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Here Come The Popo! (long, sorry!)

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  • Here Come The Popo! (long, sorry!)

    With my new job at Flowers O Suck I've sort of turned into a switch hitter. What I do from day to day changes drastically sometimes hourly. Sometimes I call florists to get orders delivered. Sometimes I call customers and ask them if we can deliver something the next day or if they have the recipients phone number. Sometimes I clean up orders by eyeballing them and spanking the junior agents for screwing things up i.e. 'Hey So-n-so.. stop trying to sell same day delivery fruit baskets. Ain't gonna happen. I see you sold a 2 hour delivery on a fruit basket. STOP IT!" Sometimes I work in the sales queue and sell orders. It just depends where they need me the most.

    Sometimes it involves the least fun part of the job..*insert horror movie music here* working escalated customer service issues. Usually what happens is a junior agent will try to resolve someone's problem until they scream those dreaded words "Get Me A Supervisor RIGHT NOW!" and they transfer screaming customer to me.

    And usually that's okay. I've picked up some skills from the counseling and ministry coursework I'm doing that makes it usually pretty easy to placate the angry screamers. Notice I said usually?

    Not so the other night....

    Super Entitlement Woman - SEW
    Me - Mere cog in corporate machine armed only with psych knowledge & policy
    Coworker 1 - CW1
    Supervisor 1 - S1
    Bank Geek - BG

    Me - Spitting out my spiel ending with 'and how can I be of service today?'
    SEW - OOOoooo! I am SO angry right now! CW1 and S1 hung up on me without taking care of my problem!
    Me - Oh I'm so sorry about that. Let me see how I can resolve your issue today. *insert sympathetic noises and empathetic tone of voice* Do you have your order number?
    SEW - #6666666

    As I'm tapping in the order number and starting to read the "War & Peace" length notes SEW starts high volume rapid screeching in my ear. I cannot understand a word out of her mouth beyond 'Calling police' and 'scam artists' and the like.

    Me - Would it be alright to place you on a brief hold so I have the chance to review your order.
    SEW - NO! It would NOT be alright!
    Me - I'm sorry but I do need a few seconds to read these notes so I can further assist you. Please hold.

    And I place her on hold and take off my headset because she's still screeching and ranting at a loud volume. Notes indicate that she placed an order around 1 am, paid for express delivery and put a note in the order that the fruit basket had to be delivered by 7 am. Upset it was not delivered. Notes indicate that the computer did tell her that it would be delivered by 1 pm. Looks like a simple case of logic fail. She paid for express delivery and ignored the fact that express is by 1 pm. Demanding money back. Order already sent to billing for a refund. Done deal.

    So I get back on the phone and explain all of this to her.
    SEW - Well, that's OUTRAGEOUS! I paid for 7 am delivery!
    Me - Ma'am, the florist opens at 9 am. There's simply no physical way for a 7 am delivery to happen ever. I'm sorry policy wasn't clear enough for you.
    SEW - Why wasn't I told that then?
    Me - I show that the computer gave you an express delivery option clearly marked by 1 pm. We attempted to call you three times, leaving voice mails each time and we emailed you this information twice.
    SEW - That is unacceptable! I never got any calls!
    ME - It's documented that Chris from Customer Service called you at 555-555-1212. Is that your correct phone number?
    SEW - *huffy & indignant as well as angry now* yes it is, but how can you expect a busy important person like me to check my messages all the time?
    Me - (I don't even address that lunacy) If you'd like I can get this out tomorrow by 1 pm and give you a 30 percent discount for the inconvenience and frustration you've suffered. I so sorry this order didn't go as smoothly as it could have and I do apologize for any rudeness at the hands of my coworkers. I know you're frustrated, I would be too..

    Usually this is the point where most folks realize I'm trying to cut them some slack and redeem the situation for everyone involved. Since I'm careful to be calm and always speaking with a conciliatory and sympathetic tone most people get very calm and take the offer, some even thanking me. Not Miss Crazy Cakes.

    SEW - Send it out for free and we'll be even.
    Me - Ma'am I cannot do that.
    SEW - Why, it's the right thing to do..
    Me - It's against policy. I can give you a large discount and send the order out or I can let it go to refund as it's scheduled to do right now.
    SEW - Well I want my money back right now. You've stolen my money!
    Me - You will be receiving a refund back onto the card you used.
    SEW - I. WANT. IT. RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
    Me - It depends on if the credit card charges for today have already gone to settlement with the bank or not. if not the money will reappear in your account tomorrow. If they'd settled then it will be 3 to 5 days.
    SEW - No, that's against the law. I know my legal rights here. YOU WILL RETURN IT RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWWWW!
    Me - Again, madam, I have no way to do that. You will have to wait.
    SEW - I know the law. You return it right now or I'm going to call the sheriff on you and get you arrested! You just want to hang onto my money so your company can use the interest for those days!
    Me - Ma'am it's ten forty five on a Thursday night, I have no way of returning your money tonight. Now if you have the fax number for your bank I can have someone fax over a release of funds statement to your bank instructing them that we have canceled the order and are charging back the funds.
    SEW - NO NONONONONO!!!!!! You will return them tonight!
    Me - Again, I have no way to do that this evening.

    At this point I stop and explain our use of a third party credit card verification and billing system, explaining there will be no one available to do what she's asking until morning.

