So, as I said in my intro thread, I work for a major wireless service provider doing collections for small business accounts.
I don't really have any call stories right now but
[Frank Costanza]I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!![/Frank Costanza]
Problem 1. Why did you answer the phone?
subset a. You're super super busy and omg you just don't have time for this right now! That's unfortunate, but don't take it out on me! You could have let it go to voice mail. You could have taken our number so you could call us back. But you chose to take the call, so don't act like I forced you to do it.
And no, believe it or not, I have absolutely no intention of keeping you on the phone for an hour. We've got thousands of accounts to call on today. I personally average 250 calls per day. My average handle time is about 70 seconds. Now, bear in mind that's heavily skewed by the fact that a lot of people are smarter than you and let me just leave a voice mail instead and that takes 30 seconds or less (or your pizza's free!). But still, if you would quit your bellyaching and let me do my job, you can be off the phone and back to your super super business in 2 or 3 minutes, tops. I just want to know if there's a check in the mail, or if you'd like to make a payment or a payment arrangement. I'm not going to try to twist your arm and make you pay RIGHT NOW. I'm not going to threaten to sue you or send Big Vinnie to break your legs.
And please don't hang up in my face while I'm trying to thank you for your business and wish you a nice day. That's just rude.
subset b. You're standing on top of a roof with a power tool in one hand and the phone in the other.
WHY DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?! For fuck's sake, people, this is why God invented voice mail!
(and yes, "I'm standing on a roof" is a minor running joke on our team because we have gotten at least one call where someone said exactly that.)
Sadly, I've spoken to so many people who are talking to me while driving that I'm no longer surprised when I hear it. Voice mail, people!! Maybe this is just me being humble, but I kinda think I am less important than not getting into an accident!
Oh, and if you're "out in the field" (i.e., standing in a wind tunnel...) or "in the shop" (standing next to Super Duper Cruncho Machine 2000) or behind the counter with a line of customers, or in a meeting... do I have to say it one more time? VOICE MAIL!!!!! Just because the phone is ringing doesn't mean you have to answer it! Your serious lack of priorities is not my problem!
Problem 2. Shut up and let me talk!
I've got a whole freaking laundry list of things I have to say for quality before we can start talking money.
1. My name (first AND last)
2. I'm calling from The Phone Company
3. This call could be recorded for quality purposes
4. Get the customer's name (first and last preferred)
5. The account number and/or one of the wireless numbers
6. The full balance
7. The past due balance (not actually required, and in fact they advised us in training to NOT say it, start with the full balance and negotiate down, but in practice I have to specify that only part of the balance is past due and that that's the part I'm collecting for because frequently the current bill has just been sent and you haven't even seen it yet, and/or you're an idiot and are going to chew me out for "trying to make me pay something that's not even DUE yet!!1!one")
8. Attempt to collect, and
9. After we're done talking money I have to ask if you'd like to hear about our self-service payment options.
There, NOW I'm done yakkity yakking and you can talk as much as you want. And if you could keep your panties on it would only take 30 seconds!
But, no...
(The following is not a real call. This is an amalgam of crap I hear all the time.)
Me: Hi, my name is chickengirl, I'm with The Phone Company--
SC: What do you want?!
Me: I'm calling regarding the balance on the cell phone account for Company. Are you the person who makes the payments on that?
SC: What's this about?!
Me: I'm calling to speak to the person who pays the cell phone bill. Is that you?
SC: Yes! What do you want?
Me: Can I get your first and last name for my notes?
SC: You should know that already! Don't you know who you're calling?
Me: I'm calling regarding the cell phone account for Company. This is a business account, and it's under the billing name of Company. That's the only name I have on the account. (Note: Sometimes we do have a contact name. If we're lucky, the bill goes to that person's attention which means the name will pop up on the dialer screen with the billing address. We're not always lucky.)
SC: I'm Joe! I'm the owner!
Me: Can I get your last name?
SC: You don't need my last name! What do you want?
Me: I'm calling regarding a past due balance on the cell phone account. This--
SC: How much is it?!
Me: First I need to let you know this call could be recorded for quality purposes and give you the account number, 123456789. Right now--
SC: 123?! That's not my area code! I don't have any numbers with 123!
Me: That's the account number. One of the wireless numbers is 213-654-0978. Is that one of yours?
SC: That's not the MAIN number! The main number is 312-546-8709!
Me: I apologize. Our dialer just sorts them numerically and picks the top one off the list as a reference. (I WISH it would just reference the "main" number. It would save so much freaking hassle.) Right now the--
SC: Yeahyeahyeah, what's the balance?! I don't have time for this shit!
