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+ a few oldies I dug up from older shift reports.
Enjoy! ( Even though I generally didn't at the time. ;p )
Shift Commentary
There's apparently a police car outside which is on fire. So either they're having some rather severe engine trouble or the revolution has begun. If it’s the former, I wouldn't worry, if it’s the latter I'm unfortunately going to sleep through it when I get home. So if someone could be a dear and loot me a flat screen TV or something in the ensuing chaos, that'd be great.
Well hello Mr Fancy Pants
Me: "Which credit card will you be using?"
SC: "My PLATIUM Mastercard."
Well huzzah for you, give me a moment to find my sunglasses. I need to protect my eyes from the sheer light of your self-importance. I'm blind enough as is after staring at a computer screen since I was 12, so I don't need any more damage.
Home Renovations
SC: "Do you scrap the old roof off first before you install a new one?"
No, we pretty much just staple the new one on top of it. If it's particularly resistant we use tape.
Shift Commentary
I found a pair of keys back by the vending machine. I've put them in the drawer here at the TL desk for the time being if anyone comes looking for them. They'd better too, if no one claims them I'm going down the street with the car keys on them till I find myself a brand new car. Bonus!
( These turned out to belong to one of the day supervisors. For my insolence she vowed to keep the aforementioned flat screen TV she looted for me for herself.
)
The Hello Game(tm)
Its time to play the Hello Game™! Don't know how to play? Its easy! Just call up somewhere and start talking. Then, at the end of every sentence, go "HELLO!?" and keep doing that until the CSR says "Hello" back. If the CSR says anything aside from "Hello" or "Hi", immediately go "HELLO!? CAN YOU HEAR ME?!".
Repeat this process until the CSR is ready to find your address, come to your house and flog you with a shower rod.
Unfortunately, I lost this round of the Hello Game™ as the caller was calling from China and I can't afford the airfare. Although I do have the shower rod.
Shift Commentary
As I was at 7/11 tonight, purchasing my nightly sustenance, a rather heavyset man waddled in and requested his "bag of socks." He informed the clerk, and all within earshot, that he had purchased said sack of socks at Walmart but had inadvertantly left them at 7/11. Thus he was wondering if anyone had turned them in. No one had. This made him a sad panda. He looked like someone had stolen his puppy. Which, honestly, is most likely then someone stealing his socks.
A Cunning Plan
Step 1: Go to bill payment screen on the kiosk
Step 2: Insert money.
Step 3: Rather then hitting "Confirm", leave the machine completely unattended for a few minutes.
Step 4: ?!?!?
Step 5: Profit!
Least I think that was his general plan. I'm not entirely sure as he didn't really stop ranting long enough to convey it. What travesty of injustice sent him over the edge? The loss of a mere $15 and the fact no one could go there RIGHT NOW at 2am local time on a Saturday morning to put it on his Cricket cell phone account. This man was a crafty one too. His attempts to verbally "trap me" with his stunningly superior intellect were impressive.
SC: "So what are you there for anyway?!!?"
Me: "I'm here for afterhours technical support, I can open a case-"
SC: "AH HA! TECHNICAL! TECHNICAL MEANS TECHNICIAN, you can fix this for me RIGHT NOW!"
Me: "No, I can't. I don't have access to your Cricket account and I don't have a field technician available to go dow-"
SC: "YOU'RE A TECHICIAN FIX IT RIGHT NOW YOUR MACHINE RIPPED ME OFF!~@#$@!$"
I had a variation of this exchange with him about 5 or 6 times. Much fun and screaming was had. Oh, and he threatened me with the Better Business Bureau for my inability to bend reality to his whims too. He demanded (client's name)'s corporate address. Which I politely gave him. When I revealed it was in Canada he revealed he believes Canada is in Mexico.
SC: "Oh, in Canada? YEAH THAT FIGURES! They get away with a lot of crap down there!"
If by "lot of crap" you mean "Cross-checking" then ok, I'll conceed your point. However, to be fair, you're in Tenessee and thus Canada is north of you and thus "up there".
I explained, repeatedly, that I in no way shape or form had any access to his Cricket account and even if I did I sure as heck don't have a techie around thats going to run down to that store at 2am to see if there's $15 extra in that kiosk.
But, obviously, he didn't believe me, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this now. I endured his ever increasing wrath and spittle for a good 5 minutes before I finally hung up on him. I actually had a case open and put in for him after the first 45 seconds or so. The rest of the call was just pure, unrivaled jerktasia.
