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Grumble...it's been a while since I even had the energy to write down the idiots I was dealing with, but something about the past few days just embittered them to me more than usual. Here we go folks, descend into my world of pain!!!
(Edit, accidently posted this before with nothing after the first story...sorry to confuse anyone hehe)
Really!? First call!?
This was my first call this week:
Me: Thank you for calling the <hotel> this is Khiras, how can I-
SC: IS THIS A RECORDING!?
Me: No, I'm a person ma'am.
SC: WELL I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Me: ...Alright, how can I help you.
SC: YOU CAN HELP ME BY MAKING SURE I HEAR YOU!!!
Me: (Clearly you just heard me you shitbrained harpy...) ...How can I help you?
SC: I'VE CALLED 6 TIMES NOW SO IT'S NOT MY CONNECTION. NOW I WANT TO CONFIRM MY ROOM. IT'S 1234567!!!
Me: Ok, I-
SC: I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
Me: Can you-
SC: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! AND DON'T YOU HANG UP ON ME, ALTHOUGH I GUESS THAT'S WHAT THEY DO IN DENVER!!!
Me: (only to rude ass hags like you, biotch.)
This went on for 5 minutes, and it was clear she could hear me the whole time, because she'd repeat back what I said to her. It really makes me wonder if there's a Bitch Stimulation Chip out there that's being inserted into the brains of idiots these days. Maybe they receive stimulation to their pleasure centers whenever they decide to be a complete and total fuck. Or maybe, just maybe, they're a complete and total fuck anyway, and they just do it for no reward at all.
Somehow, I think option 2 is the one we're going with.
Credit or Idiot
Me: (after 20 minutes of talking to one person) Alright, what type of card would you like to use to hold the room?
SC: Uhhhh....like, my ID card?
Me: No, we need a credit or debit card to hold the room.
SC: Oh, would the number on my student ID work?
Me: .......is your ID a credit or debit card?
SC: Uh....no?
Me: Then no.
SC: Oh...uh...ok. *click*
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
You stole 20 minutes of my life. 20 minutes, by the way, of making me describe the most exotic, expensive rooms in detailed accounts, which took over 10 minutes by itself. After doing this, you proceeded to try and rent the cheapest room we offer in the hotel, asked 10 more minutes of questions, then wrapped it up by letting me know that you had wasted my time in extraordinary ways. You ever seen the movie Time Bandits? Well, you're not one of them, because that would imply that you were part of something neat where, right now, you have only been part of something painful. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Sausage Offerer
SC: Uh...I wanted to let you know one thing before we booked the room; the other hotels already said no, so I'm not sure if you would make it allowable...
Me: O....kay...what's that?
SC: I'm actually a nudist. Would that be a problem?
Me: (without missing a beat) Well, what you do in your room is completely up to you, if you're going to be nude there that's fine, but outside of the room you would still be subject to Denver statutes.
SC: So I couldn't go outside?
Me: Not naked, really. Inside your room there wouldn't be any issues, but in public areas it's considered indecent exposure by Denver law, so you could be arrested for that if you were walking around.
SC: How is that fair to me?
Me: (You're either a prank caller, or you're really thick...either way, I'm not biting) I can't say anything about that, really, just passing along the law info. No hotel can really change that, so if you travel to Denver you'll be dealing with that more or less everywhere. (How would you board the plane, I wonder?)
SC: Huh...
Me: Did you still want to get a room? (Do nudists ever have pockets? Like, taped on? Where would he put his room key?)
SC: *click*
So, let's backtrack. Either you are a prank caller who had tried, and failed, to get a rise out of me...or you're a really thick nudist who things that your preference for being naked immediately translates into "everyone should cater to my nakedness everywhere I go". If you're the former, then you have really ended up with the wrong person. Let's face it, all you have to do is peruse my previous posts to figure out that I have encountered people who are a LOT weirder than this call, so the complete and total lack of hesitation that I have when answering your question may, or may not, be due to that. I mean, I had a woman tell me that her former Texas Ranger ex-cop husband stalks her by wearing a black rubber suit that makes him invisible, except to other Rangers, blows magic sleep dust in her face, then plays with her hair and puts things into her ears. You're kind of sub-par compared to that. And, if this guy really IS a nudist who thinks he should be naked everywhere...well, how was he expecting to get here? Maybe he could drive, but going by airplane sure as hell wasn't going to happen without him getting clubbed like a baby seal. So what was the plan anyway?
