OMFG.

[Mr Hero]

Just....omg, dude. GAH!
7) It’s cold outside. I am alone and there are wolves.

Simpsons reference FTW.

Surely there’s someplace there you can buy some sort of head gear or at least kill something and turn it into a hat. Either way you’d save some of your precious coin. Which you could convert into yet more beer or Cheetos or something. You know, important things. Not that hats aren’t important. I realize they rank up there around food or oxygen in your odd little world, though they don’t quite eclipse pants. But still, think of the future! Think of investing! If you spent just another week table dancing at family reunions you could afford to call back and order pants. Think of it! Pants! With gold foil on the butt cheeks. But only one cheek. You’d need to save up for about two weeks if you wanted to go for double butt cool.

You sir win extra points for the reference to the gold-butt jeans.

The End of an Era

This lone person is the font of the majority of my sorrow this evening. This single, misguided, greedy little fudge goblin was the one responsible for the woe that was wrought upon all between 12 and 12:30. It started innocently enough. All she wanted was a shirt. A single garment with which to encase herself with and avoid being arrested at IHOP. Again. But than it occurred to her: Wait, if but one shirt can prevent a public indecency charge, than two shirts could surely stave off a more serious charge. Such as a snow mobile DUI. Than began her downward spiral. If two shirts could avoid the drunk tank, than several shirts could surely impart near diplomatic immunity.

By several I mean every shirt in the catalog. Yes, that’s right. Every single shirt in the catalog. I know because I began to grow suspicious of the sheer amount of garment she was ordering and checked the catalog. She was simply going along the pages and ordering every damn shirt there. I do mean every shirt too. Shirt after shirt after shirt. This she-shirt bandit was not content with one shirt. Or two. Or even ten. Oh no. She wanted them all. I’m not entirely sure why. I don’t know if she wanted to try to wear them all at once in an attempt to repel gunfire or if she wanted to just sort of roll around in a big pile of them or if she was going to try to use them to re-roof her house. But she needed them. All of them.

The only thing that finally brought this madness to an end was the $900 order limit. Yes, she ordered $900 worth of shirts. Her final tally was 19 shirts and that was only after I stopped her and had her remove some to get back under the limit. But no, my misery would not end there. It occurred to her that she would have to wait at least 2 weeks for her precious cloth so she wanted to spend just a few more moments basking in glow of her new treasures. At which point she made me read back and confirm every. Single. Shirt.

I do not know what’s happening up there. With this single cataclysmic event there appears to be a shift. Hats and pants have been thrown to the wayside. The dark reign of shirt has begun and it has found its Queen.

Maybe you should rephrase your instructions. You wouldn't want to be the one to blame when she was told to remove a shirt, would you?

3) We do not care what type of card you have.

It does not matter to us if you have a Gold, Platinum, Obsidian, Butterscotch or Cherry Visa Card. Again, all that matters is the “Visa” part. Your attempts at impressing us with your credit limit are futile, I assure you. If you want to impress us with your wealth, pony up for the maximum donation. Wealth does not impress us. However, charity will briefly melt our black, frozen hearts.

Just to amend to this bit of advice, it does not matter whether you're using a credit or a debit card. You'll get the order you want so long as you tell us those 16 numbers on the card.

Wark~

Me: “Ok, can I have your first name please?”
SC: “Jermaine”
Me: “Ok, and your last name please?”
SC: “<At this point she made a noise like a chocobo trying to swallow a live cat while being slammed in a car door.>
Me: “…can you spell that please?”
SC: “..huh?”

Isn't he related to Steve Kupo?

Another set of stories that did not disapoint.

[Gravekeeper]

It all started when a friend offered me a vowel.

Hahaha, you are a strange bird, Raps. =p

I await your inevitable fall from grace when end up in a dirty hotel room at 4AM reading Z's off a hooker's chest. <nods>

Oh, good lord Jester, you're not going to actually attempt to somehow DEFEND this turd thief, are you?

