How doth thou suck? Let me count the ways...

[Demonoid Phenomenon]

I realize that this an overly-parodied Christmas Carol (not to mention a tedious song to begin with), and the resulting post is very long, but I just had to do it.
Please bear with me while I vent my frustration in a musical fashion.

And a one and a two...

On the first day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
A coupon that expired 10-3.

On the second day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the third day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the fourth day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the fifth day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me,
5 verbal stings
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the sixth day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
6 queasy feelings
5 verbal stings
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the seventh day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
7 kids a’screaming
6 queasy feelings
5 verbal stings
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the eighth day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
8 throbbing migraines
7 kids a’screaming
6 queasy feelings
5 verbal stings
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the ninth day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
9 brand new ulcers
8 throbbing migraines
7 kids a’screaming
6 queasy feelings
5 verbal stings
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the tenth day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
10 reasons for murder
9 brand new ulcers
8 throbbing migraines
7 kids a’screaming
6 queasy feelings
5 verbal stings
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the eleventh day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
11 tension nosebleeds
10 reasons for murder
9 brand new ulcers
8 throbbing migraines
7 kids a’screaming
6 queasy feelings
5 verbal stings
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

On the twelth day of Xmas, a sucky customer gave to me…
12 heart palpitations
11 tension nosebleeds
10 reasons for murder
9 brand new ulcers
8 throbbing migraines
7 kids a’screaming
6 queasy feelings
5 verbal stings
4 gift returns,
3 reasons to quit,
2 pains in the butt,
And a coupon that expired 10-3.

[DesignFox]

I am so glad I remembered rule #1! That is hysterical!

I think you should change the opening line to say:
"On the first day of Christmas an SC gave to me"... it flows better when you sing it.

[kerrisan]

Very creative! I love it!

And it sums up your job very well, it looks like. Bummer!

[Demonoid Phenomenon]

DesignFox, you're right! That does flow better.
It just feels better for me to get the word 'sucky' in there.
Sing it loud and sing it proud!

[DesignFox]

I think it should be made into a poster and posted in the backroom at work... I can't stop laughing about it!

[wagegoth]

That one goes in my top 5 holiday song list.

[Dreamstalker]

Almost but not quite broke rule #1. That is absolutely brilliant!

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I have SO got to print this and post it in the breakroom at work.

Beautiful work there.

[Becks]

Quality work. I salute you.

[Discourtesy Clerk]

Beautiful poetry, that is. I think I'm gonna end up singing this version whenever the real one comes on the PA holiday muzak...that's awesome. Retail carolling, yay!

[tacohuman]

*linguist geek hat on*

when using archaic forms of english, the correct present tense conjugation for "to do" is:

i do
thou dost
he/she/ye doth
we do
you do
they do

then you get into the whole connotations of using thou/thee vs ye/you (ye mostly being dropped by the time of shakespeare, and you having gained number ambiguity, which it maintains to this day), but that's a much longer explanation which we need not go into here

*linguist geek hat off*

on topic, i love the poem, and may just have to print it out for work

[Jester]

Brilliant work DP! I love it. But now I have to try my hand at the food service industry version. For space reasons, I shall post only the final verse…..

On the 12th day of Christmas, an asshat gave to me….

12 stupid questions
11 tips a-horrible
10 contradictions
9 confusing orders
8 attempts to haggle
7 temper tantrums
6 cold food complaints
5 faaaaaakkkkkeeee IIII-DDDDD’ssss…..
4 separate checks
3 broken dishes
2 nasty messes
and a prom-se to get me fi-red.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

[Demonoid Phenomenon]

Jester, I think yours is better than mine!
It flows better anyway.
I guess it's no coincidence that the most annoying song ever lends itself quite nicely to the experience of dealing with the most annoying PEOPLE ever.

[tintaglia]

I loved 'em both

damn, I wish I was that creative

[DesignFox]

I love your version too, Jester!!