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The Master (Part 1)
Long time reader, first time poster! Woot! I felt a bit selfish reading all of these stories but not posting my own, so here is my little slice from the world of fast food. This is a compilation of events that occurred over the course of three years working for Big Corporate Pizza Chain and/or Big Corporate Burger Chain. Nowadays, the only stories I'd be bringing would be in Cursing out Coworkers, but these deserve their own mentioning. Part one will be BCP(izza)C, part two will be BCB(urger)C--including the cow spirit that haunted the store. And now a jump into the foray:
Big Corporate Pizza Chain
Time Traveler!
You wouldn't believe the sorts of customers I served at the till. Some of them were tall, some short. Some of them were big, some small. But nothing will ever top the time travelers. Their unfortunate power, to travel forwards in time, seemed to merely inconvenience them; for this, I show nothing but pity. I served one of their unfortunate kind once...
SC: It's not a cake
Me: I'm not a lie
SC1: *Walks up to our counter*
Me: BCPC, this is Bronzebow.
SC1: Yeah, I wanna order a pizza. How long's it take?
*At this point, I was pretty adept at guesstimating, based on the current work load and who was on shift. There weren't any orders up and the manager was making the pizzas. This is something I liked to call "optimal."*
Me: It'll take eight to ten minutes.
SC1: That sounds good. <Orders a typical large, nothing fancy>
Me: *Turns around and puts my little sticker on my little box. I like my stickers and my boxes. My station doesn't explode as long as I sticker the boxes.*
So my bossman grabs the pizza from the oven, boxes it, cuts it, gives it to me, and I give it to our super hero friend.
SC1: Thanks...and just so you know, it was twelve minutes.
Me: *Blink, blink,
* I'm sorry, sir.
SC1: *Grins and walks off.*
Confused and upset that my 17 year old ego was challenged, I checked the computer. The order was put in at 10:54am. The clock on the wall (adjusting for the minute it was fast) said it was 11:03am. In retrospect, my friend the box must have distracted me from observing the time traveler working his magic. I'm CERTAIN that, should I have turned around during my box bro time, I would've seen spinning and flashing lights akin to a Sailor Moon transformation as the seconds got eaten over and over.
I hope you find resolution, brave hero.
Patience sucks!
This was another quiet Sunday morning shift. Only three people are working to begin with: the manager, myself and a delivery driver. I'm doing phones and front counter, manager is making pizzas, and delivery driver is...delivering. I get one phone call from someone ordering a pizza. Nothing special. I take the order, tell her it'll be about a half an hour for delivery, and go back packaging the buffalo wings while daydreaming about one day being the pizza master. That was rudely interrupted by a phone call fifteen minutes later.
Me: BCPC, this is Bronzebow.
SC2: Hi, yeah...I ordered a pizza a while ago. Where is it?
Me: Okay, can I get your info?
SC2: This is Hungry McWorryB****, and my number is ###-####
Me: *asking the computer deity, still very happy and polite* ...I see you made an order about fifteen minutes ago. I told you it should be delivered in about thirty minutes, so you have another fifteen or so to go. *I see at this point that the pizza was being prepped to leave with the driver.* Your pizza is next up to be delivered, so it should be there in short order.
SC2: *grumbles* Okay...
Patience Really Sucks
The pizza master was only slightly perturbed. Either way, he was not to be deterred from his daydreaming at the front counter. That is, until ten minutes later. Ring, ring!
Me: BCPC, this is--
SC2: Yeah, I'm calling about my delivery. Shouldn't it be free now that it's been longer than a half hour? *I can practically HEAR the furrowed brows and hand-on-the-hip*
The pizza master snapped. His tone was sugary sweet.
Me: First, ma'am, it's only been twenty-five minutes. Second, the half hour or free advertisement hasn't been in place for about a decade because it was not safe for our drivers. Third, the driver left with your pizza about ten minutes ago, so you should expect him any second now.
SC2: (Huffs)...that's probably him at the door. *click*
The only regret is that the driver probably didn't get a tip. Then again, he probably wouldn't have anyway.
Now THAT's Canadian Bacon
Not really a sucky customer as much as it was a life changing moment.
One of the things I did on my job was coupon. That is, I was that annoying guy that put BCPC coupons on your door. It was sort of refreshing to get some sun during the day, even if it was sweltering in south Louisiana, but still! So happy-go-lucky me goes at it.
