Gods, what a week. I know I posted a mid-week catch up, but there's just so much! This is the first time in over 3 weeks that I've gotten 2 days off at all (in a row, no less!), and I couldn't be happier with that fact. Still, that just meant the week was that much worse. So, without further ado...
Wha?
Me: Ok, what date would you be coming in?
SC: I'll be there next Friday-huh. Do you have tables-huh for 4-huh open that day in the restaurant-huh?
Me: (What the fuck?) Er...yes ma'am, we have times at yada yada and yada.
SC: Oh, alright. I think we'd-huh like the 7-o'clock spot-huh.
Me: Ok, and your name?
SC: Firstname Lastname-huh. My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx-huh.
Me: (...AAAAAAHHHHHHH!) Ok, I have you all set for that time.
SC: Is the food good there-huh?
Me: Yes ma'am.
SC: Oh, good-huh. I really do enjoy good cuisine-huh.
AAAAAAHHHHHHH would you knock that shit off!? She wasn't even using it like a question...she literally would just end random words with "huh" like some batshit crazy emphasis. Is this why you're coming to see me? Did the family take you out of the home because "your huhs seem down this week" or something just to bug the hell out of me? What mind-pit of a family actually lets you speak to anyone on any basis, ever? Seriously? If I started talking like that, I'd kill myself out of irritation before the week was out.
Heh...
Me: Thank you for calling the <hotel>, this is Khiras, how can I help you?
SC: You know what, fuck you!
Me: But I love you so much!
SC: HRAAGGH-*click*
I still haven't told my co-workers what happened on this call. They all think I just went nuts for a few minutes
TMI
SC: I need to confirm my reservation.
Me: Ok, was the room at <property1> or <property2>?
SC: 264696
Me: .......What?
SC: It's 264696!
Me: *types it in* ...Er, that may not be right...that's from a reservation last year in January.
SC: Oh!
Me: What property was it at?
SC: It's with the <package> rate, I saw it advertised in this magazine and online about a month ago, so I booked it then...
Me: ........
SC: ...and I just knew that I HAD to get this great deal while it was out there, you know?
Me: ....So-
SC: So I called in and made sure I had the room, but I just get so worried when I go on these trips that I forgot something, so I always call to make sure I'm all set.
Me: ......
SC: ......
Me: ......So, was that at <property1> or <property2>?
Let me reveal one of my magicians secrets: I don't care. I processed your shpiel into memory to ridicule it here, but do you know how important the entire story was to me? I was playing mini golf on my iphone the whole time. It's a pasttime of mine, whenever someone won't shut the hell up. Odds are, the longer you talk to me, the more trick putts I get good at. The only thing you're accomplishing is the thinning of my paper-thin patience, and the restarting of the conversation before you decided to spew forth your wretched word-speech. Please, shut forth the dimension from which SOUND vomits forth from you, lest we summon the knight and court wizard from Medieval Times to beat you down with a frozen ham.
Wouldn't we all?
SC: I'd like an explanation!
Me: ("The Earth is round", "Sheep aren't 'life partners'", "You're an idiot." That sums it up.) For what, sir?
SC: I want someone to explain why I don't have a room there!!
Me: Sir, I don't know of your issue, could you explain? (Note, yes, I chose this wording to be a smart ass)
SC: I called 3 times today to book a room, and everyone keeps telling me you are sold out! That is unacceptable!!!
Me: Sir, would you prefer that we sold you a non-existant room, then waited until you were here to tell you that we have no place to put you? If you're being told a date is sold out, we have no rooms left.
SC: I've been coming there for 25 years, just kick someone else out! I only want to come to THIS hotel, not some Motel 6 piece of crap!
Me: I can connect you to a manager if you'd like, but I too am showing we have no rooms to sell.
Seriously, I don't get how people get into this state of mind. Even EW's usually figure things out if we're sold out BEFORE they get here. Ok, when someone's walked because we're oversold, that I understand...but we're telling you there's no rooms BEFORE you book. What the hell???
Naturally, this lady calls next...
SC: I want to get a room on (2 days in September) at the government rate.
Me: Alright.........it looks like I have a room on the 2nd day, but on the first day we are 100% booked in the hotel.
SC: Really!? I would never have believed you could be sold out on the (day) of September.
Me: Unfortunately, we have a large convention in town, that's their last day here.
SC: And there's no way to squeeze us in?
Me: Unfortunately not, we're completely out of rooms for that time.
SC: Jeez, I just never would have believed you could be sold out that day!