Group Drama
Ok, so we have a large group coming to Denver soon. This particular group basically owns every hotel now, and there are thousands of people coming to play in a tournament with the group. Now, there are two kickers with this group. First, to get their group rate, you HAVE to book through them, you can't just call the hotel and get the same rooms...this is in our contract, and if we violate it there are huge fees we have to pay out. Second, PARENTS can do whatever they want, but any of the kids playing in the tournament HAVE to register through the group, or they CAN NOT play in the tournament. The only way for them to register to play is to register for a room with the group. This has led to hundreds of calls from pissed off parents because the rooms at our hotel sold out first, since we're close to where they're playing. The hotels they are getting booked at are miles away, but there's nothing we can do. Still, we know of at least 3 groups of rooms that MAY be trying to sneak around, but they deny there are any players. That said...if they have players, they're going to be suddenly shocked when none of them are allowed to play; I'm sure this will be our fault, even though they didn't specify they were with the group when they booked. Here are some quick SC responses to this policy though:
SC: You all just don't want to do the work because you're so lazy!
Yes, I'm so lazy that I don't want the hotel to get fined out the ass. That's it.
SC: You're lying to me, that's can't be the truth!
No, I'm not. Yes, it can. You. Idiot.
SC: That makes no sense!
It makes perfect sense...the group had issues last year with fuckwad parents like you trying to skirt around the rules and overbook hotels; they had a registration nightmare last year because of it, and they found a solution. Maybe if people hadn't been so stupid the year before, this wouldn't have happened.
SC: That's against the law!!
I don't even know where to start on this. No, it's not against the law for a group to require its members to go through their booking agency. No, it's not against the law to require THEIR players to register with THEM. It SHOULD be against the law for you to have contact with other mammels and/or reptiles, but unfortunately the law isn't coming through for me on that just yet.
SC: But they won't put me there!
I know that, sugartits. That's because they filled the rooms they had with us within a week of taking reservations. Part of being an adult is learning how to deal with things. Part of being human is growing and thinking. Of course, part of being a vacuous, gelatinous blob like you is stating the obvious and punching yourself in the gut while preparing from your daily excursion to eat from the toilet.
SC: But the hotel they want to put us at is 15+ minutes away!
Oh dear, 15 whole minutes! You do realize that's only 10 more minutes than you would be travelling anyway, right? An HOUR might be excessive, but 15 minutes? You are what we call an overreacting sow, and your mooing of indignence has failed to sway me.
SC: Can't you just put us there and register us!?
What part of "no" did you miss? What part of "the players can only play if they register through the booking agency" was hard to understand? Did I lose you BEFORE or AFTER "the"?
Valentine's Fun
To save time...just imagine I posted this next conversation 50+ times. Because it's a real barn burner.
Me: I'm sorry, the <famous formal dining room that everyone wants months in advance on holidays> is fully booked for Valentine's Day Weekend, every day.
SC: Even if we're guests in the hotel?
Me: We're completely sold out for that day.
SC: You can't even squeeze in a party of 2!?
Me: ...We're completely sold out for that day.
SC: Do you think they'll open any more tables?
Me: ...........We're completely sold out for that day.
One definition of insanity is to repeat an action while expecting a different response. This means that you are completely insane by thinking that asking the right question will make a new table appear. Of course, it also means that I'm insane, because I assume that repeating "we're sold out" will elicit a response of "oh, damn." This means that I've gone quite mad and COWBOY UNICORNS ON THE PRAIRIE!!! EEEHHH HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!
Oh fuck off.
