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Bear in mind, this was all many, many years ago, shortly after my return from Uncle Sam's Yacht Club in the late 1980s. I worked the overnight shift at a 24-hour convenience store four days a week.
I don't know how it works elsewhere, but in THIS state, retail alcohol sales are (or at least WERE) verboten between the hours of 1 a.m. and 6 a.m. That isn't a loose suggestion. That is STATE LAW. Penalties for violating this law include loss of your beer license (which for a convenience store can spell Death with a capital D), hefty fines, and imprisonment. So yeah, they take it seriously.
Every night at 1 a.m., those coolers got padlocked, without exception. And oh, the wailing, the wheedling, the threats, the howls of despair, the gnashing of the teeth! EVERY. FUCKING. NIGHT.
Fortunately, working third shift, I could get away with a LOT of shit.
For your amusement, then, here are few examples of the attempts to circumvent the lockdown.
"But it's only ten minutes after one!"
The key word there being 'after', genius.
"But I got caught in traffic!"
And curiously, the law does not make provision for your bad luck or lack of planning.
"They sell beer until (X time) down the street!"
If that's true, then go there instead. But we both know it ISN'T true, so you're shit out of luck.
"My (insert relative here) is a cop.
Doubtful AND irrelevent. I couldn't even sell to him/her/it, much less YOU.
"How about I give you the money now, and you ring the sale in the morning?"
How about NO?
"What if I gave you $20?"
You REALLY think $20 is worth risking unemployment, jail, and/or the hefty fines if I get busted for violating the state's alcohol laws? Get a clue, Scooby Doo. Twenty bucks ain't shit.
"The guy on the other shift sells beer!"
Yeah, that's on the OTHER SHIFT. The shift that is NOT affected by the 'no beer between 1 a.m. and 6 a.m." law.
"That's a STUPID rule!"
Of course it is. But it's not actually a rule, see. It's STATE LAW. And how well or poorly conceived it is has little bearing on the fact that it IS the law. And that cooler is going to remain padlocked until either the law changes, or until 6 a.m - whichever occurs first. Guess which one *I'M* betting on.
"But it's my BIRTHDAY!
Happy birthday. The SODA cooler is to your left.
"Nobody will know!" (alternate: "Nobody will care!")
Famous last words, skippy. Did you somehow not notice the surveillance cameras?
"I'll bet YOU can buy beer!"
Why, yes. Yes, I can. AFTER six a.m., like everybody else. It doesn't bother me to wait until then, because I don't go home until 8.
"My (insert acquaintance or relative here) says (he/she/it) bought beer here after one!"
Not from me, (he/she/it) didn't.
"But the party's just getting started and I've run out of beer!"
Clearly, you should have purchased more than you did. However, it is too late to rectify that problem.
"I'll SUE!"
Please, please, PLEASE tell me you didn't really think that was going to change my mind. Because if you DID believe that, then you have SINGLE HANDEDLY reduced the average IQ of the entire fucking human race by like 40 points with the colossal black hole of stupidity that exists within your cranium. Please leave NOW before what little intellect I still have gets sucked into your vortex of idiocy, rendering me a virtual clone of…..well, you.
"You're a DICK! (asshole, jerk, whatever)"
Aw, now you've done it. You've gone and hurt my feelings. Alas, I am cast out! My life has become a crushing dark void, a vast gray wasteland of grief and sorrow, for no longer do I walk in favor and grace amongst The Cool. Oh, the despair! How shall I ever endure this shame, this misery? How? HOW!? Oh, wait, I know how - by laughing in your face and telling you to get the fuck out of my store.
Yeah, that works. I feel MUCH better now.
"I'm not leaving until you sell me beer!"
I've actually had a few attempt this one. While I can tell them to leave, and have the police enforce it if necessary, I always found it's more amusing to watch them make good on their 'threat'. If you're stupid enough to try this with me, you're going to discover some things:
1) There's no place to sit in a convenience store.
2) There's not much to do in a convenience store unless you actually WORK there.
3) There's a reason the magazines are kept behind the counter.
4) I don't have a public restroom.
5) Time passes VERY slowly when you're standing around doing nothing (especially if you have to piss)
6) You won't get any sympathy from me . I am, after all, a dick. Read the previous story for proof.
7) Your presence (or lack thereof) will affect the outcome not one teensy little bit.. The cooler isn't going to be opened until six.
Incidentally, none who have sworn this oath before me have endured more than about 15 minutes. Weaklings.
"Do you have any idea who I am?"
Do you have any idea how little I care?
"Call your manager!"
Not gonna happen. Because regardless of what he says, I am LEGALLY PREVENTED from selling beer after 1 a.m. So calling him is utterly, completely pointless - in addition to the utterly ridiculous notion that you want me to wake him up at this hour for something as trivial as this.
"I'll have your job for this!"
Mister, you couldn't DO my job. It requires a brain, and the ability to accept that you are not allowed to do certain things. Clearly, you're not qualified.
The Stare™ (or is it the Glare™?)
Obviously, not a customer's verbalization, but a response to being informed that I could not sell beer after one a.m. She did not say a word, nor would she move. This wasn't one of those ' … ' moments, either. She actually tried to stare me down. She HONESTLY believed that if she stared at me long enough, I would break out the keys and open the coolers for her. I ignored her and went back to my work. After about five minutes of this, she apparently got the hint and left.
