Tweet
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Ugh >.>
A Terrifying Glimpse
Me: “Hmm, I’m afraid that item number doesn’t come up. What’s the name of the item?”
SC: “Al….Al-le….Ale-bra…hoodie?”
Me: “…Alebra?”
SC: “Al….Ali.....Alga......Algebra Hoodie?”
…..really? You couldn’t figure out how to read the word “Algebra?”. It’s like every single thing I’ve ever suspected about callers on this line rolled into a single glorious moment. Not only can you not read properly, but you don’t recognize the word algebra. Thus revealing terrifying clues about not one but two failures in your education. What exactly is going on up there? Isn’t some sort of education mandatory? Do you not have schools? Or at least CBC Kids?
I could understand if perhaps, say, fancy book learnin’ just wasn’t practical for surviving the cruel arctic landscape. So instead you focused on honing your hunting and survival skills so that you might live proud and free off of the very land itself. However, most of you sound like your very lives would be endangered trying to tie your shoelaces. In fact I am almost *awed by your sheer resilience to nature’s cruel indifference. How has natural selection not claimed the lot of you in its unfeeling jaws?
Have you ever seen those old nature documentaries on Booby birds trying to take off and land? Where they just plow into the ground or stumble around like drunken frat boys in slow motion to amused orchestral music while a British narrator makes sarcastic remarks? Then you sit there and wonder how in the heck this species managed to survive so long?
You are that bird.
Billing
I have a proposition for accounts receivable: I suggest that we begin charging for the verbal lashings our employees endure on behalf of our clients. In fact, this should be charged per minute. For every minute an operator endures the spittle of one of your customers berating us or ranting at length despite knowing full well that we have absolutely nothing to do with their problem, the client should be charged a flat rate. Say $3.99 / Minute?
It seems fair enough. I mean normally when someone is taking it up the ass verbally over a phone, someone's being charged per minute. Only difference in this case is no one's going to walk away sticky.
Desperation
Me: “Good evening, <company>. Can I help you?”
SC: “No, I just want to talk to someone!”
Me: “Than you’ll have to call somewhere else.”
SC: “No, wait, don’t hang up!”
Me: "Bye bye"
SC: "Nooooo-<click>"
I’M SO LONELY. OH GOD.
Please, Continue
C: “I’m really really sorry and thank you so much!”
Much as your subhuman groveling pleases my dark heart and encourages me to preen while I bask in your gutless servitude..…you should probably save it for the maintenance guy. Who is the one that actually has to get out of bed and drive down there to let your sorry key losing arse back into their suite. I am merely the messenger which informs him of his unenviable task.
Priorities
Sometimes I really wish callers would just be up front and outright state “I am calling because I irrationally believe you can perform a miracle on my behalf”. It would make things so much easier as I could just flat out tell them right there that I do not possess any sort of supernatural power nor sway over the laws of man and nature. Allow me to demonstrate.
This caller has a rather odd request. Specifically, she wishes to know to know “what port is closest to the airport”. Notice this is an unusual, and rather difficult question to begin with, but it is confounded by a series of astounding informational voids:
1) She did not book a trip through this travel agency.
2) She isn’t even on a cruise ship to begin with. She’s on a sailboat.
3) She does not know where she currently is.
4) She doesn't know where the fuck she currently is!
5) She cannot even give me a rough idea such as what time zone or hemisphere.
6) Or indeed any information that might allow me to pinpoint her location in any way shape or form.
7) She cannot even name the city or country whose port she is trying to reach. She has forgotten because it was difficult to pronounce.
Now normally when one is in a situation where they are on a sailboat and have absolutely no fucking idea where they are, they should be calling say the Coast Guard first and/or activating their distress beacon. But no, her first priority is to call ahead to where she hopes she’s going to make sure she can get the shortest taxi ride to the airport.
Sigh
Me: “Sorry, was that E as in Edward or B as in Boy?”
SC: “No, C, as in Cunt!”
Me: “…….”
SC: “Eehehe!”
Right-o, let’s see, where’s my list….ah ha. So now I can safely add “Maturity” to the list of qualities grossly absent from my callers on this line. In addition to intelligence, reason, critical thinking, manners, respect, patience, education, literacy, math skills, fashion sense, money sense, hygiene and opposable thumbs.
Always good to keep my information up to date.
