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Back from vacation, miss me? ( No matter how long it is, its never enough is it? ). So here's some more junk from my shift reports. 
Phonebills.
Caller told me he had Verizon on the other line. Caller then later asked *me* if Verizon was still on the other line. I checked our quick rebuttal list, but unfortunately "How the flippin sam heck should I know?" wasn't on it.
Reservations.
Halfway through writing down the confirmation number, the caller told me to "Wait a sec, my thingie flipped."
Thingie? Flipped? I could maybe see "thingie" if you had some sort of brain lapse and forgot what a "pen" is. But flipped? What flipped? How? Why? I must know, if only to save me wondering about it for the rest of the week.
Orderlines.
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "CHARLENE, MY SHOW IS ON DON'T YOU DARE!"
Me: "…?!"
Well, I'm certainly awake now, thank you.
Orderlines part 2
Me: "Good morning, <insert company name>."
SC: "<insert sound of pigs snorting>"
Me: "….ok"
Well, on one hand it did confirm everything I ever suspected about the callers I get on this line on graveyard.
Shift Commentary
For some reason I just attract people with stupid questions…..in and outside of work. I got this one while I was down at the door waiting to be buzzed in:
Him: "Hey, that sign says you can only park here from 8am to 6pm, right?"
Me: "Er…yes?"
Him: "Its after 6pm, so if I park here do you think it'd be ok?"
Me: "..probably not, no."
What does the sign say? And why do you think some random guy standing on the steps would have the authority to overrule the sign? I don't even have the authority to let myself into the building without buzzing.
Real Estate?
Me: "Good evening, Such & Such Realty."
SC: "I want to go to the lab."
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "I want to go to the lab for blood."
Me: "I think you have the wrong number."
SC: "No no no, I don't have the wrong number!"
Me: "This is Such & Such Realty."
SC: "Oh…..sorry."
I win. (victory pose).
Shift Commentary 2
Tonight, an upstanding gentleman on the Skytrain….whom, by his appearance, I assume had just woken up in a ditch, asked the question "Mphfuddy? Blasrhg arag moaf goosh?!". When no one responded he danced a weird, sort of half-drunken jig and got off at Stadium…..I don't know, maybe that’s what happens when Leprechauns fall off the wagon.
International Diplomacy
Tonight's strategy for beating the Taliban? Leaflets! Leaflets that say Osama Bin Laden is bad. Surely the only thing preventing victory in the war on terror is a brochure. Caller clearly has his finger on the pulse of world politics.
Airlines..
"…7778"
"777….Seventeen?"
"…no, 8."
For those of you travelling abroad: In Phoenix when you count from 1 to 10 it actually goes 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 17 8 9 10. Just FYI so you don't embarrass yourself while you're there. ( Which you will be after you get kicked off your America West flight. )
( On a side note, here's a tip for my fellow CS.comers: We have a line thats an emergency service for stranded airline passengers so believe me when I say never, ever, EVER EVER fly America West / US Airways. You WILL be left to rot somewhere after your flight is cancelled / delayed / misses its connection and they will make you pay for your own hotel. Not a night goes by that they don't leave at least 1-5 flights worth of people to fend for themselves somewhere in the States at 3am. 99.9% of our calls come from those two airlines. )
Calling Cards.
Problem:
Caller tries to call a number in Iran. It won't connect. A recording from Telus ( our local phone company ) comes on saying there's a problem with the line and to please dial 0 for assistence from a Telus operator.
Solution:
Ignore recording, call me instead. Checking with Telus first would be illogical and delusional. Clearly it’s my fault. When I cannot provide an acceptable solution, begin asking hypothetical questions such as: "Well what if it turns out not to be Telus, what are you going to do then? Shouldn't you have someone that can do something at night if that happens?".
Continue to ask hypothetical questions and resist just accepting the flippin fact you should call TELUS like the recording told you to do in the first place.
Verdict:
Caller has the reasoning ability of an unbuttered bran muffin.
Orderlines
Caller wants to place an order. Caller says she does not have a phone number. Caller is not calling from a payphone. Caller must have tapped into our phone lines with mystic gypsy powers.
Property Management
Me: "I'm sorry, but I can't contact the property manager for that."
SC: "Well then give me his number so I can call him!"
Yeah, that'll work. I congradulate you on deviously outwitting our client procedures. With wits like that I'm speechless that you managed to lock yourself out in the first place. Well, no I'm not, but I have a great imagination and I can pretend.
Security
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "Oh, I don't have one, the phoneline here was cut."
Me: "…..your cell phone number?"
SC: "Oh sure, its-"
I guess I need to be more specific with these people. "Can I have the phone number to the phone that you are currently holding to the side of your head and speaking to me with?".
