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Been a while since I posted anything, but I've been saving the best!
These are a combination of emails, chats and the occassional phone call.
Standard disclaimer: All identifying information has been changed or removed to protect the guilty.
Brightening their weekend
"...Also, I dearly thank you for the suspension of my account for seven
days. My upcoming weekend just brightened up.
The best of Regards"
My reply back:
You're most welcome for your suspension, I'm glad we could make your weekend enjoyable.
--- If you wanna be sarcastic to me, you better plan on getting sarcasm right back!
eBay invades Iraq
Long rant culminating in this little gem:
"as you know iraq was invaded based on lies, my account was blocked based on lies."
--- Yes, it's really eBay that invaded Iraq and the US government just covered it up and that's the real reason you were suspended! You figured out the conspiracy! Agents will be dispatched to your home immediately and all records of your account will be deleted from our records. We can't have the secret getting out, now can we?
--- Oh, and this guy was in the UK.
Expanding the vocabulary
Spotted in a listing for a counterfeit item:
Monogramouflage
--- Used to describe designer label/logoed items set on a vaguely camouflage background.
GK - it's spreading!!!
Those of you who follow the GK posts will already know about the horrors I'm about to describe, GK will probably end up in the corner whimpering.
Pink Camouflage items spotted on the site:
Baby strollers (yes, the seller of this item was in Canada)
Cell phone cases
Computer case w/designer logos (counterfeit of course)
Mouse pads w/designer logos (this is the one where I found the new vocab word above)
Hello Kitty items (a horror in and of itself)
Ah, the irony!
"100% AUTHENTIC. BE AWARE OF COUNTERFEITS."
--- This was reported by the trademark owner for being counterfeit.
Wait... what???
This was a report that came in today. I can't post the actual message as it has way too much identifying info to try to cut out of it so I'll summarize:
He was reporting a seller for selling unauthorized copies of music (from a very famous band) that he had bootlegged and was giving away for free (which, of course, makes it perfectly fine
), so he's going to report us to the copyright owner of the bootlegged music for allowing someone to copy his bootlegged CDs.
Needless to say, I fully encouraged him to report all this to the copyright owner, seeing how this particular rights owner loves to go after bootleggers/pirates.
Tibetan Vikings
We get a lot of reports for miscategorized items. This one was rather amusing.
Listed in category: Antiques > Antiquities > Viking
Title of listing: Rares exquisite tibet silver jade dragon ring
The error message
One of the many complaints employees have is how much our tools SUCK. There'd be a fatality rate of over 90% of the customer support staff if our tools actually worked how they were supposed to - the shock would be too much and people would be dropping like flies.
To give you an idea of what it's like, here is an error message that I got while using one of our tools:
Relisting
"Can I keep trying to post it until you don't remove it?"
--- By all means, please do! I just LOVE suspending accounts!!!
Mr. Spellcheck
"I HAVE PLACES A LISTING ALREADY HOWEVER ONCE IT WAS PLACES I SAW SEVERAL MISS SPEALLED WORDS THAT I NEED TO CHANGE"
--- I wonder how that could possibly happen, he's usually so good about catching things...
Dealing with royalty
This is just a small section of a chat that my coworker got regarding account restrictions (this is a copy/paste from that chat):
SC: I am related to a senator from the 19 c who should have been president of the usa in 1886 his name was samuel tilden if that rings a bell to you and also related too the founder of the mormons joseph smith my grand father's cousin was his first wife
SC: so you see I am a person who does not take this sort of action lihjtly
SC: lightly
SC: plus through the tilden family on both of my parents sides I am descended from King Henry 111 through the female line from hiis daughter Eleanorm
Coworker: One moment please.
<Coworker then steps away from the chat to laugh and share it with the rest of us because she has no idea how to respond to all that.>
Me to coworker: Just tell him that we wouldn't remove their restrictions either.
