The government is out to get me...

[WouldYouLikeToBuyAPhone?]

I just remembered this one. Not so much sucky, more... nutcase.

Me: Duh
PM: Paranoid Man


Me: Welcome to <My Company> you're speaking with <Me>.
PM: Hello. The government is tapping my phone.
Me:.... Oh.
PM: Yes, ASIO (Australian equivilent of the FBI or CIA or one of those) is following me and tapping my phone and you have to stop them.
Me: Well Sir, if the government is tapping your phone that is nothing to do with us. We can't stop them and, to be honest, I doubt we'd even know.
PM: But you have to stop them! They've been sending helicopters to fly over my house!
Me: (Now struggling so hard not to laugh that I couldn't hold it in any longer) I'll put you on hold for a minute while I speak to my manager.
PM: Yes! Please do! You have to stop them!

I put the call on hold and laughed so hard I cried. Legendary Manager (LM, who some of you may remember from 'You can have what you want if you just SHUT UP AND LISTEN!' came over to see what the fuss was about. I told her and, since she hates to miss a bit of fun, she plugs in to listen to the rest of the call.


Me: Thanks for holding Paranoid Man. I'm sorry but if the government is indeed tapping your phone, there is nothing I or <My Company> can do about it.
PM: But you have to! Surely it must be ILLEGAL for them to tap my phone without my permission!
Me: Sir, they're ASIO. They can do pretty much whatever they want.
PM: But they have to stop! They're tapping my phone! And flying helicopters over my house to spy on me!
Me: I just can't help you. You'll have to take it up with ASIO.

At this point, LM, always one to mess with a customers head, holds her pen up to my mic and starts tapping it.

PM: But they're tapping my... SHHH!! Can you hear that???
Me: Hear what sir?
PM: That tapping! They're doing it right now! Can you hear it?
Me: I can't hear anything.
PM: I can hear a helicopter flying over my house! Can you hear it??
Me: No sir, I can't.
PM: Can you get me the number for ASIO?

[edible_hat]

PM: Can you get me the number for ASIO?

different voice, or coworker on another extension of the same phone line: "No"

[fireheart]

and I thought I had the weird ones. I get a customer on a semi-regular basis who keeps his money inside a metal case inside a suitcase and won't let anyone touch his items, he has to scan them.

Oh and ASIO is the equivelent of the CIA (so is ASIS, which is their international sister). The FBI equivelent is the Australian Federal Police, or AFP for short.

[Damien]

different voice, or coworker on another extension of the same phone line: "No"

that would be priceless!

[Chazzie]

On one end, I'm a kid of a paranoid schizophrenic, so I want to play Devil's Advocate and scold your manager for messing with someone with a mental illness.

On the other hand, I want to laugh hysterically because I didn't think physical 'tapping' would rile him up like that.

[Becks]

Phone Jockey and Gravekeeper's clients have met each other and bred.

[taxguykarl]

That wasn't nice...but at least it was funny.

[AccountingDrone]

my mister and i were surveiled by Naval Investigative Services because of some jackassery done by an exroomie who was on the same boat... spud for brains signed out some training manual that all nuclear machinist mates need to study to pass their annual exams. needless to say, it has confidential information on it. He neglected to return it when he mustered out of the Navy at the end of his hitch. He apparently had told whoever called him on it that my mister had stolen it and was probably going to sell it to the soviets [this was back in 1988 and the whole spy debacle going on with the Walkers and all had been discovered in 1985]

The damned boat had gone on a northern run [stopping in Faslane Scotland and Tromso Norway, if I remember ... with a swing around under the arctic ice pack] and I was all alone in the house. I noticed a faint light in the house across the street that had been sitting empty, I tend to get up to pee at 2-3 am every morning and i dont tend to turn lights on. I sneeked a peek, and saw a typical puke green GS pool car pulling out from the driveway several houses down. So Im thinking to myself that something odd is happening. Since Im now rather intreigued, I set myself up so I can watch through the blinds. I get lucky and I see someone moving around with a rather nice camera setup, tripod, good sized lens and oOooo aimed at our house.

I dont do anything special for a few days, just arrange to peek out periodically at night and a few times during the day. Still surveilling us.

It is now friday evening, and I have a few friends over, and we decide to order pizza ... so I order, and have it sent across the street. The guy answers the door, and we wave and yell hi at them. They get grumpy and stomp over and ask how we found out about them. I told him that they really need to stop using pool cars as we had lived there for almost 2 years and KNEW all the neighbors, and I knew that the house was supposed to be empty because the owners kid left the keys with me so I could show it to possible renters until they could get the will settled and the place sold.

I invited the agents in and told them to go ahead and search, and they found nothing at all ... and gave them the spud for brains new local address. Turns out they went over, tossed the place and found not only that manual, but a partial set of maintenance manuals for something, a stolen small generator and some tools that had been stolen from a shipyard worker several months before.

Seems they had thought he had moved back to Spokane WA ... and dropped out of sight, he had given us an address to forward mail to ... but I am really seriously glad they had moved out as we would have been just as in trouble if it had been found in our house.

[we asked them to move out because I never liked the guy ... something about him always bothered me and I didnt want him around the house with Rob not being there at night.]

[Ironclad Alibi]

Pizza is so much better with a side order of karmic justice.

[Victoria J]

To go with AccountingDrone's story - another one of actual spying. It's not my story (it dates from when I was just a child) but is one of my favourite stories my mother tells.

A friend of hers was training as a lawyer - and was volunteering on a legal helpline for people involved in a certain major political struggle of the time. They were pretty sure that they were being spied on - post suddenly started taking days and days to get there and the phone lines were clicking... They didn't have absolute proof until one day:

This person answered the phone, the 2nd party starts talking - and then there's a click and a third voice says "What do I do now Sarge ?".

Sadly they didn't get to hear Sarge's reply

Victoria J

[AccountingDrone]

To go with AccountingDrone's story - another one of actual spying. It's not my story (it dates from when I was just a child) but is one of my favourite stories my mother tells.

A friend of hers was training as a lawyer - and was volunteering on a legal helpline for people involved in a certain major political struggle of the time. They were pretty sure that they were being spied on - post suddenly started taking days and days to get there and the phone lines were clicking... They didn't have absolute proof until one day:

This person answered the phone, the 2nd party starts talking - and then there's a click and a third voice says "What do I do now Sarge ?".

Sadly they didn't get to hear Sarge's reply

Victoria J

LOL ... I can believe that ... though for a while we did a joke from George Carlin and answered the phone 'fuck hoover' for about a month=)