Protip
Just a quick little observation: If you’ve been calling so often about noise complaints that you not only recognize my voice, but you know me by my first name. Then maybe the problem isn’t your building or your neighbours. Maybe it’s just you. See, you call so often that I know your voice and name as well. That’s how often you’ve called to complain about noise. I’m beginning to suspect that noise is not the issue you here. The issue is that you are a cankerous, grumpy old asshole whose only remaining pleasure in life is stamping out joy and spreading unhappiness to others like you’re patient zero of some sort of misery plague.
Magic Box
SC: “PARDON?! ASKJ PHIL?!?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Always good when the first thing they say is just an unintelligible stream of raw stupidity yelled at the top of their lungs.
SC: “MY NAME IS A-MAN-DA!”
Me: “…alright, what can I do for you?”
Hello, A, Man, Da. Are you wearing your helmet, today? Good girl.
SC: “LAST MONTH I ORDERED A JACKET BUT IT HASN’T GOTTEN HERE YET”
Me: “Alright, I’m afraid customer service is not in this early-”
SC: “I WAITED ONE MONTH FOR MY JACKET WHEN I ORDERED”
Me: “You’ll have to speak with customer service, but I’m afraid they are not in yet this morning-”
SC: “I WAITED, I WAITED!!....YOU NOT GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE!”
YOU BAD SERVICE! NO JACKET GIVE! JACKET WAS BE HERE MANY MOON AGO! NO HERE! BAD!
TICKLE, AMY! TICKLE, AMY!
Me: “I’m afraid they’re just not in this early on Sun-“
SC: “YOU WORKING FOR <COMPANY?!”
Me: “I’m their afterhours order desk”
SC: “WELL THAN YOU KNOW SOMETHING!”
YOU KEEP IT SEKRET! YOU SAY NOT TRUE THINGS!
AMY, HIT WITH STICK.
Me: “I can’t access an order that was placed a month ago-“
SC: “YOU HAVE COMPUTAR!?”
Me: “.....Yes.”
SC: “CHECK AMY'S NAME!”
Me: “I can’t check an on order that already went through-“
SC: “WHY NOT?! YOU HAVE COMPUTAR!”
I realize that modern technology may appear to be made of pure magic from the perspective of one such as yourself. However, I assure you it is still merely a machine and it must still abide by the rules of time and space. If sitting at a keyboard truly gave me limitless power to wield as I chose you would have just burst into flames and been reduced to a pile of ash, two slippers and a stained purple moo-moo the moment you touched the phone. In fact that would probably be the only thing I would do with it. I wouldn’t use it for world domination or any such nonsense. I’d just use it as a passive-aggressive form of combustion based vengeance for every transgression ever committed upon me over a phone line.
Me: "I'm afraid the main office has a separate system. I do not have access to it as they are closed right now. It is 3am locally-"
SC: "BUT YOU HAVE COMPUTAR!!!!!!"
YOU HAVE COMPUTAR. GIVE AMY JACKET! AMY, GOOD GORILLA.
Gah!
( I ended up hanging up on her before -.- )
SC: “HELLO?!”
…Hello again.
SC: “I WAN MAKE AN ORDER!!!”
Voice in background: “Don’t be an idiot!”
Hahaha, well at least someone there has a good handle on the situation.
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “AMANDA!”
Voice in background: “Stop it, don’t be an idiot!”
It’s like my subconscious is actually yelling in the background. This is a great idea, actually. I need someone in the background of all of my calls yelling the obvious at the caller.
Me: "And which catalog would you like to order from?"
SC: "UHHH......WAIT."
Believe me, I await every screeched word from your spittle dripping maw with baited breath.
SC: "IT WINTER 2010"
Me: ".....I'm sorry, Winter *2010*?"
SC: "YA"
Me: "....are you sure? I'm afraid there is no 2010 Winter catalog yet."
SC: "IT WINTER 2010"
Me: "But there is no such catalog-"
SC: "IT SAY WINTER ON IT"
Voice In Background: "Stop bein' a fuckin idiot!"
Me: "...yes, but we haven't issued a Winter catalog for this year yet"
SC: "WHYNOT?!"
Me: "...because it's summer..."
SC: "IT WINTER CATALOG FER 2010"
Me: "That catalog doesn't exist yet."
SC: "WHY"
Voice In Background: "Stop it!"
This is rapidly becoming the most dysfunctional call I have ever had the misfortune of taking part in.
Me: "Can you tell me the catalog number on the back?"
SC: "UH......xxxxx"
Me: "Alright, that's 2009."
SC: "OH."
Voice In Background: "You idiot!"
