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This week's shift report sc fun....had some real gems this week
Shift Commentary
I've figured it out! I've figured out why they call at 3am to order hats on (insert company name)! Or at least I have a working theory: I think it's all an elaborate drinking game. Like they all hunker down at 2am and watch reruns of North of 60 and whenever someone on the show says "Eh" they take a shot and order a hat.
Yes, Please
Me: "Ok, I'll page her for you."
SC: "Do you want me to hang up now?"
No, please, don't deprive me of the lucious aureal chocolate that is your voice. I could not bare the loss, it would leave my life a cold, barren void. The depths of which I could never hope to claw my way out of.
Alternatively I could just say "Yes."
Sadly, I had to go with the second option. Tone of service and all.
Orderlines
1 Birch Green Toque: $35
COD Shipping: $36
Proving you’re a complete twit by paying more for shipping then the actual item: Priceless
Shift Commentary #2
On my way here I bore witness to two fine young gentlemen ( with bags full of booze, of course ) having an argument. One walked away while his buddy yelled obscenities at him. Then he yelled "I see you!". Then he turned to me and slurred "I SEE YOU TOO!. After I looked at him he informed me: "I'm not stupid!".
I've only known you for all of approximately 45 seconds, but I assure you I can submit staggering evidence to the contrary.
Orderlines again...
( Note: This company has flagged postal codes. Basically places that its really hard to deliver too so shipping is extra. IE Nunavet )
Me: "and whats your name?"
SC: "<insert halfwitted mumbling>"
Me: "pardon? Can I have your name?"
SC: "…uhhhhhhh…."
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "I'm in Saskatchewan"
Me: "…..no, whats your name?"
You know the flagged postal code thing? I don't think (company name) does that because its more expensive to ship to those areas. I think they flagged those areas to ensure they could penalize them for stupidity. A sort of Half-Wit Tax if you will.
Orderlines AGAIN ( This is all the same line too )
(half way between giving me the product ID for the item)
SC: "Do you know my tax exempt number?"
Well, I personally don't. Madam Cleo might, you can try giving her a call if you like.
Lawyers...
Me: "Do you have a cellphone number there?"
SC: "No, but here's a number-"
-he then proceeds to give me a cell phone number. If you need further evidence of his stunning intellect: He was calling to say he might miss his court date because he somehow ended up in Langley and was trying to hitchhike back. For this achievement I offer a golf clap and a half eaten blueberry muffin.
That damn orderline again...
Tonight's desired item? Hoodies! "G-Unit" hoodies…..
I don't know…but "G-Unit" sounds rather, how do I put it? I think the term is "ghetto", but then again I'm not precisely "down with" the language "of the street" or anything. Still, its difficult for me to picture people cruising the mean streets of Nunavet with their G-Unit hoodies on.
Does Nunavet even have streets?
Wrong Numbers
Me: "I'm sorry, but the number you dialed is no longer in service."
SC: "Oh, well then what should I do?"
Having been here since 11pm, I don't really have any suggestions for you that don't end with throwing yourself off a pier, dock, harbour, into traffic, into a cage full of rabid badgers, into a lion pit, etc. In fact by all means feel free to slather yourself in wild honey and skip through bear country holding a salmon.
Yes, Mrs Applebe
SC: "That’s Parkside, p-a-r-k then s-i-d-e"
Me: "…right"
SC: "Woods, w-o-o-d-s"
If you want me, I'll be taking a nap on the bench at the station while I wait for your train of thought to arrive. But since you did so well in your involuntary spelling bee, you get a gold star sticker. That’s what my teacher gave me when I performed a similar feat in grade 1, so its only fair.
How Not to Impress Skytrain Guards 2:
Get on the train, run the length of it, pry open one door ( While the train is MOVING ) enough to yell "DICKS FOR CHICKS" into the wind. Then run back, dive onto a seat. Sit there for a minute talking to yourself. Then get up, stumble half the length of the train and start complaining to some poor guy about how dirty the Skytrain is. When he doesn't respond, keep talking like he did. Make up all his answers in your head and respond to them accordingly. Then skip down to the other end of the Skytrain just in time to bump into Skytrain security.
Bonus points: This was a rather well dressed girl with a purse. Not the usual drunken college age male or crazy hobo.
The Duh Vinci Code
Me: "Can I have your postal code please?"
SC: "No one's home. Two cat's out."
Me: "……..pardon?"
SC: "……."
Me: "Can I have your postal code?"
SC: "NO ONE'S HOME. TWO CAT'S OUT!"
<insert sound of cats meowing in the background as if to add to the effect>
Me: "……I'm sorry? Whats the postal code?"
