Customer Instructions

[Fast_Eddie]

Hello all ... long-time reader, first-time poster here. A little background info on me: I work every now and then for a regional supermarket chain in the Midwest. I did this full-time for a few years during my undergrad coursework, and now grab a few occasional shifts during down times at my normal job, which is seasonal. Right now it's the offseason and things are slow, so I've been spending a fair amount of time in the store lately.

I mainly work at the service desk, but spend some odd time out on the sales floor when needed. What follows is a list of helpful tips for our customers, inspired by my extremely long list of pet peeves and annoyances. Most of these, I'm sure, are nothing new to you guys, but here they are anyhow.

• Don't come to the desk or to my line while on your cellphone, unless you can handle simultaneous conversations. I'm not a talkative person, but I will ask you 8 billion questions just to piss you off.
• When you hand me a stack of bills, instructing me to "count it just to be sure" is 100% unnecessary. They pretty much pay me to stand here and count money -- I'm not just going to take your word for it.
• If your order is $7.03 and you hand me a ten, I'm perfectly willing to wait for you to hand me three pennies as long as it won't take you six months to find them. You have about five seconds to convince me that you aren't going to make me wait an eternity. After that, you're getting 97 cents whether you like it or not. Your time is not the only factor at play here.
• We use the word "express" to describe the express lane for a reason. If you aren't prepared to finish the transaction quickly, go stand in line somewhere else.
• Yes, I realize that the credit/debit reader is a little different everywhere you go. I also realize that everywhere you go, they have instructions to guide you through the process. Read the instructions, please. I'm not going to do it for you just because you're too lazy to put out a token effort.
• If we're sold out of postage stamps, don't sigh and ask me where you're supposed to go to get stamps. I hear the U.S. Post Office carries them these days.
• We're a supermarket, not a bank. No, I will not accept your $100 bill for a $7 order, and no, you're not getting a roll of quarters with your change. There's a bank thirty yards away.
• Don't ask me to scratch off your lottery tickets because you think I'm good luck. If I wanted to play the lottery, I'd do it on my own time, not at work.
• Don't ask me to interpret your lottery scratch-offs either. If you're not bright enough to figure out whether or not you won, you probably shouldn't be wasting money playing the lottery in the first place.
• If I put your order in plastic bags because you weren't paying attention when I asked, don't expect me to resack everything in paper after I finish.
• Every week, we have some items in the store that are on sale if you present your store card to the cashier. In that sense, the card is just like money as far as we're concerned. You wouldn't expect me to pull cash out of my wallet if you forgot to bring money, so don't expect me to give you the sale price if you can't be bothered to carry a 20-gram card in your wallet or on your keychain.
• If you're going to write a check, have it filled out beforehand. The name of the store and the date aren't going to change while you're in line -- make yourself useful and fill that stuff in rather than reading National Enquirer.
• Here's how the transaction works: I tell you how much money you owe to walk out the door with the products you chose, you pay me, and I give you a receipt to prove that you purchased the items you're leaving with. The receipt is yours -- don't leave your trash at my register, and don't tell me that I can keep it. It's not thrilling for me at all, I promise. If you don't want it, get rid of it yourself.
• If you brought your own bags today, give those to the sacker at the beginning of the order, not the end. Otherwise he just stands there useless for a few minutes, which is really fun for him, but not terribly useful.
• If you need something specific, try to find it on your own first. Do not walk in the door and ask me "where are the eggs?" We've surreptitiously hidden them in the aisle directly under the enormous sign marked with the word "EGGS" ... see if you can crack our code, detective.
• No, I don't know if that gallon of milk is $2.50 before I scan it. We carry about 30,000 items ... surprisingly, I'm not required to memorize the prices of all 30,000, so I don't bother memorizing any of them.
• If I'm looking for the PLU for watercress so I can ring it properly, don't say "It's watercress ... $1.79 a bunch." Yes, thank you. We have a computer system for a reason ... I'm not going to just enter the price you quote and call it a day, and believe it or not, I can identify watercress without your help. Is there any other useless information you'd like to share, or can I go back to doing my job now?
• Do not, under any circumstances, put your money on the belt. Hand it to me directly. Anything else is just rude, and if you're dumb enough to put it on the belt and it ends up in the magical place where flat things go when the belt moves, tough cookies.
• Policy is policy. All of ours are clearly posted at the service desk, and as long as I'm running the store, we're going to follow them. I don't care if you think it's stupid or if somebody else let you do it once before ... I'm not somebody else, and there's a good reason for the policy even if you don't possess the mental agility to understand it.
• Insulting or abusive behavior is a one-way ticket to Good Luck With That City. Surprise, we don't leave $3000 in cash just laying around on the off chance that someone comes in to pick up a $3000 Western Union transaction. I'll work with you any way I can, but if you yell at me because I can't pay out $3000 in cash right this minute, well ... here's your form back, sir. Good luck with that. We're done here.