Me: Are there any other times you may be coming out? I can check other days if you'd like.
SC: No, only those...but gosh I just never would have believed...
WHY do you people incessantly think I can't process your bullshit the first time? YES, you never WOULD HAVE believed we could be sold out, but Uncle Khiras the Flinger of Bullshit has clearly pulled one over on you, what with his mastery of "sell rooms to other people constantly". You're almost as bad as a haggler, which thankfully I haven't had in weeks!
Oh wait
Ah shit.
SC: Is that your lowest rate for that room?
Me: Yes ma'am.
SC: If I give you a credit card right now and say I'll pay $80 for that room, will you do it?
Me: I can take your credit card number if you'd like, but the room can only be booked at the $110 price.
SC: God, I just can't believe in THIS economy, you don't work with someone on a hotel room!
Me: (WARNING, brain to mouth filter failure!) Fortunately ma'am, our hotel has proven both competant and profitable with our business model, we see no need to lower our prices like failing hotels. (Biotch!)
SC: I...wh....
Me: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Perhaps take a giant bite out of this delicious, cute, adorable kitten while you watch, then wipe my mouth while cackling loudly and screaming, "I'LL TAKE MY PANTS WITH EXTRA OREGANO THIS TIME, CAPTAIN SNOODLES!!!" Maybe I could run around with the Shroud of Turin tied tightly around me like a thong and sing "Smooth Criminal" over and over and over outside your house until you welcome sweet, sweet death as a release from my presence. That's right lady, I have taken your annoying attempt to haggle me down by pointing out that, hey, there are 2 rooms left tonight and I don't feel like playing with the Rate Selection Dartboard to figure out which rate you get charged. In fact, your attempt to get a cheaper price only makes me want to charge you MORE simply because of the fact that you've taken up more of my time!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to have a word with this delicious, cute, adorable kitten.
SNOODLES, WHERE BE MY PANTS YE VILLAIN!?!?
EDIT:
Ah hell, I forgot to mention why I chose the title! I just thought I should let everyone know that I'm rich! See, I got this e-mail "congraddulatting" me on my "wainin" the "Spainish Spain Lottery" for 130 million Euros! HOORAY! Congraddulattions to me! I am the SPAINISH LORD!!!
Meh, I thought I could make a funnier joke than that, but it's too late. I lost my momentum >< Oh well...ONWARD, Kitten-Loaf!
Wha?
Me: Ok, what date would you be coming in?
SC: I'll be there next Friday-huh. Do you have tables-huh for 4-huh open that day in the restaurant-huh?
Me: (What the fuck?) Er...yes ma'am, we have times at yada yada and yada.
SC: Oh, alright. I think we'd-huh like the 7-o'clock spot-huh.
Me: Ok, and your name?
SC: Firstname Lastname-huh. My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx-huh.
Me: (...AAAAAAHHHHHHH!) Ok, I have you all set for that time.
SC: Is the food good there-huh?
Me: Yes ma'am.
SC: Oh, good-huh. I really do enjoy good cuisine-huh.
AAAAAAHHHHHHH would you knock that shit off!? She wasn't even using it like a question...she literally would just end random words with "huh" like some batshit crazy emphasis. Is this why you're coming to see me? Did the family take you out of the home because "your huhs seem down this week" or something just to bug the hell out of me? What mind-pit of a family actually lets you speak to anyone on any basis, ever? Seriously? If I started talking like that, I'd kill myself out of irritation before the week was out.
Heh...
Me: Thank you for calling the <hotel>, this is Khiras, how can I help you?
SC: You know what, fuck you!
Me: But I love you so much!
SC: HRAAGGH-*click*
I still haven't told my co-workers what happened on this call. They all think I just went nuts for a few minutes

TMI
SC: I need to confirm my reservation.
Me: Ok, was the room at <property1> or <property2>?
SC: 264696
Me: .......What?
SC: It's 264696!
Me: *types it in* ...Er, that may not be right...that's from a reservation last year in January.
SC: Oh!
Me: What property was it at?
SC: It's with the <package> rate, I saw it advertised in this magazine and online about a month ago, so I booked it then...
Me: ........
SC: ...and I just knew that I HAD to get this great deal while it was out there, you know?
Me: ....So-
SC: So I called in and made sure I had the room, but I just get so worried when I go on these trips that I forgot something, so I always call to make sure I'm all set.
Me: ......
SC: ......
Me: ......So, was that at <property1> or <property2>?