Thank you, Voice In Background. For expressing what I dare not say. Mostly due to retaining my employment. Although at this point I think management would forgive me.
And yes, she is ordering the exact same jacket again. Obviously.
Me: "Alright, will that be by credit card or COD?"
SC: "DID YOU FIND MA ORDER?!?"
Me: "I'm sorry?"
SC: "IN THE COMPUTAR!!!!!! YOU CAN MAKE ODER SO WHY CAN'T YOU FIND?!"
Holy shit woman, let it go.
No Good Deed
To prefix: This is a line to sign up for some silly workshop or some such. You call, sign up, buy your ticket, go on your merry way. But we can only sign up one guest per call due to call volume and call duration limit reasons. IE this is one of those lines where the client has a call duration they want us to stay under.
So I get this call from an older woman, very nice and polite. She wants to sign up both herself and her husband. Normally I can only do one at a time, and I tell her that, but because it's her husband, I offer to register them both for her. Because, as its her husband, they have the same address, phone number, billing information etc so its no problem to just copy pasta a second registration form and still stay under my call duration limits. Note that I clearly inform her of these limitations and why I can surpass them on her behalf. Mainly, I am going out of my way for her because she is being nice, polite and generally a good customer all around.
And then.....this happens:
Me: "Good evening, <company>, how many I help you?"
SC: "Ya, I wanna register for the workshop."
All is seemingly well at first. I get all her info, payment info, etc and am finishing up the call....
Me: "Alright, you're signed up and on the guest list now. Thank you for calling, and you should receive a confirmation via email of your registration."
SC: "Wait, I wanna register my husband's buddy too"
Me: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I can only process one guest per call. Can you ask him to call himself to register? We'll need his billing information s-"
SC: "WHAT?! BUT YOU JUST LET MY MOM DO IT!!! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!!"
I will admit it took every ounce of my willpower to not blurt out "Were you adopted?".
Because it seems the apple has not only fallen far from the tree, but rolled down a hill across three lanes of traffic into a sewer drain, floated down a murky river of waste and offal before being washed out to sea where it was carried by the currents for a fortnight before washing up on the desolate shores of North Cuntasia.
annnnnd rest.....there's yet more but I am tired and weak. >.>
A Terrifying Glimpse
Me: “Hmm, I’m afraid that item number doesn’t come up. What’s the name of the item?”
SC: “Al….Al-le….Ale-bra…hoodie?”
Me: “…Alebra?”
SC: “Al….Ali.....Alga......Algebra Hoodie?”
…..really? You couldn’t figure out how to read the word “Algebra?”. It’s like every single thing I’ve ever suspected about callers on this line rolled into a single glorious moment. Not only can you not read properly, but you don’t recognize the word algebra. Thus revealing terrifying clues about not one but two failures in your education. What exactly is going on up there? Isn’t some sort of education mandatory? Do you not have schools? Or at least CBC Kids?
I could understand if perhaps, say, fancy book learnin’ just wasn’t practical for surviving the cruel arctic landscape. So instead you focused on honing your hunting and survival skills so that you might live proud and free off of the very land itself. However, most of you sound like your very lives would be endangered trying to tie your shoelaces. In fact I am almost *awed by your sheer resilience to nature’s cruel indifference. How has natural selection not claimed the lot of you in its unfeeling jaws?
Have you ever seen those old nature documentaries on Booby birds trying to take off and land? Where they just plow into the ground or stumble around like drunken frat boys in slow motion to amused orchestral music while a British narrator makes sarcastic remarks? Then you sit there and wonder how in the heck this species managed to survive so long?
You are that bird.
Billing
I have a proposition for accounts receivable: I suggest that we begin charging for the verbal lashings our employees endure on behalf of our clients. In fact, this should be charged per minute. For every minute an operator endures the spittle of one of your customers berating us or ranting at length despite knowing full well that we have absolutely nothing to do with their problem, the client should be charged a flat rate. Say $3.99 / Minute?
It seems fair enough. I mean normally when someone is taking it up the ass verbally over a phone, someone's being charged per minute. Only difference in this case is no one's going to walk away sticky.
Desperation
Me: “Good evening, <company>. Can I help you?”
SC: “No, I just want to talk to someone!”
Me: “Than you’ll have to call somewhere else.”
SC: “No, wait, don’t hang up!”
Me: "Bye bye"
SC: "Nooooo-<click>"
I’M SO LONELY. OH GOD.