Eventually, I hit this one lonely street. Working my way down, I walked up this porch to deliver my precious deal savers. Instinct kicked in and told me to stop in my tracks; I'm right in front of the door of the house, but the raised patio extends a few more feet to make room for a swing. My eyes caught something that my brain hadn't quite figured out. Is that a naked dude? Is that a naked...hairy...spotted dude?
Against my better judgment, I turn to look. No, it's not a dude. Whew...momentary relief.
But it is a pig. Huge, naked pig. Almost as long as I am tall, huge, naked pig.
I don't know if pigs are territorial. I don't know if they bite. I don't know if he was seeking vengeance for the brothers I've sent into the oven. What I do know is, it was coming towards me and I wasn't about to find out. That house didn't get coupons.
Time Traveler strikes again!
This was a rather busy Saturday(?) night. As was typical for those dinner shifts, I was flying through calls as fast as I could, putting the receiver down for a split second before picking back up and taking another. I think someone at the toppings counter threw a piece of frozen beef at me for taking too many orders, but that's what you get when you employ the phone master. The shift is starting to wind down and delivery drivers are delivering the last of their pies. The phone rings. (I know I won't remember this verbatim, but this is a pretty damn close in-a-nutshell).
Me: BCPC, th--
SC3: WHERE IS MY PIZZA?!
Me: *
The air coming out of the phone speaker is practically vibrating.* ...I--
SC3: I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR AN HOUR FOR MY PIZZA!! YOU F***ERS ARE GONNA GET ME MY PIZZA RIGHT F***ING NOW!!
Me: *checking the phone number from the caller ID with any deliveries. I found his order and see it's marked as being delivered by this driver* Sir, I assure you--
SC3: NO! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!! YOU IDIOTS TOLD ME IT WOULD BE 45 MINUTES AND IT'S BEEN AN HOUR! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE
I'm shaking and way too pissed. I so wanted to call this guy on his behavior, but I wanted to take as much of the brunt off the delivery driver as I could. I know the lady with his pizza was the sweetest old woman and did NOT deserve that.
Me: Sir, the driver has your pizza and is on the road as we speak. I apologize for the wait, but Saturday nights are busy.
SC3: WHAT IS YOUR NAME???!!!!!
Me: Bronze.
SC3: BRONZE! IF THIS PIZZA IS NOT HERE IN TTTEEENNNN MINUTES, I'M CALLING BACK AND TALKING TO YYYOOOUUU!! *click*
I clocked out fifteen minutes later and went have the most hardcore chest workout of my life.
By the way, want to know how long the order's life was when he called? About 45 minutes.
ZOMG ANTS!
This was one of the last days at that job. It's a very slow weekday morning, only a handful of deliveries. I'm wondering what sort of super powers a pizza master would use to defeat a phone master when my inner Walter Mitty is once again interrupted by the damnable ringing device.
Me: BCPC, this is Bronzebow.
SC4: I have ants on my pizza!!!!!!!!1111!
So help me, it took every ounce of will power not to laugh at the randomness. Then I realized this wasn't my high school friend playing a prank. My heart stopped in my chest.
Me: I'm...sorry?
SC4: You heard me. I have ants...in my pizza!! What are you going to do about it?
Me:
Please hold for a moment, ma'am.
*Enter quick conversing with the MOD. She's not convinced. We need proof.*
Me: Ma'am? I've just talked with my manager, and we need to see this pizza. Please don't throw it out--we are sending one of our delivery drivers to pick it up.
SC4: I've already eaten a piece. Your company made me eat ants! What is your name?
Me: My name is Bronze.
SC4: What is your LAST name?!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't give that out over the phone. *No clue if that was true or not, but I certainly wasn't giving it to her either way*
SC4: Fine, Bronze. You pick up this pizza, and then I'm calling back to discuss my legal options.
Me: Yes ma'am. The driver should be there shortly.
After we hung up, I scoured the store. We found two crickets (south LA + summer + rain = indoor cricket extravaganza) and even those nowhere even near the make line or oven. No ants anywhere. I'm freaking out, wondering how ants got into the store. Finally, the driver gets back and we look at her pizza.
The ants? Yeah, that was oregano. The oven apparently makes the flakes curl up. The manager called the lady back, and to this day I haven't heard if anything more happened with that.
More to come in part two when I delve into BCBC. A quick peak of the titles:
Cheese Costs Extra?!