Let me reveal one of my magicians secrets: I don't care. I processed your shpiel into memory to ridicule it here, but do you know how important the entire story was to me? I was playing mini golf on my iphone the whole time. It's a pasttime of mine, whenever someone won't shut the hell up. Odds are, the longer you talk to me, the more trick putts I get good at. The only thing you're accomplishing is the thinning of my paper-thin patience, and the restarting of the conversation before you decided to spew forth your wretched word-speech. Please, shut forth the dimension from which SOUND vomits forth from you, lest we summon the knight and court wizard from Medieval Times to beat you down with a frozen ham.
Wouldn't we all?
SC: I'd like an explanation!
Me: ("The Earth is round", "Sheep aren't 'life partners'", "You're an idiot." That sums it up.) For what, sir?
SC: I want someone to explain why I don't have a room there!!
Me: Sir, I don't know of your issue, could you explain? (Note, yes, I chose this wording to be a smart ass)
SC: I called 3 times today to book a room, and everyone keeps telling me you are sold out! That is unacceptable!!!
Me: Sir, would you prefer that we sold you a non-existant room, then waited until you were here to tell you that we have no place to put you? If you're being told a date is sold out, we have no rooms left.
SC: I've been coming there for 25 years, just kick someone else out! I only want to come to THIS hotel, not some Motel 6 piece of crap!
Me: I can connect you to a manager if you'd like, but I too am showing we have no rooms to sell.
Seriously, I don't get how people get into this state of mind. Even EW's usually figure things out if we're sold out BEFORE they get here. Ok, when someone's walked because we're oversold, that I understand...but we're telling you there's no rooms BEFORE you book. What the hell???
Naturally, this lady calls next...
SC: I want to get a room on (2 days in September) at the government rate.
Me: Alright.........it looks like I have a room on the 2nd day, but on the first day we are 100% booked in the hotel.
SC: Really!? I would never have believed you could be sold out on the (day) of September.
Me: Unfortunately, we have a large convention in town, that's their last day here.
SC: And there's no way to squeeze us in?
Me: Unfortunately not, we're completely out of rooms for that time.
SC: Jeez, I just never would have believed you could be sold out that day!
Me: Are there any other times you may be coming out? I can check other days if you'd like.
SC: No, only those...but gosh I just never would have believed...
WHY do you people incessantly think I can't process your bullshit the first time? YES, you never WOULD HAVE believed we could be sold out, but Uncle Khiras the Flinger of Bullshit has clearly pulled one over on you, what with his mastery of "sell rooms to other people constantly". You're almost as bad as a haggler, which thankfully I haven't had in weeks!
Oh wait
Ah shit.
SC: Is that your lowest rate for that room?
Me: Yes ma'am.
SC: If I give you a credit card right now and say I'll pay $80 for that room, will you do it?
Me: I can take your credit card number if you'd like, but the room can only be booked at the $110 price.
SC: God, I just can't believe in THIS economy, you don't work with someone on a hotel room!
Me: (WARNING, brain to mouth filter failure!) Fortunately ma'am, our hotel has proven both competant and profitable with our business model, we see no need to lower our prices like failing hotels. (Biotch!)
SC: I...wh....

Me: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Perhaps take a giant bite out of this delicious, cute, adorable kitten while you watch, then wipe my mouth while cackling loudly and screaming, "I'LL TAKE MY PANTS WITH EXTRA OREGANO THIS TIME, CAPTAIN SNOODLES!!!" Maybe I could run around with the Shroud of Turin tied tightly around me like a thong and sing "Smooth Criminal" over and over and over outside your house until you welcome sweet, sweet death as a release from my presence. That's right lady, I have taken your annoying attempt to haggle me down by pointing out that, hey, there are 2 rooms left tonight and I don't feel like playing with the Rate Selection Dartboard to figure out which rate you get charged. In fact, your attempt to get a cheaper price only makes me want to charge you MORE simply because of the fact that you've taken up more of my time!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to have a word with this delicious, cute, adorable kitten.
SNOODLES, WHERE BE MY PANTS YE VILLAIN!?!?
EDIT:
Ah hell, I forgot to mention why I chose the title! I just thought I should let everyone know that I'm rich! See, I got this e-mail "congraddulatting" me on my "wainin" the "Spainish Spain Lottery" for 130 million Euros! HOORAY! Congraddulattions to me! I am the SPAINISH LORD!!!
Meh, I thought I could make a funnier joke than that, but it's too late. I lost my momentum >< Oh well...ONWARD, Kitten-Loaf!
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