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Was filling paper products pulled from the backroom this morning when some large guy with more tattoos than Kat Von D, including several on his wrinkled face, and smelling rather ripe (I may have a cold and be stuffed up, but I could still smell this) came barging up to me.
"Hey (looks at my name tag) Irv, (Using my name when you don't know me. Not off to a good start.), I'm a big guy, I am what I am, I won't lie to you, and a while back I got this Coleman lawn chair that was specifically built for larger people like myself, and I was wondering if you might have such a chair in stock?"
All this drawled at me in waves of stinky cigarette breath.
"Okay, and it's a folding lawn chair like the ones we're standing next too, ri--"
"And it's gotta be the right height for me to sit in. See (touches my arm Aaaagggh! Unclean! Unclean!) I got bad knees, because I am such a big guy."
"Okay, if it is not one of the folding metal chairs we have here, we have some chairs over by camping supplies that fold up into their own..."
"Oh no, I can't have one of those! They have rag arms and when I push down on them to stand up, the whole chair folds up! They're perfectly fine chairs, don't get me wrong, but they won't work for me!"
We go over to the folding chairs in the camping aisle, where we find no chairs that would be suitable for this guy. The closest we could come was a folding chair that support up to 350 pounds, which wasn't quite as large as this smelly fellow was, in my estimation.
"I'm sorry, but the only lawn chairs we have would be..."
"Yeah, I got my Coleman chair at a K-Mart in Green Bay! It was $39.99! I found the same chair at Fleet Farm but it was $49.99 there. I can drive up to Green Bay for less than ten dollars!"
"Right. Well, as I was saying, the..."
"I mean, if I'd come over to your house, you wouldn't have a chair that would be able to fit me! That's why I am out here looking for one today. I'd like to avoid having to drive all the way up to Green Bay to get my chair, bu I guess I'll have to if nobody in town here has it."
Actually, you never would come over to my house, because I require all my house guests to not smell like Arnold Schwarzenegger's gym socks en fuego.
"I apologize, but the only lawn chairs we would have would be..."
(smelly tattoo guy pulls a $100 check out of his pocket and waves it in front of my face.) I got this in the mail from U.S. Cellular and I'm going to head over there today and get it cashed. They would cash this check for me, right? Because it is their check. If they don't I'll just cancel my phone!"
And pay early termination fees? You're a bright one, I can tell.
"You could certainly check over there, but I kinda doubt it. Anyhow, the only lawn chairs that we have in the store are these and..."
"But this is their check, right? They have to cash it, right?" (Dammit! So close to completing a sentence!)
"They're not a bank, so I don't know. But anyhow, the only lawn chairs we have in the store are these folding ones and the metal folding ones in seasonal that we looked at before we came over here. If you can't find the chair you're looking for in either of those spots, we don't have it."
"Oh, okay, thanks for your time! I'm off to Green Bay then!"
Actually, no he wasn't. He then visited the service desk to continue blah blah blahing until the clerk's ear fell off.
"Hey (looks at my name tag) Irv, (Using my name when you don't know me. Not off to a good start.), I'm a big guy, I am what I am, I won't lie to you, and a while back I got this Coleman lawn chair that was specifically built for larger people like myself, and I was wondering if you might have such a chair in stock?"
All this drawled at me in waves of stinky cigarette breath.
"Okay, and it's a folding lawn chair like the ones we're standing next too, ri--"
"And it's gotta be the right height for me to sit in. See (touches my arm Aaaagggh! Unclean! Unclean!) I got bad knees, because I am such a big guy."
"Okay, if it is not one of the folding metal chairs we have here, we have some chairs over by camping supplies that fold up into their own..."
"Oh no, I can't have one of those! They have rag arms and when I push down on them to stand up, the whole chair folds up! They're perfectly fine chairs, don't get me wrong, but they won't work for me!"
We go over to the folding chairs in the camping aisle, where we find no chairs that would be suitable for this guy. The closest we could come was a folding chair that support up to 350 pounds, which wasn't quite as large as this smelly fellow was, in my estimation.
"I'm sorry, but the only lawn chairs we have would be..."
"Yeah, I got my Coleman chair at a K-Mart in Green Bay! It was $39.99! I found the same chair at Fleet Farm but it was $49.99 there. I can drive up to Green Bay for less than ten dollars!"
"Right. Well, as I was saying, the..."
"I mean, if I'd come over to your house, you wouldn't have a chair that would be able to fit me! That's why I am out here looking for one today. I'd like to avoid having to drive all the way up to Green Bay to get my chair, bu I guess I'll have to if nobody in town here has it."
Actually, you never would come over to my house, because I require all my house guests to not smell like Arnold Schwarzenegger's gym socks en fuego.
"I apologize, but the only lawn chairs we would have would be..."
(smelly tattoo guy pulls a $100 check out of his pocket and waves it in front of my face.) I got this in the mail from U.S. Cellular and I'm going to head over there today and get it cashed. They would cash this check for me, right? Because it is their check. If they don't I'll just cancel my phone!"
And pay early termination fees? You're a bright one, I can tell.
"You could certainly check over there, but I kinda doubt it. Anyhow, the only lawn chairs that we have in the store are these and..."
"But this is their check, right? They have to cash it, right?" (Dammit! So close to completing a sentence!)
"They're not a bank, so I don't know. But anyhow, the only lawn chairs we have in the store are these folding ones and the metal folding ones in seasonal that we looked at before we came over here. If you can't find the chair you're looking for in either of those spots, we don't have it."
"Oh, okay, thanks for your time! I'm off to Green Bay then!"
Actually, no he wasn't. He then visited the service desk to continue blah blah blahing until the clerk's ear fell off.
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