Please, Continue
C: “I’m really really sorry and thank you so much!”
Much as your subhuman groveling pleases my dark heart and encourages me to preen while I bask in your gutless servitude..…you should probably save it for the maintenance guy. Who is the one that actually has to get out of bed and drive down there to let your sorry key losing arse back into their suite. I am merely the messenger which informs him of his unenviable task.
Priorities
Sometimes I really wish callers would just be up front and outright state “I am calling because I irrationally believe you can perform a miracle on my behalf”. It would make things so much easier as I could just flat out tell them right there that I do not possess any sort of supernatural power nor sway over the laws of man and nature. Allow me to demonstrate.
This caller has a rather odd request. Specifically, she wishes to know to know “what port is closest to the airport”. Notice this is an unusual, and rather difficult question to begin with, but it is confounded by a series of astounding informational voids:
1) She did not book a trip through this travel agency.
2) She isn’t even on a cruise ship to begin with. She’s on a sailboat.
3) She does not know where she currently is.
4) She doesn't know where the fuck she currently is!
5) She cannot even give me a rough idea such as what time zone or hemisphere.
6) Or indeed any information that might allow me to pinpoint her location in any way shape or form.
7) She cannot even name the city or country whose port she is trying to reach. She has forgotten because it was difficult to pronounce.
Now normally when one is in a situation where they are on a sailboat and have absolutely no fucking idea where they are, they should be calling say the Coast Guard first and/or activating their distress beacon. But no, her first priority is to call ahead to where she hopes she’s going to make sure she can get the shortest taxi ride to the airport.
Sigh
Me: “Sorry, was that E as in Edward or B as in Boy?”
SC: “No, C, as in Cunt!”
Me: “…….”
SC: “Eehehe!”
Right-o, let’s see, where’s my list….ah ha. So now I can safely add “Maturity” to the list of qualities grossly absent from my callers on this line. In addition to intelligence, reason, critical thinking, manners, respect, patience, education, literacy, math skills, fashion sense, money sense, hygiene and opposable thumbs.
Always good to keep my information up to date.
Protip
Just a quick little observation: If you’ve been calling so often about noise complaints that you not only recognize my voice, but you know me by my first name. Then maybe the problem isn’t your building or your neighbours. Maybe it’s just you. See, you call so often that I know your voice and name as well. That’s how often you’ve called to complain about noise. I’m beginning to suspect that noise is not the issue you here. The issue is that you are a cankerous, grumpy old asshole whose only remaining pleasure in life is stamping out joy and spreading unhappiness to others like you’re patient zero of some sort of misery plague.
Magic Box
SC: “PARDON?! ASKJ PHIL?!?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Always good when the first thing they say is just an unintelligible stream of raw stupidity yelled at the top of their lungs.
SC: “MY NAME IS A-MAN-DA!”
Me: “…alright, what can I do for you?”
Hello, A, Man, Da. Are you wearing your helmet, today? Good girl.
SC: “LAST MONTH I ORDERED A JACKET BUT IT HASN’T GOTTEN HERE YET”
Me: “Alright, I’m afraid customer service is not in this early-”
SC: “I WAITED ONE MONTH FOR MY JACKET WHEN I ORDERED”
Me: “You’ll have to speak with customer service, but I’m afraid they are not in yet this morning-”
SC: “I WAITED, I WAITED!!....YOU NOT GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE!”
YOU BAD SERVICE! NO JACKET GIVE! JACKET WAS BE HERE MANY MOON AGO! NO HERE! BAD!
TICKLE, AMY! TICKLE, AMY!
Me: “I’m afraid they’re just not in this early on Sun-“
SC: “YOU WORKING FOR <COMPANY?!”
Me: “I’m their afterhours order desk”
SC: “WELL THAN YOU KNOW SOMETHING!”
YOU KEEP IT SEKRET! YOU SAY NOT TRUE THINGS!
AMY, HIT WITH STICK.
Me: “I can’t access an order that was placed a month ago-“
SC: “YOU HAVE COMPUTAR!?”
Me: “.....Yes.”
SC: “CHECK AMY'S NAME!”
Me: “I can’t check an on order that already went through-“
SC: “WHY NOT?! YOU HAVE COMPUTAR!”