Me: Right now the full balance on the account is $658.92. The p--
SC: 600 dollars?! That's ridiculous! I don't owe no fucking 600 dollars! I just paid you guys last month!
Me: Sir, that's a two month balance. That includes a current and a past due. The p--
SC: How much is the past due?!
Me: The past due amount is $320.15.
SC: How the hell am I past due? I just paid you guys last month!
Me: I am showing that you paid $325.09 on [sometime last month]. The $320.15 was due [the week after that]. Do you know if that's been sent out yet?
SC: I sent it two days ago! It's in the mail!! Don't you idiots have anything better to do than call and harass me about this?!
Me: I apologize, I can note the account that that's been sent and as long as we get it within 10 days after [two days ago], you'll get no further collect--
SC: I said, it's IN THE MAIL!! You'll have it tomorrow!
Me: I've noted that on the account, sir. As long as we get it, you won't get any further calls from us. While I've got you, would you like to hear about any of our other payment options?
SC: I don't want any of your payment options!
Me: All right, then. Tha--
SC: *slams down phone*
Me: *fumes*
Now, here's how that conversation could have gone, if you weren't such a twatwaffle.
Me: Hi, my name is chickengirl, I'm with The Phone Company and this call could be recorded for quality purposes. Are you the person who makes the payments on the cell phone account for Company?
Nice Customer: Hello, chickengirl! Yes, I am.
Me: Can I get your first and last name for my notes?
NC: Betty Smith.
Me: Okay, I'm calling regarding account number 987654321, which contains cell phone number 980-546-3124. Right now the balance is $350.76, with a past due amount of $172.35. I'm calling to see if that payment has been sent out yet?
NC: Oh sure, just let me check... Oh, I'm so sorry, it's been sitting on my desk. I'll drop it in the mail tomorrow.
Me: No problem, I'll go ahead and note the account that that's going to be going out tomorrow, and that'll be for $172.35?
NC: Yep!
Me: Okay, and as long as we get that within 10 days after tomorrow, you'll get no further collection treatment on the account. While I've got you, would you like to hear about any of our other payment options?
NC: No, thanks.
Me: Okay, thank you for your time and your business!
NC: Thank you! *click*
Me: *typety-type, clickety-click, release account, go on to next call*
SEE, FOLKS, WAS THAT SO HARD?
Kay, sorry about that, I've been bottling this up for going on 2 years!
I'll save the rest for another time.
I don't really have any call stories right now but
[Frank Costanza]I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!![/Frank Costanza]
Problem 1. Why did you answer the phone?
subset a. You're super super busy and omg you just don't have time for this right now! That's unfortunate, but don't take it out on me! You could have let it go to voice mail. You could have taken our number so you could call us back. But you chose to take the call, so don't act like I forced you to do it.
And no, believe it or not, I have absolutely no intention of keeping you on the phone for an hour. We've got thousands of accounts to call on today. I personally average 250 calls per day. My average handle time is about 70 seconds. Now, bear in mind that's heavily skewed by the fact that a lot of people are smarter than you and let me just leave a voice mail instead and that takes 30 seconds or less (or your pizza's free!). But still, if you would quit your bellyaching and let me do my job, you can be off the phone and back to your super super business in 2 or 3 minutes, tops. I just want to know if there's a check in the mail, or if you'd like to make a payment or a payment arrangement. I'm not going to try to twist your arm and make you pay RIGHT NOW. I'm not going to threaten to sue you or send Big Vinnie to break your legs.
And please don't hang up in my face while I'm trying to thank you for your business and wish you a nice day. That's just rude.
subset b. You're standing on top of a roof with a power tool in one hand and the phone in the other.
WHY DID YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?! For fuck's sake, people, this is why God invented voice mail!
(and yes, "I'm standing on a roof" is a minor running joke on our team because we have gotten at least one call where someone said exactly that.)
Sadly, I've spoken to so many people who are talking to me while driving that I'm no longer surprised when I hear it. Voice mail, people!! Maybe this is just me being humble, but I kinda think I am less important than not getting into an accident!
Oh, and if you're "out in the field" (i.e., standing in a wind tunnel...) or "in the shop" (standing next to Super Duper Cruncho Machine 2000) or behind the counter with a line of customers, or in a meeting... do I have to say it one more time? VOICE MAIL!!!!! Just because the phone is ringing doesn't mean you have to answer it! Your serious lack of priorities is not my problem!
Problem 2. Shut up and let me talk!
I've got a whole freaking laundry list of things I have to say for quality before we can start talking money.
