Saturday Night Live! at Aid of Rite. (length; language)

[ralerin]

Ok, so yesterday wasn't really Saturday at Aid of Rite, but damn the comedians were out in force ().


Skit # 1: The Cops Are Coming!

Cast:
Mom
Young girl, 3-5 ish
Aunt

Mom: "Sally, stop touching the candy! Put it back and listen to me!"

Girl: "But mommy I wants it *WHINE!*"

Aunt: "PUT IT DOWN OR I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE ON YOU!"

Girl: "*drops candy* "NO!!!!! *SCREAM!!!!!!!*"

(insert rimshot here!)

Skit # 2: Delicate Virgin Ears

Cast:

Man
Manager
Me
Other Cashier

Man: (coming in and smelling of alcohol really badly, going up to manager) "Hey, dude, I gots something to tell ya.

Manager: "Yes? What I can do to help you?"

Me: (Passing by with full bag of trash to take to the back) "'Scuse me, guys."

Man: "well, Ah don't wanna say nuthing in front of HER, it's not woman's talk."

Me: (*shrug and walk off*) "Ok." (hangs back to listen, flees when I realize it's about the man's porn collection)

(5 minutes later)

Manager: ( to Other Cashier) "Did you sell him alcohol?"

Other Cashier: "Yeah. But he's always like that."

Manager: "Um...if you say so, but he really STANK. You have got to be more careful."

(insert rimshot here)

Skit # 3: Western Union Wankers

Cast

Man
Woman
Manager #1
Manager #2
Manager #3
Beer Guy
Other Cashier
Random Guy
Me

Man: (obviously a touch buzzed) "Hey, ya, can we get this Western Union check thinger cashed? S'for my girlfriend. (gestures to woman beside him who is equally buzzed)"

Manager #1: "Sure!" (begins proper procedure to contact Western Union to obtain money) "May I have your I.D, ma'am?"

Woman: "Scuse me?"

Manager # 1: "I need to see your id, please."

Woman: "Why?"

Manager #1: "Because the system requires it. May I please see it?"

Woman: "HELL NO. I'M IN HERE ALL THE TIME AND YOU DON'T NEED MY I.D. GIMMIE MY MONEY."

Manager # 1: "Just as soon as you give me your I.D, please."

Woman: "NO. GIMMIE MY FUCKING MONEY."

Manager # 1: "I need your I.D to give it to you."

Woman: "This is fucking STUPID.

Man: "Yeah, this is so stupid!"

Manager # 1: "Well, I can't do anything, do you have your license with you?"

Woman: "No, my ex-boyfriend cut it up."

Manager # 1: "I'm sorry to hear that, do you have another ID?"

Woman: "NO."

Manager # 1: "Then I suggest you call the sender and have them modify the transaction."

(Woman + Man leave, then come back back 5 minutes later)

Woman: "Is my money ready yet?"

Manager # 1: "Not until I see your ID."

Man: "YOU ARE SUCH A CUNT."

Manager # 1 (Seeing manager # 2 entering on her day off) "Hey, could you help me, please?"

Manager #2: "She needs to have your ID. If she doesn't have your ID, then you will not get your money."

Woman: "THIS IS SO STUPID WHY DO I NEED MY FUCKING ID WHEN I'M HERE ALL THE TIME!!!!! YOU ARE SO STUPID! YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH!"

Manager # 2: "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way but this is it. No id, no money.

(Manager # 2 leaves)

Beer Guy: (whistles as he walks past carrying full 12 bottles of Sam Adams Summer Ale; talks to cashier) "Hello, how are you doing?"

Other Cashier: "I'm good."

Beer Guy: (insert very loud BANG and crash of glass) "Oh...FUCK."

Me: "Oh, SPECTACULAR."

Beer Guy: (attempting to lift broken case.) "I'm so sorry..."

Me: "Stop touching the beer or you'll make an even bigger mess." (grabbing out mop and buckets)

Woman: "Hyuk hyuk hyuk, I really had to go to the bathroom, I'm sorry, I couldn't hold it."

Man: "Hyuk hyuk hyuk, someone really had to go pee."

(RIMSHOTS)

Me: (deadpan) "Hilarious."

Random Guy: (walks across wet floor and stands in the middle of it.)

Me: "You, sir. (whistle) Get out of my wet spot."

Random Guy: "Huh? Oh." (walks away)

Manager # 3 (just arriving and seeing the commotion, as there's also ten people at the photo counter waiting for their pictures to print; half jokingly) "I think I might have to go home now."

Woman: "Oh no you don't! Get here and tell HER to GET ME MY MONEY."

Manager # 3 "Well, Ma'am, it's FEDERALLY REQUIRED that she has an id. It's not us, it's the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT."

Woman: "Oh! Why didn't you say so! I'll call my mother and get her to change the requirements."

(Woman and man leave and come back)

Woman: "There, all set. I'm sooooooo sorry for all the trouble."

Me, Manager #1, Manager # 2 and Other Cashier, in unison: "No problem, have a good night."

(Woman and man get cash and finally leave).

(insert rimshots and sound of applause)

[NateTheChops]

Man, and I thought we had all of the crazy ones. Clearly they go to your store when they're on vacation from ours.

"I'm in here all the time"

Then you know the rules is usually my standard reply.

[fireheart]

The lady got her mum to change the requirements? o.O

That's just odd.

[ralerin]

Man, and I thought we had all of the crazy ones. Clearly they go to your store when they're on vacation from ours.

"I'm in here all the time"

Then you know the rules is usually my standard reply.

Urgh, apparently so. >_> Can I send 'em back to yours, please?

What really got me is how Woman went from "OMG YOU RAGHA RAGH RAGH RAGH" to "Oooh I'm so syrupy sweet as pie!" in .2 seconds. Apparently being told that it's the Federal Law! (TM!!!!) made her snap. I wish I could say the same for all of the other people who don't shut up when I ask for ID and tell them it's the Law (TM).

[crashhelmet]

Skit # 1: The Cops Are Coming!

Cast:
Mom
Young girl, 3-5 ish
Aunt

Mom: "Sally, stop touching the candy! Put it back and listen to me!"

Girl: "But mommy I wants it *WHINE!*"

Aunt: "PUT IT DOWN OR I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE ON YOU!"

Girl: "*drops candy* "NO!!!!! *SCREAM!!!!!!!*"

(insert rimshot here!)

My friend and I were riding on a Light Rail train in San Jose a while back and there was this little boy, probably not older than 4 or 5, bouncing all over the place and making noise. His mother kept trying to get him to stay seated and calm down but he wouldn't listen to her.

My friend leans into him and says "Do you know what happens when little kids don't listen to their mommies and daddies? They call the police and they come and put nails in their tongues."

The kid doesn't believe him, so he taps me on the shoulder and we both stick our tongues out, showing our piercings. The kid looked like he saw a ghost and shut up immediately. His mom turned to us and mouthed "Thank you."

I liked that idea so much i tried it on my Goddaughters and it worked like a charm. Scare them while they're young I say

CH

[Andara Bledin]

A word of warning on those scare tactics: once they figure out you're putting them on about that, they'll never take anything else you say at face value.

It's still funny, though.

^-.-^