Telekinetic Jesus

[Moirae]

rofl. Oh man, I'm at work and having a hard time not bursting out laughing. I work a call center. Holy crap, I can relate.

[Jester]

I don't know if it's the birthday hangover or not, but this post made me laugh harder than almost any other that you have posted. Seriously, dude, right on. Even if it was the hangover making me think it was funnier than it was, I'll give you the credit.

Ugh, lord.... -.-

Yes?

I’m quite partial to Bonnie Tyler and Heart, myself.

Heart being my favorite band, I approve.

Than, using their diplomatic immunity, I will have them fly around North America beating people with rods at my request.

I have a few people I would like your representatives to have diplomatic "relations" with.....

Much as I love screwing with your head, I do have one question to put forward: 1986? You sound somewhat younger than I am and I was 6 in 1986.

Voices can often be deceptive, making someone sound far different than they are, in many ways. People will often sound younger or older than they are, or of a completely different gender. I know that if you get me on the phone when I have just woken up my voice is so gravelly that I sound either 80something or near death. (Of course, if you call me early in the morning, YOU may be close to death as well....)

As I used to DJ in college, many people would hear me before they met me. As I have a rather deep voice, I would occasionally get someone saying, "You sounded....taller." To be fair, my voice does not really match my appearance. I have long had a theory that I have someone else's voice, and that somewhere, probably in California, there is a tall, good-looking, muscular lifeguard (probably named Todd) who girls drool over....until he opens his mouth and this high-pitched wimpy squeak comes out of it. And all the other lifeguards laugh at him for it. Sorry, Todd, I have your voice. And I'm not giving it back, as I've grown rather attached to it. So fuck off, Todd. I don't like you anyway.

SC: “They wanna charge President Bush with war crimes and I can’t let that happen!”

I’m sure former president Bush and the war crime charges he’s not actually being brought up on will appreciate your support, Vick.

I am about to say something that I never thought I would ever say. Ever. Before I do, I need to brace myself. My hangover isn't helping with that. Shit, before I actually type this out, I am going to need to get myself a beer. Be right back.....






Okay, my roommate is an idiot. Who loads the dishwasher, locks it....and then doesn't run it? Either she did that, or she ran it without actually de-gunking some of the dirty dishes. I know this because I went in to the dishwasher to get a proper pint glass for my beer. The pint glass is clean, so I am going to assume she is just really lazy with dishes (no shocking news there), but since these are mostly my dishes, this irritates me.

In any case, for this particular statement, I had to get a Serious Beer. No Bud or Coors. Hell, those almost never enter my house. But even with the variety of cold frosty ones I have in my fridge, for this I had to go straight to the top. A Samuel Smith's Nut Brown Ale. Very expensive, so I don't drink them often, but so....damn.....good. Truly one of the best beers one can have. Excuse me while I lovingly enjoy the first sip....at a quarter to two in the afternoon.

Aaaaaahhhh.........blessed is beer. And more blessed is Samuel Smith's.

Now, where was I? Oh yes. A statement I never thought I would utter, say, type, mutter, write, suggest, or even THINK about.


This caller is not completely nuts.


Wow, that was tough to say. But seriously, they aren't that far out on a limb for saying this. Some very rational minds have suggested bringing up Bush the Younger on war crimes charges. Hell, Vincent Bugliosi actually wrote a book detailing how and why Mr. Bush should be charged with murder after he left the Presidency.

So while I have no doubt that this caller is a complete whack job, in this case, they are not that screwy. As they say, even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut.

Payment Options

Afflictions

YES!

Easily some of the funniest shit you have EVER written, hangover or not.

YES. FOR THE LOVE OF COCKRINGS AND POPCORN CHICKEN I AM STILL HERE.

Pure. Fucking. Genius.

SC: “But the fact that Stephen Harper is related to a herd of goat fuckers cannot be proven or disproven-“

Your caller is incorrect. While a negative is almost impossible to prove, it could be proven that Mr. Harper is related to goat fuckers, if in fact he is. All one would need would be some kind of evidence that the people in question are both related to Mr. Harper and do, in fact, fuck goats. Birth records could accomplish the first. Video evidence would probably be needed for the second, as sworn testimony to such things just don't carry that much weight with the public in such matters.

Now, whether or not this could be proven has really no bearing, as what one's relatives are has no bearing on how that person themselves are. The fact that my older sister is the Empress of All Bitches does not change the fact that, for the most part, I am a Really Nice Guy. So even if some of your PM's family members do enjoy the occasional goat boink, this in no way would relate to his effectiveness as a leader.

This...this...THIS is the reason my husband stopped breathing when I read him this post!!! I had expected to hear him laugh, but heard NOTHING! I looked up to see if he had missed something only to find him soundlessly and helplessly shaking with his head tilted awkwardly on the back of the sofa!

Congratulations, GK. You were THIS close to killing a man through asphyxiation without actually being in the room with him. This feat would certainly change forensic science as we know it.

Also now I HAVE to see Jamie in a pink camo beret.