Of course he called back and tore into a bewildered Op #2 for a bit. If you're going for broke, may as well hit em all, eh?
Alrighty
Caller referred to Op #2 as a "Human Answering Service". As opposed to that one down the street that caters specifically to dolphins.
Shift Commentary
( For reference we're having a typical Vancouver winter: Torrential downpour )
Ah, such lovely weather outside! …..if you happen to be a manatee, porpoise or other large, sea dwelling mammal. If you have flippers you're good. If you're like me, a tall lanky geek with poor upper body strength, you're going to be swept away, shrieking like a little girl, in the raging flood waters. Eventually, a week or two from now, they'll find my wet, motionless form washed up on the beach somewhere in California. Just like a beached whale. Which, ironcially just happens to be a large sea dwelling mammal. So its just a matter of coming full circle.
Law Enforcement
( We deal with the Canadian branch office of a certain US intelligence agency...the line is nutjob central at night. )
Me: "Good morning, (client name)"
SC: "Yeah, I just wanted to say I hope the US olympic hockey team wins next time, you know in 2010."
Me: "….ok?"
SC: "Yeah, the Olympics coming up in 2010.."
Me: "What, may I ask, does that have to do with the (client name)?"
SC: "Just, you know…"
(No I don't, please, pull back my curtains of ignorance and enlighten me with the sunlight of wisdom.)
Me: "…..?"
SC: "Just saying the US is ok, you know?"
(I'm sure they appreciate the thought. May I suggest a sending a Hallmark card and some chocolates instead?)
Me: "Is there something I can help you with?"
SC: "Not really, no…."
Me: "….."
SC: "….."
Me: "Please call back during office hours if there's anything further."
SC: "Yeah, ok."
That was The Advisor™ again. For those of you unfamiliar with him, he calls a couple of times a week to advise of his new ideas to end terrorism, secure Iraq, defeat communists, report terrorist plots, smuggle american kittens, etc. Generally speaking he's fairly entertaining but ultimately futile. I wouldn't mind a kitten, though.
The goggles, they do nothing!
You know, I was unaware that among our doctor's office clients there was urologist. Unfortunately, I am now tragically and vividly aware.
So thank you, Mr (name removed) for imparting to me far far more detail about your Subterrainean Man Winkee and all of its inherent malfunctions then I ever wanted or needed to know. Your willingness to share this information impresses and terrifies me. To you sir, my hat is off. Please pick it up and use it to hide your shame.
Information: Too Much, Of
I realise the fact your husband cannot urinate may strike you as a medical concern. However, please, please believe me when I say you only need to impart this information to me once. From there I will contact your doctor for you. You do not need to repeat yourself. You do not need to expand the on the horrific amount of detail you have given me. You do not need to regal me with clever stories anecdotes of how and why this came about.
If fact, if you could please stop telling a complete stranger about the malfunction in his happy fun department long enough to give me a phone number, I gurantee I can do something about both of our problems.
Survey Says: Yes?
SC: "Do you think I should go to the emergency room?"
Heck no, a 3 inch gash from a steak knife? You can fix that with scotch tape and some Q-Tips.
Taxi!
"Hey, can I get a cab to blah blah?"
"You have the wrong number"
"Yeah, at blah blah."
"You have the wrong number"
"$@#%, whats the right number?"
"......I don't know, you have the wrong number."
"Well that other guy there gave me the right number but its the wrong number!"
"...ok? I assure you I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."
"Fine then! <slam>"
If you'll pardon me a moment, I have to hunt down and destroy my doppleganger. Who is obviously answering my calls for me while I'm in the bathroom.
Covered in bees!
( One of our clients shared this gem with me, I've converted it to my usual style of commentary. -.- )
Problem:
Legions of flying yellow pain beasts have constructed a lair outside the tenant's patio door. These cunning creatures are coming into the tenant's suite and terrorizing him and his family on a daily basis for the last week. Tenant demands we do something about this immediately as they are chasing him around as we speak and he "can't take it anymore".
Solution:
Inform tenant we will have someone remove the bee hive. Then point out the obvious and advise tenant to CLOSE THE PATIO DOOR.
Recieve stunned silence in response.
Verdict:
We should shut up and stop interfering with natural selection.