Shift Commentary 3
Oi, I've got a long one to tell tonight. From Edmonds to Granville Station long. I had actually forgotten it was Friday night until I got on the Skytrain and saw a guy wrapped around one of the poles like a stripper. This gentleman was, to put it mildly, hopped up on goofballs. The problem is he was so fantastically stoned he didn't know why he was on the Skytrain or where he was going. All he knew is he wanted to dance out his worries, then veg out and curl up there. Much to the aggravation of his sober friend.
After completing his horrific dance routine, he collapsed on the seats in the middle and sprawled out. Taking up 4 of them. Then he just laid there and made odd noises. Occasionally he'd wrap himself around one of the poles like a spider monkey. Meanwhile his friend kept asking him where they were going. He must have asked the guy 50 or 60 times total. Every exchange went like this:
"Where are we going?"
"Chill."
"Dude, where are we going?"
"Chill!"
"Where?"
"CHILL!"
"Do you even know where you are?"
"..huh?"
"Where are you right now?"
"Uh, at the club."
"No, you're on the Skytrain."
Repeat this, or some variation of it for 20 minutes.
By now The Friend is getting rather annoyed with The Stripper and starts trying various methods to get him to move. These methods included: Threatening to leave him there. Stealing his wallet. Stealing his cellphone. Pouring some of his drink on the guy's face ( That did make him move a little bit, but he soon settled back down again. ) and physically trying to drag him up. ( That too failed as he instinctly wrapped himself around pole. )
"Dude, come on! Where are we getting off?!"
"5 minutes."
"What? Where?"
"5 minutes!"
"What are you talking about? Where are we getting off?"
"Just 5 more minutes!"
By Stadium one of the Skytrain guards had noticed and, much to my amusement, tried to wake the guy up by swatting him in the head with his ticket pad a couple of times. This too failed. So the guard radio'd for some help to drag the guy off. Meanwhile, The Friend has been pretending to not know The Stripper as soon as the Skytrain guard got on. But once the guard turned around he leaps up and tries to wake up The Stripper again.
Apparently the threat of law enforcement was enough motivation and The Stripper stumbled groggily to his feet so they could make a break for it. Problem is when you're *that* stoned you don't exactly move fast and its pretty evident you're whacked out when you stumble around like a drunken mule. Needless to say Skytrain security caught up with them.
Sadly, this is where the story ended. I would have loved to stick around and watch the finale unfold but I didn't want to be late for work.
But wait! There's more! ( It just won't all fit... )
Phonebills.
Caller told me he had Verizon on the other line. Caller then later asked *me* if Verizon was still on the other line. I checked our quick rebuttal list, but unfortunately "How the flippin sam heck should I know?" wasn't on it.
Reservations.
Halfway through writing down the confirmation number, the caller told me to "Wait a sec, my thingie flipped."
Thingie? Flipped? I could maybe see "thingie" if you had some sort of brain lapse and forgot what a "pen" is. But flipped? What flipped? How? Why? I must know, if only to save me wondering about it for the rest of the week.
Orderlines.
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "CHARLENE, MY SHOW IS ON DON'T YOU DARE!"
Me: "…?!"
Well, I'm certainly awake now, thank you.
Orderlines part 2
Me: "Good morning, <insert company name>."
SC: "<insert sound of pigs snorting>"
Me: "….ok"
Well, on one hand it did confirm everything I ever suspected about the callers I get on this line on graveyard.
Shift Commentary
For some reason I just attract people with stupid questions…..in and outside of work. I got this one while I was down at the door waiting to be buzzed in:
Him: "Hey, that sign says you can only park here from 8am to 6pm, right?"
Me: "Er…yes?"
Him: "Its after 6pm, so if I park here do you think it'd be ok?"
Me: "..probably not, no."
What does the sign say? And why do you think some random guy standing on the steps would have the authority to overrule the sign? I don't even have the authority to let myself into the building without buzzing.
Real Estate?
Me: "Good evening, Such & Such Realty."
SC: "I want to go to the lab."
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "I want to go to the lab for blood."
Me: "I think you have the wrong number."
SC: "No no no, I don't have the wrong number!"
Me: "This is Such & Such Realty."
SC: "Oh…..sorry."
I win. (victory pose).
Shift Commentary 2
Tonight, an upstanding gentleman on the Skytrain….whom, by his appearance, I assume had just woken up in a ditch, asked the question "Mphfuddy? Blasrhg arag moaf goosh?!". When no one responded he danced a weird, sort of half-drunken jig and got off at Stadium…..I don't know, maybe that’s what happens when Leprechauns fall off the wagon.
International Diplomacy
Tonight's strategy for beating the Taliban? Leaflets! Leaflets that say Osama Bin Laden is bad. Surely the only thing preventing victory in the war on terror is a brochure. Caller clearly has his finger on the pulse of world politics.