Aaaanaaaand of course everybody's favorite….
"I'm never shopping here again!"
Promises, promises….
I don't know how it works elsewhere, but in THIS state, retail alcohol sales are (or at least WERE) verboten between the hours of 1 a.m. and 6 a.m. That isn't a loose suggestion. That is STATE LAW. Penalties for violating this law include loss of your beer license (which for a convenience store can spell Death with a capital D), hefty fines, and imprisonment. So yeah, they take it seriously.
Every night at 1 a.m., those coolers got padlocked, without exception. And oh, the wailing, the wheedling, the threats, the howls of despair, the gnashing of the teeth! EVERY. FUCKING. NIGHT.
Fortunately, working third shift, I could get away with a LOT of shit.
For your amusement, then, here are few examples of the attempts to circumvent the lockdown.
"But it's only ten minutes after one!"
The key word there being 'after', genius.
"But I got caught in traffic!"
And curiously, the law does not make provision for your bad luck or lack of planning.
"They sell beer until (X time) down the street!"
If that's true, then go there instead. But we both know it ISN'T true, so you're shit out of luck.
"My (insert relative here) is a cop.
Doubtful AND irrelevent. I couldn't even sell to him/her/it, much less YOU.
"How about I give you the money now, and you ring the sale in the morning?"
How about NO?
"What if I gave you $20?"
You REALLY think $20 is worth risking unemployment, jail, and/or the hefty fines if I get busted for violating the state's alcohol laws? Get a clue, Scooby Doo. Twenty bucks ain't shit.
"The guy on the other shift sells beer!"
Yeah, that's on the OTHER SHIFT. The shift that is NOT affected by the 'no beer between 1 a.m. and 6 a.m." law.
"That's a STUPID rule!"
Of course it is. But it's not actually a rule, see. It's STATE LAW. And how well or poorly conceived it is has little bearing on the fact that it IS the law. And that cooler is going to remain padlocked until either the law changes, or until 6 a.m - whichever occurs first. Guess which one *I'M* betting on.
"But it's my BIRTHDAY!
Happy birthday. The SODA cooler is to your left.
"Nobody will know!" (alternate: "Nobody will care!")
Famous last words, skippy. Did you somehow not notice the surveillance cameras?
"I'll bet YOU can buy beer!"
Why, yes. Yes, I can. AFTER six a.m., like everybody else. It doesn't bother me to wait until then, because I don't go home until 8.
"My (insert acquaintance or relative here) says (he/she/it) bought beer here after one!"
Not from me, (he/she/it) didn't.
"But the party's just getting started and I've run out of beer!"
Clearly, you should have purchased more than you did. However, it is too late to rectify that problem.
"I'll SUE!"
Please, please, PLEASE tell me you didn't really think that was going to change my mind. Because if you DID believe that, then you have SINGLE HANDEDLY reduced the average IQ of the entire fucking human race by like 40 points with the colossal black hole of stupidity that exists within your cranium. Please leave NOW before what little intellect I still have gets sucked into your vortex of idiocy, rendering me a virtual clone of…..well, you.
"You're a DICK! (asshole, jerk, whatever)"
Aw, now you've done it. You've gone and hurt my feelings. Alas, I am cast out! My life has become a crushing dark void, a vast gray wasteland of grief and sorrow, for no longer do I walk in favor and grace amongst The Cool. Oh, the despair! How shall I ever endure this shame, this misery? How? HOW!? Oh, wait, I know how - by laughing in your face and telling you to get the fuck out of my store.
Yeah, that works. I feel MUCH better now.
"I'm not leaving until you sell me beer!"
I've actually had a few attempt this one. While I can tell them to leave, and have the police enforce it if necessary, I always found it's more amusing to watch them make good on their 'threat'. If you're stupid enough to try this with me, you're going to discover some things:
1) There's no place to sit in a convenience store.
2) There's not much to do in a convenience store unless you actually WORK there.
3) There's a reason the magazines are kept behind the counter.
4) I don't have a public restroom.
5) Time passes VERY slowly when you're standing around doing nothing (especially if you have to piss)
6) You won't get any sympathy from me . I am, after all, a dick. Read the previous story for proof.
7) Your presence (or lack thereof) will affect the outcome not one teensy little bit.. The cooler isn't going to be opened until six.
Incidentally, none who have sworn this oath before me have endured more than about 15 minutes. Weaklings.
"Do you have any idea who I am?"
Do you have any idea how little I care?
"Call your manager!"
Not gonna happen. Because regardless of what he says, I am LEGALLY PREVENTED from selling beer after 1 a.m. So calling him is utterly, completely pointless - in addition to the utterly ridiculous notion that you want me to wake him up at this hour for something as trivial as this.
"I'll have your job for this!"
Mister, you couldn't DO my job. It requires a brain, and the ability to accept that you are not allowed to do certain things. Clearly, you're not qualified.
The Stare™ (or is it the Glare™?)
Obviously, not a customer's verbalization, but a response to being informed that I could not sell beer after one a.m. She did not say a word, nor would she move. This wasn't one of those ' … ' moments, either. She actually tried to stare me down. She HONESTLY believed that if she stared at me long enough, I would break out the keys and open the coolers for her. I ignored her and went back to my work. After about five minutes of this, she apparently got the hint and left.
Aaaanaaaand of course everybody's favorite….
"I'm never shopping here again!"
Promises, promises….
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