Thats all from this week ( First day off today, thank you Jeebus )
I like my women like I like my coffee....COVERED IN BEES!@
Enjoy! ( Even though I generally didn't at the time. ;p )
Shift Commentary
There's apparently a police car outside which is on fire. So either they're having some rather severe engine trouble or the revolution has begun. If it’s the former, I wouldn't worry, if it’s the latter I'm unfortunately going to sleep through it when I get home. So if someone could be a dear and loot me a flat screen TV or something in the ensuing chaos, that'd be great.
Well hello Mr Fancy Pants
Me: "Which credit card will you be using?"
SC: "My PLATIUM Mastercard."
Well huzzah for you, give me a moment to find my sunglasses. I need to protect my eyes from the sheer light of your self-importance. I'm blind enough as is after staring at a computer screen since I was 12, so I don't need any more damage.
Home Renovations
SC: "Do you scrap the old roof off first before you install a new one?"
No, we pretty much just staple the new one on top of it. If it's particularly resistant we use tape.
Shift Commentary
I found a pair of keys back by the vending machine. I've put them in the drawer here at the TL desk for the time being if anyone comes looking for them. They'd better too, if no one claims them I'm going down the street with the car keys on them till I find myself a brand new car. Bonus!
( These turned out to belong to one of the day supervisors. For my insolence she vowed to keep the aforementioned flat screen TV she looted for me for herself.
)The Hello Game(tm)
Its time to play the Hello Game™! Don't know how to play? Its easy! Just call up somewhere and start talking. Then, at the end of every sentence, go "HELLO!?" and keep doing that until the CSR says "Hello" back. If the CSR says anything aside from "Hello" or "Hi", immediately go "HELLO!? CAN YOU HEAR ME?!".
Repeat this process until the CSR is ready to find your address, come to your house and flog you with a shower rod.
Unfortunately, I lost this round of the Hello Game™ as the caller was calling from China and I can't afford the airfare. Although I do have the shower rod.
Shift Commentary
As I was at 7/11 tonight, purchasing my nightly sustenance, a rather heavyset man waddled in and requested his "bag of socks." He informed the clerk, and all within earshot, that he had purchased said sack of socks at Walmart but had inadvertantly left them at 7/11. Thus he was wondering if anyone had turned them in. No one had. This made him a sad panda. He looked like someone had stolen his puppy. Which, honestly, is most likely then someone stealing his socks.
A Cunning Plan
Step 1: Go to bill payment screen on the kiosk
Step 2: Insert money.
Step 3: Rather then hitting "Confirm", leave the machine completely unattended for a few minutes.
Step 4: ?!?!?
Step 5: Profit!
Least I think that was his general plan. I'm not entirely sure as he didn't really stop ranting long enough to convey it. What travesty of injustice sent him over the edge? The loss of a mere $15 and the fact no one could go there RIGHT NOW at 2am local time on a Saturday morning to put it on his Cricket cell phone account. This man was a crafty one too. His attempts to verbally "trap me" with his stunningly superior intellect were impressive.
SC: "So what are you there for anyway?!!?"
Me: "I'm here for afterhours technical support, I can open a case-"
SC: "AH HA! TECHNICAL! TECHNICAL MEANS TECHNICIAN, you can fix this for me RIGHT NOW!"
Me: "No, I can't. I don't have access to your Cricket account and I don't have a field technician available to go dow-"
SC: "YOU'RE A TECHICIAN FIX IT RIGHT NOW YOUR MACHINE RIPPED ME OFF!~@#$@!$"
I had a variation of this exchange with him about 5 or 6 times. Much fun and screaming was had. Oh, and he threatened me with the Better Business Bureau for my inability to bend reality to his whims too. He demanded (client's name)'s corporate address. Which I politely gave him. When I revealed it was in Canada he revealed he believes Canada is in Mexico.
SC: "Oh, in Canada? YEAH THAT FIGURES! They get away with a lot of crap down there!"
If by "lot of crap" you mean "Cross-checking" then ok, I'll conceed your point. However, to be fair, you're in Tenessee and thus Canada is north of you and thus "up there".
I explained, repeatedly, that I in no way shape or form had any access to his Cricket account and even if I did I sure as heck don't have a techie around thats going to run down to that store at 2am to see if there's $15 extra in that kiosk.
But, obviously, he didn't believe me, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this now. I endured his ever increasing wrath and spittle for a good 5 minutes before I finally hung up on him. I actually had a case open and put in for him after the first 45 seconds or so. The rest of the call was just pure, unrivaled jerktasia.
Of course he called back and tore into a bewildered Op #2 for a bit. If you're going for broke, may as well hit em all, eh?
Alrighty
Caller referred to Op #2 as a "Human Answering Service". As opposed to that one down the street that caters specifically to dolphins.
