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All these from last night:
I am now a drug-sniffing dog:
Was stocking sporting goods off the truck when some crabby, wrinkly pug of a woman came up to us and thrust a piece of luggage in my face. "This smells musty! Smell it! It smells all musty!"
I stick my nose inside the opened suitcase and take a big ol' whiff. It smells sorta fabric-y, not musty at all. I know musty--we've got a box full of purses that smell like they were sitting in a damp basement since about 1974, and are going to be returned when we get the return authorization from corporate. There is some stank emanating from those purses, boy howdy.
I pass judgment on the suitcase: not musty or strong-smelling in the least, and a little Febreeze should take care of any odor she may find offensive. So she dumps her damn bag in my co-worker's hands and tells her to smell it. She says the same thing I do.
That still doesn't satisfy the wrinkly old skinbag, so a third co-worker is summoned to sniff-test the suitcase and pronounce it not nearly as odoriferous as skinbag is proclaiming it to be.
Skinbag then shoots us about the nastiest look she can muster--beyond cat-butt face into "You just crushed my puppy right in front of me and I WILL HAVE YOUR SOUL"--tosses the bag onto the floor, and stomps off.
Can I interest you in a hearing aid?
On my way back to the backroom from a break, I got flagged down by some other old woman. "I NEED HELP! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A CLERK FOR THIRTY MINUTES AND I CAN'T FIND ONE!"
Awesome. I'm in for it now! I ask the woman what she needs.
"I WANT THE BOUNTY SELECT-A-SIZE IN YOUR AD HERE. AND I CAN'T HEAR VERY WELL SO YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP."
Awesome. I get to give off the impression I'm berating some poor old lady for no apparent reason. And unfortunately, we did not have the particular paper towel she wanted. In fact, it was put on clearance some time ago and has since sold out. But yet it's mentioned in our ad flier as being on sale.
So I attempt to explain we do not have the 8-pack of Bounty Select-A-Size paper towels that were in the ad, we don't carry them anymore, no siree, other stores may still be carrying it but we do not any more. And I have to do this in a voice more raised than normal and possibly bordering on confrontational. And all of this is met with either of the following two responses:
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!", OR
"BUT I WANT THE SELECT-A-SIZE BOUNTY! IT'S IN YOUR AD!"
Finally a younger woman emerges, who turns out to be her daughter. Daughter tells mom "IF HE SAYS THE STORE DOESN'T HAVE THOSE PAPER TOWELS, THEN THEY DON'T HAVE THEM. YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY SOMETHING ELSE."
They select another variety of Bounty paper towels that are on sale, and leave to do more shopping and finally let me put my vocal cords to bed for a bit.
Bonus: Phones are amazing
You are Richard Simmons, electronics supervisor at the swamp. You are lazy. You are a waste of a human life. You shun customers as much as possible and wait for them top come to you to buy something without asking any questions, so you can sucker them into buying the extended protection plan. You refuse to put out your freight, so you delegate that job to your underlings or just leave it not done.
Your wear your pants so high, you will one day choke yourself to death with your own belt. And then we all will erect a statue to honor the belt.
Somebody has called you asking if we have any Playstation 3s in. You remember looking at the truck manifest earlier today and you noticed a couple Playstation 3s on it, but you're not sure if they really were on this truck, or if they were unloaded, or if they're sitting in one of your pallets of freight someplace.
How do you respond to this inquiry?
A.
Tell the customer that we do have Playstation 3s that just came in, but you're not sure if they're off the truck yet, and transfer the call to the freight supervisor or anybody else who unloaded the truck because they may know where the Playstation 3s are, or
B.
Tell the customer "Yeah, we have Playstation 3s, but we don't know where they are," tell the customer to call back and ask for the freight supervisor (thus forcing the customer to re-dial and wait on hold AGAIN until somebody can get to them), and hang up.
You get two guesses. First one doesn't count
I am now a drug-sniffing dog:
Was stocking sporting goods off the truck when some crabby, wrinkly pug of a woman came up to us and thrust a piece of luggage in my face. "This smells musty! Smell it! It smells all musty!"
I stick my nose inside the opened suitcase and take a big ol' whiff. It smells sorta fabric-y, not musty at all. I know musty--we've got a box full of purses that smell like they were sitting in a damp basement since about 1974, and are going to be returned when we get the return authorization from corporate. There is some stank emanating from those purses, boy howdy.
I pass judgment on the suitcase: not musty or strong-smelling in the least, and a little Febreeze should take care of any odor she may find offensive. So she dumps her damn bag in my co-worker's hands and tells her to smell it. She says the same thing I do.
That still doesn't satisfy the wrinkly old skinbag, so a third co-worker is summoned to sniff-test the suitcase and pronounce it not nearly as odoriferous as skinbag is proclaiming it to be.
Skinbag then shoots us about the nastiest look she can muster--beyond cat-butt face into "You just crushed my puppy right in front of me and I WILL HAVE YOUR SOUL"--tosses the bag onto the floor, and stomps off.
Can I interest you in a hearing aid?
On my way back to the backroom from a break, I got flagged down by some other old woman. "I NEED HELP! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A CLERK FOR THIRTY MINUTES AND I CAN'T FIND ONE!"
Awesome. I'm in for it now! I ask the woman what she needs.
"I WANT THE BOUNTY SELECT-A-SIZE IN YOUR AD HERE. AND I CAN'T HEAR VERY WELL SO YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP."
Awesome. I get to give off the impression I'm berating some poor old lady for no apparent reason. And unfortunately, we did not have the particular paper towel she wanted. In fact, it was put on clearance some time ago and has since sold out. But yet it's mentioned in our ad flier as being on sale.
So I attempt to explain we do not have the 8-pack of Bounty Select-A-Size paper towels that were in the ad, we don't carry them anymore, no siree, other stores may still be carrying it but we do not any more. And I have to do this in a voice more raised than normal and possibly bordering on confrontational. And all of this is met with either of the following two responses:
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!", OR
"BUT I WANT THE SELECT-A-SIZE BOUNTY! IT'S IN YOUR AD!"
Finally a younger woman emerges, who turns out to be her daughter. Daughter tells mom "IF HE SAYS THE STORE DOESN'T HAVE THOSE PAPER TOWELS, THEN THEY DON'T HAVE THEM. YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY SOMETHING ELSE."
They select another variety of Bounty paper towels that are on sale, and leave to do more shopping and finally let me put my vocal cords to bed for a bit.
Bonus: Phones are amazing
You are Richard Simmons, electronics supervisor at the swamp. You are lazy. You are a waste of a human life. You shun customers as much as possible and wait for them top come to you to buy something without asking any questions, so you can sucker them into buying the extended protection plan. You refuse to put out your freight, so you delegate that job to your underlings or just leave it not done.
Your wear your pants so high, you will one day choke yourself to death with your own belt. And then we all will erect a statue to honor the belt.
Somebody has called you asking if we have any Playstation 3s in. You remember looking at the truck manifest earlier today and you noticed a couple Playstation 3s on it, but you're not sure if they really were on this truck, or if they were unloaded, or if they're sitting in one of your pallets of freight someplace.
How do you respond to this inquiry?
A.
Tell the customer that we do have Playstation 3s that just came in, but you're not sure if they're off the truck yet, and transfer the call to the freight supervisor or anybody else who unloaded the truck because they may know where the Playstation 3s are, or
B.
Tell the customer "Yeah, we have Playstation 3s, but we don't know where they are," tell the customer to call back and ask for the freight supervisor (thus forcing the customer to re-dial and wait on hold AGAIN until somebody can get to them), and hang up.
You get two guesses. First one doesn't count
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