Wherein men pleasure themselves to my image

[bunnyboy]

T
With Apologies to Alaska

I realize this line is technically open 24 hours but it still won’t stop me from thinking of you as a sad, lonely man, desperate for human companionship if you call me about siding for your house at 2am. There is absolutely no reason for you to be calling around for home renovations at this hour. None. New siding in a variety of designer styles and colours is not critically important in any way shape or form at this time of night. I do acknowledge that you live in Alaska, and as call centre history has established the north lands are a lonely, boring place where even things as simple as hats and pants induce levels of disturbing excitement.

However, you live in Anchorage. Anchorage! That is like the central hub of all civilization in the north ( Such as it is ). It is the shining beacon of humanity in a dark, frigid expanse where nature itself would love nothing else then to drag you off into the night in the jaws of a pack of hungry wolves. Only the massive stone walls of Fortress Anchorage protect your fragile life from the roving beasts and witches outside. Yet here you are, concerned about your siding? You fool!

Your life is in danger with each passing moment. You live under the constant threat of death, and bears, and death by bears. Yet you’re worried your siding isn’t a stylish enough? Do you not realize you live in the arctic Shangra La and every precious second your life continues to flicker in the dark up there is due solely to the mighty arctic castle within which you dwell? My god man, what are you thinking? You could die at any moment. Sure the mighty gates keep the wolves and bears out. For now. But what if they fail? What then? What then?

Do you really think new faux slate siding is going to save you from bears, cougars, murlocks, nazghoul, wyverns and whatever the fuck else is up there? I think not! They’ll peel that siding off like the freshness seal on a pudding pop. Forgot this foolishly! You need to get off the phone right this moment and go back to cowing under your bed, clutching a harpoon and trying to stay awake till the sun once again rises and offers blessed sanctuary.

If it ever rises again.

And when the sun does rise again, it will be the end of the third age of Anchorage...

O....kay...

SC: “I tried to download you yesterday but there was just a bunch of little people running around everywhere.”

Hold that thought while I back away slowly without breaking eye contact and try to find something sharp.

Don't do that, them replicants are way too fast.

I can now testify for the record that "fap" is indeed an accurate representation of the sounds involved.

Ok I need the bleach stat... this.. this is why you're here to inflict this on all of us!

SC: “I bought this yesterday an’ I’ve been workin’ on it alllll night. My neighbours think I’m stupid.”

No, I know this might be hard but, they KNOW, not think.

For God sakes, what is going on out there? Is it too much to ask for people to not call me when they're holding their penis?

Short answer... Y

Long answer... Yes.

[Becks]

Also, because I'm a complete bastard, I instructed my coworker to pull the call on our call logger and listen to it without giving him any real warning as to its contents.

And that's why I you.

Is it too much to ask for people to not call me when they're holding their penis?

Seeing as how I don't have a penis, if I called you, you wouldn't have to worry.

English side ruined. Must use French. Le grille? What the hell is that?

Ah, Simpsons quotes. I still haven't found a situation that they don't cover.

[Tama]

Hate to correct you, but it's Nazgul. And murloc. D:

/nerdy girl moment

[UncleImpy]

Also, because I'm a complete bastard, I instructed my coworker to pull the call on our call logger and listen to it without giving him any real warning as to its contents.

AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *SNORT* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm dying. Oh sweet hairy baby Jesus. I give up. You, sir, are awesome.

[depechemodefan]

I watched the Green Green Bear clip. Meh. I was expecting a car to get trashed with people in it.

[Ironclad Alibi]

Well, technically speaking, you can be mauled by a bear and not die. It seems to me that that would be very painful, very injurious, and definitely a threat without being a fatal one.

The opening scenes of Man In The Wildness show an attack like that. The rest of the movie is about his survival. The movie is based on the true story of Hugh Glass, who was mauled by a bear, left for dead, and took six weeks to travel 200 miles to Fort Kiowa. This happened in 1826.

Hate to correct you, but it's Nazgul. And murloc. D:

/nerdy girl moment

I was thinking he meant a morlock, but I looked up murloc, which appears in Warcraft.

[RetailWorkhorse]

I watched the Green Green Bear clip. Meh. I was expecting a car to get trashed with people in it.

I expected something worse, too.

And now I'm watching Green Green via youTube.