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Moseying around the furniture department, scan scan scan print print print.
When an outside call comes in for furniture.
Hello! Furniture department, how can I help you? So you bought a glider/recliner chair from us, and the frame's busted. So you want to return it....
Oh, but you don't have the receipt anymore? Sorry!
*cue TPiR losing horns: Bomp bomp ba bomp BWAAAAAMMMMPPPPP....*
You know the policy: No receipt, no return, no gift card, no store credit blah blah blah bling bling bling blah. Okay, do you have your instruction manual so you can call the 800-number inside?
No? You pitched that too? Well gee, ah, um, this is never pleasant to say but...you're kinda SOL. Without a receipt or the 800-number there isn't much we can do. Thanks for calling! Bye.
30 Minutes later:
Hello! Furniture department, how can I help you?
You again? Look, I thought I told you to go take a flying leap already--what? You have a number for me? Okay, what is it?
Okay, the number doesn't do anything for me. I can't look up your stupid chair with the number you gave me. Next time hang on to the receipt.
What's that you say? Do I treat all my customers like this? No. Just the unusually stupid ones such as yourself. I only know you from these two stimulating phone conversations we've had, but it's obvious to me what you call a "brain" I call "a vast, cold, barren expanse of nothingness populated by lone lone brain cell-ish thingy with a pisser going and its finger up its nose."
For the last time, if you don't have your receipt, we cannot allow you to return your chair. Although I might be able to go in back and try to take the instructions out of a similar but differently colored chair. They'll be at the service desk. Okay. B-yah.
At this point I opened up the box for a chair similar to hers (different colored upholstery but otherwise exactly the same as hers in every other way), copied them, and gave them to the service desk to hang onto for the customer's return. Evidently she never returned.
So I went back to doing my normal big important things, and mentally stabbing this woman in the face, when another outside call came in for furniture:
Hello! Furniture department, how can I help you? Okay, so you have this bookcase? And a part's missing? And you need a new one? Okay, do you have your instructions handy, because they will contain an 800-number I will ask you to call?
No? Your kids threw it out with all the styrofoam and packing material? Damn kids. Okay, so you want to do a return instead? Why sure! It turns out we have one more of this bookcase in stock? You have your receipt?
Okay, so your wife has it, and she's in Chicago on business, and she has the receipt on her. This is not looking good. But maybe we can salvage something here. How did you pay for the bookcase?
Cash?
Excuse me. I need to go laugh in the evil, maniacal manner Joseph Stalin may have laughed when he enslaved all of Eastern Europe.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Okay, now that that's done. you're boned. You know the drill. No receipt, no return, cross your heart and hope to die, stick a needle in your eye, eat a cow manure pie. Had you paid by check or credit card, we could've looked up your receipt for you and done the return. Guess you'll have to wait until your wife and your receipt return from Chi-town.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What's that you say? I don't stand behind my product? Actually, I wouldn't stand in front of it either. Bye now.
Story doesn't end here! The caller returned sans receipt, but with the box for the bookcase. The service desk person called for the carryout person, who didn't answer the page after it went over the PA 4 times, so I got stuck with it.
When I answered, the service desk person asked me to bring up the other bookcase so we could dig the missing part out of it.
*tires screeching*
I asked the service desk person "Does he have his receipt?"
"No. He has the box for the bookcase."
"Would it be possible to look it up? Did he pay by check or credit card?"
"I'll go check....No, he paid cash so I can't look it up."
"Then I can't do anything for him if he can't prove he actually bought the bookcase."
CUSTOMER: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE or some such.
Me: "At least call a manager over and let them make the final call here."
"Okay, I'll do that. I'll call back if we still need the part."
I never got the call back. Either they told the customer to pound sand or dug out his missing part themselves.
When an outside call comes in for furniture.
Hello! Furniture department, how can I help you? So you bought a glider/recliner chair from us, and the frame's busted. So you want to return it....
Oh, but you don't have the receipt anymore? Sorry!
*cue TPiR losing horns: Bomp bomp ba bomp BWAAAAAMMMMPPPPP....*
You know the policy: No receipt, no return, no gift card, no store credit blah blah blah bling bling bling blah. Okay, do you have your instruction manual so you can call the 800-number inside?
No? You pitched that too? Well gee, ah, um, this is never pleasant to say but...you're kinda SOL. Without a receipt or the 800-number there isn't much we can do. Thanks for calling! Bye.
30 Minutes later:
Hello! Furniture department, how can I help you?
You again? Look, I thought I told you to go take a flying leap already--what? You have a number for me? Okay, what is it?Okay, the number doesn't do anything for me. I can't look up your stupid chair with the number you gave me. Next time hang on to the receipt.
What's that you say? Do I treat all my customers like this? No. Just the unusually stupid ones such as yourself. I only know you from these two stimulating phone conversations we've had, but it's obvious to me what you call a "brain" I call "a vast, cold, barren expanse of nothingness populated by lone lone brain cell-ish thingy with a pisser going and its finger up its nose."
For the last time, if you don't have your receipt, we cannot allow you to return your chair. Although I might be able to go in back and try to take the instructions out of a similar but differently colored chair. They'll be at the service desk. Okay. B-yah.
At this point I opened up the box for a chair similar to hers (different colored upholstery but otherwise exactly the same as hers in every other way), copied them, and gave them to the service desk to hang onto for the customer's return. Evidently she never returned.
So I went back to doing my normal big important things, and mentally stabbing this woman in the face, when another outside call came in for furniture:
Hello! Furniture department, how can I help you? Okay, so you have this bookcase? And a part's missing? And you need a new one? Okay, do you have your instructions handy, because they will contain an 800-number I will ask you to call?
No? Your kids threw it out with all the styrofoam and packing material? Damn kids. Okay, so you want to do a return instead? Why sure! It turns out we have one more of this bookcase in stock? You have your receipt?
Okay, so your wife has it, and she's in Chicago on business, and she has the receipt on her. This is not looking good. But maybe we can salvage something here. How did you pay for the bookcase?
Cash?
Excuse me. I need to go laugh in the evil, maniacal manner Joseph Stalin may have laughed when he enslaved all of Eastern Europe.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Okay, now that that's done. you're boned. You know the drill. No receipt, no return, cross your heart and hope to die, stick a needle in your eye, eat a cow manure pie. Had you paid by check or credit card, we could've looked up your receipt for you and done the return. Guess you'll have to wait until your wife and your receipt return from Chi-town.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What's that you say? I don't stand behind my product? Actually, I wouldn't stand in front of it either. Bye now.
Story doesn't end here! The caller returned sans receipt, but with the box for the bookcase. The service desk person called for the carryout person, who didn't answer the page after it went over the PA 4 times, so I got stuck with it.
When I answered, the service desk person asked me to bring up the other bookcase so we could dig the missing part out of it.
*tires screeching*
I asked the service desk person "Does he have his receipt?"
"No. He has the box for the bookcase."
"Would it be possible to look it up? Did he pay by check or credit card?"
"I'll go check....No, he paid cash so I can't look it up."
"Then I can't do anything for him if he can't prove he actually bought the bookcase."
CUSTOMER: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE or some such.
Me: "At least call a manager over and let them make the final call here."
"Okay, I'll do that. I'll call back if we still need the part."
I never got the call back. Either they told the customer to pound sand or dug out his missing part themselves.
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