I'm sure there are others ... feel free to pile on with your own peeves. Hopefully this is at least a little entertaining to read. In any event, it makes me feel a little better to unload them here, so thanks for letting me vent.

[Imogene]

If I put your order in plastic bags because you weren't paying attention when I asked, don't expect me to resack everything in paper after I finish.

*blink, grab paper bag, unfold it, start dumping plastic bagged items into open paper bag* "What rebagging? You said you wanted it in a paper bag."

By the way, Welcome to CS... enjoy your stay, keep your hands and arms inside the carpet at all times.

[trailerparkmedic]

I haven't worked at the grocery store for a long time, but oh, how it scarred me!! I want to add a couple!!

Don't bring in expired coupons, then attempt to guilt trip me into allowing you to use them. "But diapers are so expensive! Can't you help me out just this once??" Yes, they are pricey, but if you're really that broke, shouldn't you be buying the store brand diapers that are $4 less than the brand name you're trying to purchase with a $1 coupon.

Do not complain if you have last week's ad and everything is still not on sale. It clearly states on the bottom what days it runs through, so pay attention! Also, don't try complaining that "Other Grocery Store" has sales that run Thursday-Wednesday instead of our Wednesday-Tuesday, and it's just TOO hard to remember.

Do not complain when you come in at 3 pm the day before Thanksgiving and we're out of fresh turkeys. Do not then pout and complain that your Thanksgiving is ruined. I can't make any non frozen turkeys magically appear, and the longer you stand here means the less time you have to start a water bath.

Don't try coming through my line with a WIC check and Velveeta. Velveeta is not cheese, it is "processed cheese food." Does the fact that it is kept in the middle of the store, unrefrigerated, not tip you off that it may be different than real cheese??

[BethB]

I just love the "walking right in the door and can't find things" bit. I've seen people walk right in the door, walk straight down to the lab, and ask where printer cartridges are. Without even attempting to walk the two aisles to their right. Or the "guess I didn't go far enough". apparently not or you would have seen the whole row of big boxes of telephones!!!!

[PepperElf]

I hear the U.S. Post Office carries them these days.

Since when?

(jk)

[Kogarashi]

I just love the "walking right in the door and can't find things" bit. I've seen people walk right in the door, walk straight down to the lab, and ask where printer cartridges are. Without even attempting to walk the two aisles to their right. Or the "guess I didn't go far enough". apparently not or you would have seen the whole row of big boxes of telephones!!!!

See, I only do either of those when it's some obscure item that could be in any of ten different locations in the store, and won't be listed on the signs. And I do usually try to put in an effort first, unless I know it's going to be a tough find (at which point I avail myself of the first employee who asks me if I need assistance because they'll likely know just where it is).

Case in point: I needed to pick up toothpicks. I looked through the kitchen aisles, the paper goods aisles, and the baking aisle, and couldn't find them. An employee finally helped me locate them in the paper goods aisle, but in a completely different spot than I would've pegged. Another time, the employee found the item I wanted in an aisle I'd been down at least three times, and all I could do was facepalm and say, "I can't believe I didn't see those."