--- She followed up the next day and the guy had come back into chat and gotten another rep an hour later, but this time claiming all sorts of weird disabilities and medical conditions trying to get sympathy since bragging about his lineage got him nowhere... and was told the same thing.
Random things found in descriptions and reports
"scent elminating pants" --- I really don't want to know...
"This is STILL a reproduction!!!!" --- Oh good! I was afraid that it had changed into an authentic item since your first dozen reports this hour!
"Counterfeit. Louis Never Made this!" --- Well, considering he died in 1892, everything made after that point would be a counterfeit...
"You Can Be Used As A Belt" --- wha???
"Barely New" --- So... it's old? Really used? Come on man! Don't leave us in suspense!!!
How shameful!
"listed today under barbie furniture is a bathroom set with Ken standing in front of the toilet appearing to hold his private...I think this is awful and does not belong onEBAY"
---
At least give us the item number so we can look at it!!! We love sharing listings like that with the rest of the team! 
He's after my job!
"he fact that they are all on ebay,EBAY VIOLATES EBAY POLICY,It sounds to me that somoene is not watching in your ebay community watch,If you need to employ someone,i am available, as you can see i have allready started."
--- The fact that you didn't give us ANY information in your report so we could investigate your claims means that you aren't doing your job. I'm sorry, but we have more than enough incompetent people as it is. You're fired.
HUH???
"I will not pay for an article on, as the seller wants now .. I was
"stolen" in ebay more than 500 euros ... I admit that I steal more!
Where is the protection of ebay, for people fraudolentas?"
--- Are you trying to report that you were ripped off? Or were you sent a stolen item? Or are you just better at stealing things then someone else?
I realize English probably isn't their first language, but they could at least use one of the free online translators (or write in their native language and let us use the translators)! Even they aren't as confusing as that message!
What a great quote!
And finally, I'll leave off with this quote I found in a listing explaining why they were trying to sell all their stuff:
"I'm working for popcorn - what I get paid doesn't rise to the level of peanuts."
These are a combination of emails, chats and the occassional phone call.
Standard disclaimer: All identifying information has been changed or removed to protect the guilty.
Brightening their weekend
"...Also, I dearly thank you for the suspension of my account for seven
days. My upcoming weekend just brightened up.
The best of Regards"
My reply back:
You're most welcome for your suspension, I'm glad we could make your weekend enjoyable.
--- If you wanna be sarcastic to me, you better plan on getting sarcasm right back!
eBay invades Iraq
Long rant culminating in this little gem:
"as you know iraq was invaded based on lies, my account was blocked based on lies."
--- Yes, it's really eBay that invaded Iraq and the US government just covered it up and that's the real reason you were suspended! You figured out the conspiracy! Agents will be dispatched to your home immediately and all records of your account will be deleted from our records. We can't have the secret getting out, now can we?
--- Oh, and this guy was in the UK.
Expanding the vocabulary
Spotted in a listing for a counterfeit item:
Monogramouflage
--- Used to describe designer label/logoed items set on a vaguely camouflage background.
GK - it's spreading!!!
Those of you who follow the GK posts will already know about the horrors I'm about to describe, GK will probably end up in the corner whimpering.
Pink Camouflage items spotted on the site:
Baby strollers (yes, the seller of this item was in Canada)
Cell phone cases
Computer case w/designer logos (counterfeit of course)
Mouse pads w/designer logos (this is the one where I found the new vocab word above)
Hello Kitty items (a horror in and of itself)
Ah, the irony!
"100% AUTHENTIC. BE AWARE OF COUNTERFEITS."
--- This was reported by the trademark owner for being counterfeit.
Wait... what???
This was a report that came in today. I can't post the actual message as it has way too much identifying info to try to cut out of it so I'll summarize:
He was reporting a seller for selling unauthorized copies of music (from a very famous band) that he had bootlegged and was giving away for free (which, of course, makes it perfectly fine
), so he's going to report us to the copyright owner of the bootlegged music for allowing someone to copy his bootlegged CDs.Needless to say, I fully encouraged him to report all this to the copyright owner, seeing how this particular rights owner loves to go after bootleggers/pirates.