Then you are going to have to go to Photo Shop or some similar program. Because for the life of me, I cannot see Jamie voluntarily donning a pink camo beret. Adam, sure. There is not much I can't picture HIM doing. But Jamie? No way, no chance, no how.

we have both $1 and they still do make $2 bills but nobody really uses them except to piss of cashiers.

I $2 bills. They're snazztacular.

I myself have an odd obsession with $2 bills. I collect them. Not in the usual sense of collection, though. I don't frame them, I don't try to keep them in good shape, and I don't seek them out. If and when someone tips me one or more of them, I keep them. If they pay with them, I change them out from my tips and keep them. In my wallet. Why? I have no idea. But I have been doing this for years, and am currently at my highest level ever, having 30 of them in my wallet. Yeah, it's odd, but I never claimed to be anything but. And I ALWAYS have emergency cash on me. Right now I have $60 emergency cash in my wallet ready to go at a moment's notice! The only reason I don't have more twos is because I have, on occasion, been forced to spend them. The last time was in 2006 when I was coming back from a road trip to Canton, Ohio. (Football Hall of Fame. John Madden was being inducted. I wasn't missing it.) On my way down the Florida Turnpike, I got one of those tickets they give you that you pay either when you exit or at the point where they start doing tollbooths instead. I didn't think ahead, and had very little cash on me, and hadn't hit an ATM, so I was forced to pay with several of my beloved deuces. I was a sad, sad Jester.

Since then, my collection has grown to new heights, as I said. Amusingly, one of my friends who used to work at The Bar with me told me one day that they previous day, someone had paid their tab with 15 twos, and my friend immediately thought of me.

I actually have a couple of Canadian $1 and $2 notes, vintage about 1976, in an envelope in my mom's strongbox. Wonder if they're worth anything.

At a guess, I would say they'd be worth one or two dollars each.

Forget the burning, how are you supposed to write the prayer? It would have to be a very short one....

Or written REALLY small!





Okay, enough rambling. Samuel Smith is feeling neglected......

[tollbaby]

I don't know if it's the birthday hangover or not,

Glad you survived, mate, we missed you

[Magpie]

I have long had a theory that I have someone else's voice, and that somewhere, probably in California, there is a tall, good-looking, muscular lifeguard (probably named Todd) who girls drool over....until he opens his mouth and this high-pitched wimpy squeak comes out of it.

He lives in Ontario, and his name's not Todd. Nor is he a lifeguard. He's a PhD student who has been told that speaking as high as he does when he's teaching is really disconcerting, and people take him less seriously because of this (official feedback from the certificate in university teaching people). His wife reminds him every so often that his sister can probably help with that, what with her training in Vocal Ped., and he should get voice lessons from her or from a speech therapist.

Then you are going to have to go to Photo Shop or some similar program. Because for the life of me, I cannot see Jamie voluntarily donning a pink camo beret. Adam, sure. There is not much I can't picture HIM doing. But Jamie? No way, no chance, no how.

That's because Adam is the one with the contract that says "be an idiot on camera" and Jamie is the one who wrote said contract, with the express purpose of not having to be entertaining.

[Jester]

Glad you survived, mate, we missed you

Work on your aim.

He lives in Ontario, and his name's not Todd. Nor is he a lifeguard. He's a PhD student who has been told that speaking as high as he does when he's teaching is really disconcerting, and people take him less seriously because of this (official feedback from the certificate in university teaching people).

I take it you know this person?

And I still maintain that some buff lifeguard in Cali has my voice, and I his. This PhD student of yours probably got his voice switched with someone else.

That's because Adam is the one with the contract that says "be an idiot on camera" and Jamie is the one who wrote said contract, with the express purpose of not having to be entertaining.

I find him very entertaining, actually.

[Magpie]

My husband actually does have a reasonable bass range, he just always uses his tenor. He's 195/92 kilos, dark hair and beard. I think he does it just to seem less intense and intimidating, which is good at his size, but...

[JustaCashier]

I worked with a guy whose normal speaking voice is hard to describe, but a bit on on the higher pitched side, and kind of droning.

He was average height and build, 5'-7" or 5'-8" maybe. Balding, with what hair he had dark. Maybe late '30's-early '40's. Nice enough guy, but I could sometimes find his voice a bit grating.

This one time, he had laryngitis. However, he discovered that if he forced a high-pitched, Mickey Mouse type voice, he could communicate above a whisper, or a rasp.

Part of me wanted to and another wanted to because personally, I think I'd rather put up with the hassle of having to get people to understand me if I spoke with a whisper and/or rasp, than intenionally walking around and talking like Mickey!

Mike

[Gravekeeper]

Now, where was I? Oh yes. A statement I never thought I would utter, say, type, mutter, write, suggest, or even THINK about.

I was trying to remain politically neutral and not get Fratching'd <cough>. Although, I think Vick may actually think Bush is still president....

[Jester]

I was trying to remain politically neutral and not get Fratching'd <cough>. Although, I think Vick may actually think Bush is still president....

I remained neutral in my above comments. I was not taking a stand on whether or not any of this was warranted, just that better minds than Vick's have come to the conclusion that it is. I was reporting facts, not opining. Therefore, not fratching territory. (I was a journalism major at one point, ya know.)