I realize that modern technology may appear to be made of pure magic from the perspective of one such as yourself. However, I assure you it is still merely a machine and it must still abide by the rules of time and space. If sitting at a keyboard truly gave me limitless power to wield as I chose you would have just burst into flames and been reduced to a pile of ash, two slippers and a stained purple moo-moo the moment you touched the phone. In fact that would probably be the only thing I would do with it. I wouldn’t use it for world domination or any such nonsense. I’d just use it as a passive-aggressive form of combustion based vengeance for every transgression ever committed upon me over a phone line.
Me: "I'm afraid the main office has a separate system. I do not have access to it as they are closed right now. It is 3am locally-"
SC: "BUT YOU HAVE COMPUTAR!!!!!!"
YOU HAVE COMPUTAR. GIVE AMY JACKET! AMY, GOOD GORILLA.
Gah!
( I ended up hanging up on her before -.- )
SC: “HELLO?!”
…Hello again.
SC: “I WAN MAKE AN ORDER!!!”
Voice in background: “Don’t be an idiot!”
Hahaha, well at least someone there has a good handle on the situation.
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “AMANDA!”
Voice in background: “Stop it, don’t be an idiot!”
It’s like my subconscious is actually yelling in the background. This is a great idea, actually. I need someone in the background of all of my calls yelling the obvious at the caller.
Me: "And which catalog would you like to order from?"
SC: "UHHH......WAIT."
Believe me, I await every screeched word from your spittle dripping maw with baited breath.
SC: "IT WINTER 2010"
Me: ".....I'm sorry, Winter *2010*?"
SC: "YA"
Me: "....are you sure? I'm afraid there is no 2010 Winter catalog yet."
SC: "IT WINTER 2010"
Me: "But there is no such catalog-"
SC: "IT SAY WINTER ON IT"
Voice In Background: "Stop bein' a fuckin idiot!"
Me: "...yes, but we haven't issued a Winter catalog for this year yet"
SC: "WHYNOT?!"
Me: "...because it's summer..."
SC: "IT WINTER CATALOG FER 2010"
Me: "That catalog doesn't exist yet."
SC: "WHY"
Voice In Background: "Stop it!"
This is rapidly becoming the most dysfunctional call I have ever had the misfortune of taking part in.
Me: "Can you tell me the catalog number on the back?"
SC: "UH......xxxxx"
Me: "Alright, that's 2009."
SC: "OH."
Voice In Background: "You idiot!"
Thank you, Voice In Background. For expressing what I dare not say. Mostly due to retaining my employment. Although at this point I think management would forgive me.
And yes, she is ordering the exact same jacket again. Obviously.
Me: "Alright, will that be by credit card or COD?"
SC: "DID YOU FIND MA ORDER?!?"
Me: "I'm sorry?"
SC: "IN THE COMPUTAR!!!!!! YOU CAN MAKE ODER SO WHY CAN'T YOU FIND?!"
Holy shit woman, let it go.
No Good Deed
To prefix: This is a line to sign up for some silly workshop or some such. You call, sign up, buy your ticket, go on your merry way. But we can only sign up one guest per call due to call volume and call duration limit reasons. IE this is one of those lines where the client has a call duration they want us to stay under.
So I get this call from an older woman, very nice and polite. She wants to sign up both herself and her husband. Normally I can only do one at a time, and I tell her that, but because it's her husband, I offer to register them both for her. Because, as its her husband, they have the same address, phone number, billing information etc so its no problem to just copy pasta a second registration form and still stay under my call duration limits. Note that I clearly inform her of these limitations and why I can surpass them on her behalf. Mainly, I am going out of my way for her because she is being nice, polite and generally a good customer all around.
And then.....this happens:
Me: "Good evening, <company>, how many I help you?"
SC: "Ya, I wanna register for the workshop."
All is seemingly well at first. I get all her info, payment info, etc and am finishing up the call....
Me: "Alright, you're signed up and on the guest list now. Thank you for calling, and you should receive a confirmation via email of your registration."
SC: "Wait, I wanna register my husband's buddy too"
Me: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I can only process one guest per call. Can you ask him to call himself to register? We'll need his billing information s-"
SC: "WHAT?! BUT YOU JUST LET MY MOM DO IT!!! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!!"
I will admit it took every ounce of my willpower to not blurt out "Were you adopted?".
Because it seems the apple has not only fallen far from the tree, but rolled down a hill across three lanes of traffic into a sewer drain, floated down a murky river of waste and offal before being washed out to sea where it was carried by the currents for a fortnight before washing up on the desolate shores of North Cuntasia.
annnnnd rest.....there's yet more but I am tired and weak. >.>
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
Comment