know who I am?"

"Do you know who I am?"

"Well, no..."

"Then fuck off."

*click*

They never caught him. Solidarity and all that...

Rapscallion

[Imogene]

Yes, but many of us are so waiting for the first SC that actually says "Do you know who I am?" to us. I know I am.

*Yakko impression*
"Do you know who I am?"
"No..."
"Then we're even!"
*/Yakko impression*