    Silence. Crickets chirp.

    SEW - I WANT MY MONEY BACK NOW!! I know how this works, I know it's against the law and I know you're going to jail tonight!!!!!!!
    Me - Ma'am, I bid you a good night as you're refused to accept the solutions I've offered. Please call back tomorrow when billing is here.
    SEW - *drops attitude just a smidgen* if I get my bank on the phone will you tell them that the charges are being reversed so they'll put back the money tonight?
    Me - Sure.

    Minutes pass before she manages to get her three way calling going and connect her and I with the bank.

    BG - Alrighty then... what is your transaction number from the bank?
    Me - I don't have access to that.
    SEW - You better find it or you're going to jail TONIGHT!
    Me - I. Don't. Have. That. Information.
    BG - How about your Visa/Mastercard Merchant ID number?
    Me - I don't have access to that information either, the transaction was this date for this amount. We have canceled the order and are returning the fee.
    BG - Sorry, I cannot do this just on your word, I have to have the requested information.
    Me - I don't have access to that information.
    BG - Ma'am, Miss Crazy Cakes, I'm sorry but you'll have to wait for the merchant to return the fees. I have nothing I can work with within the banks policies.
    SEW - YOU are going to be in a world of hurt! I'm going to get 60 Minutes on you! I'm going to ruin your company's reputation worldwide. YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! I am calling the cops in your town to arrest you personally for fraud tonight!
    and at this point I snap
    Me - Madam, at this point I'd welcome jail. Three hots and a cot. lazing around reading sounds like heaven right now. Have a nice evening. Click...
    "No, I will not poop a shopping cart out for you." - Irving Patrick Freleigh

  • #2
    Can't help if the "BG" hung up right after that laughing his ass off.

    Comment


    • #3
      Sweet final answer. Props for keeping your cool to that point.
      Sorry, my cow died so I don't need your bull

      Comment


      • #4
        Loved the end. Mad props for keeping your cool with Super Entitlement Whore for so long. I mean seriously, did she think that you can read her mind or pull up the banking info out of your ass to cancel the transaction?!
        I don't get paid enough to kiss your a**! -Groezig 5/31/08
        Another day...another million braincells lost...-Sarlon 6/16/08
        Chivalry is not dead. It's just direly underappreciated. -Samaliel 9/15/09

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth tropicsgoddess View Post
          I mean seriously, did she think that you can read her mind or pull up the banking info out of your ass to cancel the transaction?!
          Don't you remember, all customer service reps are meant to be able to pull details about every single person that rings them up out of their ass instantly? Their asses turn into hammerspace when they get the job.

          As for the OP, is it just me, or was that woman on crack?
          The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

          Now queen of USSR-Land...

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          • #6
            Quoth fireheart17 View Post

            As for the OP, is it just me, or was that woman on crack?
            She's definitely walking proof that crack doesn't smoke itself.
            Human Resources - the adult version of "I'm telling Mom." - Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo (NCIS)

            Comment


            • #7
              I will second that a working knowledge of psychology does help very much.

              Plus it's perversely fun to piss off a crazy customer while being sweetness and light.

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              • #8
                I want my Porsche and I want it....Right....NOW!

                If not, you're going to jail. YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL TONIGHT! Someone get Stuttgart on the line, and I mean now, I want that damn German sports car, and I want it in my driveway this instant. If not, I'm calling the Sheriff, and you ALL will be rotting in a cell TONIGHT!

                Yeah. Right. Someone please run this load of steaming horseshit past a cop. If they don't laugh their ass off at this woman's stupidity and cluelessness, I'll blow an ox.

                "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                Still A Customer."

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                • #9
                  Quoth calulu View Post
                  SEW - Send it out for free and we'll be even.
                  Me - Ma'am I cannot do that.
                  SEW - Why, it's the right thing to do...
                  That's right, you're in Customer Service, now be a good rep and bend over so you can properly service the customer!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I am calling the cops in your town to arrest you personally for fraud tonight!
                    Why, is usual police procedure in this area to arrest me over the phone or via fax?
                    I am the nocturnal echo-locating flying mammal man.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I wasn't on crack and the woman seemed as lucid as a crazy entitlement whore can be so I'm voting no on the crack. You can tell pretty quickly when you're dealing with chemically enhanced folks.

                      As you can see I wasn't hauled off to jail either...
                      "No, I will not poop a shopping cart out for you." - Irving Patrick Freleigh

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Wait.

                        She read the "express time" wrong and then wanted the order for FREE?


                        *head desk*

                        WHY am I even surprised??
                        Teach a SC to fish... and they will whine about you not catching, filleting, frying, and serving it up on a silver platter for them. - EvilEmpryss

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                        • #13
                          Quoth calulu View Post
                          I'm voting no on the crack.
                          Joke killer.


                          glad you're not in jail, though!
                          Ba'al: I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.

                          http://unrelatedcaptions.com/45147

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth OfficeSlug View Post
                            WHY am I even surprised??
                            Yes. Why ARE you?!?

                            "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                            Still A Customer."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth calulu View Post
                              SEW - I know the law. You return it right now or I'm going to call the sheriff on you and get you arrested!
                              The Sheriff! No, not the Sheriff!
                              "A black sheriff?"
                              "He's black?"
                              "And why not? It worked in Blazin' Saddles."
                              "I call murder on that!"

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