Me: Ok, well what we would have would-
SC: Hold on a sec. (Hold music)
Me: *click*
No. Just no. I'm not feeling your sassiness today. I don't care if your rabbit just exploded all over a wall, that was not how you deal with people in public. The correct way to put me on hold would be to say, "I'm sorry, I actually called you while I was still having sex with a chicken. I've just realized that this is a really inconvenient time to be on the phone, but I need 2 hands to disengage from this activity without being scratched a lot, so can I put you on hold?" I mean, I could be paraphrasing here, but I assume that's what the guy was doing. It seems likely.
Child Abuse
SC: (children crying in the background) Ok...well what I think...ugh hold on. WOULD YOU GO AWAY FROM MOMMY!!!??? I AM ON A VERY IMPORTANT PHONE CALL AND YOU ARE RUINING IT!!!
(crying commences into the background)
Dude, lady, chill the fuck out. Your "very important phone call" is asking me about a restaurant table in November, for fucks sake! This is something that should play second fiddle to your children crying next to you. What if something was really wrong with them? I would only hope that whatever harm they experienced was visited ten-fold back on you after that. God damn I hate people...
Random Hobo Encounter
Since I'm out of Security, these happen less, but I do still have some random run ins. This one caught me on a bad day...
Hobo: Hey, want to touch my balls?
Me: I will stab you in the neck with a fucking spork.
And we both went on our respective paths. It was like instant one-liner day. He didn't even really get offended, which means I used a good line.
No, bite me.
(We're still only 1/3 of the way through finishing a reservation)
SC: Yeah, I have a meeting to be in, can we hurry this up?
Ok, lesson in etiquette: I don't give a shit. You called me you raving asshole. If you had a meeting to go to, you should have planned better and either called earlier, or called afterward. If anything, I am now more likely to go SLOWER in this conversation than I am to speed it up because, you see, we don't like people who do this sort of thing. Despite what you may think, you are taking up our time, not the other way around. you have the option of ending this conversation and trying again later whereas we get in trouble for hanging up on your dumb ass. What this means is that your boss is going to have several extra minutes to masturbate in the hidden area behind his desk before you get into the room. In an odd way, I may be doing you a favor, since you may miss the weird faces he always makes while he stares at you. Maybe he doesn't do that, it's just a theory, but it's probably correct.
That's all I have the energy to post right now...I hate my job...
(Edit, accidently posted this before with nothing after the first story...sorry to confuse anyone hehe)
Really!? First call!?
This was my first call this week:
Me: Thank you for calling the <hotel> this is Khiras, how can I-
SC: IS THIS A RECORDING!?
Me: No, I'm a person ma'am.
SC: WELL I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Me: ...Alright, how can I help you.
SC: YOU CAN HELP ME BY MAKING SURE I HEAR YOU!!!
Me: (Clearly you just heard me you shitbrained harpy...) ...How can I help you?
SC: I'VE CALLED 6 TIMES NOW SO IT'S NOT MY CONNECTION. NOW I WANT TO CONFIRM MY ROOM. IT'S 1234567!!!
Me: Ok, I-
SC: I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
Me: Can you-
SC: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! AND DON'T YOU HANG UP ON ME, ALTHOUGH I GUESS THAT'S WHAT THEY DO IN DENVER!!!
Me: (only to rude ass hags like you, biotch.)
This went on for 5 minutes, and it was clear she could hear me the whole time, because she'd repeat back what I said to her. It really makes me wonder if there's a Bitch Stimulation Chip out there that's being inserted into the brains of idiots these days. Maybe they receive stimulation to their pleasure centers whenever they decide to be a complete and total fuck. Or maybe, just maybe, they're a complete and total fuck anyway, and they just do it for no reward at all.
Somehow, I think option 2 is the one we're going with.
Credit or Idiot
Me: (after 20 minutes of talking to one person) Alright, what type of card would you like to use to hold the room?
SC: Uhhhh....like, my ID card?
Me: No, we need a credit or debit card to hold the room.
SC: Oh, would the number on my student ID work?
Me: .......is your ID a credit or debit card?
SC: Uh....no?
Me: Then no.
