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It was an ordinary day. We were sent a Houseperson (someone who helps the housekeeping staff with their rooms, moves dirty linens to the loading docks, etc.), who had volunteered to work on their day off. They were from another department and had to be trained. I had shown her how to clean the showers, and was starting to explain what to do in the women's bathroom when I flung open one of the stall doors...and...
"So you take out the trash, sweep the floor, and...OH MY GOD" passed my lips unbidden.
It was...the size...of a hoagie. I'm not talking about one of those sad sandwiches you peel out of plastic wrap from the refrigerated section. It was at least nine inches long, and...and...five or six inches in circumference. And it was not amassed gradually...it was one solid turd. It lay lengthwise across the hole through which lesser human waste leaves our sight. It was truly terrifying. I knew immediately that it could not be destroyed, only unmade. I had no Mount Doom to hand...I flushed and flushed in vain...
I described the horrific sight to a coworker, who made snide comments as to the (ir)responsible individual's sexual practices, didn't believe me, and was of no help whatsoever. I begged the manager for advice, mutely hoping he would volunteer to vanquish this formidable excrement himself. He merely suggested an ice chipper and laughed mockingly.
I pulled out the ice chipper, adorned it in its own rubber glove, and donned two of my own. The rude coworker was now curious and he insisted on coming to view this abomination. He shuddered, turned, and gasped out "It's...un...GOD...lyyy..." and staggered back toward the office. I heard him later, his voice shaking, confiding "She wasn't...kidding..." to the manager...he may never recover...
Another coworker (she's been gunning for the same job description I have for weeks) followed me on my mission, though I warned her she didn't want to. I chopped at the Thing, thinking of the Council of Elrond and Gimli damaging his axe. It broke apart reluctantly, and it took three plungings to consign it to the underworld where it belonged.
I turned around with a hideous, drunken-Ford Prefect-like grin, looking at her through dead eyes, and intoned "So! You want to be an inspector too?" She shook her head and ran...
Thus was the beast vanquished, but like Beowulf's worst nightmare, it will surface again and again...hide your children, and for god's sake don't go to the bathroom in any national parks...
"So you take out the trash, sweep the floor, and...OH MY GOD" passed my lips unbidden.It was...the size...of a hoagie. I'm not talking about one of those sad sandwiches you peel out of plastic wrap from the refrigerated section. It was at least nine inches long, and...and...five or six inches in circumference. And it was not amassed gradually...it was one solid turd. It lay lengthwise across the hole through which lesser human waste leaves our sight. It was truly terrifying. I knew immediately that it could not be destroyed, only unmade. I had no Mount Doom to hand...I flushed and flushed in vain...
I described the horrific sight to a coworker, who made snide comments as to the (ir)responsible individual's sexual practices, didn't believe me, and was of no help whatsoever. I begged the manager for advice, mutely hoping he would volunteer to vanquish this formidable excrement himself. He merely suggested an ice chipper and laughed mockingly.
I pulled out the ice chipper, adorned it in its own rubber glove, and donned two of my own. The rude coworker was now curious and he insisted on coming to view this abomination. He shuddered, turned, and gasped out "It's...un...GOD...lyyy..." and staggered back toward the office. I heard him later, his voice shaking, confiding "She wasn't...kidding..." to the manager...he may never recover...
Another coworker (she's been gunning for the same job description I have for weeks) followed me on my mission, though I warned her she didn't want to. I chopped at the Thing, thinking of the Council of Elrond and Gimli damaging his axe. It broke apart reluctantly, and it took three plungings to consign it to the underworld where it belonged.
I turned around with a hideous, drunken-Ford Prefect-like grin, looking at her through dead eyes, and intoned "So! You want to be an inspector too?" She shook her head and ran...
Thus was the beast vanquished, but like Beowulf's worst nightmare, it will surface again and again...hide your children, and for god's sake don't go to the bathroom in any national parks...
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
... but it did 
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