In the end I spent about 5-6 minutes on the line with him trying to convince him to call 911. His lawyer wasn't awake yet ( obviously ) so I ended up being unable to do anything except leave a message for his lawyer to call as soon as he got up. Despite my pleading by the end of the call I still got the impression he was just going to sit there with the corpse till his lawyer got up.

I've been checking the news to see if anything popped up yet. But nothing has. ( Well, the cops are investigating 2009's first homicide as of yesterday...but I'm hoping that's unrelated. -.- )

Just to amend to this bit of advice, it does not matter whether you're using a credit or a debit card. You'll get the order you want so long as you tell us those 16 numbers on the card.

See, this is why Amex is a freak. It only has 15 numbers. Its like its missing a chromosome.

[Chromatix]

And the ridiculous thing about that - in Russian, there is no 'W', but there is a 'V'!

Probably true, but not all Slavic languages are the same. Czech, Polish, Latvian, Lithuanian and Ukrainian are all distinct languages under that umbrella, and I bet there are more. I wouldn't be at all surprised if one had no V but did have a W.

Estonian is not Slavic, BTW. It's Fennic.

[smileyeagle1021]

See, this is why Amex is a freak. It only has 15 numbers. Its like its missing a chromosome.

you forgot to mention that they also group the numbers as 4-6-5... no other company would even think of splitting numbers like that... they are like the drunken cousin that we all smile and nod when he talks in hopes he'll think we understand and he shuts up.

[Jester]

Estonian is not Slavic, BTW. It's Fennic.

I actually knew this.

But my roommate Mr. Anti-Social is Estonian, AND I once dated an Estonian girl, so I have an advantage in that particular bit of lore.

[Mr Hero]

See, this is why Amex is a freak. It only has 15 numbers. Its like its missing a chromosome.

Does this mean that Discover is more socially accepted than AmEx?

[tamezin]

Just....omg, dude. GAH!


The only thing that finally brought this madness to an end was the $900 order limit. Yes, she ordered $900 worth of shirts. Her final tally was 19 shirts and that

Ok that averages to around $47 a shirt. To alot of people that would not sound like a lot of money, but I am cheap, show me the clearance rack and I am a happy camper. I am guessing someone had a manic moment and will just as likely return everything once buyer's remorse sets in. Or in my case blind panic at the thought of the bill.

[Animae]

I am guessing someone had a manic moment and will just as likely return everything once buyer's remorse sets in. Or in my case blind panic at the thought of the bill.

I think since it was a COD order, that the chances are that she will never pick it up, and it will get sent back to the company, to await more people from 867 to come and order them again.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

Ok that averages to around $47 a shirt. To alot of people that would not sound like a lot of money, but I am cheap, show me the clearance rack and I am a happy camper. I am guessing someone had a manic moment and will just as likely return everything once buyer's remorse sets in. Or in my case blind panic at the thought of the bill.

Must be. I always get my shirts when some place is having an under-$10 sale on the things, then stock up.

But then, I still have shirts I wore in high school.

[SG15Z]

OMG Raps!! That was awesome!! I'm never gonna look at books the same way again!

[cinema guy]

*stands up*

"My name is Cinema Guy and I am a bookaholic."

[smileyeagle1021]

Must be. I always get my shirts when some place is having an under-$10 sale on the things, then stock up.
.

you would LOVE Deseret Industries... they almost never have anything over $10... I know this will make me sound a lot gayer than I really am, but we should go shopping

[dalesys]

Vas he ordering nuclear wessels?

No, he did too much LDS in the sixties.

[Cyphr]

whats all the fuss over nuclear rats?

[Ironclad Alibi]

Remember those warnings from the government? They're not kidding, folks. Thesauri are the truly hard stuff. After that, it was plain sailing into primers, then short stories, and eventually novels. Vowels and consonants had nothing on this - I spent hours locked away in my house on an evening, making sure my curtains were closed in case the neighbours saw me reading.

Yes, you must be careful about that sort of activity. Someone might report you to the firemen*, and things would get hot for you.

*See Fahrenheit 451 for reference.