[Alpha Strike]

[*] Don't come to the desk or to my line while on your cellphone, unless you can handle simultaneous conversations. I'm not a talkative person, but I will ask you 8 billion questions just to piss you off.

Winner! This alone wins you some sort of prize for an awesome response to one of the most irritating habits known to mankind.

[*] If you need something specific, try to find it on your own first. Do not walk in the door and ask me "where are the eggs?" We've surreptitiously hidden them in the aisle directly under the enormous sign marked with the word "EGGS" ... see if you can crack our code, detective.

I admit to being guilty of this on occasion, although typically only with harder-to-find items and usually if I'm in a hurry. It's just so much faster to ask someone what aisle to look in then to run around if I'm unsure of where something might be.


And welcome to Customers Suck!

[auntiem]

See, I only do either of those when it's some obscure item that could be in any of ten different locations in the store, and won't be listed on the signs. And I do usually try to put in an effort first, unless I know it's going to be a tough find (at which point I avail myself of the first employee who asks me if I need assistance because they'll likely know just where it is).

Case in point: I needed to pick up toothpicks. I looked through the kitchen aisles, the paper goods aisles, and the baking aisle, and couldn't find them. An employee finally helped me locate them in the paper goods aisle, but in a completely different spot than I would've pegged. Another time, the employee found the item I wanted in an aisle I'd been down at least three times, and all I could do was facepalm and say, "I can't believe I didn't see those."

I do the same for those jars of little onions. I've seen those on nearly every aisle except the pet food aisle practically. I look first at the relish/pickle section if they aren't there I'm at a loss to where else would be more logical.

[Summerfly413]

• Don't come to the desk or to my line while on your cellphone, unless you can handle simultaneous conversations. I'm not a talkative person, but I will ask you 8 billion questions just to piss you off.

Haha that's what I do too.
"Hi, how are you?"
"Did you want the hangers on these?"
"Is this going to be one order?"
"Did you want the replacement plan for that?"
"Did you want to apply for a <store credit card>?"
"Oh, did you want a bag for this?"
"Is that debit for credit?"
"Ok, here's your receipt! Have a GREAT day!"


-If you want something in a bag(that 90% of the shopping population doesn't need a bag for) TELL ME. I hate when people grab my bags, making them all fall off. I know how to keep them on there, just have me do it. That's what I'm paid for.

-Alternatively, if you DON'T want a bag for an item, don't stand there and watch me struggle with opening a bag. Trying to fit the item in the bag neatly and correctly so you won't think I'm mishandling your merchanise. Then watch me set it down, and tell me "Oh, I don't really need a bag, thanks."

[mattm04]

DO NOT tell me to keep the change. It may only be three cents or something like that but I have no where to out it. Do you see a take a penny leave a penny thing? No. Good.

I have no where to out it. I can't take it a s tip not leave it in the drawer, so therefore I must leave it on the counter an hope someone else will take it, which no one will.

[VComps]

National Enquirer[/I].

You know, every time I peruse this forum, it still just gets me that any store actually still accepts cheques...

Where I live (Canadians, you with me?) basically the only thing cheques are good for is paying bills and arranging pre-authorized debits (with a big pretty VOID across them.)

I feel such massive sympathy for you guys about the bad cheques you get, especially when it could all be neatly avoided if a bunch of head office clowns could find a cure for their cranial-rectal inversions and stop accepting them.

[Kogarashi]

Alternatively, if you're not going to fill out any part of the check at all until I tell you the total, then please, for the love of Pete, listen to me when I tell you that Walmart's registers will print the entire check for you, since they're run electronically anyway.

Don't look up at me, blink in surprise, say, "Oh, that's neat! What a great idea!" and then continue to fill out every last line of the check at a snail's pace. Didn't you hear the part about the register filling out every part of the check? Yes, even the date. Yes, the total too. You make me want to ram my head against the register keyboard.

Or would, if I still worked as a cashier. This one still gets me.