Shift Commentary
( For reference we're having a typical Vancouver winter: Torrential downpour )
Ah, such lovely weather outside! …..if you happen to be a manatee, porpoise or other large, sea dwelling mammal. If you have flippers you're good. If you're like me, a tall lanky geek with poor upper body strength, you're going to be swept away, shrieking like a little girl, in the raging flood waters. Eventually, a week or two from now, they'll find my wet, motionless form washed up on the beach somewhere in California. Just like a beached whale. Which, ironcially just happens to be a large sea dwelling mammal. So its just a matter of coming full circle.
Law Enforcement
( We deal with the Canadian branch office of a certain US intelligence agency...the line is nutjob central at night. )
Me: "Good morning, (client name)"
SC: "Yeah, I just wanted to say I hope the US olympic hockey team wins next time, you know in 2010."
Me: "….ok?"
SC: "Yeah, the Olympics coming up in 2010.."
Me: "What, may I ask, does that have to do with the (client name)?"
SC: "Just, you know…"
(No I don't, please, pull back my curtains of ignorance and enlighten me with the sunlight of wisdom.)
Me: "…..?"
SC: "Just saying the US is ok, you know?"
(I'm sure they appreciate the thought. May I suggest a sending a Hallmark card and some chocolates instead?)
Me: "Is there something I can help you with?"
SC: "Not really, no…."
Me: "….."
SC: "….."
Me: "Please call back during office hours if there's anything further."
SC: "Yeah, ok."
That was The Advisor™ again. For those of you unfamiliar with him, he calls a couple of times a week to advise of his new ideas to end terrorism, secure Iraq, defeat communists, report terrorist plots, smuggle american kittens, etc. Generally speaking he's fairly entertaining but ultimately futile. I wouldn't mind a kitten, though.
The goggles, they do nothing!
You know, I was unaware that among our doctor's office clients there was urologist. Unfortunately, I am now tragically and vividly aware.
So thank you, Mr (name removed) for imparting to me far far more detail about your Subterrainean Man Winkee and all of its inherent malfunctions then I ever wanted or needed to know. Your willingness to share this information impresses and terrifies me. To you sir, my hat is off. Please pick it up and use it to hide your shame.
Information: Too Much, Of
I realise the fact your husband cannot urinate may strike you as a medical concern. However, please, please believe me when I say you only need to impart this information to me once. From there I will contact your doctor for you. You do not need to repeat yourself. You do not need to expand the on the horrific amount of detail you have given me. You do not need to regal me with clever stories anecdotes of how and why this came about.
If fact, if you could please stop telling a complete stranger about the malfunction in his happy fun department long enough to give me a phone number, I gurantee I can do something about both of our problems.
Survey Says: Yes?
SC: "Do you think I should go to the emergency room?"
Heck no, a 3 inch gash from a steak knife? You can fix that with scotch tape and some Q-Tips.
Taxi!
"Hey, can I get a cab to blah blah?"
"You have the wrong number"
"Yeah, at blah blah."
"You have the wrong number"
"$@#%, whats the right number?"
"......I don't know, you have the wrong number."
"Well that other guy there gave me the right number but its the wrong number!"
"...ok? I assure you I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."
"Fine then! <slam>"
If you'll pardon me a moment, I have to hunt down and destroy my doppleganger. Who is obviously answering my calls for me while I'm in the bathroom.
Covered in bees!
( One of our clients shared this gem with me, I've converted it to my usual style of commentary. -.- )
Problem:
Legions of flying yellow pain beasts have constructed a lair outside the tenant's patio door. These cunning creatures are coming into the tenant's suite and terrorizing him and his family on a daily basis for the last week. Tenant demands we do something about this immediately as they are chasing him around as we speak and he "can't take it anymore".
Solution:
Inform tenant we will have someone remove the bee hive. Then point out the obvious and advise tenant to CLOSE THE PATIO DOOR.
Recieve stunned silence in response.
Verdict:
We should shut up and stop interfering with natural selection.
Thats all from this week ( First day off today, thank you Jeebus )
I like my women like I like my coffee....COVERED IN BEES!@
Oh....poor Sexual Harassment Panda.... You realize now that his little jingle is gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of today, don't you?
Sounds like something I'd write!!!! 
) was the "winner", and would have his name/picture/measurements put on advertisements all over the city. What was the prize? A chance to win $35000-not $35000, but a chance to win $35000.
Izzard rules 
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