SC: "N0H 2C0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jeebus Crisps, I'm sorry I didn’t know the bizarre, backwards Manitoban Da Vinci code you were giving me your address in. Is there a secret handshake that goes along with that? Your neighbours might understand The Code™ but I'm afraid if you call up people out of town and use it, like me, they'll think you were huffing paint thinner before you called.
In fact, to be honest, I'm still not completely convinced you weren't. Let me talk to the cat, he made more sense.
Oh noez~
A rather panic'd woman called in asking if she was in danger from the awesome power of the apparent upcoming storm. She was afraid her house would be swept away in a mud slide or annihilated by hurricane force winds or overrun by a stampede of elk escaping the apocolypse or something. I'm not entirely sure. Either way she was vastly overreacting…
….and she called back and got Op #2. This time she was wondering if it would be safer if she evacuated to Windsor…..she was concerned that the storm was going to have hurricane force winds comparable to the storm that hit Florida. ( 40 kmph vs 50 mph, keep that in mind for a sec… ). When Op #2 pointed out that she was comparing Kilometers to Miles, she asked what Miles were…..
….I'm thinking perhaps she should stay home and let natural selection run its course. No sense fighting it when its that close on her heels.
Ape Escape
Employee called to complain about drunk people that kick over his mop bucket and throw garage cans down the stairs at him….at least that’s all I could gather from his vague ranting. I asked if he had called the police to have said drunk people removed. He said no and he didn't want too. Then he ranted about how he's 66 years old and a garbage can falling down the stairs could kill him. But he was able to dodge it. On the upside if he can keep jumping the garbage cans and make it up a couple more flights of stairs he can rescue the princess from Donkey Kong.
I asked him what it was he needed me to do for him. I offered to page the On Call for him. He didn't want that either…..he then snarked "Thank you for your service!" at me and hung up. Leaving me baffled. So you just called to yell at me and regal me with tales of your elderly reflexes? Well, thank you I guess, but you aren't going to save the princess that way. You'll have to insert another quarter and try again.
Here's not here, dammit
"Good evening, (company name), Gravekeeper speaking"
"HI SCOTT?!"
"Er, no, this is (company name)"
"IS THIS SCOTT?!"
"No, this is Gravekeeper."
"Where's Scott?!"
"I don't know, you've reached (company name)"
"Well that’s no good we want Scott!"
I too want Scott, if only so I can shove him at you to distract you long enough for me to escape.
That was my week, how was yours? ;p
Shift Commentary
I've figured it out! I've figured out why they call at 3am to order hats on (insert company name)! Or at least I have a working theory: I think it's all an elaborate drinking game. Like they all hunker down at 2am and watch reruns of North of 60 and whenever someone on the show says "Eh" they take a shot and order a hat.
Yes, Please
Me: "Ok, I'll page her for you."
SC: "Do you want me to hang up now?"
No, please, don't deprive me of the lucious aureal chocolate that is your voice. I could not bare the loss, it would leave my life a cold, barren void. The depths of which I could never hope to claw my way out of.
Alternatively I could just say "Yes."
Sadly, I had to go with the second option. Tone of service and all.
Orderlines
1 Birch Green Toque: $35
COD Shipping: $36
Proving you’re a complete twit by paying more for shipping then the actual item: Priceless
Shift Commentary #2
On my way here I bore witness to two fine young gentlemen ( with bags full of booze, of course ) having an argument. One walked away while his buddy yelled obscenities at him. Then he yelled "I see you!". Then he turned to me and slurred "I SEE YOU TOO!. After I looked at him he informed me: "I'm not stupid!".
I've only known you for all of approximately 45 seconds, but I assure you I can submit staggering evidence to the contrary.
Orderlines again...
( Note: This company has flagged postal codes. Basically places that its really hard to deliver too so shipping is extra. IE Nunavet )
Me: "and whats your name?"
SC: "<insert halfwitted mumbling>"
Me: "pardon? Can I have your name?"
SC: "…uhhhhhhh…."
Me: "Pardon?"
SC: "I'm in Saskatchewan"
Me: "…..no, whats your name?"
You know the flagged postal code thing? I don't think (company name) does that because its more expensive to ship to those areas. I think they flagged those areas to ensure they could penalize them for stupidity. A sort of Half-Wit Tax if you will.
Orderlines AGAIN ( This is all the same line too )
(half way between giving me the product ID for the item)
SC: "Do you know my tax exempt number?"
Well, I personally don't. Madam Cleo might, you can try giving her a call if you like.
Lawyers...
Me: "Do you have a cellphone number there?"
SC: "No, but here's a number-"
-he then proceeds to give me a cell phone number. If you need further evidence of his stunning intellect: He was calling to say he might miss his court date because he somehow ended up in Langley and was trying to hitchhike back. For this achievement I offer a golf clap and a half eaten blueberry muffin.
That damn orderline again...
Tonight's desired item? Hoodies! "G-Unit" hoodies…..