SC: Oh...uh...ok. *click*
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
You stole 20 minutes of my life. 20 minutes, by the way, of making me describe the most exotic, expensive rooms in detailed accounts, which took over 10 minutes by itself. After doing this, you proceeded to try and rent the cheapest room we offer in the hotel, asked 10 more minutes of questions, then wrapped it up by letting me know that you had wasted my time in extraordinary ways. You ever seen the movie Time Bandits? Well, you're not one of them, because that would imply that you were part of something neat where, right now, you have only been part of something painful. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Sausage Offerer
SC: Uh...I wanted to let you know one thing before we booked the room; the other hotels already said no, so I'm not sure if you would make it allowable...
Me: O....kay...what's that?
SC: I'm actually a nudist. Would that be a problem?
Me: (without missing a beat) Well, what you do in your room is completely up to you, if you're going to be nude there that's fine, but outside of the room you would still be subject to Denver statutes.
SC: So I couldn't go outside?
Me: Not naked, really. Inside your room there wouldn't be any issues, but in public areas it's considered indecent exposure by Denver law, so you could be arrested for that if you were walking around.
SC: How is that fair to me?
Me: (You're either a prank caller, or you're really thick...either way, I'm not biting) I can't say anything about that, really, just passing along the law info. No hotel can really change that, so if you travel to Denver you'll be dealing with that more or less everywhere. (How would you board the plane, I wonder?)
SC: Huh...
Me: Did you still want to get a room? (Do nudists ever have pockets? Like, taped on? Where would he put his room key?)
SC: *click*
So, let's backtrack. Either you are a prank caller who had tried, and failed, to get a rise out of me...or you're a really thick nudist who things that your preference for being naked immediately translates into "everyone should cater to my nakedness everywhere I go". If you're the former, then you have really ended up with the wrong person. Let's face it, all you have to do is peruse my previous posts to figure out that I have encountered people who are a LOT weirder than this call, so the complete and total lack of hesitation that I have when answering your question may, or may not, be due to that. I mean, I had a woman tell me that her former Texas Ranger ex-cop husband stalks her by wearing a black rubber suit that makes him invisible, except to other Rangers, blows magic sleep dust in her face, then plays with her hair and puts things into her ears. You're kind of sub-par compared to that. And, if this guy really IS a nudist who thinks he should be naked everywhere...well, how was he expecting to get here? Maybe he could drive, but going by airplane sure as hell wasn't going to happen without him getting clubbed like a baby seal. So what was the plan anyway?
Group Drama
Ok, so we have a large group coming to Denver soon. This particular group basically owns every hotel now, and there are thousands of people coming to play in a tournament with the group. Now, there are two kickers with this group. First, to get their group rate, you HAVE to book through them, you can't just call the hotel and get the same rooms...this is in our contract, and if we violate it there are huge fees we have to pay out. Second, PARENTS can do whatever they want, but any of the kids playing in the tournament HAVE to register through the group, or they CAN NOT play in the tournament. The only way for them to register to play is to register for a room with the group. This has led to hundreds of calls from pissed off parents because the rooms at our hotel sold out first, since we're close to where they're playing. The hotels they are getting booked at are miles away, but there's nothing we can do. Still, we know of at least 3 groups of rooms that MAY be trying to sneak around, but they deny there are any players. That said...if they have players, they're going to be suddenly shocked when none of them are allowed to play; I'm sure this will be our fault, even though they didn't specify they were with the group when they booked. Here are some quick SC responses to this policy though:
SC: You all just don't want to do the work because you're so lazy!
Yes, I'm so lazy that I don't want the hotel to get fined out the ass. That's it.
SC: You're lying to me, that's can't be the truth!
No, I'm not. Yes, it can. You. Idiot.
SC: That makes no sense!
It makes perfect sense...the group had issues last year with fuckwad parents like you trying to skirt around the rules and overbook hotels; they had a registration nightmare last year because of it, and they found a solution. Maybe if people hadn't been so stupid the year before, this wouldn't have happened.
SC: That's against the law!!
I don't even know where to start on this. No, it's not against the law for a group to require its members to go through their booking agency. No, it's not against the law to require THEIR players to register with THEM. It SHOULD be against the law for you to have contact with other mammels and/or reptiles, but unfortunately the law isn't coming through for me on that just yet.