The Haunted Cow
ARE YOU STOOPID!!!cow!
Workin' Fries
Big Corporate Pizza Chain
Time Traveler!
You wouldn't believe the sorts of customers I served at the till. Some of them were tall, some short. Some of them were big, some small. But nothing will ever top the time travelers. Their unfortunate power, to travel forwards in time, seemed to merely inconvenience them; for this, I show nothing but pity. I served one of their unfortunate kind once...
SC: It's not a cake
Me: I'm not a lie
SC1: *Walks up to our counter*
Me: BCPC, this is Bronzebow.
SC1: Yeah, I wanna order a pizza. How long's it take?
*At this point, I was pretty adept at guesstimating, based on the current work load and who was on shift. There weren't any orders up and the manager was making the pizzas. This is something I liked to call "optimal."*
Me: It'll take eight to ten minutes.
SC1: That sounds good. <Orders a typical large, nothing fancy>
Me: *Turns around and puts my little sticker on my little box. I like my stickers and my boxes. My station doesn't explode as long as I sticker the boxes.*
So my bossman grabs the pizza from the oven, boxes it, cuts it, gives it to me, and I give it to our super hero friend.
SC1: Thanks...and just so you know, it was twelve minutes.
Me: *Blink, blink,
* I'm sorry, sir.SC1: *Grins and walks off.*
Confused and upset that my 17 year old ego was challenged, I checked the computer. The order was put in at 10:54am. The clock on the wall (adjusting for the minute it was fast) said it was 11:03am. In retrospect, my friend the box must have distracted me from observing the time traveler working his magic. I'm CERTAIN that, should I have turned around during my box bro time, I would've seen spinning and flashing lights akin to a Sailor Moon transformation as the seconds got eaten over and over.
I hope you find resolution, brave hero.
Patience sucks!
This was another quiet Sunday morning shift. Only three people are working to begin with: the manager, myself and a delivery driver. I'm doing phones and front counter, manager is making pizzas, and delivery driver is...delivering. I get one phone call from someone ordering a pizza. Nothing special. I take the order, tell her it'll be about a half an hour for delivery, and go back packaging the buffalo wings while daydreaming about one day being the pizza master. That was rudely interrupted by a phone call fifteen minutes later.
Me: BCPC, this is Bronzebow.
SC2: Hi, yeah...I ordered a pizza a while ago. Where is it?
Me: Okay, can I get your info?
SC2: This is Hungry McWorryB****, and my number is ###-####
Me: *asking the computer deity, still very happy and polite* ...I see you made an order about fifteen minutes ago. I told you it should be delivered in about thirty minutes, so you have another fifteen or so to go. *I see at this point that the pizza was being prepped to leave with the driver.* Your pizza is next up to be delivered, so it should be there in short order.
SC2: *grumbles* Okay...
Patience Really Sucks
The pizza master was only slightly perturbed. Either way, he was not to be deterred from his daydreaming at the front counter. That is, until ten minutes later. Ring, ring!
Me: BCPC, this is--
SC2: Yeah, I'm calling about my delivery. Shouldn't it be free now that it's been longer than a half hour? *I can practically HEAR the furrowed brows and hand-on-the-hip*
The pizza master snapped. His tone was sugary sweet.
Me: First, ma'am, it's only been twenty-five minutes. Second, the half hour or free advertisement hasn't been in place for about a decade because it was not safe for our drivers. Third, the driver left with your pizza about ten minutes ago, so you should expect him any second now.
SC2: (Huffs)...that's probably him at the door. *click*
The only regret is that the driver probably didn't get a tip. Then again, he probably wouldn't have anyway.
Now THAT's Canadian Bacon
Not really a sucky customer as much as it was a life changing moment.
One of the things I did on my job was coupon. That is, I was that annoying guy that put BCPC coupons on your door. It was sort of refreshing to get some sun during the day, even if it was sweltering in south Louisiana, but still! So happy-go-lucky me goes at it.
Eventually, I hit this one lonely street. Working my way down, I walked up this porch to deliver my precious deal savers. Instinct kicked in and told me to stop in my tracks; I'm right in front of the door of the house, but the raised patio extends a few more feet to make room for a swing. My eyes caught something that my brain hadn't quite figured out. Is that a naked dude? Is that a naked...hairy...spotted dude?
Against my better judgment, I turn to look. No, it's not a dude. Whew...momentary relief.