I don't know…but "G-Unit" sounds rather, how do I put it? I think the term is "ghetto", but then again I'm not precisely "down with" the language "of the street" or anything. Still, its difficult for me to picture people cruising the mean streets of Nunavet with their G-Unit hoodies on.
Does Nunavet even have streets?
Wrong Numbers
Me: "I'm sorry, but the number you dialed is no longer in service."
SC: "Oh, well then what should I do?"
Having been here since 11pm, I don't really have any suggestions for you that don't end with throwing yourself off a pier, dock, harbour, into traffic, into a cage full of rabid badgers, into a lion pit, etc. In fact by all means feel free to slather yourself in wild honey and skip through bear country holding a salmon.
Yes, Mrs Applebe
SC: "That’s Parkside, p-a-r-k then s-i-d-e"
Me: "…right"
SC: "Woods, w-o-o-d-s"
If you want me, I'll be taking a nap on the bench at the station while I wait for your train of thought to arrive. But since you did so well in your involuntary spelling bee, you get a gold star sticker. That’s what my teacher gave me when I performed a similar feat in grade 1, so its only fair.
How Not to Impress Skytrain Guards 2:
Get on the train, run the length of it, pry open one door ( While the train is MOVING ) enough to yell "DICKS FOR CHICKS" into the wind. Then run back, dive onto a seat. Sit there for a minute talking to yourself. Then get up, stumble half the length of the train and start complaining to some poor guy about how dirty the Skytrain is. When he doesn't respond, keep talking like he did. Make up all his answers in your head and respond to them accordingly. Then skip down to the other end of the Skytrain just in time to bump into Skytrain security.
Bonus points: This was a rather well dressed girl with a purse. Not the usual drunken college age male or crazy hobo.
The Duh Vinci Code
Me: "Can I have your postal code please?"
SC: "No one's home. Two cat's out."
Me: "……..pardon?"
SC: "……."
Me: "Can I have your postal code?"
SC: "NO ONE'S HOME. TWO CAT'S OUT!"
<insert sound of cats meowing in the background as if to add to the effect>
Me: "……I'm sorry? Whats the postal code?"
SC: "N0H 2C0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jeebus Crisps, I'm sorry I didn’t know the bizarre, backwards Manitoban Da Vinci code you were giving me your address in. Is there a secret handshake that goes along with that? Your neighbours might understand The Code™ but I'm afraid if you call up people out of town and use it, like me, they'll think you were huffing paint thinner before you called.
In fact, to be honest, I'm still not completely convinced you weren't. Let me talk to the cat, he made more sense.
Oh noez~
A rather panic'd woman called in asking if she was in danger from the awesome power of the apparent upcoming storm. She was afraid her house would be swept away in a mud slide or annihilated by hurricane force winds or overrun by a stampede of elk escaping the apocolypse or something. I'm not entirely sure. Either way she was vastly overreacting…
….and she called back and got Op #2. This time she was wondering if it would be safer if she evacuated to Windsor…..she was concerned that the storm was going to have hurricane force winds comparable to the storm that hit Florida. ( 40 kmph vs 50 mph, keep that in mind for a sec… ). When Op #2 pointed out that she was comparing Kilometers to Miles, she asked what Miles were…..
….I'm thinking perhaps she should stay home and let natural selection run its course. No sense fighting it when its that close on her heels.
Ape Escape
Employee called to complain about drunk people that kick over his mop bucket and throw garage cans down the stairs at him….at least that’s all I could gather from his vague ranting. I asked if he had called the police to have said drunk people removed. He said no and he didn't want too. Then he ranted about how he's 66 years old and a garbage can falling down the stairs could kill him. But he was able to dodge it. On the upside if he can keep jumping the garbage cans and make it up a couple more flights of stairs he can rescue the princess from Donkey Kong.
I asked him what it was he needed me to do for him. I offered to page the On Call for him. He didn't want that either…..he then snarked "Thank you for your service!" at me and hung up. Leaving me baffled. So you just called to yell at me and regal me with tales of your elderly reflexes? Well, thank you I guess, but you aren't going to save the princess that way. You'll have to insert another quarter and try again.
Here's not here, dammit
"Good evening, (company name), Gravekeeper speaking"
"HI SCOTT?!"
"Er, no, this is (company name)"
"IS THIS SCOTT?!"
"No, this is Gravekeeper."
"Where's Scott?!"
"I don't know, you've reached (company name)"
"Well that’s no good we want Scott!"
I too want Scott, if only so I can shove him at you to distract you long enough for me to escape.
That was my week, how was yours? ;p
I have never heard of The Code (tm)....I guess we do things funny on the West Coast. My most common postal code issue at work are people not knowing their postal code and giving me the "you-should-know-it" look. If I like you, I'll look it up. If I don't like you, you get the big book of postal codes. Good luck.
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