SC: But they won't put me there!
I know that, sugartits. That's because they filled the rooms they had with us within a week of taking reservations. Part of being an adult is learning how to deal with things. Part of being human is growing and thinking. Of course, part of being a vacuous, gelatinous blob like you is stating the obvious and punching yourself in the gut while preparing from your daily excursion to eat from the toilet.
SC: But the hotel they want to put us at is 15+ minutes away!
Oh dear, 15 whole minutes! You do realize that's only 10 more minutes than you would be travelling anyway, right? An HOUR might be excessive, but 15 minutes? You are what we call an overreacting sow, and your mooing of indignence has failed to sway me.
SC: Can't you just put us there and register us!?
What part of "no" did you miss? What part of "the players can only play if they register through the booking agency" was hard to understand? Did I lose you BEFORE or AFTER "the"?
Valentine's Fun
To save time...just imagine I posted this next conversation 50+ times. Because it's a real barn burner.
Me: I'm sorry, the <famous formal dining room that everyone wants months in advance on holidays> is fully booked for Valentine's Day Weekend, every day.
SC: Even if we're guests in the hotel?
Me: We're completely sold out for that day.
SC: You can't even squeeze in a party of 2!?
Me: ...We're completely sold out for that day.
SC: Do you think they'll open any more tables?
Me: ...........We're completely sold out for that day.
One definition of insanity is to repeat an action while expecting a different response. This means that you are completely insane by thinking that asking the right question will make a new table appear. Of course, it also means that I'm insane, because I assume that repeating "we're sold out" will elicit a response of "oh, damn." This means that I've gone quite mad and COWBOY UNICORNS ON THE PRAIRIE!!! EEEHHH HEE HEE HEE HEE!!!
Oh fuck off.
Me: Ok, well what we would have would-
SC: Hold on a sec. (Hold music)
Me: *click*
No. Just no. I'm not feeling your sassiness today. I don't care if your rabbit just exploded all over a wall, that was not how you deal with people in public. The correct way to put me on hold would be to say, "I'm sorry, I actually called you while I was still having sex with a chicken. I've just realized that this is a really inconvenient time to be on the phone, but I need 2 hands to disengage from this activity without being scratched a lot, so can I put you on hold?" I mean, I could be paraphrasing here, but I assume that's what the guy was doing. It seems likely.
Child Abuse
SC: (children crying in the background) Ok...well what I think...ugh hold on. WOULD YOU GO AWAY FROM MOMMY!!!??? I AM ON A VERY IMPORTANT PHONE CALL AND YOU ARE RUINING IT!!!
(crying commences into the background)
Dude, lady, chill the fuck out. Your "very important phone call" is asking me about a restaurant table in November, for fucks sake! This is something that should play second fiddle to your children crying next to you. What if something was really wrong with them? I would only hope that whatever harm they experienced was visited ten-fold back on you after that. God damn I hate people...
Random Hobo Encounter
Since I'm out of Security, these happen less, but I do still have some random run ins. This one caught me on a bad day...
Hobo: Hey, want to touch my balls?
Me: I will stab you in the neck with a fucking spork.
And we both went on our respective paths. It was like instant one-liner day. He didn't even really get offended, which means I used a good line.
No, bite me.
(We're still only 1/3 of the way through finishing a reservation)
SC: Yeah, I have a meeting to be in, can we hurry this up?
Ok, lesson in etiquette: I don't give a shit. You called me you raving asshole. If you had a meeting to go to, you should have planned better and either called earlier, or called afterward. If anything, I am now more likely to go SLOWER in this conversation than I am to speed it up because, you see, we don't like people who do this sort of thing. Despite what you may think, you are taking up our time, not the other way around. you have the option of ending this conversation and trying again later whereas we get in trouble for hanging up on your dumb ass. What this means is that your boss is going to have several extra minutes to masturbate in the hidden area behind his desk before you get into the room. In an odd way, I may be doing you a favor, since you may miss the weird faces he always makes while he stares at you. Maybe he doesn't do that, it's just a theory, but it's probably correct.
That's all I have the energy to post right now...I hate my job...
Seamless. 
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