Airlines..
"…7778"
"777….Seventeen?"
"…no, 8."
For those of you travelling abroad: In Phoenix when you count from 1 to 10 it actually goes 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 17 8 9 10. Just FYI so you don't embarrass yourself while you're there. ( Which you will be after you get kicked off your America West flight. )
( On a side note, here's a tip for my fellow CS.comers: We have a line thats an emergency service for stranded airline passengers so believe me when I say never, ever, EVER EVER fly America West / US Airways. You WILL be left to rot somewhere after your flight is cancelled / delayed / misses its connection and they will make you pay for your own hotel. Not a night goes by that they don't leave at least 1-5 flights worth of people to fend for themselves somewhere in the States at 3am. 99.9% of our calls come from those two airlines. )
Calling Cards.
Problem:
Caller tries to call a number in Iran. It won't connect. A recording from Telus ( our local phone company ) comes on saying there's a problem with the line and to please dial 0 for assistence from a Telus operator.
Solution:
Ignore recording, call me instead. Checking with Telus first would be illogical and delusional. Clearly it’s my fault. When I cannot provide an acceptable solution, begin asking hypothetical questions such as: "Well what if it turns out not to be Telus, what are you going to do then? Shouldn't you have someone that can do something at night if that happens?".
Continue to ask hypothetical questions and resist just accepting the flippin fact you should call TELUS like the recording told you to do in the first place.
Verdict:
Caller has the reasoning ability of an unbuttered bran muffin.
Orderlines
Caller wants to place an order. Caller says she does not have a phone number. Caller is not calling from a payphone. Caller must have tapped into our phone lines with mystic gypsy powers.
Property Management
Me: "I'm sorry, but I can't contact the property manager for that."
SC: "Well then give me his number so I can call him!"
Yeah, that'll work. I congradulate you on deviously outwitting our client procedures. With wits like that I'm speechless that you managed to lock yourself out in the first place. Well, no I'm not, but I have a great imagination and I can pretend.
Security
Me: "and your phone number?"
SC: "Oh, I don't have one, the phoneline here was cut."
Me: "…..your cell phone number?"
SC: "Oh sure, its-"
I guess I need to be more specific with these people. "Can I have the phone number to the phone that you are currently holding to the side of your head and speaking to me with?".
Shift Commentary 3
Oi, I've got a long one to tell tonight. From Edmonds to Granville Station long. I had actually forgotten it was Friday night until I got on the Skytrain and saw a guy wrapped around one of the poles like a stripper. This gentleman was, to put it mildly, hopped up on goofballs. The problem is he was so fantastically stoned he didn't know why he was on the Skytrain or where he was going. All he knew is he wanted to dance out his worries, then veg out and curl up there. Much to the aggravation of his sober friend.
After completing his horrific dance routine, he collapsed on the seats in the middle and sprawled out. Taking up 4 of them. Then he just laid there and made odd noises. Occasionally he'd wrap himself around one of the poles like a spider monkey. Meanwhile his friend kept asking him where they were going. He must have asked the guy 50 or 60 times total. Every exchange went like this:
"Where are we going?"
"Chill."
"Dude, where are we going?"
"Chill!"
"Where?"
"CHILL!"
"Do you even know where you are?"
"..huh?"
"Where are you right now?"
"Uh, at the club."
"No, you're on the Skytrain."
Repeat this, or some variation of it for 20 minutes.
By now The Friend is getting rather annoyed with The Stripper and starts trying various methods to get him to move. These methods included: Threatening to leave him there. Stealing his wallet. Stealing his cellphone. Pouring some of his drink on the guy's face ( That did make him move a little bit, but he soon settled back down again. ) and physically trying to drag him up. ( That too failed as he instinctly wrapped himself around pole. )
"Dude, come on! Where are we getting off?!"
"5 minutes."
"What? Where?"
"5 minutes!"
"What are you talking about? Where are we getting off?"
"Just 5 more minutes!"
By Stadium one of the Skytrain guards had noticed and, much to my amusement, tried to wake the guy up by swatting him in the head with his ticket pad a couple of times. This too failed. So the guard radio'd for some help to drag the guy off. Meanwhile, The Friend has been pretending to not know The Stripper as soon as the Skytrain guard got on. But once the guard turned around he leaps up and tries to wake up The Stripper again.
Apparently the threat of law enforcement was enough motivation and The Stripper stumbled groggily to his feet so they could make a break for it. Problem is when you're *that* stoned you don't exactly move fast and its pretty evident you're whacked out when you stumble around like a drunken mule. Needless to say Skytrain security caught up with them.
Sadly, this is where the story ended. I would have loved to stick around and watch the finale unfold but I didn't want to be late for work.
But wait! There's more! ( It just won't all fit... )
Stoners are much more fun than drunks.
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