1. My name (first AND last)
2. I'm calling from The Phone Company
3. This call could be recorded for quality purposes
4. Get the customer's name (first and last preferred)
5. The account number and/or one of the wireless numbers
6. The full balance
7. The past due balance (not actually required, and in fact they advised us in training to NOT say it, start with the full balance and negotiate down, but in practice I have to specify that only part of the balance is past due and that that's the part I'm collecting for because frequently the current bill has just been sent and you haven't even seen it yet, and/or you're an idiot and are going to chew me out for "trying to make me pay something that's not even DUE yet!!1!one")
8. Attempt to collect, and
9. After we're done talking money I have to ask if you'd like to hear about our self-service payment options.
There, NOW I'm done yakkity yakking and you can talk as much as you want. And if you could keep your panties on it would only take 30 seconds!
But, no...
(The following is not a real call. This is an amalgam of crap I hear all the time.)
Me: Hi, my name is chickengirl, I'm with The Phone Company--
SC: What do you want?!
Me: I'm calling regarding the balance on the cell phone account for Company. Are you the person who makes the payments on that?
SC: What's this about?!
Me: I'm calling to speak to the person who pays the cell phone bill. Is that you?
SC: Yes! What do you want?
Me: Can I get your first and last name for my notes?
SC: You should know that already! Don't you know who you're calling?
Me: I'm calling regarding the cell phone account for Company. This is a business account, and it's under the billing name of Company. That's the only name I have on the account. (Note: Sometimes we do have a contact name. If we're lucky, the bill goes to that person's attention which means the name will pop up on the dialer screen with the billing address. We're not always lucky.)
SC: I'm Joe! I'm the owner!
Me: Can I get your last name?
SC: You don't need my last name! What do you want?
Me: I'm calling regarding a past due balance on the cell phone account. This--
SC: How much is it?!
Me: First I need to let you know this call could be recorded for quality purposes and give you the account number, 123456789. Right now--
SC: 123?! That's not my area code! I don't have any numbers with 123!
Me: That's the account number. One of the wireless numbers is 213-654-0978. Is that one of yours?
SC: That's not the MAIN number! The main number is 312-546-8709!
Me: I apologize. Our dialer just sorts them numerically and picks the top one off the list as a reference. (I WISH it would just reference the "main" number. It would save so much freaking hassle.) Right now the--
SC: Yeahyeahyeah, what's the balance?! I don't have time for this shit!
Me: Right now the full balance on the account is $658.92. The p--
SC: 600 dollars?! That's ridiculous! I don't owe no fucking 600 dollars! I just paid you guys last month!
Me: Sir, that's a two month balance. That includes a current and a past due. The p--
SC: How much is the past due?!
Me: The past due amount is $320.15.
SC: How the hell am I past due? I just paid you guys last month!
Me: I am showing that you paid $325.09 on [sometime last month]. The $320.15 was due [the week after that]. Do you know if that's been sent out yet?
SC: I sent it two days ago! It's in the mail!! Don't you idiots have anything better to do than call and harass me about this?!
Me: I apologize, I can note the account that that's been sent and as long as we get it within 10 days after [two days ago], you'll get no further collect--
SC: I said, it's IN THE MAIL!! You'll have it tomorrow!
Me: I've noted that on the account, sir. As long as we get it, you won't get any further calls from us. While I've got you, would you like to hear about any of our other payment options?
SC: I don't want any of your payment options!
Me: All right, then. Tha--
SC: *slams down phone*
Me: *fumes*
Now, here's how that conversation could have gone, if you weren't such a twatwaffle.
Me: Hi, my name is chickengirl, I'm with The Phone Company and this call could be recorded for quality purposes. Are you the person who makes the payments on the cell phone account for Company?
Nice Customer: Hello, chickengirl! Yes, I am.
Me: Can I get your first and last name for my notes?
NC: Betty Smith.
Me: Okay, I'm calling regarding account number 987654321, which contains cell phone number 980-546-3124. Right now the balance is $350.76, with a past due amount of $172.35. I'm calling to see if that payment has been sent out yet?
NC: Oh sure, just let me check... Oh, I'm so sorry, it's been sitting on my desk. I'll drop it in the mail tomorrow.
Me: No problem, I'll go ahead and note the account that that's going to be going out tomorrow, and that'll be for $172.35?
NC: Yep!
Me: Okay, and as long as we get that within 10 days after tomorrow, you'll get no further collection treatment on the account. While I've got you, would you like to hear about any of our other payment options?
NC: No, thanks.
Me: Okay, thank you for your time and your business!
NC: Thank you! *click*
Me: *typety-type, clickety-click, release account, go on to next call*
SEE, FOLKS, WAS THAT SO HARD?
Kay, sorry about that, I've been bottling this up for going on 2 years!
I'll save the rest for another time.
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