Tibetan Vikings
We get a lot of reports for miscategorized items. This one was rather amusing.
Listed in category: Antiques > Antiquities > Viking
Title of listing: Rares exquisite tibet silver jade dragon ring
The error message
One of the many complaints employees have is how much our tools SUCK. There'd be a fatality rate of over 90% of the customer support staff if our tools actually worked how they were supposed to - the shock would be too much and people would be dropping like flies.
To give you an idea of what it's like, here is an error message that I got while using one of our tools:
Relisting
"Can I keep trying to post it until you don't remove it?"
--- By all means, please do! I just LOVE suspending accounts!!!
Mr. Spellcheck
"I HAVE PLACES A LISTING ALREADY HOWEVER ONCE IT WAS PLACES I SAW SEVERAL MISS SPEALLED WORDS THAT I NEED TO CHANGE"
--- I wonder how that could possibly happen, he's usually so good about catching things...
Dealing with royalty
This is just a small section of a chat that my coworker got regarding account restrictions (this is a copy/paste from that chat):
SC: I am related to a senator from the 19 c who should have been president of the usa in 1886 his name was samuel tilden if that rings a bell to you and also related too the founder of the mormons joseph smith my grand father's cousin was his first wife
SC: so you see I am a person who does not take this sort of action lihjtly
SC: lightly
SC: plus through the tilden family on both of my parents sides I am descended from King Henry 111 through the female line from hiis daughter Eleanorm
Coworker: One moment please.
<Coworker then steps away from the chat to laugh and share it with the rest of us because she has no idea how to respond to all that.>
Me to coworker: Just tell him that we wouldn't remove their restrictions either.
--- She followed up the next day and the guy had come back into chat and gotten another rep an hour later, but this time claiming all sorts of weird disabilities and medical conditions trying to get sympathy since bragging about his lineage got him nowhere... and was told the same thing.
Random things found in descriptions and reports
"scent elminating pants" --- I really don't want to know...
"This is STILL a reproduction!!!!" --- Oh good! I was afraid that it had changed into an authentic item since your first dozen reports this hour!
"Counterfeit. Louis Never Made this!" --- Well, considering he died in 1892, everything made after that point would be a counterfeit...
"You Can Be Used As A Belt" --- wha???
"Barely New" --- So... it's old? Really used? Come on man! Don't leave us in suspense!!!
How shameful!
"listed today under barbie furniture is a bathroom set with Ken standing in front of the toilet appearing to hold his private...I think this is awful and does not belong onEBAY"
---
At least give us the item number so we can look at it!!! We love sharing listings like that with the rest of the team! He's after my job!
"he fact that they are all on ebay,EBAY VIOLATES EBAY POLICY,It sounds to me that somoene is not watching in your ebay community watch,If you need to employ someone,i am available, as you can see i have allready started."
--- The fact that you didn't give us ANY information in your report so we could investigate your claims means that you aren't doing your job. I'm sorry, but we have more than enough incompetent people as it is. You're fired.
HUH???
"I will not pay for an article on, as the seller wants now .. I was
"stolen" in ebay more than 500 euros ... I admit that I steal more!
Where is the protection of ebay, for people fraudolentas?"
--- Are you trying to report that you were ripped off? Or were you sent a stolen item? Or are you just better at stealing things then someone else?
I realize English probably isn't their first language, but they could at least use one of the free online translators (or write in their native language and let us use the translators)! Even they aren't as confusing as that message!
What a great quote!
And finally, I'll leave off with this quote I found in a listing explaining why they were trying to sell all their stuff:
"I'm working for popcorn - what I get paid doesn't rise to the level of peanuts."
So...if that's the case, then any lump would mean that I have male parts! 
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