That was rather blatant...

[AccountingDrone]

Back in the 80s, when The 700 Club was a popular show on the Christian Broadcasting Network, I had a neighbor who shared this little gem with me.

Back in 1986 I was working for an answering service, and over the course of several days I got a series of messages from a lady who had a son that had been in a fairly bad accident, and she was begging her friend who was an actress for PTL in Virginia Beach to get Pat Robertson to pray for her ... and apparently to get him to pray personally costs $$$$. I kept having this amazing urge to tell her that God listens to everybody, and *paying* some jackass on TV does not make sense ... wouldn't God prefer to hear a prayer from the one who needed it the most... but I would have so gotten fired and I really needed the job.

[Sheldonrs]

Alternative response:

"Have you found Jesus?"

"Found him; fucked him; forgot him."

[Andara Bledin]

I've found that the best way to deal with JWs is just to tell them that religion is a private thing and wish them a good day. Works like a charm for all of your standard missionary types who do the door to door thing.

Now, your typical hypocrite Jesus-pusher, however, will fly into a rage if you dare suggest that you don't need them to save you. I've only ever run into a couple of them, but they're the kind of screaming psychos that stick in your memory.

^-.-^

[Zellie Crescent]

If someone tries to hand me a pamplet for any religion, I just tell them that I believe in the flying spaghetti monster and walk away.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

My friend Tom had the best response to the Jehovah's Witnesses that came by his house once.

He stood there and stared off into space during a moment of silence in their prosyletizing, then blinked and looked at them, smiling, "Okay, Satan's done talking to me now, what were you saying?"

Another good one, which I've actually done:

"Oh, you're just in time! We've shaved the goat but we haven't started the ritual yet!"

[Crab]

I have a truly hilarious faux-newspaper to hand. Some apocalyptic christian thing. I thought it was scientologists when I got it.

I also like to fuck with missionaries. If you're going to ram your religion down my throat, I'm going to ward you off with the turkey curse.

[smileyeagle1021]

I like the response I've before given Mormon missionaries.

Me: sure, you can come in, I enjoy religious discussions... I must warn you though, I have a strong belief that important discussions should be free of all distractions, including clothing (which, ftr, yes, I have before had serious life discussions naked... it's an interesting experience that y'all might want to try one of these days)
Missionary: I'm not sure how appropriate that would be.
Me: well, unless either of you is a statistical anomoly it's nothing I haven't seen before, and I know I'm no statistical anomoly myself... so none of us will be seeing anything that hasn't been seen by all of us before (the fact that they were kinda cute notwithstanding )
Missionary: I don't think we can do that... that is way too far out of our comfort zone (and against the mission rules I might add)
Me: well... you were the one who knocked on my door...
Missionary: good point... umm... maybe some other day.
Me: maybe... though for future reference, the church wouldn't let me in even if I wanted in... you know... the whole gay thing and all...

and guess what... I have NEVER since had Mormon missionaries show up at my door
They think I'm the crazy gay guy who tries to convince missionaries to get naked so I can seduce them (which... umm... may not be that far from the truth )

[Bloodsoul]

"Have I found Jesus? Not yet. He's really good at hide-and-go-seek, ain't he?"

[yomiko]

I've heard that the best way to get JW to leave you alone is to tell them you've been disfellowshipped (i.e. kicked out or left voluntarily, never to return. EVER). Apparently, being a non-JW just means you haven't seen the light so they can proselytize. But if you've left, either voluntarily or been asked to leave, they fairly flee as though you're evil incarnate.

Ever since I've heard of this trick, I've been looking for an opportunity to use it. No luck yet but it's one of my goals in life at this point.

[ExiledV20]

I've never had too much problem with the proselytizing bunch. JWs and Mormons are not all that common in Atlanta - or at least, they haven't been frequentin the neighborhoods I live in.

There was the bunch of Baptists in Athens that would accept that being Roman Catholic is Crhistian. I finally had to pull the whole "You're Baptists? HERESY!" schtick in order to get them to go away. Raving about the Inquisition and how you need to purge the traitors to the Christian faith with gasoline and fire tends to work.

[Megg]

Living in Idaho was an interesting experience for me. More people came to my door wanting to convert us in the first year than I can even count. Mormons, ya know. Hubby actually expressed some interest in the church, but they told him his lifestyle was unacceptable. From that point on, I just told them that the Bishop of this Ward had denied us already, thanks. They would leave quietly after that. Wonder why?

Disfellowshipped? I will have to remember this word. Way more JW's than Mormons in SoCal.