But it is a pig. Huge, naked pig. Almost as long as I am tall, huge, naked pig.
I don't know if pigs are territorial. I don't know if they bite. I don't know if he was seeking vengeance for the brothers I've sent into the oven. What I do know is, it was coming towards me and I wasn't about to find out. That house didn't get coupons.
Time Traveler strikes again!
This was a rather busy Saturday(?) night. As was typical for those dinner shifts, I was flying through calls as fast as I could, putting the receiver down for a split second before picking back up and taking another. I think someone at the toppings counter threw a piece of frozen beef at me for taking too many orders, but that's what you get when you employ the phone master. The shift is starting to wind down and delivery drivers are delivering the last of their pies. The phone rings. (I know I won't remember this verbatim, but this is a pretty damn close in-a-nutshell).
Me: BCPC, th--
SC3: WHERE IS MY PIZZA?!
Me: *
The air coming out of the phone speaker is practically vibrating.* ...I--SC3: I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR AN HOUR FOR MY PIZZA!! YOU F***ERS ARE GONNA GET ME MY PIZZA RIGHT F***ING NOW!!
Me: *checking the phone number from the caller ID with any deliveries. I found his order and see it's marked as being delivered by this driver* Sir, I assure you--
SC3: NO! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!! YOU IDIOTS TOLD ME IT WOULD BE 45 MINUTES AND IT'S BEEN AN HOUR! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE
I'm shaking and way too pissed. I so wanted to call this guy on his behavior, but I wanted to take as much of the brunt off the delivery driver as I could. I know the lady with his pizza was the sweetest old woman and did NOT deserve that.
Me: Sir, the driver has your pizza and is on the road as we speak. I apologize for the wait, but Saturday nights are busy.
SC3: WHAT IS YOUR NAME???!!!!!
Me: Bronze.
SC3: BRONZE! IF THIS PIZZA IS NOT HERE IN TTTEEENNNN MINUTES, I'M CALLING BACK AND TALKING TO YYYOOOUUU!! *click*
I clocked out fifteen minutes later and went have the most hardcore chest workout of my life.
By the way, want to know how long the order's life was when he called? About 45 minutes.
ZOMG ANTS!
This was one of the last days at that job. It's a very slow weekday morning, only a handful of deliveries. I'm wondering what sort of super powers a pizza master would use to defeat a phone master when my inner Walter Mitty is once again interrupted by the damnable ringing device.
Me: BCPC, this is Bronzebow.
SC4: I have ants on my pizza!!!!!!!!1111!
So help me, it took every ounce of will power not to laugh at the randomness. Then I realized this wasn't my high school friend playing a prank. My heart stopped in my chest.
Me: I'm...sorry?
SC4: You heard me. I have ants...in my pizza!! What are you going to do about it?
Me:
Please hold for a moment, ma'am.*Enter quick conversing with the MOD. She's not convinced. We need proof.*
Me: Ma'am? I've just talked with my manager, and we need to see this pizza. Please don't throw it out--we are sending one of our delivery drivers to pick it up.
SC4: I've already eaten a piece. Your company made me eat ants! What is your name?
Me: My name is Bronze.
SC4: What is your LAST name?!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't give that out over the phone. *No clue if that was true or not, but I certainly wasn't giving it to her either way*
SC4: Fine, Bronze. You pick up this pizza, and then I'm calling back to discuss my legal options.
Me: Yes ma'am. The driver should be there shortly.
After we hung up, I scoured the store. We found two crickets (south LA + summer + rain = indoor cricket extravaganza) and even those nowhere even near the make line or oven. No ants anywhere. I'm freaking out, wondering how ants got into the store. Finally, the driver gets back and we look at her pizza.
The ants? Yeah, that was oregano. The oven apparently makes the flakes curl up. The manager called the lady back, and to this day I haven't heard if anything more happened with that.
More to come in part two when I delve into BCBC. A quick peak of the titles:
Cheese Costs Extra?!
The Haunted Cow
ARE YOU STOOPID!!!cow!
Workin' Fries
Welcome! Great first post! I was thoroughly entertained!
. I actually have some EQ cookies right here! Enjoy! 
is around here somewhere, you've already been refered to EQ for cookies, and great stories.
, but there is a real life case in WI where a trio of a**holes fed a pair of deer hunters to pigs after the trio had killed them. (Sorry, addiction to the forensic & FBI files peeping out)
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