Snappy comebacks...

[allniter]

this is one I used on a customer. I work at a call center and often get those annoying people calling in who complain about everything under the sun. Well I finally got one who just opened themselves up to getting back an answer they didn't like:

SC: Paul, are you listening. Ok, tell me this. "Is the customer always right?"
Me: Only if they can PROVE it.

Whereas some people might flip out, I don't think it was the response she's used to getting. So being stunned, she instantly stopped her rant and shut up.

[HawaiianShirts]

Is anyone else thinking of a Simpsons bit?
Lisa: Dad, you can't drive without a license.
Homer: I'll have to try!

Anyway, I have a few of those. Not extremely entertaining, but I can have fun with some customers.

Customer: Where are your flash drives?
Me: (Takes two steps to stand in front of said flash drives.) I'm sorry. That's classified information.

Customer: 36 dollars for an ink cartridge? Good God, that's expensive!
Me: Yes it is, but you can just call me Hawaiian Shirts.

And one I got from an earlier incarnation of Customers Suck...
Customer: Are you free?
Me: No, actually I'm rather expensive.

[Jester]

Customer: 36 dollars for an ink cartridge? Good God, that's expensive!
Me: Yes it is, but you can just call me Hawaiian Shirts.

I routinely use a variation of that.

CUSTOMER: "God, that's good beer!" or "God that's expensive!" or "Good Lord, that's a killer deal!" etc., etc.

JESTER: "Yes, but the name's Jester. It's the beard that confuses people."

[Broomjockey]

Is anyone else thinking of a Simpsons bit?
Lisa: Dad, you can't drive without a license.
Homer: I'll have to try!

My response is "I can drive. I just don't have the piece of plastic that says I'm allowed to.

Licences don't confer ability. They don't even attest to ability (see various driving rant threads scattered through the boards, for instance). All they do is say that you are allowed, by law, to do something.

[Jester]

"You can't drive past a stop sign!"
"Watch me!"

[dougiezerts]

Not sure if this counts as a snappy answer, but here it goes:
Me--What city is it in?
SC--Maryland
Me (exasporated)--Not the state! What city?

[Cosmic Cat]

I got asked this when I worked in fast food:

C: What do you have that's healthy?
Me: Water

[Crosshair]

Here is one

Manager: (Looking at me restacking a pallet of freight that fell while I was moving it.) Did you bump test that?
Me: I just did.

[Jester]

One I use on a lot of tourists here in Key West...

T: "Where are the nice beaches?"
J: "Key Largo."

Key Largo is, of course, 90 miles up the Keys. As I tell tourists, Key West is known for many lovely and wondeful things. Great beaches ain't one of them.

[TYFSOK]

I've posted this before...

Customer: "I'm looking for a book."
Me: "Darned good thing you're in a Barnes & Noble, then."

After something doesn't ring up on the first try:
Customer: "That means it's free, right?"
Me: "No, actually, that means it's priceless."

[Jester]

C: "We'd like some food."
J: "Good thing you're here. If you had gone to Chevron, you would have been amazingly disappointed."

Sadly, so few customers get that joke.